Thread: The Cardinal Rules to VYM Relationships

Originally Posted by legallyblonde

I think first the younger man has to have some maturity about him. Psychologists say that mens brains aren't finished forming until they are 25 years old. I found with my younger man, he was incredibly intelligent, but emotionally immature. He simply had not found his way with women, and I was an *experiement in living* for him.

If I have any advice for the women who are thinking about a relationship with a vym, mine would be to tread cautiously! I think the number of men who are truly emotionally available to OW/YM relationships are much smaller than the number of men who are willing to give it a try. Don't let yourself get burned.

Ali

Ali it's good that you are philosophical about it all now. It must have hurt like the dickens when he stepped away.

Sometimes you just run on faith. I know I do. I have faith in him, and myself and our relationship. What people have between them can't always be quantified, or proven. So we just take that leap of faith (not blindly but choicefully) and hope for the best. But I agree wholeheartedly that it is wise to tread cautiously for awhile.

See, maybe sheila, that's what helps with us. I WAS the leader of the family with my ex husband. I was the main support. Worked two jobs most of the time to do it too. 17 years. We never grew at the same time. I did, he stopped.

I was exhausted. I'm also an oldest child, so taking care of everyone else just was a way of life. And I wore out.

David is honestly a full partner. Yeah, there were things he had to learn. How to balance a checkbook, look for car insurance all that. But the difference is, he wanted to learn, and never once has expected me to do it, like my ex did.

He might be only 22, but he truly does take care of me. And as my older daughter put it, not only does he take care of me, but he takes care of all of us. I've tried, when there is something he doesn't know how to do, to show him, or explain without looking like I'm mothering. I think that's important too.

Again, I can't stress enough, it's not always the age, sometimes its just the person.

I think my rule I'd add to this thread is Don't offer to help unless they ask for it! We women, bless us, want to help out whenever we see somebody struggling with a problem but for guys it just shows them that we don't believe they can do it by themselves. My YM (23) told me it really would bother him if I tried to solve all his problems for him when he doesn't think he needs help. So I just listen and if he needs advice then he asks me for it. Sometimes just letting them work through their problems shows that you have faith in them and that you know they can handle whatever situation comes up. Sometimes it's a really hard thing to do because I'm a helper by nature.

Of course, this rule could apply to men in general regardless how old they are.

Originally Posted by Bella

See, maybe sheila, that's what helps with us. I WAS the leader of the family with my ex husband. I was the main support. Worked two jobs most of the time to do it too. 17 years. We never grew at the same time. I did, he stopped.

I was exhausted. I'm also an oldest child, so taking care of everyone else just was a way of life. And I wore out.

David is honestly a full partner. Yeah, there were things he had to learn. How to balance a checkbook, look for car insurance all that. But the difference is, he wanted to learn, and never once has expected me to do it, like my ex did.

He might be only 22, but he truly does take care of me. And as my older daughter put it, not only does he take care of me, but he takes care of all of us. I've tried, when there is something he doesn't know how to do, to show him, or explain without looking like I'm mothering. I think that's important too.

Again, I can't stress enough, it's not always the age, sometimes its just the person.

Bella, sometimes I think we've lived alternate lives together, lol.

The difference in Phil and my ex is that Phil takes care of me emotionally, where my ex never did. Makes all the difference in the world.

Originally Posted by Sari

I think my rule I'd add to this thread is Don't offer to help unless they ask for it! We women, bless us, want to help out whenever we see somebody struggling with a problem but for guys it just shows them that we don't believe they can do it by themselves. My YM (23) told me it really would bother him if I tried to solve all his problems for him when he doesn't think he needs help. So I just listen and if he needs advice then he asks me for it. Sometimes just letting them work through their problems shows that you have faith in them and that you know they can handle whatever situation comes up. Sometimes it's a really hard thing to do because I'm a helper by nature.

Of course, this rule could apply to men in general regardless how old they are.

Sari, I tend NOT to offer to help because I'm afraid of being the mom too much. But I know plenty of women who do offer to take over from their kids, their partners, etc. This is an excellent point you've raised, here.

