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Thread: Is this rude or am I just old fashioned?

  1. #61
    LastTango is offline Member
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    MM, that's interesting, I never knew it was so bad. One thing I will say though is that my girlfriend refuses to use text speak, she hates it. In fact ironically texting her has curbed my own use of text speak and abbreviations! Strange but true!

    I can relate to the multitasking bit though!
    Last edited by LastTango; 09-08-2013 at 04:19 PM.
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  2. #62
    LastTango is offline Member
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    A little update, I've just been sent a load of photos of her new place so I can see what it's like. I sent her a couple of photos of my new place the other day and said "it's nice to see what it's like isn't it?" and she obviously took the hint but sent me more than I sent her! I've been very enthusiastic in return and thanked her for all the effort. Apparently she didn't respond to me asking her for the address straight away because I was 'threatening' to send her a present and she didn't want me 'wasting' my money on her, I think she needs to love and value herself a bit more at times!

    I'll be talking to her on the phone a bit later so we'll see how that goes, I was working until 7 so not possible earlier which would have been better for her
    Last edited by LastTango; 09-08-2013 at 04:32 PM.
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  3. #63
    Seb Tombs is offline Neophyte
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    Hey, Last Tango, I wish you well in your pursuit. I am in a similar situation and I find that they can see presents as a bit awkward -- I guess it depends on the person. I've had to understand the boundaries and talking to some friends in their early 20s (male and female), they seem to be involved in a lot more than "in our day" so her being busy and prioritizing you lower is not altogether unlikely. She may have felt a bit "threatened" -- I kind of get what she means. Looks like you are making progress and about the only thing I would moderate a little is the gift-giving. It's very sweet and considerate of you to buy her presents but sometimes this could have the opposite effect as she feels she is being pressured to give a response. You sound like a great dude so remember she has to earn some of your time, too. Keep at it, don't be discouraged by the times when she goes a little cold, and enjoy the times when things heat up!
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  4. #64
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Thanks for that Seb, I appreciate your kind words

    Yeah, I've given up on the gift giving to be honest, it's too much hassle especially when she's almost embarrassed to get them and to be brutally honest it's all one way anyway, not that I particularly expect anything in return but when things all go in one direction there's a danger of becoming resentful of that fact, particularly when at times you feel there's a lack of reciprocation on other areas. The strangest thing for me is that I find if I ration contact and leave big gaps between texts (as in an hour or two) she's far more likely to respond promptly to me, whenever I reply quickly there's usually a big gap. If I hold off getting affectionate she's far more likely to spontaneously get affectionate herself. It's almost like a strange dance where If I show I care too much she backs off but if I keep a distance she comes towards me. I don't like it though because when we were together I was always honest and up front about my emotions and I think she was too, now it's almost as if I have to play a game and force myself to ration the honesty in order to get her to respond, that's how it feels at times anyway.

    It's all certainly far more complicated and stressful than I can recall anything being in the past but maybe that's down to the long distance thing which I have no previous experience of I have to admit.

    Anyway she's booked flights to come and see me next weekend so I'll see how that goes, hopefully more hot than cold

  5. #65
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    Jewelzz is offline Member
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    Good luck on your meeting with your girl, Tango. I hope this woman brings you the happiness you seek but if she doesn't, I also hope you find the strength to set her free as you are obviously strongly smitten by her. She is behaving rudely about responding to text if she knows that you prefer a response. Also, if she is holding back on any form of committing to a meeting or sharing obvious personal information, you may need to ask her flat out and hope for a straight answer.
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  6. #66
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    Redhead is offline Senior Member
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    @gorillagirl
    I like the basic idea of your adivce on page 4 where you suggested that he should kind of visualize who does what and who does not do what so that he can see whether the efforts put into this relationship sort of balance. He might then find out whether he is wearing pink glasses or not. But I would strongly advice against him showing her the list, because she will not get the idea that he is visualizing something for himself. She would think that he is out of his mind (at least I would) and that he is a bean counter (which I am sure he is not ....considering how much he does for her.....but you should consider that she does not know what he is discussing with us - do you know what I am trying to say?).

