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Thread: AGRS with VYM

  1. #16
    Desert Spring is offline Senior Member
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    Hi Treisee,

    We met at 35 and 19, been together six+ years, and living together for five. We've had our ups and downs, but we're still very much a couple and I'm a happy girl at 41.

    Truthfully, all relationships go through some issues, especially in the 4-8 year period (the joking term is "seven year itch") and with my friends who are in same age relationships, the "lack of commitment" issues or some cheating have also frequently come into play as the relationship nears the five year mark. There is no free lunch.

    I think VYM men bring some *different* issues to the table, perhaps, but one is not necessarily more difficult than the other.

    I am curious tho what do you think is the hardest issue to deal with when in a VYM/OW relationship?
    Life cycle issues can be tough. It's easy to feel romantically that you are willing to live out of sync, and harder sometimes to deliver on that promise everyday. The lure of paths not taken. Letting people make the mistakes they have to make. Not condescending because you've been there and done that. Him having the strength to be confident in his choices when he's sampled less of the buffet.

    Because the ym is still starting along the road of adult hood do you think that it creates issues unique to this kind of relationship that need different strategies to deal with it than say a person who has experienced life a little more and has a few more years under their belt?
    I think you have to be willing to be far more flexible and open about change. I think you have to be willing to let your life be disrupted and love it (or try to). I think you have to find the joy in doing things again (and again and again and again). I think you have to try not to feel threatened by doubts and insecurities and waffling and rapid changes in direction, and not take them personally.

    And what would you say is the most amazing thing about this type of relationship?
    What's amazing is the person I am with and the connection we share - despite the age. I honestly don't think this *type* of relatinship is any more or less amazing than any other - what's amazing is that we aren't letting sixteen years keep us apart.

    and what kind of great joys have you had in your relationships? any wonderful memories that you could share with us?
    Simple stuff. Walking around all night, giggling at silly things on late night television, sharing the things that are meaningful to each other, having a man who would spend a day making a crate to move the framed quilt that marks my love for my late husband so it wouldn't break when I moved 2,000 miles to be with him, setting him free after a bad time and watching him *not* walk out that door. He's a jewel and if it ended tomorrow, I wouldn't regret a thing
    Last edited by Desert Spring; 11-14-2005 at 04:07 PM.

  2. #17
    MissGigl Guest
    Hi again,

    Honestly, I can say that our issues have had little or nothing to do with the age difference. The *ONLY* age issue that came up was when we decided to get pregnant. My husband (22 at the time) wanted to wait a few years and I (34 at the time) wanted to get started right away. We did get pregnant right away and after the baby arrived my husband went through a few weeks of "Oh my God, I'm too young for this..." but it's gotten much easier and he's enjoying fatherhood now.

    I have to say, the trials we endured during his immigration to the US were far worse. But they really brought us together.

    Now we really only argue about money. He is much more conservative and "save for a rainy day" and I'm much more of a "can't take it with you" type. In the end I think we're a good balance for each other.

    Seriously, I think he's more mature than me sometimes. He sometimes says things like "I can't believe you didn't pick up your clothes off the floor... you're 35! You should know better!"

    In the VERY beginning we got some funny looks and once someone asked if he was my son. I quickly realized it was because I was doing a lot of stuff for him and acting like a Mom. It had more to do with the fact that he was visiting me in a country foreign to him, but when that stopped the strange looks stopped too. Or maybe I just don't care or notice. My friends say I'm their hero! LOL

    Meg

  3. #18
    littleowl's Avatar
    littleowl is offline Senior Member
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    Hi, Not Crazy

    Quote Originally Posted by NotCrazy?
    When I was 19 I never thought of the men my age as being sweet. How is that?
    Your quote struck me cuz I definitely have thought that too. I am 40 also, and my lover just turned 22. We have been seeing each other over a year.
    Nobody ever told me, I found out for myself. You've got to believe in foolish miracles. -Ozzy Osbourne

  4. #19
    NotCrazy? is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by littleowl
    Your quote struck me cuz I definitely have thought that too. I am 40 also, and my lover just turned 22. We have been seeing each other over a year.
    Poor guy (mine) I sometimes think there are ulterior motives to his sweetness - I have had two long term relationships (7 yrs and 10 yrs) end badly resulting in huge trust issues with men and I have always been insecure because of a not so loving childhood and then these bad relationships on top of that then you add in things like "the old body image" and the fact that our relationship in not totally out of the closet. Man - it gets down right maddening at times. But, it is well worth it. He is starting to erase some of the damage done by others - he does not realize this - I dont want it to go to his head LOL.

