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Thread: Is this rude or am I just old fashioned?

  1. #16
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    To be honest, she sounds like a flake. Texting can be maddening as it is, but the fact that she disappeared while you were in the middle of helping her...and then you believe she would get mad at you if you called, just sounds awful. Since you knew each other in person first, you must be familiar with her phone habits. Is she like this with everyone? Her social etiquette seems subpar.

  2. #17
    gorillagirl Guest
    Sometimes people are just mismatched. My true love and I will never be together again because, after years of trying, it finally dawned on me that my "love language" requires the man to actively seek out togetherness and his "love language" requires the woman allowing him to being alone as much as he needs without feeling neglected. We are fundamentally mismatched and can not be in relationship. At this time, or maybe at the core, you two are just mismatched and not well suited and it's never going to work out long term while you're in different cities and while she's absorbed in college. If I were you, I would slow contact, make her seek you out, STOP asking for a hang-out date and see if she plans one without your "nagging" and then you can more realistically gauge her devotion to the relationship. Basically, back off, let her come to you. She might feel you're smothering her and she's either too polite or too passive-aggressive to be direct and ask you for space.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 09-04-2013 at 02:03 PM.

  3. #18
    Faith's Avatar
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    At that young age, my boyfriend and I went away to separate colleges 400 miles apart. Despite our best efforts to stay strong as a couple (way more effort on his side, I have to admit), we grew apart. I hated being long distance, I just couldn't do it. I wanted a man WITH me, and I was very lonesome and started getting involved with other guys behind his back. I'm sorry to say I treated my bf very shabbily during this time, feeling alternately guilty and resentful about him. We broke up and got back together again over and over, each time doing a bit more damage to the relationship. By the time we were together geographically again (after 2 years of long distance), the love was gone. I had grown in a different direction away from him.

    Bottom line: I wasn't capable of sustaining a long distance relationship. Could that be the situation with your YW? If so, I can't really blame her, having been in the same situation myself. I hurt my bf with my bad behavior, but I was too young, immature, and inexperienced to handle it gracefully.
    Last edited by Faith; 09-04-2013 at 06:15 PM.
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  4. #19
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by degausser View Post
    To be honest, she sounds like a flake. Texting can be maddening as it is, but the fact that she disappeared while you were in the middle of helping her...and then you believe she would get mad at you if you called, just sounds awful. Since you knew each other in person first, you must be familiar with her phone habits. Is she like this with everyone? Her social etiquette seems subpar.
    I haven't got a clue actually, she didn't spend much time texting or on the phone at the time apart from when her parents called!
    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    Sometimes people are just mismatched. My true love and I will never be together again because, after years of trying, it finally dawned on me that my "love language" requires the man to actively seek out togetherness and his "love language" requires the woman allowing him to being alone as much as he needs without feeling neglected. We are fundamentally mismatched and can not be in relationship. At this time, or maybe at the core, you two are just mismatched and not well suited and it's never going to work out long term while you're in different cities and while she's absorbed in college. If I were you, I would slow contact, make her seek you out, STOP asking for a hang-out date and see if she plans one without your "nagging" and then you can more realistically gauge her devotion to the relationship. Basically, back off, let her come to you. She might feel you're smothering her and she's either too polite or too passive-aggressive to be direct and ask you for space.
    Maybe, I'm not sure really but I'll have a think on that, thanks.
    Quote Originally Posted by Faith View Post
    At that young age, my boyfriend and I went away to separate colleges 400 miles apart. Despite our best efforts to stay strong as a couple (way more effort on his side, I have to admit), we grew apart. I hated being long distance, I just couldn't do it. I wanted a man WITH me, and I was very lonesome and started getting involved with other guys behind his back. I'm sorry to say I treated my bf very shabbily during this time, feeling alternately guilty and resentful about him. We broke up and got back together again over and over, each time doing a bit more damage to the relationship. By the time we were together geographically again (after 2 years of long distance), the love was gone. I had grown in a different direction away from him.

    Bottom line: I wasn't capable of sustaining a long distance relationship. Could that be the situation with your YW? If so, I can't really blame her, having been in the same situation myself. I hurt my bf with my bad behavior, but I was too young, immature, and inexperienced to handle it gracefully.
    I'm not sure she sees the nature of a long distance relationship very clearly at all, she certainly tends to just go with the flow and take the path of least resistance. I don't have any questions about her 'misbehaving' with other men, I trust her in that regard. My problem is that I'm constantly having to tell that this or that is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship and could be interpreted as a sign that she's not considering me, basically she seems to lack the ability to realise that her actions have an affect on me, last night being an example.