    @LastTango
    How far are you away from each other geographically? How often have you met?
    The way you write about it, it will probably not be your first meeting.
    I think it is a good idea that you stopped the gift thing. Much as many women would prefer a nice guy who gives gifts, gifts can take away the air you need to breathe if they come to frequently or if they are to costly (for her perception||). You say you wish she would value herself more. You mean then she would accept all of your gifts? I do not think that one thing has to do anything with the other.
    I for example have made bad experience with gifts. Very few times in my life did I get a gift from a guy, and when the relationship broke apart, or the marriage for that matter, the gifts always became a subject of quarrels where the male would accuse me of accepting gift x and not letting him get away with behavior y. And I thought what does one thing have to do with the other?
    So I think if a guy today gave me a gift, I would think "what are you up to" - not that I assume every guy is the same but I NEVER EVER experienced that a gift is just a gift.

    Regarding communcation between you and your gf I think MM has summarized the problem very well. Your gf is showing exactly that communication behavior, and I see that very much in youngsters of that age in Germany, too. The tendency is to do everything in writing and often in a superficial way, and people become phone-phobics and cannot look into each others; eyes. You have to find out for yourself whether that can be sufficient for you.
    The question of when she texts and all is not the main problem. It is a classical sideshow.

    I do not want to sound like I am defending your gf because I do tend to agree with those that say that you might wear pink glasses, but one thing I have to say:
    If she is off work it does not mean she has to text more. I have to be avaiable for everybody at work and do not have time for myself, so sometimes I just switch off my phone or at least do not write. I already write all day at work. It drives me insane when I touch my mobile phone and 20 people on whatsapp ask me what I am doing. What the fword might I do at 10 a.m. on a working day?
    Not everybody has to be available all the time, but that is again a sideshow. Your main problem in my opinion is whether you can live with this indirect and "keep me at distance" on some day probably shallow communication.
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  7. #67
    CuriousKitten is offline Neophyte
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    IT literate young guys can be the same way.

    Quote Originally Posted by LastTango View Post
    Advice please

    I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend who is 21 and I'm finding it extraordinarily hard I have to admit, luckily the situation will end in December but we've now gone 5 weeks without seeing each other and she won't currently commit to a date when we can meet because she's just starting a college course and is very busy.

    However the thing that's really getting on my nerves is the way she texts me. I text people all the time, I'm highly IT literate, having worked in the industry and I understand that when I text casual acquaintances or even many friends they might not respond for hours even a day or two if at all but I expect it to be a little different with someone I love and who loves me. I find she will not at any time concentrate on a conversation unless she's in bed falling asleep then she has little choice so I'm often talking to her and there's a gap in the conversation of an hour or two, I never do this and will stop what I'm doing to text her back as soon as I can. Tonight for example she was on her own in her new flat and texting then suddenly there's nothing for an hour. I eventually got sick of waiting and texted her to say I was tired and going to bed, she immediately responded and said good night. This is quite a frequent occurrence and no matter how many times I tell her I don't like it and I'd rather she just told me that the conversation is ended and she's got other things to do rather than leave me waiting for a reply (particularly when I'm tired and it's last thing at night) she will not change this behavior. Personally I tend to think that shows a lack of respect for me but what do you guys think, am I just being old fashioned and grouchy or is there something in what I'm feeling and if there is how on earth do I tackle it if she just wont change?

    I should also mention that what seemed particularly rude about tonight was that I was trying to help her with an internet problem when she just stopped texting for the hour, no thanks, no reply nothing!

    Maybe I'm being over sensitive and old fashioned, what do you think?

    I'd be really grateful for any advice and comment on this even if it's telling me just to chill out and accept it so please do tell me what you think, the more the merrier!
    I've had the same experience with being ignored in three different communication channels: IM, PM on a forum for an interest we shared, and texting in addition to phone calls and emails. Mind you, these are only used when we are planning on getting together due to the LDR placing us half a continent apart. Unlike your young lady, my young man (who actively pursued me despite being warned off due to our age gap) didn't respond or would drop out mid-convo or text because he was playing games like DnD or Magic with friends or watching streams online. Needless to say, today is the day it all came to an end. I finally had enough of the disrespect and ignoring me; even he had to admit that he couldn't explain why he was so remiss in responding and was "always thinking of me." I gave him far too many chances to change his ways. Interesting thing is, he never missed a chance to see me naked on camera. :P I should be glad he didn't have the means to record that. Anyway, our relationship is over and I think I'll look at some of the men my own age who are approaching me. There is no excuse for bad manners. I mean, if she's busy and studying, be a good guy and respect that, but all she has to do is tell you that, send a snuggle, and maybe let you know that she'll send a text before passing out for a few hours sleep. Even I managed that.

