AgeMatch.com - the best dating site for inter-generational lovers!  

Page 14 of 14 FirstFirst ... 491011121314
Results 196 to 204 of 204
Like Tree64Likes

Thread: The Cardinal Rules to VYM Relationships

  1. #196
    truckman Guest
    I think the bottom lie of all of this is you need to decide whether you are dating a grown-up or being a mother to a kid, and I don't mean that to sound as prickish as it's probably coming off. I sense you might be flipping back and forth and if I'm right, I can almost guarantee it won't work out for either of you.

    I went through a little of that early on when I met my VYW in 2010 - she turned 20 just before we met, and I was in my 40's, a single father, a business owner, totally in a different life-place. It took me a few rounds of accidental fathering to get it and pay attention to it. I'm glad I did because here we are in 2016 and we're still going strong.

  2. #197
    truckman Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by truckman View Post
    I think the bottom lie of all of this
    That should read "I think the bottom line of all of this is...."

  3. #198
    sharon1963 is offline Neophyte
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    10

    So, it's good to hide things?

    I didnít get to finish the update because I had to go to church. So I guess there is nothing wrong with Derrick promising that he would be open about his smoking and then breaking that promise when we were with his family on Easter? Itís not as if most of the adults in his family donít smoke (parents, grandmother, aunts). He wasted a good opportunity to get this behind him. And something hidden always gets bigger and worse the longer it is hidden. Because things always come out eventually.

    On another note, Derrick reconnected with his parents at parents during Easter and now they are talking to him and theyíre talking to me. This is wonderful! But itís not going to be so wonderful a year from now when they find out their son is smoking, because theyíre going to blame me.

    What does hiding solve? If youíre hiding something, youíre still doing it.

  4. #199
    truckman Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by sharon1963 View Post
    So I guess there is nothing wrong with Derrick promising that he would be open about his smoking and then breaking that promise when we were with his family on Easter?
    I didn't see anyone say that it is.

    Quote Originally Posted by sharon1963 View Post
    because theyíre going to blame me.
    Um, probably not. Deep inside, at a very subconscious level, you blame you which is why you are projecting this fear preemptively.

  5. #200
    theREALTrish's Avatar
    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Rhode Island
    Posts
    1,260
    Quote Originally Posted by sharon1963 View Post
    I didnít get to finish the update because I had to go to church. So I guess there is nothing wrong with Derrick promising that he would be open about his smoking and then breaking that promise when we were with his family on Easter? Itís not as if most of the adults in his family donít smoke (parents, grandmother, aunts). He wasted a good opportunity to get this behind him. And something hidden always gets bigger and worse the longer it is hidden. Because things always come out eventually.

    On another note, Derrick reconnected with his parents at parents during Easter and now they are talking to him and theyíre talking to me. This is wonderful! But itís not going to be so wonderful a year from now when they find out their son is smoking, because theyíre going to blame me.

    What does hiding solve? If youíre hiding something, youíre still doing it.
    Are you dating this guy or trying to raise him? What would your reaction be if he was 48, instead of 18, and he took up smoking? He doesn't have to tell anyone.... family, friends, strangers, or even you, for that matter, that he's decided to smoke. What else is going to come up that you're going to feel that you need to correct him for, so that you aren't held responsible by anyone? Because, at 18, he's got a lot of growing up to do. If you don't lay off this, he's going to start resenting you, then bye bye relationship.
    Angel and degausser like this.

  6. #201
    Ellethe's Avatar
    Ellethe is offline Ex-Marcy'd
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Hilliard, Ohio
    Posts
    1,023
    What Trish said... you can't parent him. Someone else did that already. They may not have done the job you would approve of, and when that is the case, then you have to think about what you want in your life. This is who he is. Do you want that in your life? Can you live with it, without blaming him and nagging to change constantly? If the answer is yes, then its yes, stop punishing him for something you are willing to accept. If the answer is no, then move on. You can't parent him, but you can decide on the course of your relationship with him.
    Magnolia and winner8719 like this.
    Psycho hatchet wielding midgets deserve to die

  7. #202
    degausser is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    532
    Quote Originally Posted by sharon1963 View Post
    I didnít get to finish the update because I had to go to church. So I guess there is nothing wrong with Derrick promising that he would be open about his smoking and then breaking that promise when we were with his family on Easter? Itís not as if most of the adults in his family donít smoke (parents, grandmother, aunts). He wasted a good opportunity to get this behind him. And something hidden always gets bigger and worse the longer it is hidden. Because things always come out eventually.

    On another note, Derrick reconnected with his parents at parents during Easter and now they are talking to him and theyíre talking to me. This is wonderful! But itís not going to be so wonderful a year from now when they find out their son is smoking, because theyíre going to blame me.

    What does hiding solve? If youíre hiding something, youíre still doing it.
    I think you have some very serious issues to work out with this relationship.

    Why does he need to tell them he's smoking? How is this going to "get bigger and worse"? I genuinely do not understand what consequences you are fearing, as far as his family goes. I don't know why you think they would blame you. "Teenager Takes Up Smoking" is not very shocking. And if they did blame you, so what? What do you think the consequences of that would be?

    Also want to +1 the example of a 48 year old. Would you be making a 48 year old promise to tell his parents he's smoking?

    I really think you need to evaluate your ability to treat this person as an adult.

  8. #203
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Yorkshire UK
    Posts
    481
    I think you're missing the point here, which is not about whether it is right for Derrick to hide his smoking or even about him saying he would tell them and then not. It's about you telling him what to do as if he were a child. You're having a sexual relationship with him. You cannot treat him like a child!!
    Magnolia likes this.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

  9. #204
    LunaLove's Avatar
    LunaLove is offline Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Posts
    97
    I do have to agree with many of the others here. It does seem you are treating him as though he's a child and you are the parental figure. I just don't feel that's healthy for a relationship. Even giving him cigarettes seems as though are you putting yourself in the control seat and either approving or disapproving of his behaviors and acting as though that's your role.

    Just because he's so much younger doesn't mean he's not your partner. I expect my husband to act like the adult he is and treat him as though he's an equal in our relationship with equal "say" and working on equal responsibilities. I tend to take more on myself but am trying to get better about that. It's not because he's so young though, feeling the need to take care of everyone else has been a personal issue of my own for a long while.
    Magnolia likes this.

Page 14 of 14 FirstFirst ... 491011121314

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •