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Thread: Do YM's share anything in common that draws them to OW?

  1. #16
    Chriscar Guest
    Hi, Everyone!
    Wow! This thread has been so helpful to me!! Friday, I'll be going out for the first time with a YM who's 21. I'm 52. I've never been in an AG relationship before and the last relationship I was in started 32 years ago and ended a little over a year ago, so I've been spending a good portion of the time lately wondering if I've lost my freaking mind. But so much of what's been said here is true -- it describes this young man to a T!!!
    He's extremely intelligent, has a highly sophisticated mind, is so emotionally mature, and could absolutely not care less what other people think of him, and boy!!!!!! That combination has had me fanning myself for weeks now!!! (Putting it that way really hit home for me, Sdoah!!!) And then, we share the same taste in literature, movies, humor, etc.
    I don't think I had 3 conversations with him before I told him that he seems like an old soul in a young body, which is something I see in people from time to time, but not very often.
    This thread has really helped clarify things for me.
    My wanting him and wanting to get to know him has nothing to do with his being a YM. It's all the rest. It just happens to be packaged in a 21 year old body -- that also makes me want to fan myself, now that I stop and think about it!

  2. #17
    Kristin's Avatar
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    My guy doesn't really fit the mold completely - he's not into online gaming, but he likes his PS2 whenever he has time. He is not very educated, but he got out into the world early and has "educated" himself and gained experience and respect in his profession.

    He had two children very early and dealt with their unstable mothers. At 17 he had a newborn and was already helping raise his girlfriend's 1 year old. At 24, he has custody of his 3 year old daughter.

    I think it is true that he doesn't like the games that many younger women play and their insecurities. Too many were looking for a meal ticket, too. I have no alterior motives to be with him other than his company. And he likes that I talk things out with him - no screaming or theatrics.

    He is hugely romantic and thrives on physical affection. This makes him a perfect partner for me. Where other people may feel "stifled" or that the other was too clingy, we both adore constant hugs, kissing and cuddling. I fall asleep wrapped in his arms every night - or "spooning" him.

    His father took his kids from their drug-addicted mother and married an older woman (11 years), who has been a strong mother figure for them. So I know he wasn't looking for a mother figure!

    He is kind of a loner now, but had plenty of friends in school.

    On the other hand, his family has told me that I have grounded him and he's finally becoming a "man." LOL! They also said his life was like the Jerry Springer Show due to the type of girls/women with whom he got involved. His step-mom says that he needed to have an older woman in his life and she's so glad he found me. She even said she'd "beat him over the head" if he ever lost me! LOL!

    All I know is, we have a lot of interests in common, but enough differences to keep each other interested. He definately was NOT a player (although I thought that was why he was interested in me) and HE was the one who pursued me.

    I agree with the other ladies, if he has a problem with the age difference, there is no way it will ever become something more. That is the one thing that I have noticed IS the common thread with the YM/OW relationships that work - the YM was the one to pursue the relationship and already knew he didn't care about the age gap or what other people thought - including his family.

  3. #18
    GoldieCat Guest
    Heheh. Well, I always point out that in our case, we BOTH wanted an OWYM relationship, because we each had enjoyed them before. Our pursuit really was mutual.

    Most people here are either in their very first OWYM situation, or this is their partner's first, or most commonly, it's a first time for both of them. I can't say whether having the man do the pursuing in those cases makes a difference or whether it's just that he knows for sure what he wants. Those things aren't necessarily the same.


  4. #19
    Faith47 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Sdoah1972
    I agree with Goldie, I think that YM's who are serious and not just out for the sexual aspect of a OW/YM relationship have highly sophisticated minds. Not to say that other YM's or OM's aren't intelligent, but I've noticed a high correspondance of YM's involved with an OW to be highly intelligent and free thinkers. They are often involved in hobbies or careers that were once considered 'geeky' like computer engineers, but are now all the rage. I've also noticed that many are very well read and well educated. *shrugs* This is just what I've noticed.

    I've also noticed that many YM's are involved in gaming, which could or could not be of importance, which is the case of Goldie's YM and my YM. For the most part they seem to be level headed and are not prone to following societal norms. They don't care if they're cool, popular or what anyone thinks of them. They've made decisions based on what they like and want and not what society tells them they should like or want.

    *sighs and fans self* And that just makes them sooo hot!
    You describe what I have been trying to express for a long time!!
    Right on target girl
    Faith

  5. #20
    kacadac Guest

    Time to face reality

    Marcy and Goldie,
    Thanks for telling me like it is so to speak. I needed someone objective to help me because I was too close to the situation to think clearly. That plus him telling me I'm cute and asking about us dating really had me confused. Now I see it as it is....he's a charmer and that's it. We can stay friends, particularly since we work together, but I agree Goldie.... I am going to run. I need some peace in my life and he's been a constant up and down.

    Kitty,
    Thanks for sharing your story. I am a fatalist and believe things happen for a reason. You both are so blessed to have found each other, and you show that it is obviously not about age....it's about love....period.

    I agree this has been a great thread with valuable and interesting advise so thanks to all of you.

