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View Poll Results: Do you feel threatened by the sophisticated OW.

Voters
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  • I felt threatened in the beginning of our relationship.

    2 15.38%
  • I feel threatened all the time

    0 0%
  • I didn't feel threatened in the beginning, but feel threatened now since marriage/living together.

    0 0%
  • I have never felt threatened by OW.

    11 84.62%
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Thread: Do You Feel Threatened By The More Sophisticated Ow

  1. #31
    tinydancer Guest
    Oh good lol!
    I have just been around these boards for soooo long (years longer than my profile states) and I have seen so much inner confusion regarding our looks or the very natural and beautiful aging process that I feel compelled to respond to some of these things!
    My love now is from Bulgaria, we are the same age and have had many of the same experiences but still he grew up in a communist country where as I did not.
    Point?....Differences can be wonderful as long as it doesn't cause one to question or fret about where they are right now!

  2. #32
    Kristin's Avatar
    Kristin is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by goodchild View Post
    This is it! We try so hard to avoid stereotypes so much, that we feel ashame of ourselves. We avoid saying I love the look of gray hair on an older man for fear that we may be termed as sick. We avoid saying that this hunk of guy (ym) lying next to me makes me giddy. It's ok to think it, just don't say it.

    I did not say that it is ok to love someone because of their age, but nothing is wrong with having a preference for a younger or older partner. Further there's nothing sick in admitting that the younger partner's body and fresh outlook on life makes you feel younger, or the experience and knowledge that the older partner brings to the relationship gives you a sense of security or you get turned on by the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes.
    Maybe it's not shame but being sensitive to others is the issue?

    A good rule of thumb about age comments here would be to try to apply if you would say similar things in a racially insensitive way.

    It's one thing to say that you love your man's smile wrinkles, but saying "older men are better looking because they have smile wrinkles" could be offensive to younger men or women with younger partners. So it's one thing to say "I love my man's Nordic looks" and another to say "black skin is ugly." It's insensitive and a generalization and no one would ever dare say that for fear of offending someone. But they will say disparaging things about certain ages. Not good, IMO.

    Thats why I try to avoid making generalizations or comparing one vs the other.

    Like I mentioned to an OM member recently - this is Ageless Love, not "Older Love" or "Younger Love". The point is to show that age should not be a factor. The point is that we love our SO because of WHO they are and not how old they are. Age simply, flat out does not make the person. One can say that younger makes a person feel younger or gives a fresh perspective - but I can say the same about many older people I know. Many OW and OM here have given me fresh perspectives - and they are older than I am! Again - it's not the age - it's the person.

    I, personally, am looking forward to seeing Jeremy get his smile wrinkles as he gets older. I think he will age very well. His lack of wrinkles has nothing to do with my attraction for him. I think that is a really misguided stereotype that many people have. Same along the lines that OM only want YW because they are going through some mid-life crisis and they don't care who the woman is - so long as she's under 30.

    I don't think most YW here would take kindly to someone saying that is the reason their OM is with them?

    So, if one feels the need to defend against other non-AGR YW (or OW) putting down OM by using silly stereotypes, then yes, by all means point out what you feel is positive about your OM for you.

    But I think that a site like this, it's best to remain unbiased and realize that we are here to defend AGRs - not bash one age or the other. And by the nature of expounding virtues of one age, it tends to automatically make negative implications for the opposite.

    So just better to be polite and keep it to yourself, IMO.

    And really, there isn't anything that I could say about my younger husband that a YW couldn't say about their older man. So making those points is really...pointless!

    I find myself defending YW/OM relationships IRL as a result of being a member of this site and the insight the YW/OM here have given me.

    And that's the way it should be!

  3. #33
    tinydancer Guest
    Beautiful post Kristin!

  4. #34
    goodchild Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Kristin View Post
    Maybe it's not shame but being sensitive to others is the issue?
    This is the very reason I responded to Tiny the way I did initially. One could interpret from her post that she was bashing the yw for saying that her OM likes her unjaded views on life. I want yw to feel comfortable posting and because we are the minority here, yw do not post readily for fear that they will step on the toes of OW. I was worried when I decided to make this thread, because I didn't want to offend OW, but I felt strongly about the topic so I decided to go ahead.

    I hope more yw post, because I am interested in hearing their responses.

  5. #35
    tinydancer Guest
    Um...no lol!
    I am old and pretty **** unjaded myself!
    I was responding more to the "tight skin" etc....

