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Thread: Can a OW be the pursuer in a OW/YM Relationship?

  1. #16
    kacadac Guest
    I agree with you Goldie that it shouldn't matter as long as there is a connection there. However my curiousity was if any of the members who have been or are in OW/YM relationships had the woman being the one who started things. I think it is different in these relationships because of the uncertainty of how the YM feels about dating an older woman. I wasn't thinking in terms of approaching a complete stranger...someone you knew, but not their relationship preferences. I guess I was thinking that a guy asking out an older woman doesn't have as much fear as the reverse, but I guess fear of rejection is the same no matter what.

  2. #17
    GoldieCat Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by kacadac
    I guess I was thinking that a guy asking out an older woman doesn't have as much fear as the reverse, but I guess fear of rejection is the same no matter what.
    Heheh. Oh yeah, the guys will tell you that. And there are plenty of posts here from guys who wonder how to approach us. So yeah, it is the same no matter what.

    But ya know...from me, you'll hear often the point of view that people are far too tied up in gender stereotypes to see the real people right in front of them. I just don't see much of a use for those stereotypes, a lot of the time they will be dead wrong.


  3. #18
    Science Goddess's Avatar
    Science Goddess is offline Bodhisattva O' Love
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Quote Originally Posted by kacadac
    Can a OW be the pursuer in a OW/YM Relationship?

    "It's either on the table being a part of your life, or under the table running your life." ~ AMK

    You're an extraordinary woman. How do you expect to lead an ordinary life? ~ Louisa May Alcott

  4. #19
    Agent bells Guest

    Angry New here

    hi all, I am new to this board so thought I would post here as opposed to starting a new thread.
    I have a situation re pursuing that fits.
    8 weeks ago I meet a man at a restuarant as i was just about to leave.
    he walked up to me, asked he he could take me on a date , asked if I was in an relationship etc gave me his number and asked for mine.
    Which I did. Spent 10 mins chatting where I asked his age -31 and told him mine - 45
    he has been calling me most days for the next 6 weeks but gutlessly I didn't reply.
    he finally texted me asking why I never pick up my phone.
    I replyed and a texting thing began.

    Finally agreed to meet him...unbelievable..
    Well he stayed the night, adonis body, cute, funny and we seemed to click.
    Wanted to cook me dinner later in the week, update my CD collection, you name it.
    Left eventually , all the Mo off someone really interested. said he'd call etc.
    Its been a week and only 1 call with no mention off getting together.
    That old body thing raised its ugly head.
    What to do?

  5. #20
    Agent bells Guest

    I meant to add

    Do I pursue???

  6. #21
    kat7's Avatar
    kat7 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    I would say:

    a) the pursuit was more important to him than the catch


    b) he got too much too soon, and maybe it freaked him out...

    who knows? but if he isn't responsive soon, I'd move on.

  7. #22
    Desert Spring is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    I pursued. If I hadn't, our six year relationship would never have happened. He was 19 1/2 and too darn intimidated to make a move on a 35 year old woman. That's the fact.

    What I think people are trying to say is that age gap relationships really *aren't* for everyone. Some guys can't cope. And one of the easy ways to find out whether or not you're dealing with one who can is to let them be the ones who do the pursuing.

    If you do the pursuing, you can end up hankering after somebody who really isn't able or willing to pursue the relationship in a serious manner and that can hurt.

    You have to be willing to take the rejection, if it comes, and to have faith that you've
    assessed this person correctly.

    But given those variables, if the attraction is there and you're not dealing with a jerk, than I don't think it makes a bit of difference who calls first.

  8. #23
    kacadac Guest
    Bells-Sorry you've been left in that position of wondering. No harm in contacting him with an invite to do something so you can get a better sense of what's going on. Also, read what Paris and Goldie have said in this thread cause it may relate to your situation. Unfortunately, he may be one of those YM that Paris was referring to. I agree with them that taking things slowly and really getting to know the person first is important before you decide if you want to get involved more seriously, regardless of age. Good luck.


  9. #24
    Agent bells Guest

    Thumbs down Got my answer

    Thanks for your replies...I think when I was writing it down I got my own answer really.
    But I don't know..
    I am at work at the moment here in sunny Australia, but would like to come back later to discuss this situation.