    Karen

  6. #21
    Sdoah1972's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristin
    My guy doesn't really fit the mold completely - he's not into online gaming, but he likes his PS2 whenever he has time. He is not very educated, but he got out into the world early and has "educated" himself and gained experience and respect in his profession.

    He had two children very early and dealt with their unstable mothers. At 17 he had a newborn and was already helping raise his girlfriend's 1 year old. At 24, he has custody of his 3 year old daughter.
    When I said highly educated, maybe I should have rephrased it. This education does not have to be school learning per say. My YM is just getting ready to start college and has put it on hold due to a job that pays him very well, but now they want to pay for his college because they see his potential. He's highly educated because he reads incessantly and when I say incessantly, I mean he reads at least three books a week and that's a slow week! I believe self-educated or life-educated qualifies as well.

    Jeremy has obviously been exposed to situations good and bad that have educated him, so in my mind he still fits the mold.

    Faith, I'm glad I was finally able to put my thoughts into words and evidently your thoughts as well. When the question was asked and Goldie subtracted the guys just looking for sex I started to notice a common dominator among the YM's that have been attracted to me excluding the sex mongers. I've only dated one of these YMs, but I've spoken a lot with others and those qualities just seemed to stand out.

    If you likened this all to high school, which is an analogy that we're all familiar with I'd venture to say that most of the YM's interested in OW were not the typical athletic jock. I'd venture to say that most of these YMs were the valedictorian, the president of the science club, the class president, the debate team captain, a drama student, artist or the quiet guy that never said much. They started doing what they liked rather than what was popular long before they met us.

    I can't rule out athletes all together since my YM did play sports, but he was also highly involved in drama and debate.

    You know what bothers me about all of this though? In high school I was the typical popular kid......cheerleader.....homecoming court, but I also participated in drama and forensics on state levels. Still, I chose the 'popular' athlete rather than these wonderfullly diverse and amazing other guys. I now look back and realize how stupid I was. My friends in the less popular clubs were so much more interesting than the ones on the football team.

    I even said to my mom the other day that I should have dated the guy that tutored me in Algebra. He was a great guy and a fantastic friend and handsome! *smacks forehead* What was I thinking???

  7. #22
    SOLOSUSAN Guest

    Y/M and Intelligence

    I have to agree that the younger men I have spoken to, and the one I am dating...what has drawn me to them is their intelligence....they seem so put together....I swear, my y/m is more mature than pretty well every guy I've dated in the last 10 years. He's self confident, works hard, focussed on his career and I truly enjoy his company...It seems to me that once men hit let's say there mid to late 30's...something happens....like they are afraid to be hurt....give me a break, if you want to be in a relationship, then that is the risk you take....

    I'm still trying to put my head around the hormonal part...as he is very much that way...but then so am I..........

    I just know, for me it is refreshing to have someone in my life who is so together...and yep, there are times when I say to him...you're such a kid...and he says yep...and we both laugh (he's in his early 20's)

  8. #23
    Buffeaut Guest
    [QUOTE=GoldieCat]The only thing I can say I've seen that tends to be common to SOLID YM (not the immature ones, who want to sample us like some kind of exotic dessert and only want sex) is that they are often very smart and have sophisticated minds, so they seek sophisticated partners. They are often too emotionally mature to want to put up with the manipulative games that are common among younger prospects.


    Lots of YM should be admired for being able to handle someone with this much experience, instead of assumed to be submissive and childlike.


    You hit the nail on the head, GoldieCat. I was married to a woman my own age (I am 33). She died suddenly and unexpectedly in a car accident. I am now dating a wonderful, sweet 53 year old female who was good friend of my wife. I would not date anyone else, and hope to marry this woman eventually.

    While my girlfriend doesn't look her age, what makes her so unique is her emotional depth. Her emotional intelligence is exceptional, and She has a heart pf pure gold. I know single females my age who are friends, but do not have any interest in dating any of them. They just don't have the caring and sweetness of my girlfriend, a woman who suffered through being married to an alcoholic and had toget a divorce. I think a need for emotional maturity, intelligence, emotional substance and sensible thinking are the motivating factors causing younger men to fall in love with older women.

  9. #24
    Rob Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Buffeaut
    While my girlfriend doesn't look her age, what makes her so unique is her emotional depth. Her emotional intelligence is exceptional, and She has a heart pf pure gold. I know single females my age who are friends, but do not have any interest in dating any of them. They just don't have the caring and sweetness of my girlfriend, a woman who suffered through being married to an alcoholic and had toget a divorce. I think a need for emotional maturity, intelligence, emotional substance and sensible thinking are the motivating factors causing younger men to fall in love with older women.
    Bingo, I think exactly the same.

  10. #25
    special K's Avatar
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    "I think a need for emotional maturity, intelligence, emotional substance and sensible thinking are the motivating factors causing younger men to fall in love with older women."

    Yep...I agree also!! This is the ever-recurring theme that the ym I have loved, dated or befriended have consistently said was their attraction to OW in general.

    That's good for our team since no where in the list is : wrinkle free skin, six pack abs, perfect bodies, etc....
    "What the caterpillar sees as the end of the world, the butterfly calls wings."