  5. #20
    Dolphin1974 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by special K
    Most amazing things about this type of relationship:
    1. The way the vym adores you...it's so sweet, pure and intoxicating
    2. Their unfettered playfulness
    3. Their wide-eyed, mostly non-jaded view of things, perspective on life
    4. Their openess to communicate, laugh, tickle, be goofy, tell you they love
    you and how amazing you are 24-7
    5. The way it feels so natural to be "best friends" because the relationship
    feels so much more like a peer-partnering rather than than one with
    an older man as a "provider and protector"...it's inherently very balanced.
    6. Their confessions of undying love for you, and their sincerity in that
    So well said.This afternoon I was just trying to explain to my friend what it's like to be with someone who's 20 and you just said it all.

  6. #21
    graci Guest
    I am dating a vym he is 20 i am 35, the biggest problem is that he still wants to party, and I am way beyond that, the question arises to accept it even tho i dont like it, and subject my kids to it. Th other problem is that he often feels mothered, because he doesnt pick up after himself, and is rather lazy, I get on him about it when I get tired of doing all the housework, plus picking up after him, he says i act like his mom, yet I often feels he puts me in that position by not being independent, how do encourage his independence without seeming like a mother figure, its a hard question. I also encourage him to go to school do something positive for his future and yet again he feels that i am mothering him by doing that, when I just want him to have a good future, as well as any future we may have together i dunno, its been hard,...

  7. #22
    bubbleee Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Dolphin1974
    So well said.This afternoon I was just trying to explain to my friend what it's like to be with someone who's 20 and you just said it all.

    Yep, yep and yep!

    I agree Dolphin (thanks, Karen).

    BTW Phil cleans the apartment and isn't interested in partying. He has friends his own age and does stuff with them too.

    Like anything else, it's good and bad, but when it's good, it's VERRRY good.

  8. #23
    Science Goddess's Avatar
    Science Goddess is offline Bodhisattva O' Love
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    Quote Originally Posted by graci
    Th other problem is that he often feels mothered, because he doesnt pick up after himself, and is rather lazy, I get on him about it when I get tired of doing all the housework, plus picking up after him, he says i act like his mom, yet I often feels he puts me in that position by not being independent, how do encourage his independence without seeming like a mother figure, its a hard question.
    Encourage his independence or his sense of responsibility? When it comes to things like housework, I think it's the latter. At 39, my (now ex-) boyfriend was 22. He wasn't the worst at housework but it became an issue. I felt like I was his mom (in regards to housework and other chores). Even though I still prefer to date younger, this will never happen again. As I see it, there are three options here: 1) He can pay for a housekeeper to come in as often as needed to clean up after him, 2) you two can make a trade (if you're going to do most of the housework, what can he do instead? I don't like this option), or 3) he learns to be an adult and clean up after himself!

    I hate housework and it does NOT come naturally to me. But in order to not live in a pigsty, I've learned to be okay at it. If I'm ever in that position again, I'm thinking that trading off assigned chores is something worth trying. (I guess that's Option 4.)
    "It's either on the table being a part of your life, or under the table running your life." ~ AMK

    You're an extraordinary woman. How do you expect to lead an ordinary life? ~ Louisa May Alcott

  9. #24
    divine_ms_m's Avatar
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    My most recent interest was in a VYM (21), and since realizing that we would never be more than friends, I've had some time to put things in prospective.

    I believe his interest in me was sincere, but I also know that his interest in girls his own age never waned. A man at his age is making some huge decisions about what kind of life he wants as well as the kind of person he wants to share that life with. Yes he was attracted to me, but, like other women/girls in his life, I'm only a piece of the puzzle - a puzzle that will ultimately take the shape of the woman he will spend the rest of his life with. Maybe I'm being overly philosophical about it, but it's harder to charge him with being immature and fickle when I stop to see him for what he really is - a person who is still growing.