    There is a need for balance, but, when one person is left hanging while the other continues socializing and getting on with the busy-ness of life, it can't help but make one feel that one isn't exactly anywhere near the top of the priority list.
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  8. #68
    LastTango is offline Member
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    I'm aware I really should update all you guys who have been kind enough to comment but I'm a bit stretched for time right now so I'll get back soon and also comment on some of the more recent posts from people.

    Just to say the weekend I mentioned before, just over 2 weeks ago, went well and we both found it good to reconnect as it were after a long (for us) period of not seeing each other. We're seeing each other again this coming weekend for 5 nights/4 and a half days and getting some time away so all pretty positive but of course being a long distance thing there's still hiccups and a few outstanding issues to deal with, at least for me but certainly much more positive than at the start of the thread.

    Anyway thanks for now guys and like Arnie I will be back

  9. #69
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    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LastTango View Post
    I'm aware I really should update all you guys who have been kind enough to comment but I'm a bit stretched for time right now so I'll get back soon and also comment on some of the more recent posts from people.

    Just to say the weekend I mentioned before, just over 2 weeks ago, went well and we both found it good to reconnect as it were after a long (for us) period of not seeing each other. We're seeing each other again this coming weekend for 5 nights/4 and a half days and getting some time away so all pretty positive but of course being a long distance thing there's still hiccups and a few outstanding issues to deal with, at least for me but certainly much more positive than at the start of the thread.

    Anyway thanks for now guys and like Arnie I will be back
    Glad to hear things are going well for you. If I remember correctly, soon you will no longer be long distance. That will probably be the answer to everything.

    Best wishes!
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  10. #70
    LastTango is offline Member
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    I thought it was really rather time I came on here and updated things, the last few months have been rather hectic with a big move for me and a lot of other things going on too so apologies, if anyone is still interested, for being so long about it!
    Quote Originally Posted by theREALTrish View Post
    Glad to hear things are going well for you. If I remember correctly, soon you will no longer be long distance. That will probably be the answer to everything.

    Best wishes!
    Thanks and yes I think you were right there!

    To be honest with hindsight I think when I started this thread I was at a very stressful point in my life and the enforced distance of the relationship was sending me a bit crazy, I was madly in love but also right then pretty needy with other stresses and strains going on, particularly concerning my ex-wife. I was behaving in a very demanding fashion at times towards my girlfriend and was consequently pushing her away. However that's not to say that at times she wasn't being somewhat inconsiderate, she admits she was but I guess both of us were playing that game to an extent (not deliberately I hasten to add).

    Anyway, a few months on and I've moved far closer geographically, we see each other regularly and message, text and phone regularly spending time together most weekends. I've also met her parents and actually everything is pretty cool apart from the normal relationship ups and downs but even those are short lived and usually put to bed pretty quickly so all is, perhaps surprisingly, pretty good

    Can I also apologise if I came over a little grudging and defensive towards some people who were offering advice earlier in the thread, it wasn't my intention but I can see why it came across a little like that at the time.

    Anyway, thanks to everyone who contributed to the thread, I do appreciate it
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  11. #71
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    It's excellent that things are going good.
    Thumbs up!
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  12. #72
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Hi all

    I'm back on here because I don't feel I can leave this thread as it stands, my high hopes back in February when I last posted have turned to dust and the 'relationship' has ended.

    I did my best to accommodate this person, I tried my best to love her but the kinds of issues I reported back at the start of the thread kept reappearing and although as some of you commented I was very forgiving (almost making excuses for her) there's a limit to how much self centered behaviour anyone can take. The 'relationship' was completely out of balance, with mostly take on one side and a great deal of give on the other and as I'm sure everyone knows a setup like that cannot last. I tried my best to change it but it was too much and the experience has left me profoundly shell shocked and upset, I also feel like a fool for sucking it up for so long and feel like I've been taken advantage of.