  11. #26
    Jody<3's Avatar
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    First off, I would say my guy is most like Kristin's (minus the kids). He isn't into online stuff at all (in fact he thinks my involvement in this website is JUST NUTS about 3/4 of the time). He doesn't do the online gaming, etc. He does play video games once in a while, but then so do I now! They are so much better than when I was a kid!

    He didn't have a lot of education (and still doesn't), but he didn't have low self-esteem or any problems in that area. He's good looking, he knew he was good-looking and had been involved with other women before me.

    He did, however, lack in the family/home life department a bit. Never really had a father (left when he was 4 or so), and Mom was absent a lot due to being a single mother and having to work long hours to raise three kids.
    I think in SOME ways this helped him to mature faster. I think that while he did find girls his own age attractive, he was kind of beyond them emotionally.

    Do any of the rest of you have y/m who had bad or lacking family lives growing up?

    Mostly in my case though, I think it was he just happened to fall in love with me, and I just happened to be in my 30s, and vice versa. I didn't have a preference for younger men, and had never dated anyone significantly younger than me. He had never dated anyone older than him. If this ended, I don't think I would specifically be interested in younger men......although I have to admit this certainly has been an eye opener.
    What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
    ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

  12. #27
    kathyw Guest

    Smile

    Quote Originally Posted by Jo-Admin
    First off, I would say my guy is most like Kristin's (minus the kids). He isn't into online stuff at all (in fact he thinks my involvement in this website is JUST NUTS about 3/4 of the time). He doesn't do the online gaming, etc. He does play video games once in a while, but then so do I now! They are so much better than when I was a kid!

    He didn't have a lot of education (and still doesn't), but he didn't have low self-esteem or any problems in that area. He's good looking, he knew he was good-looking and had been involved with other women before me.

    He did, however, lack in the family/home life department a bit. Never really had a father (left when he was 4 or so), and Mom was absent a lot due to being a single mother and having to work long hours to raise three kids.
    I think in SOME ways this helped him to mature faster. I think that while he did find girls his own age attractive, he was kind of beyond them emotionally.

    Do any of the rest of you have y/m who had bad or lacking family lives growing up?

    yes Jo...Treb lacked the family/home life/environment as well. His dad past away when he was 12 and he was raised by his Mom..she worked long hours to raise him as well (so very simular) which I believe helped him to mature faster also...he did (still does at times) find girls his own age attractive, and can still has friends his age that are girls, howver, he is well beyond them emotionally also.

    Mostly in my case though, I think it was he just happened to fall in love with me, and I just happened to be in my 30s, and vice versa. I didn't have a preference for younger men, and had never dated anyone significantly younger than me. He had never dated anyone older than him. If this ended, I don't think I would specifically be interested in younger men......although I have to admit this certainly has been an eye opener.
    In my case as well...we just happened to fall in love...the largest age gap I had prior to this was six years younger. I did not have a preference for younger men either..although he did and always has had a preference for older women. If we ended I don't think I would have a preference for younger men either..again, it would depend on the person for me...just as it always has...and you're right...man HAS THIS EVER been an eye opener!

  13. #28
    suicideblonde Guest
    I have nothing to add, except I enjoyed reading such an uplifting thread! Thanks to all who contributed.

  14. #29
    Sogna Guest

    Thanks Kittylane

    Thanks for this…*it is encouraging because I am currently praying and believing I will marry my YM this new year 2006. He is 30 years younger BTW. I know God brought him into my life. I know he is "the one" and that is the bottom line. I had my long lists about my ideal man, before I met him and he fits them to a T. However, i never thought he would be this much younger.

    Kittylane wrote:
    i am so glad that God has given me this gift and everyday wake up grateful.

    no one ever knows who will be together and who will not.... my advice is to pray ask God to send you the right man but just dont be surprized if he comes in a package that you would never expect.

  15. #30
    Sari Guest
    My fiance's father was very supportive of our relationship in the beginning. In fact, he's the one that told my YM he would be better off with an OW. And I believe it does have to do with the fact that he is wise beyond his years and very mature for his age. Although he does have his moments when he acts immature but then so do I at age 34! He told me that he wanted the OW relationship because he was tired of the games that women his age play. He'd been hurt in past relationships just as I had.

    Of course it's more than just age, you also need to have similar interests, compatable personalities and the right chemestry. Everything seems to be working for us. I'd have to say, that even with the LD element added, I'm far happier in the YM/OW relationship than I was during my YW/OM marriage. But then my ex husband was a verbally abusive alcoholic. I can't tell you how sweet and supportive my YM has been to me in helping me heal emotional scars over that.

    I think it's normal for everyone to have some fears in a relationship because you really can't get into another person's head and find out what's driving them. So you just have to go by what happens on a day to day basis. If you find yourself anxious and worried and crying all the time over the relationship, if in general, it's making you miserable, then it's probably not working out. But if things are going great, why mess with something that's working? Your YM won't leave because he knows it's foolish to leave something good for the unknown.

    At least, that's my two cents worth. And sorry if I rambled on a bit, I tend to do that.

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