  6. #36
    tinydancer Guest
    I guess you could say that since I put the unjaded thing in quotations
    Just felt that her response there was a slam to being older.
    It in no way applies to most older people I know!
    I am more afraid that too many o/w, o/m are looking for a "do-over" that doesn't exist.
    That's all!

  7. #37
    Kristin's Avatar
    Kristin is offline Senior Member
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    I understand. And I want all of our members to feel comfortable posting here, as well!!

    But EVERYONE needs to be considerate of other people's feelings when posting and needs to think of how they are wording things before posting.

    When I first started posting here, I didn't understand how many generalizations I made and how they implied negative things to other members. It was actually a YW member - Merilove - who finally made me realize that I was still harping on age and that there was a better way of saying things so as not to offend others.

    You know, I went on the Oprah Show to answer that very old question lol!
    Does being with a y/m make you feel younger???
    Hell NO....it made me feel ancient, it was something to work through but definitely not a plus lol!
    I would be worried if anyone felt younger or older b/c of the age of their partner......I wouldn't want a man to be with me b/c I made him feel more mature or older, etc....
    I only want the man who loves me for exactly who I am and b/c we are on the same page......regardless of age
    Interesting that you would read that post as Tiny "bashing" the YW or that it even could be seen that way. The YW said her OM says she makes him feel younger and Tiny said from her OW vantage point that YM DIDN'T make her feel younger at all.

    It seemed like her perspective - not a criticism. She didn't say that the OM was wrong to feel that way - only that she wouldn't feel comfortable being put in that position?

  8. #38
    Kristin's Avatar
    Kristin is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by goodchild View Post
    I want yw to feel comfortable posting and because we are the minority here, yw do not post readily for fear that they will step on the toes of OW. I was worried when I decided to make this thread, because I didn't want to offend OW, but I felt strongly about the topic so I decided to go ahead.
    One question. Why does supporting YW/OM relationships have to even venture into the conversation about OW?

    I thnk what happened to get so many older women commenting in your thread was the preface of:
    Quote Originally Posted by goodchild View Post
    I've seen on several occasions where OW express concerns that indicate that they feel insecure and feel like they are competing with YW because they are dating YM. Not that their YM are giving them reasons to feel threatened, but the fear or need to compete seems to be a deep rooted problem on the part of the OW.
    It specifically addressed OW and OW's "deep rooted problems" so of course you are going to get comments from older women here.

    Perhaps it would have been better to just ask the question and not get into the "problems" OW seemed to have? That would have kept the older women out of the conversation. Actually, I'd have bet that most OW would have come to YW defense and said that they have a lot to offer and shouldn't be threatened. Instead they may have felt a bit looked down on?

    Usually here it's just how something is worded or prefaced that causes ruffled feathers.

    There's absolutely no reason why YW should feel worried about stepping on OW toes unless they take some sort of "us vs. them" stance. That seems to be the thing that gets most people riled up.

    I don't like it when they do it to YW or OM on the OW/YM side either and I say so!!

  9. #39
    goodchild Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Kristin View Post
    I understand. And I want all of our members to feel comfortable posting here, as well!!

    But EVERYONE needs to be considerate of other people's feelings when posting and needs to think of how they are wording things before posting.

    When I first started posting here, I didn't understand how many generalizations I made and how they implied negative things to other members. It was actually a YW member - Merilove - who finally made me realize that I was still harping on age and that there was a better way of saying things so as not to offend others.



    Interesting that you would read that post as Tiny "bashing" the YW or that it even could be seen that way. The YW said her OM says she makes him feel younger and Tiny said from her OW vantage point that YM DIDN'T make her feel younger at all.

    It seemed like her perspective - not a criticism. She didn't say that the OM was wrong to feel that way - only that she wouldn't feel comfortable being put in that position?
    She didn't say it but it was implied. "I wouldn't want a man to be with me because I made him feel more mature or older etc.." The bottom line is that when an issue affects us personally we see the nuances in the comments of others. It is very easy for OW to take issue with things that affect them but not so much when the shoe is on the other foot. I don't want to get into this right now, but the reason I made this thread is because very often OW make statements here that put down yw even as they express their own insecurities. The perception that "most yw try to debunk ow" etc. Over and over it is implied here and nobody says anything. Anyway, enough for the day. I'm going shopping.


    Can you kindly close this thread! I know better than to speak my mind here! I hope it's clear why the YW/OM section is so dead![
    Last edited by goodchild; 01-19-2008 at 01:41 PM.

