Thread: Can a OW be the pursuer in a OW/YM Relationship?

Ya know Bells, this is the one theme that seems to be recurring as I read the OW/YM posts and it kind of irks me. And I don't get irked very often. Probably because it happened the same way with my ex YM. One of the biggest attractions that the YM seem to have for us OW is that we don't play games with them like the YW do. Well, why can't they give us the same consideration? It seems like alot of the YM are playing games with the OW here. Either that, or the communication skills are really lacking.

With my ex YM, everything was going great until he freaked out about a situation that happened with a family member of mine that embarassed him. We went from spending a couple of days a week together and IMing for hours on the days we couldn't spend together to IMing everday after the freak out but not seeing each other. He would never talk about what happened and never mentioned seeing me again. When I mentioned seeing him, he said he wanted to, but made an excuse why he couldn't. Then the IMs went to every other day. Then every 3 days, then once a week until finally nothing. One day I picked up the phone and called him and said I just wanted to talk about what happened. He swore up and down that he didn't freak out, everything was fine and he actually still wanted to see me, but had just been really "busy"! PUHLEEZE, do ya think I'm stupid?!!

I mean, come on, how hard would it be to just say "I'm sorry, but this has made me so uncomfortable I just don't want to see you anymore"? What happened to the good old fashioned break up? Is "weaning off" or "blowing off" the new way to break up? It seems to me to be a cowardly way of breaking up!

I know that in the case of the "players" they are not going to change. I doubt seriously a guy is gonna come up to you and say "Ya know, I'm really attracted to you and have always had a fantasy of doin' an older woman, so I'd really like to just have sex with you", but these YM that are actually developing relationships with their OW, whether it be dating, online, or a combination of both could spare alot of pain and frustration with just a little honesty.

WOW, Bells, I think this is the longest post I've ever made! Most of my posts are short and light hearted and have lots of LOLs and smileys in them. I think this one touched a little nerve.....

I made the first move. I had to—it was excruciating because we knew we were both attracted to each other but neither of us would make the first move. I invited him for a drink and I actually kissed him first! I couldn't believe my own nerve. But I had to do it. Then after that he asked me out, and although I had to do some of the encouraging at the beginning because we didn't really know where we stood—I kind of treated him as a friend, and my marriage was ending but we had to be halfway in the closet—now he's the pursuer. I'd call it regular dating now. He's taken the reins as far as planning the dates, calling in good advance, paying usually, etc.

Sometimes my own gumption still shocks me though. I wonder if I have a name as an OW who kind of hotly pursued the YM. I probably do. Even though he reciprocated, I really don't want to know what flew around about me at first. (Because we worked at a health club where rumors love to fly.) But I guess I'm glad I made the first move because else we'd still be in that awful limbo and I know I'd still have a terrible fixation on him. Amazingly strong chemistry with nowhere to go. Luckily I knew where to take it.

Well an update on the player!
He called monday night and I gave him some of your considerate wisdom. That threw him!
Called again Wednesday and now twice again today.
So whats going on...is the chase on again?
Picked up phone second time today..he wants a date?
so now I'm confused.
and I suppose asking the question..what could he possibly want with little old me ....,okay..okay not so little.
He had his chance to move on after my outburst monday, but he's still hanging around. Even asking my opinion on somethinh he's working on...
Ahhh I don't know..the body is still week!
I know being in different time zone there's no one much around, but if there is would love some advice
bells

Originally Posted by kacadac

It's interesting and heartwarming to read how many of you who are currently in OW/YM relationships met. But it seems in most of them the guy was the pursuer or took it to the next level from friendship. I can see where it would be less common for the OW to pursue because of insecurity issues (the old body thing again). I'm wondering though if these relationships can start when the woman makes the first move? How do you know that a YM is interested in such a relationship because unfortunately it still defies the odds?

Karen

Well insecurity has nothing to do with it for me Kacadac..I'm fine with my body...keep in mind now...this is MY opinion only...I've waited to post..cos I didn't want to cause a "big stir"....my opinion is that absolutely the young man HAS to be the pursuer..it would be the same case with me even with an older man...of course you have to be a "willing" participant in the pursuit...for it to work, the guy needs to pursue the woman...call it whatever you want...that's how I feel about it...

Bells-

I agree with Kathy. This guy is a pursuer. The guy that "played" me has "surges" of interest where he starts calling me-always right when he hears someone else is interested in asking me out (Savannah is a small town)

I think this guy will always be the most interested when he feels you slipping away than when you are available. Be careful.

Originally Posted by star

Bells-

I agree with Kathy. This guy is a pursuer. The guy that "played" me has "surges" of interest where he starts calling me-always right when he hears someone else is interested in asking me out (Savannah is a small town)

I think this guy will always be the most interested when he feels you slipping away than when you are available. Be careful.

Guys who do this kind of stuff Star, are childish and immature. He doesn't want a relationship with you but he doesn't want you to be with anyone else either..yeah, I know the type...I've often found these types of guys also have MAJOR committment phobia...they can not commit to only one woman....don't even bother thinking they will change...it rarely ever happens.

I think it really sucks when a guy (or a woman for that matter) "strings" someone along...just in "case" they might need a back up plan...major mind f---- in my opinion. A player is a player...no matter how they go about doing it...how smooth...or not so smooth they are...don't even expect that they'll ever change...and age has NOTHING at all to do with it either.

Well, that's how I sized up the YM I had a crush on. When he thought I was dating someone he'd all of a sudden get really interested and want to spend more time with me. One of the brilliant women here in this forum said she thought he had commitment issues (she termed it approach avoidance) and she was absolutely right. He is a charmer and as hard as it was and how much it hurt, I had to forget about him because he plain wasn't good for me. I realized I needed a man of substance, somebody that was willing to make a commitment and didn't have any emotional baggage. This has nothing to do with him being younger, he had issues...I had to recognize them and move on.

K

Originally Posted by kathyw

Guys who do this kind of stuff Star, are childish and immature. He doesn't want a relationship with you but he doesn't want you to be with anyone else either..yeah, I know the type

Like dogs with bones buried in the back yard-don't even remember they're there until they see another dog sniffin' 'round the spot!

Quote:
Like dogs with bones buried in the back yard-don't even remember they're there until they see another dog sniffin' 'round the spot!

Star-that has to be the best I've heard in a while. Thanks for the laugh!

Karen

Originally Posted by kacadac

Quote:
Like dogs with bones buried in the back yard-don't even remember they're there until they see another dog sniffin' 'round the spot!

Star-that has to be the best I've heard in a while. Thanks for the laugh!

Karen

LMAO@Star...Star this should be used as your new signature line...

Originally Posted by kathyw

LMAO@Star...Star this should be used as your new signature line...

HMMM Kathy I might just do that!

Ya know what! There are those kind of guys everywhere. I mean, it had nothing to do with age and more to do with what he wanted, and got. I'm so sorry that you were the one who was fooled or the victim in this case. On the other hand, we all get fooled at times and it's ok. It's a lesson and one you probably won't repeat, I hope. But don't think that age is the cause. Age was only a minor player in this game.