Thread: The Cardinal Rules to VYM Relationships

Originally Posted by marcy

This is a beautiful sentiment. Both partners need to be committed and invested. Investment comes in many forms and they are not all financial.

Yes, and when they are not "commited and invested" regardless of the age or age gap, it just isn't going to work, is it?

MY thoughts are that no matter what, as an individual you should know what it is that you want in a relationship...know how you want to be treated and know how much you are willing to give.....know yourself.

then...the person you are involved with should have that stuff together as well...if one of you doesn't it is going to be a very bumpy ride.

Al & I have now been living together since May. He is in every way my equal partner and not afraid of his equality. He contributes financially, shares in the work load and he is fully present emotionally.

We have talked about what makes a strong relationship and share those values, neither one of us would do something if it made the other uncomfortable or insecure in the relationship.

We are building a life together and building our relationship stronger.


As far as who persues who...... well that was equal too.

Open hearts, honest words and the feedom for both of you to be who you are would be my cardinal rule.
Rabbit

I very much agree that two people that are going into a relationship togeather, must be balanced when it comes to managing their seperate income. When my wife and i got togeather, my wife was living on social security due to diabetes. and i was working. I had been living with brothers and sisters up until i met my wife so i hadnt really struck out on my own till then. My wife and i were pretty stable financially for the first year, then things got shaky after my son was born, i spent more and more time not working. It eventually came down to us living off of my wifes social security and times were hard. Now, my wife has passed and for the first time i am facing the reality of supporting not only myself , but my son too. I hadnt faced that test of striking out on my own when i was younger, to live alone and manage my own income and life. My parents are now offering to help and have my son and i move in with them to make it easier on us to get ourselves stabilized after my wife passed. But i am determined to stay in my home and raise my son on my own until possibly someday when i might meet the right person. So that would be my advice to anyone that is looking to start a relationship with a younger person, make sure that person can sustain themself financially without the help of others.

Originally Posted by bubbleee

Yes, and when they are not "commited and invested" regardless of the age or age gap, it just isn't going to work, is it?

Absolutely true... in fact... the longer my relationship goes on the less I see most issues as age related at all...

We do have issues related to the kids and how to interact with them. Although I do think that I could have these same issues with a man of any age, I think his relative to theirs exasperates the situation at times.

Originally Posted by Kristin

You can't deny that, for most people, experience contributes to one's maturity and behavior. I mean, what is "maturity" anyhow?

It was experiencing different things and learning from those experiences which helped me grow and mature. Someone who has never been through certain things will be less likely to react to them in a mature way.

I agree that this is what applies for a lot of people, and in a lot of situations, but you do have to remember that some people just are able to deal with things that they have no experience in, first time, without a problem. A lot of the time I end up giving my gf advice about a variety of things.

One thing that sticks in my mind is that I've never had to be around kids a whole lot, but from the start I've managed to have a good relationship with her daughter.

Originally Posted by rabbit

MY thoughts are that no matter what, as an individual you should know what it is that you want in a relationship...know how you want to be treated and know how much you are willing to give.....know yourself.

then...the person you are involved with should have that stuff together as well...if one of you doesn't it is going to be a very bumpy ride.

Al & I have now been living together since May. He is in every way my equal partner and not afraid of his equality. He contributes financially, shares in the work load and he is fully present emotionally.

We have talked about what makes a strong relationship and share those values, neither one of us would do something if it made the other uncomfortable or insecure in the relationship.

We are building a life together and building our relationship stronger.


As far as who persues who...... well that was equal too.

Open hearts, honest words and the feedom for both of you to be who you are would be my cardinal rule.
Rabbit

Rabbit, thanks for posting your insight. You are a wise lady, indeed.

Originally Posted by Polly

My dad is 13 years older than my mom. For years, he worked, she controlled the money, and she stayed home. When we were teens and she was alone most of the time, she went back to work. Their money was always combined.

When my dad retired, my mom worked for 15 more years supporting them while my dad's pension checks bought more stocks. So, HE supported HER the first 15 years of marriage...and SHE supported HIM the last 15 of their working lives. They are still happily married, now both retired, and traveling their happy little butts off whenever and wherever they so desire!

The first thing my dad said to me when I told him Robin was 15 years younger was: "Well, it'll work out GREAT financially! He'll still be working for 15 years when you're retired!"

I guess if you're together long enough, the sacrifice the older partner makes in the beginning is balanced out in the end. I DO look for my relationship to be very long-term, hopefully until death do us part. Since I look at it that way, I am looking at goals this year, five years from now, ten years from now, etc.