    I have actually managed to defuse the situation and we talked about it earlier without any arguments which was good, I phoned her out of the blue in this instance and we managed to talk for a while. She did get a bit upset though when I pointed out that many people wouldn't put up with this kind of behaviour so frequently and they'd simply walk away, not sure if that was a bit heavy handed of me but I felt a bit bad for doing that when she got upset. I think she is wanting to have a relationship, it's just that she hasn't got a clue about working at these things and being pro active in ensuring the relationship lasts. It's the doubts and the resentment her behaviour causes me that I guess is more of an issue than maybe her belief in the relationship, problem is she doesn't seem to understand that her actions can speak louder than her words and even if she thinks she's committed to the relationship that's not always enough if she doesn't behave as if she is.

    Anyway she told me that she was getting stressed with trying to sort the internet out and it not working and she lost track of the time (something I can easily believe knowing her and her grasp on time!). She's also quite under confident with technology so does get a bit flummoxed. I'm happy to accept that as long as she confronts the fact her scatty behaviour has an impact on me, I'm not sure she's quite grasping that yet and seems to think that if bad intent wasn't there it's okay and that I'm being unfair in getting upset and am trying to make her feel 'bad'.

  5. #20
    Mebel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LastTango View Post
    I have actually managed to defuse the situation and we talked about it earlier without any arguments which was good, I phoned her out of the blue in this instance and we managed to talk for a while. She did get a bit upset though when I pointed out that many people wouldn't put up with this kind of behaviour so frequently and they'd simply walk away, not sure if that was a bit heavy handed of me but I felt a bit bad for doing that when she got upset.
    ...........>>>that I'm being unfair in getting upset and am trying to make her feel 'bad'.
    Hi Last Tango, Why this name?
    You asked me earlier, and yes , sure, to me you still seems too tolerant,,,pfff see it what you wrote yourself.

  6. #21
    mskitty Guest
    "I'm not sure she sees the nature of a long distance relationship very clearly at all, she certainly tends to just go with the flow and take the path of least resistance. I don't have any questions about her 'misbehaving' with other men, I trust her in that regard. My problem is that I'm constantly having to tell that this or that is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship and could be interpreted as a sign that she's not considering me, basically she seems to lack the ability to realise that her actions have an affect on me, last night being an example.

    I have actually managed to defuse the situation and we talked about it earlier without any arguments which was good, I phoned her out of the blue in this instance and we managed to talk for a while. She did get a bit upset though when I pointed out that many people wouldn't put up with this kind of behaviour so frequently and they'd simply walk away, not sure if that was a bit heavy handed of me but I felt a bit bad for doing that when she got upset. I think she is wanting to have a relationship, it's just that she hasn't got a clue about working at these things and being pro active in ensuring the relationship lasts. It's the doubts and the resentment her behaviour causes me that I guess is more of an issue than maybe her belief in the relationship, problem is she doesn't seem to understand that her actions can speak louder than her words and even if she thinks she's committed to the relationship that's not always enough if she doesn't behave as if she is.

    Anyway she told me that she was getting stressed with trying to sort the internet out and it not working and she lost track of the time (something I can easily believe knowing her and her grasp on time!). She's also quite under confident with technology so does get a bit flummoxed. I'm happy to accept that as long as she confronts the fact her scatty behaviour has an impact on me, I'm not sure she's quite grasping that yet and seems to think that if bad intent wasn't there it's okay and that I'm being unfair in getting upset and am trying to make her feel 'bad'.[/QUOTE][/I]"

    Gee lasttango...

    I am not clear ...on one hand I get that you are involved with this person but it seems like your seeing that she is not capable of grasping the relationship. You paint this picture of a very naive , unaware , incompetent, as DG said "flakey" kid... and just becos you are twitter-patted for the moment ..ask yourself this.. is there a base to build on ?.. especially for a long distance relationship..!!! and are you the one doing all the future plans..she may just not get it .. .. I would not take this one to the bank and start collecting interest on it... Personally just because I am the older one in our relationship I would not feel comfortable being the lead all the time and setting the foundation to my relationship.. it takes two.. and you seem to be the only one WORKING.. so to speak.
    You need to cowboy up.. and demand respect or you will never get it and she is not not not capable of taking the reins on this horse...by being non committal, vague, selfish and keeping you in the fog because she is not capable of handling the situation... I hate to say it but you may have already lost it and that is a Humpty Dumpty scenario .. broken...

    you have only been in this relationship for only a couple of months... and if this is the norm.. then HOUSTON you have a problem...take a break and re-evaluate your life with this person...
    degausser, Mebel and gorillagirl like this.

  7. #22
    mskitty Guest

    I am not clear on this statement...