  10. #40
    tinydancer Guest
    """She didn't say it but it was implied. "I wouldn't want a man to be with me because I made him feel more mature or older etc""""

    I said it straight up LOL!
    I do not want someone liking me, or not liking me, just b/c of my age lol!
    And um.....the shoe HAS been on the other foot
    I've been a y/w...enjoyed it immensely ...still, am glad it's over
    "Fresh prespectives" and "being jaded" is NOT always an age required thing.....trust me

  11. #41
    goodchild Guest
    I have asked for this thread to be closed yet it still remains open. Where are the mods when you need them. A mod was in this thread in a few minutes before I requested the thread close, yet my request goes unnoticed.


    I have no more energy to waste here. A blessed 2008 for you all on Ageless! Peace!

  12. #42
    tinydancer Guest
    Gosh....sorry, I thought some really good points about ag's were made.
    Sorry you see it that way!
    Didn't see hostility at any different degree than on any other thread where people have opinions.
    Blessings, TD

  13. #43
    RebeccaSue Guest
    Well, I'm in late, and I am skipping over a lot of the stuff b/c I think this thread went into a cul-de-sac of off topic (but i could be wrong!!)

    I am a YW, but I am not a young woman. I am not 20, 18 or 32. I am on the crest of 40. I am not a OW either...I am in the middle of the boat!

    I am a pretty darn good looking blond. I am 5'7", 130ish (average), I do not have perfect figure, I do not have a perfect anything, but I turn heads and get attention. I also live in a beach community. I have been turning heads since I was a late teen. I used to received looks of "dismissal" from OW b/c OM were busy checking me out. I wasn't interesting in OM at the time. I was shy and terrified and couldn't figure out why OW were so cold to me. I didn't want their guy, I wasn't their competition...and they never got to know who I was.

    The few women who DID share themselves with me saw my youth, my shyness, my outside and my inside and were kind. They were SECURE in themselves. It wasn't about men. It was about being women. They looked me directly in the eye and we began to share real conversations about living life well, with integrity, with conviction, with courage. I heard them talk and I watched their walk.

    When I started dating John, I felt certain insecurities pop up. Dinner parties, different educational degrees...comparisons...just the "stuff" that can grow if I let it. That's "My" stuff anyway; he can't and shouldn't fix that. (The day I expect a man to fix me emotionally is the day I need to check into CODA!)

    When I meet the women who are in John's world, I am so pleased to see really wonderful, kind, bright women. They have their game on, and you know what? So do I, so...we're at beautiful equal place. I used to not see it, but I do now. I don't come from fear because I loved the fear away! If it tries to creep up, I say silly things like, "I am not going to fall into hole again thank you very much!

    As I listen to, watch and talk with YW, I remember the graciousness, the humor, the kindness, the love I felt from OW women who were good to me. I received their candor too, but I felt the love WITH it. That is my goal in my r'ships with YW.

    When I see and feel that lack whether it is from a YW or OW, I know it's their stuff, they're coming from a place of fear and that it has nothing to do with me. I love to see the secure woman who is not afraid to be vulnerable...and loves those insecurities until they are simply...interesting footnotes. I love the insecure woman because I was her. Socrates said it, "Nothing human is alien to me."

    I know one thing for sure, I cannot love another (or tolerate or have compassion for) until I 100% truly love myself. Those unhappy woman..well, when they fall in love with themselves, their story will shift too.

    am I rambling! LOL! YUP!! Have a sweet night, I am off to a comedy club birthday for a friend!
    Last edited by RebeccaSue; 01-19-2008 at 07:35 PM. Reason: this and that

  14. #44
    Kristin's Avatar
    Kristin is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by goodchild View Post
    I have asked for this thread to be closed yet it still remains open. Where are the mods when you need them. A mod was in this thread in a few minutes before I requested the thread close, yet my request goes unnoticed.


    I have no more energy to waste here. A blessed 2008 for you all on Ageless! Peace!
    Sorry, I was spending the day with my family and this is the first post that I've seen for a request to close.

    I'm sorry you feel that way. I think maybe this would be a good opportunity for some frank discussion about how some of the comments that OW members make can affect the YW and OM members and vise versa.

    Maybe the OW/YM members will read this and keep it in mind to try to be more sensitive to YW member's feelings, as well.

    Let me know if you reconsider.
    Last edited by Kristin; 01-20-2008 at 03:24 AM.

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