Thanks for posting this Polly. It does make sense, and it's great when two people can contribute like this. I think the key is to make sure that both partners are on the same page financially, that they have the same goals and interests, work ethic etc. I've messed up with this in the past, and am out alot of money because of it.

For myself in the early stages of a relationship, it is difficult retaining my independence sometimes because I am living pretty frugally right now. I don't eat out at restaurants, buy alcohol or enjoy other luxuries, because I am a student and trying to get on my feet (see above comment about past mistake ). We've come to a sort of agreement that if he really wants to do something together that I couldn't or wouldn't do on my own because of the cost, then he will pay it. For example, we eat out fairly often and he usually pays. But, I will pay once in a while, because it's only fair, in my eyes, to make some sort of contribution. But, there is no way I would accept anything else from him, such as a loan etc. I just wouldn't want that bad feeling hanging over my head.

It can be tricky though, when the older partner is used to a certain standard of living etc, and the younger isn't able to afford it independently. I think it can be uncomfortable for both partners. For a professional couple though, as Polly pointed out, the age gap could work really well (providing that the younger partner truly is in it for the long haul).

Originally Posted by Kristin

I think I would be wary of giving money to ANY AGE man - it isn't about age.

Yup.

......

Originally Posted by CabinFever

Thanks for posting this Polly. It does make sense, and it's great when two people can contribute like this. I think the key is to make sure that both partners are on the same page financially, that they have the same goals and interests, work ethic etc. I've messed up with this in the past, and am out alot of money because of it.

For myself in the early stages of a relationship, it is difficult retaining my independence sometimes because I am living pretty frugally right now. I don't eat out at restaurants, buy alcohol or enjoy other luxuries, because I am a student and trying to get on my feet (see above comment about past mistake ). We've come to a sort of agreement that if he really wants to do something together that I couldn't or wouldn't do on my own because of the cost, then he will pay it. For example, we eat out fairly often and he usually pays. But, I will pay once in a while, because it's only fair, in my eyes, to make some sort of contribution. But, there is no way I would accept anything else from him, such as a loan etc. I just wouldn't want that bad feeling hanging over my head.

It can be tricky though, when the older partner is used to a certain standard of living etc, and the younger isn't able to afford it independently. I think it can be uncomfortable for both partners. For a professional couple though, as Polly pointed out, the age gap could work really well (providing that the younger partner truly is in it for the long haul).

Cabin, I thought of your post last night when I bought a luxury for Phil for Valentine's Day.

I could help Phil more financially, but I don't by choice. I put a roof over his head, feed him, provide him health insurance. The rest of it is on him....entertainment, car, clothing, prescriptions, gas, school expenses, etc. It's alot when you think about it. He's a biochem major, with two part time jobs. I don't help him more because it's better for him to stand on his own the most he can. He can grow and mature managing his own affairs rather than me taking care of them for him.

Last night I gave him a small MP3 player for Valentine's Day. He felt bad that I spent the money (about 100 dollars) to get him something like that. I wanted him to have something he could use on campus to chill between classes, etc. He could never afford to buy one himself at this point.

He said that he will "get me back" with a big surprise/gift when he is able. It isn't really necessary on his part, but it does show that he understands what I'm trying to communicate to him on every level, I think.

I am new here- only a few posts so far. I can't get into details as we are both VERY HIGH PROFILE PUBLIC FIGURES! Would love to talk privately to someone for emotional support though. Age diffference in my OW/YM is 28 years!! C ombine THAT with what I said above- and you get the picture!

adayover

Aday, please feel free to PM me. There are more than one or two others with large gaps such as yourself. Phil and I have 33 years between us.

I understand how scary it is.

Yup, we're 28 years as well, and in it for 5 years now. PM, email, we can chat.

I think first the younger man has to have some maturity about him. Psychologists say that mens brains aren't finished forming until they are 25 years old. I found with my younger man, he was incredibly intelligent, but emotionally immature. He simply had not found his way with women, and I was an *experiement in living* for him.

If I have any advice for the women who are thinking about a relationship with a vym, mine would be to tread cautiously! I think the number of men who are truly emotionally available to OW/YM relationships are much smaller than the number of men who are willing to give it a try. Don't let yourself get burned.

Ali

Originally Posted by sheila4pd

Are we allowed to shoot VYM? Or M who are not so VY? Please somebody say yes.

Sheila, why do you ask?