    So if anyone is reading this who is experiencing similar issues beware, there's probably no happy ending and mark the words of those who were cautioning me and suggesting I ended it, they were right and I should have but at the time was far too pig headed and caught up in things to think clearly.

    Having looked around and read a bit I am firmly of the belief that there was a commitmentphobic dynamic to this relationship, I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced this (I guess it's more common than I realised so probably others have) but it's my first experience of this and it's turned me on my head. For anyone interested or experiencing similar behaviour I'd thoroughly recommend "HE'S SCARED, SHE'S SCARED" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It very accurately describes what I've been through and the way it has made me feel and has made me realise I have a few demons to exorcise myself if I'm to recover from this.

    Best of luck and look after yourselves!

  13. #73
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    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    Sorry to hear about this, LastTango. I didn't follow the thread from the beginning, as it started when I wasn't a member, but I can see that you're sad and hurt and possibly angry too. I hope you will heal quickly, and meet someone who you will be happy with!
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  14. #74
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Thank you fiorinda that's very kind of you and right now any kind words are helpful.

    I am sad and very hurt and trying to deal with my anger at what happened in a constructive way, I'm not entirely sure how to do that so might well seek some therapy so I can talk out the issues. During the relationship I was keen to do that but like many other things the issue was avoided and put on the back burner and I was left waiting, I possibly should have done it solo at the time, my mistake, but I was relatively passive about the issue and when I finally became so frustrated I pushed for it she point blankedly refused. For me that was another sign that she was unwilling to work at things and put any effort in and by then I was thoroughly fed up with excuses and obfuscation. Unfortunately by that point there had been long months slow attrition and undermining and the whole thing was on very shaky foundations.

    On reflection I think I made the mistake at the start of committing wholeheartedly and opening my heart completely and trusting her too soon. This seemed to almost scare her and since she never completely opened up she just built walls. As I got increasingly desperate for clarity and signs she cared she started to view me as 'needy', say she needed space and time and withdrew more and more, I found that a very frustrating and undermining experience and at times it made me angry which didn't help matters. And so it went on!

    My worry now is If I ever make the 'mistake' of opening up too soon the same things might happen to me again and I'll be hurt again. I don't want to end up being closed off and unemotional in relationships but I think there's a danger of that as a result of this experience but at the moment my head is all mixed up and all over the place so it's difficult to tell. That's one of the reasons why I think some form of therapy might help me to sort out what happened, what exactly I did wrong and to what extent she behaved in ways that caused this. As with everything it can't all be one persons fault but unfortunately I'm upset and angry enough to find it hard to work out exactly where responsibility lies.

    Anyway, as I said above I think there was a certain dynamic to this that pressed her buttons (as well as mine) and her response at times strikes me as having being almost like a phobia (as in commitment) including constantly complaining of illness headaches and stomach problems (the doctors have confirmed there's nothing physically wrong with her) and leading me on a game of cat and mouse all the time, one minute being very loving (especially when I took a step back from her) and the next (as soon as I responded) being cool, reserved and distant. That kind of behaviour is incredibly undermining and has messed with my mind quite badly, it led me to try to anticipate what was going to happen all the time, to try not to be too loving and forward at times (despite my instincts) and try to be at other times depending on her moods. That's no way to behave in a relationship and it's indicative of a massive imbalance within the dynamic of the relationship and it made me very dissatisfied and unhappy. The problem for me now is because the initial period of the relationship was so good, so intense and so full of promise (another hallmark of a commitmentphobic dynamic) it feels like something major has been lost from my life, almost torn away, and I feel like something that could have been wonderful has been lost. Obviously on cool reflection it was not wonderful, it was probably dysfunctional, but it's difficult telling your heart that, very difficult!

  15. #75
    SummerBob is offline Super Moderator
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    I'm sorry to hear all you've been through. I must admit I haven't followed the thread from the beginning, but your last post sums it up pretty completely.

    I know these things are hard, we've all been there.
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