Thread: Tricky one!

I'm a little confused about whether or not you and Jon have actually confirmed, without a doubt, that you have the same feelings for each other. Do you really know what he wants? Before you can make a decision about how you want to go forward, you need to be sure of where you're going.

I can understand your financial conundrum. I'm 61. I don't know about the employment situation in the UK or Australia but, I can assure you that age discrimination is alive and well here in the states.

Yes it certainly would be tough to get a job at my age. Age discrimination is here too. Much to think about.
Skype I can do but I might look into phone calls as I have free calls to UK on my bundle. For now I am comfortable with emails.
How do I know his feelings? I know it from layers......of all that has said in emails. This relationship has been going on for five months. I can see it in his replies.
Would he come here? He would not be allowed to work here. He is past the age that people can immagration here. And even if he could at his age he would find it difficult to get work. Also he has been here years ago and didn't like it. I couldn't see him being happy here even if he could find a way to live here.
For now all it remains is pie in the sky and I am accepting that. Just getting through each day.

Originally Posted by Helena

Yes it certainly would be tough to get a job at my age. Age discrimination is here too. Much to think about.
Skype I can do but I might look into phone calls as I have free calls to UK on my bundle. For now I am comfortable with emails.
How do I know his feelings? I know it from layers......of all that has said in emails. This relationship has been going on for five months. I can see it in his replies.
Would he come here? He would not be allowed to work here. He is past the age that people can immagration here. And even if he could at his age he would find it difficult to get work. Also he has been here years ago and didn't like it. I couldn't see him being happy here even if he could find a way to live here.
For now all it remains is pie in the sky and I am accepting that. Just getting through each day.

All anyone can do is take one day at a time. I, also, understand the need to do that. I have to practice it in my own life. I really wish you well in a difficult situation.

how could he NOT LIKE australia? and what does it matter if his true love is there? that is some b.s. excuse.

Not BS excuse. When he met me he thought I was English. When I told him that I was from Oz he told me he had been there and hadn't taken to the country and screwed up his nose a little. So that was within the first five minutes of talking to him.
I have met a lot of people who don't like it here. It is not uncommon.

I wouldn't move to Australia, even to be with someone I loved!! I don't even have any desire to visit! Likewise the US, though I know people who love it and people who've gone to live there. We're all different.

To me, Helena, I see 2 different problems. And sadly I think it sounds like you can probably only solve one of them for now. If you have plenty of freedom, which it seems you do, I'd see a lawyer right away to find out where you stand legally. Start to put in place the things you'll need when you leave your husband. That's what I did. When I told him I was leaving, everything was in place - I had a flat and was 2 weeks from moving in, I'd borrowed money, I'd booked a removal van, I'd moved all the household bills I paid from my personal to our joint bank account. Ask your close friends to help you in whatever ways they can. Make your plan.

As for Jon, I'd say, have a proper, honest conversation. Don't read between the lines or the layers. Don't make any assumptions or project any motives or feelings onto him. Just ask him outright and believe his answers. Usually the best, fastest and most reliable way to find out just how someone feels. Assumption and projection can be very dangerous things!

Originally Posted by fiorinda

As for Jon, I'd say, have a proper, honest conversation. Don't read between the lines

Absolutely.

You have not said anything about his means and background.

If you and he seriously intend to be together, from a brief reading of each country's immigration rules it would probably be easier for you to come here then for him to move there. That is especially the case if he has some funds or property. If he is in the fortunate position to be able to commit himself to producing up to £18600 per year (AUS$ 34225, US$28127) in the event that your own income was below that, then a ‘family of a settled person’ visa to enter to marry him would probably be straightforward.

For an Australian national entering the UK to marry a British subject the ‘family of a settled person’ visa rules require that the applicant has access to at least £18600 p.a., which can include earnings, pension income, and funds from a spouse. An Australian national married to a British subject and permanently resident in the UK would be entitled to National Health Service medical treatment. They would also be eligible for some of the concessions available to citizens over various ages (e.g. would be except from paying bus fares once aged over 63, exempt from eye test fees if over 60, etc).

After three years UK residence as the wife of a British subject, an Australian can then apply for British citizenship (if citizenship was granted then the £18600 p.a. requirement would cease).

Clearly much would depend upon whether he would marry you if you were free to, and his means.

My apologies for assuming you were an American in my earlier reply. (I hasten to add I have nothing against Americans). Being Australian does have the advantage that being from another of Her Majesty's dominions makes the UK immigration regulations a little easier to meet.

SW

Originally Posted by Helena

Yes it certainly would be tough to get a job at my age.

The general job market is not good here at present, but in London there several skill shortages. While the biggest are in construction and engineering, there are some others. Being reliable, presentable and good at customer service is an asset in itself. There may well be niches for someone with a knowledge of fine arts. (You are not by any chance qualified as a nurse or midwife, are you? Those are much in demand in London).