  10. #25
    ravenglow Guest
    Bells, I say invite the guy over for dinner, with specific time/day as if nothing is wrong. If he balks or declines then there ya go--drop HIM like a hot potato.
    Dont waste too much time analyzing anything you did or didnt do to death; he's just not the right guy in that case.
    Good luck to ya!

  11. #26
    1love Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by ravenglow
    Bells, I say invite the guy over for dinner, with specific time/day as if nothing is wrong. If he balks or declines then there ya go--drop HIM like a hot potato.
    Dont waste too much time analyzing anything you did or didnt do to death; he's just not the right guy in that case.
    Good luck to ya!
    Great advice, Suz! I agree, bells, give him a specific invitiation... this way, you won't be analyzing, hashing and rehashing everything.... just do it! If he doesn't accept, move on.... who needs him? Sometimes you have to walk through the weeds to get to the beautiful flowers....

  12. #27
    irparis Guest
    But...see...the pursuit isn't the issue, if the YM is the kind of jerk you mention. I was saying that this type of YM shouldn't be in our picture at all, so no pursuit.
    Aah, I don't know when was the last time you dated, but this kind of ym is always, always the first to appear. It may take a date or it may take 2/3/5 dates, a good radar doesn't necessarily help you at times with a good player. And the better he gets at his game, the better he can con. I'm pretty much fed up with it, its gotten old now. I've become more cautious of who I date, which is really sad, because it puts me on radar alert for the guys who are really serious about this.

    If there is a YM who is the "right" kind and who won't be a jerk, then why not pursue? I mean, who cares who makes the first move? Someone said it earlier, if two people have a good possibility of relating well, then what's the difference?
    I should say, I don't mind pursuing only after he's earn his time with me. I have no problems inviting guys over for dinner, movie, family social events. I want to see him with his guard down, being himself, not trying to impress me, the ow. An ow (when she's secure in her relationship) will love her man as long as she's treated well, is well loved, is emotionally happy. A ym always has three up on the women, he can at some point change his mind either because of age issues, body issues or the need of children and this is even after he's married her.

    at least if he pursues, he's conscious of what he's pursuing and why. Rather than stroking his ego that a Hoochie Mama is coming on to him and his buddies are egging him on to shag her because she's asking for it. I'm not arrogant enough to believe that just because I'm an ow that some guy will not get over on me, that would be acting dumber than a box of rocks.

    Every relationship attempted is a RISK TAKEN.
    This is true, but I find agr are more so because you really don't have a clue of the intentions of the ym or the ow for that matter. I mean pursue is an verb meaning: to find or employ measures to obtain or accomplish, to proceed along (as a course of action), to engage in; which tells me that its an action word, some kind of mental, emotional, spiritual, physical work has to be involve to obtain a goal. But the ow knows what she want most certainly, the better risk for her is to be friends for a bit and measure out what would best be advantageous to her about any person, thereby hopefully miminizing the risk. Being pursued is advantageous to the ym and to me. As I said, he is consciously aware of why he pursuring (finding measures whereby he will accomplish his goal) , who he's pursuing (the course of action) and what he has to do to seriously get there and accomplish his goal (what means he will use to engage in accomplishing his goal).

    It is an even better risk worth taking if the ow insecurity issues would be done away with, and we believe that he's taken every measure possible to choose you and it was very well thought out, very well planned, he set his ponies in place. And not some Hollywood trend.


  13. #28
    star Guest
    I dunno. Bells, I hate to be the pessimist here, but it sounds to me like the guy's a player. You were quite the challenge, not replying for 6 weeks, and some of these guys THRIVE on the challenge. The harder you are to "get", the harder they pursue. The problem is, once you let your guard down and let them in, the challenge is gone and so is their interest. I got "played" once and the details sound all too familiar.......

    I hope for your sake I'm wrong, cuz I know it hurts like hell.

  14. #29
    star Guest
    P.S. The best "players" are the ones who don't seem like players at all. That's how they fool us.

  15. #30
    Agent bells Guest


    Again thanks for comments,
    I suppose the reason for coming here was to get some advice from people in a similar situation, and it has clarified things for me.
    I will not be asking him for dinner or any other events..
    and because the mind is strong but the body is weak, I have deleted all contact details from mobile...opps cell.. so there no temptation.
    I am normally a fairly good judge of character and my radar is strong.
    So it suprises me that in this i was inept!
    This is not my first time with a YM although this is the only time I have felt like an OW..if that makes sense.


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