    I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend who is 21 and I'm finding it extraordinarily hard I have to admit, luckily the situation will end in December but we've now gone 5 weeks without seeing each other and she won't currently commit to a date when we can meet because she's just starting a college course and is very busy.

    what do you mean?

  8. #23
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mebel View Post
    Hi Last Tango, Why this name?
    You asked me earlier, and yes , sure, to me you still seems too tolerant,,,pfff see it what you wrote yourself.
    Yup true!

    As for the name, I don't know it just came to me!
    Quote Originally Posted by mskitty View Post
    Gee lasttango...

    I am not clear ...on one hand I get that you are involved with this person but it seems like your seeing that she is not capable of grasping the relationship. You paint this picture of a very naive , unaware , incompetent, as DG said "flakey" kid... and just becos you are twitter-patted for the moment ..ask yourself this.. is there a base to build on ?.. especially for a long distance relationship..!!! and are you the one doing all the future plans..she may just not get it .. .. I would not take this one to the bank and start collecting interest on it... Personally just because I am the older one in our relationship I would not feel comfortable being the lead all the time and setting the foundation to my relationship.. it takes two.. and you seem to be the only one WORKING.. so to speak.
    You need to cowboy up.. and demand respect or you will never get it and she is not not not capable of taking the reins on this horse...by being non committal, vague, selfish and keeping you in the fog because she is not capable of handling the situation... I hate to say it but you may have already lost it and that is a Humpty Dumpty scenario .. broken...

    you have only been in this relationship for only a couple of months... and if this is the norm.. then HOUSTON you have a problem...take a break and re-evaluate your life with this person...[/FONT]
    Thanks for being so honest there. I'll take what you say onboard and see if things improve, obviously if they don't then you might well be right and I do need to 'cowboy up'.
    Quote Originally Posted by mskitty View Post
    what do you mean?
    I mean in December I'll be living close to where she is so the long distance will no longer be an issue. I'm moving there for work so not because of her if that was what you were wondering

  9. #24
    Faith's Avatar
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    LastTango, actions speak louder than words.

    In your case, you are continually admonishing her for her neglectful, disrespectful behavior... but that's all. You don't actually DO anything different, it's all just words. So she'll just keep wiping her feet on you. In essence, you are training her to treat you badly because you keep coming back for more.
    "Leave the gun...take the cannoli."

  10. #25
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Faith View Post
    LastTango, actions speak louder than words.

    In your case, you are continually admonishing her for her neglectful, disrespectful behavior... but that's all. You don't actually DO anything different, it's all just words. So she'll just keep wiping her feet on you. In essence, you are training her to treat you badly because you keep coming back for more.
    Yup I gathered this was where the comments were headed, which is fine, but short of simply turning round to her and saying "that's it, you're dumped goodbye" what do I do?

    It's a genuine question because just ending it seems quite extreme, so how do I 'train' her to behave properly?

    I presume if we're talking about anything short of ending it it's a matter of clear consequences if she behaves in this way so what do you suggest?

  11. #26
    Faith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LastTango View Post
    ...just ending it seems quite extreme, so how do I 'train' her to behave properly?

    I presume if we're talking about anything short of ending it it's a matter of clear consequences if she behaves in this way so what do you suggest?
    LT, I strongly believe that you can figure that out for yourself.
    Which doesn't preclude other forum members from piling on with advice.

    This is my last comment on the matter: I sincerely wish you good luck!
    mskitty likes this.
    "Leave the gun...take the cannoli."

  12. #27
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Faith View Post
    LT, I strongly believe that you can figure that out for yourself.
    Which doesn't preclude other forum members from piling on with advice.

    This is my last comment on the matter: I sincerely wish you good luck!
    Okay thanks, I appreciate all the advice you've given

  13. #28
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LastTango View Post
    Yup I gathered this was where the comments were headed, which is fine, but short of simply turning round to her and saying "that's it, you're dumped goodbye" what do I do?

    It's a genuine question because just ending it seems quite extreme, so how do I 'train' her to behave properly?

    I presume if we're talking about anything short of ending it it's a matter of clear consequences if she behaves in this way so what do you suggest?
    I don't think it's extreme, just in the sense that it's only a four-ish month relationship, half of which you have been physically apart. Four-ish months is not a long time. Not all relationships are long term material, and this is in fact the kind of thing that ends new relationships.

    So I don't consider that extreme - rather, it's obvious that you just don't want that to be the answer. Which is perfectly understandable. I also suspect that you're holding out till you relocate because you're hoping that once you're back in close proximity things will be as good as they were during your first two months together.