    Having had this experience what advice would I offer to an OW in love with a VYM? Just this: love him completely and enjoy the love he has to offer, but for your own sake do so with a degree of detachment. And should the day come that he decides to move on, release him quickly and without a struggle so that you can begin to move on yourself.
    “A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”
    —Maya Angelou

  10. #25
    LKKMote Guest

    Thumbs up AGRS with VYM

    Okay well, I am 40 and he is about to turn 20. We have been together almost 7 months and it is definitely the roller coaster ride she spoke of! I Love him more than I have loved anyone else I have been with and he says he loves me just as much. He is great with my daughter and basically a great guy. BUT (yep there it is) sometimes he is SO Mature one minute then the next he is such a TEENAGER! makes ya wanna scream LOL But I have just to grit my teeth and get thru the teen spaz thing... he'll be mature again in an hour or so. I just want to say I am SO GLAD I found this site... I thought I was the only one <g> we live in a small town in GA where he grew up.. and as far as his family is concerned, MOST are okay with us being together as Leon was forever a 'problem child' to them. We did have one jerk in his family who actually questioned the sheriff to see if I could be brought up on Child Molestation charges. The Sheriff just laughed at him and said "Leon is over the age of 18.. Get OVER IT!" So thats what I had to deal with at first. Karen

  11. #26
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    kittylane is offline Senior Member
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    i am not sure if we have issues either? i am 47 and he is 26, i worked very hard all my life and we have a bit of security, adam is brilliant and has a very bright future with satellites (sp) and the like, i am kinda excited to see what he is gonna do with the future, in a way, i am gonna be a traditional wife for the first time and that excites me. he was offered a job when he was home and they said they would keep it open for him and its a good job so we will see....

    when there are issues, its usually me who brings them to the table, adam is very wise and calm so he is the stable force in the relationship many times.

    i really forget about the age thing most of the time, i try hard to keep fit and look well and enjoy being on my toes, i tend to still learn things from him, i really like him as a person, i trust him more than anyone i have ever met, he really is hero material, i know that must sound odd, but its true.

  12. #27
    Charlotte's Avatar
    Charlotte is offline Every day is a new one.
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    Quote Originally Posted by graci
    Th other problem is that he often feels mothered, because he doesnt pick up after himself, and is rather lazy, I get on him about it when I get tired of doing all the housework, plus picking up after him, he says i act like his mom, yet I often feels he puts me in that position by not being independent, how do encourage his independence without seeming like a mother figure, its a hard question.
    I don't think that's an age-based thing. I would even dare to say it's common for most men to act that way when they've never had to look after themselves and their moms did all their laundry and cleaned up after them.

    My ex is the same way, even now at 37.

  13. #28
    otaku123 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by graci
    when I just want him to have a good future, as well as any future we may have together i dunno, its been hard,...
    Graci,

    Same exact age pairing here... this is my thing, too. I say "I want you to succeed, learn to be independent.. don't move here because you just want to be with me.. do it for you." I don't know about the other stuff as yet, because he has not moved yet. The original plan was to have him move-in with my cousin (who has since found a roommate since he offered to share his place darn it all), but it looks like he will be living here. Scary! I have also been very, very clear that I am not his mother and have no interest in being his mother!

    I suspect though that he is actually neater than I. We'll see..

  14. #29
    MisKryptonite Guest
    [QUOTE=LKKMote;391772] BUT (yep there it is) sometimes he is SO Mature one minute then the next he is such a TEENAGER! makes ya wanna scream LOL But I have just to grit my teeth and get thru the teen spaz thing... he'll be mature again in an hour or so. QUOTE]

    AMEN! I go through the same thing I love the term teen spaz, that's exactly what it is! Sometimes he just goes on and on about silly pipe dream things and I smile and agree...even encourage, because I know eventually he will come back down to earth
    Mine just went on one of his "adventures", and although I was sad to not go with him, I was proud that he went and did exactly what he wanted to do, and returned HOME, to me. (He went off to California for 5 days, camped Yosemite and did the Sonoma Indy Car Race...alone!) I always tell him he's free to do whatever he wants, and sometimes he comes up with the weirdest stuff, but I know most of it is only a thought.
    He freaks sometimes and it seems he might be embarrassed by the age difference, he gets cold feet and spazzes out...so instead of holding tighter, I let him loose, let him breathe...in an hour, he's back to normal

  15. #30
    special K's Avatar
    special K is offline dedicated member :-)
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    MisKryp.... Wow, you went WAY back to ressurect this thread!

    It was kinda sad, though, reading through the posts and realizing that many of these couples are no longer together...

    Your telling your guy that he is "free to do what he wants" is a gift to him. When one partner clutches, the relationship is doomed, I believe...no matter WHAT ages the partners are!
    "What the caterpillar sees as the end of the world, the butterfly calls wings."

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