SW

Have already had legal advice sometime back. All very dismal! But will keep plugging on.
Thanks for the advice Slow. Much of this I have looked into. Dang only missed out on EU passport by one generation!
No prob thinking I am American. Nobody is ever sure what I am in real person anyway.
Yes reading between the lines is dangerous. I figured though that all the emails he has sent was a good sign. As it goes all my line reading has been correct! In the last few days much has now been said.
Just taking things one step at a time.

As a man, I can't help but feel for your 82-year old husband. Does he know you've fallen out of love with him? How long has he known this? Was there anything he could have done to save your marriage the way it once must have been, or you would not have fallen in love with him in the first place (I'm assuming your marriage was not arranged or something of that sort).

If you left him, he would be alone with no one to care for him, no one to keep him company, etc., and he would likely die alone. What a sad state to be in. The only way I could describe it would be "hell on earth". To avoid that pain, he's doing what he can to keep you with him, rightly or wrongly. It's easy to see someone who's 82 as a spent human being... but we're all going to be there ourselves eventually. Sooner than we realize!

Summer Bob:

What you wrote is real. And some of us who fell out of love, and asked for a divorce, feel guilty, specially when the ex has not been able to find a good partner. Even if I had good reasons for falling out of love, and even if I tried numerous counsellors to make things work, but failed, I still felt guilty for being happy while he is not. I may open a thread about that one day.

Feeling guilty has actually keep me in the marriage for many years.
Does he know I have fallen out of love with him? He must on some level. We have never spoken about it and he has never asked me.
But it might be better to ask why did I fall out of love with him and how long has this been the case. I can say that this began to happen just after we were married. I wanted a real partnership with him. I wanted us to be close and do things together. He hated my music so I sold all my record. He wanted to move away from the city so I moved with him. But nothing made him happy. He didn't like walks, movies, the beach. He had a little boat and that is the only place he wanted to go. And he would go there weekend after weekend for years. I didn't say anything. Sometimes he would ask me to go but not often.
My whole married life has been spent alone in many ways. I had to go out alone, do things alone. Fend for myself alone. It was very hard to begin with as I thought I had married someone that I could do things with.
His PTSS....which he didn't tell me about in the beginning made him moody, irrational and bad tempered. I think that is the main thing that has killed my love. So I have lived in an emotional desert for a very long time. No sex, no intimacy. I sleep alone and have done for years.
He is not interested in anything I am interested in. In fact he hasn't been I interested in much except boats and war. And now he has no interest in anything. He has told me he gets no joy out of life. I tried for years to do things with him but I officially gave up some years back. It was summer and I like to go to the beach for a swim. I go alone as he hasn't any interest in it. But this one day I asked him would he like to come and he yelled at me.....in fact he was abusive and told me never to ask him to come to the beach again. So I have not asked him to come with me anywhere since. If he wants to go with me with he can ask. But he never does.
At the moment I have not made up my mind to leave. I have no money of my own. Job market is tight. I would have to work for at least three months to get together a despot for a unit to rent. Also they look at your work record here to approve you. I am in a tricky situation.
I actually didn't marry my husband to fall out of love with him. I had intended to always love him. But it hasn't work that way. I have done everything I could do. Staying in love with someone needs a bit of help. It is a two way street.
And now I can't help my feeling for Jon. I wish I could turn them off. Some days I wish I had never met him. It is a difficult thing.
I would like to have sex again. I would like to be loved again. These are my needs. And they have been denied to me for a long time. I have sacrificed a lot to look after my family.
I really don't know what to do for the best. I have been talking openingly with Jon about it all. He said if he were in my shoes he would stay. He also knows my financial problems. Yet he asked me in the same email would that he wants me and do I want him? We are both two lonely people who are at the end of our tether and somehow have found each other. I never meant for that to happen. In fact the day before I met him I was patting myself on the back that I still had a heart of stone!
Jon is not a man without morals. I have found out a great deal about him. In fact I just listened to an interview he gave just this evening. He is held in high regard and I would say that feeling the way he does would be causing him some pain. He prayers for me I prayer for him. Often I prayer he finds someone so to end this. But once again I am the sacrifice!

Just to share as I have nobody to share with. Yesterday I sent Jon a link to a news story. Tonight while listening to his interview from he weekend he mentioned the name of the person in the article though not linked to this quite obscure news story. We had never spoken of this person to each other before. Also I had been using a particular phrase to make a point lately which I didn't share with Jon. He used this phrase. As he was talking at one point I knew what he was going to say and I said it at the same time he did.
So often this happens. Odd synchronicities which we both have noted.
I don't know........just seems like a cruel joke by the universe that this has all happened.

How long have you been married?