    So, the question has to go back to you - what do you think the solution is? Frankly I'm stumped. I'm not much for "training" people - I think communication is the key. Ideally, you communicate and express your feelings/opinion/whatever, and your partner is receptive to what you're saying and you work out a solution together. But if you're telling her that something upsets you or is important to you, and she either isn't hearing you, or just doesn't care...what do you do about that? If you don't want to break up with her, what is the solution?

  14. #29
    gorillagirl Guest
    "training" is for pets, circus animals, and severely cognitively disabled humans. it's not for college girls.

  15. #30
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by degausser View Post
    I don't think it's extreme, just in the sense that it's only a four-ish month relationship, half of which you have been physically apart. Four-ish months is not a long time. Not all relationships are long term material, and this is in fact the kind of thing that ends new relationships.

    So I don't consider that extreme - rather, it's obvious that you just don't want that to be the answer. Which is perfectly understandable. I also suspect that you're holding out till you relocate because you're hoping that once you're back in close proximity things will be as good as they were during your first two months together.
    Yes it is the kind of thing that ends new relationships, I've been through that in the past and have ended relationships where I have genuinely thought that I am being treated badly and the other person has not cared at all. I think in this case she has tried to accommodate my feelings but has returned to default too often so far, when problems have occurred and I have pointed out the issues using specific examples of how I think she could have handled it better she's often approached things as if my examples are rules and has rather missed the point in doing that. Does that make sense? I guess what I'm saying is that she has showed signs of trying to make things better but has not really thought it through adequately or perhaps grasped the spirit of what I'm saying and has followed the letter. In the process she has at times become very confused about how to handle things.

    For her age and looks she has surprisingly little relationship experience, and certainly none of a serious loving giving relationship, and this I think is doubtless having an affect on her handling of things.

    Additionally she has been working 12/13 hour shifts over the summer in order to get enough money together to help see her through her first year at college. All well and good but the practical result of that has been that she became extraordinarily tired, the last time I saw her (5 weeks ago) she was literally dropping on her feet, I was shocked at how tired she was. She has had a week and a half off between the job and college but she spent it at home with her parents who it would appear organised a hectic schedule for her, partly out of necessity because there were a lot of things to organise and she was unable to rest much. So at least some of this might be partly down to the fact she is still very tired, she described herself as "running on empty" only a couple of days ago and I can well believe it. So I guess what I'm saying is that there are extenuating circumstances I know to be true but that doesn't make the situation any the less difficult for me.

    You're right, I don't want that to be the solution. I've heard her reaction at the other end of the phone on one occasion when she thought I was ending it and she was genuinely distraught so in my heart of hearts I think she does care, the problem is the contradictory messages her behaviour at times sends to me.

    Again yes I am holding out until I move into closer proximity so I'm looking for a solution short of ending it right now but be clear I will end it if such behaviour continues beyond that point.
    So, the question has to go back to you - what do you think the solution is? Frankly I'm stumped. I'm not much for "training" people - I think communication is the key. Ideally, you communicate and express your feelings/opinion/whatever, and your partner is receptive to what you're saying and you work out a solution together. But if you're telling her that something upsets you or is important to you, and she either isn't hearing you, or just doesn't care...what do you do about that? If you don't want to break up with her, what is the solution?
    I think you're right communication is key and I'm hoping that as she becomes less tired and stressed she will become more receptive and able to understand what I am saying in these instances. I have seen some signs of this, for example today she agreed to a date for meeting and had a good chat on Facebook IM with me about things, getting away from the more or less total reliance on texting that I have experienced in the past.

    I think to some extent I've been too much of a negotiator with her and have tried to talk to her about solutions rather than just going ahead with them. That's been the difference yesterday and today. I've simply said to her in the first instance, "I'm phoning in 10 minutes" and in the second I said to her "I'm not discussing this in text so we need to go onto Facebook chat", which she did and spent more than an hour doing it. I know she had other plans at the time but still did it and didn't complain. So I think we may have reached a crisis point the other night that has forced both of us to start behaving in a different and more constructive fashion. My main concern is that it lasts, particularly when she gets more 'student distractions' in her life but I think I need to be more assertive in making it to continue.

    I guess all of this doesn't deal with the issue that was brought up a few posts above, namely that I am the one doing the work but given I have many years of experience in doing that, including discovering through painful failure how not to do it, and she has virtually none is that really any surprise?

    One other thing that does concern me about this though is that I am having to be reasonably assertive in order to make sure this is happening, by nature I tend to be fairly consensual and try to negotiate and as I say above maybe that's where I've gone wrong. I have noticed that her father seems to be extremely domineering and perhaps that's the model that she subconsciously wants me to emulate, having experienced a fairly domineering father myself and taken many years to recover from the experience and discover the 'real' me it's not a pattern of behaviour I'm very comfortable with so that is a slight concern.
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