Originally Posted by sheila4pd

Traditionally, the man is the leader of a family, and if he is a YM or VYM, the OW feels she is being led by somebody who is less mature than her. She may choose to accept this, out of love, but it can be frustrating.

Who the hell wants to stick to tradition? And if you're an ow, at some point you're going to retire and the ym is going to still be working an earning money (in all probability), so they'll be taking care of you then anyway.

A relationship is a partnership, not a case where one person is in control, dominating or leading it. This is where my gf's family (some of them) have it all wrong. They don't think our relationship is right because they want her to be with someone who is earning money and can take care of her. Nothing seems to be able to get the message through that she doesn't want that... she wants someone to be there for her emotionally, and to share life experiences with. She's quite capable of standing on her own two feet and looking after herself without me being 'the boss'. Women are not weak, they don't need looking after... at least not in general.

Originally Posted by Rob

Who the hell wants to stick to tradition? And if you're an ow, at some point you're going to retire and the ym is going to still be working an earning money (in all probability), so they'll be taking care of you then anyway.

A relationship is a partnership, not a case where one person is in control, dominating or leading it. This is where my gf's family (some of them) have it all wrong. They don't think our relationship is right because they want her to be with someone who is earning money and can take care of her. Nothing seems to be able to get the message through that she doesn't want that... she wants someone to be there for her emotionally, and to share life experiences with. She's quite capable of standing on her own two feet and looking after herself without me being 'the boss'. Women are not weak, they don't need looking after... at least not in general.

Word to the man!

Yeah, word!!

Indeed Bubbs, I wasn't referring to financially taking care of me, I don't need that, I make a good living myself. Although he does as well, I'd be pretty bummed if he made as much at his age, as I make at mine. I've been at it a whole lot longer.

I'm talking emotional, around the house type stuff.

My sister paid him the biggest compliment, when she told me she was really upset when she found out about him, since she'd really hoped that this time I'd find someone who would take care of me. And she was really relieved after getting to know him to find out that I had.

As one of my friends put it, he's one of the good ones.

I had to work late tonight. I got home to dinner on the table. And my kid had her homework done. The mail was in, the trash is ready to go out tonight. In my past life, I'd have gotten home, he'd have been sitting in the recliner, asking what was for dinner, and I'd have had all the other stuff to do as well. We spent all Sunday afternoon helping my older daughter move stuff to their new place, he gave up his afternoon off to help lift and load. A couple of weeks ago, he babysat for two of the grandkids for an hour so they could go to a mandatory meeting. And he's working 40 hours a week too.

He really is one of the good ones, and I bet I don't tell him that often enough....

Bella, so if you don't tell him enough, then tell him more

Even though my experience wasn't just like yours, I see so much of how I felt about my life before my divorce in your words. I was the responsible one. Not that my ex was irresponsible, he just didn't own anybody's happiness, not even his own.

I know Phil loves me because he wants to be a better man for himself and for me. That is exactly what David wants for himself and you, too.

Originally Posted by legallyblonde
I think first the younger man has to have some maturity about him. Psychologists say that mens brains aren't finished forming until they are 25 years old. I found with my younger man, he was incredibly intelligent, but emotionally immature. He simply had not found his way with women, and I was an *experiement in living* for him.

If I have any advice for the women who are thinking about a relationship with a vym, mine would be to tread cautiously! I think the number of men who are truly emotionally available to OW/YM relationships are much smaller than the number of men who are willing to give it a try. Don't let yourself get burned.

Ali

Ali....so, so true...definitely, if you are considering a relationship with a vym, or just starting one, tread cautiously. I truly believe that vym's intentions can be good and pure in the beginning, but they are in that nebulous state of flux developmentally (so are vyw, by the way) and are understandably prone to "confusion" or changes in their initial resolve later on.

Enjoy VYM for where they are now in their lives and what they are growing into. Live in the present but plan for the future as well.

For me, this is a really fun part. I truly enjoy seeing Phil enjoy life as a YM in his 20's and making preparations for his future career, grad school and the like. Sometimes we do research together on the type of medical career he could go into, etc. We also do research on the continued outlook for my career path, which is information technology.

We emphasize our strengths and what they bring to our relationship. We continue to grow and discover together, too.

Hi Mods,

I stumbled across this.

It's good stuff.

Sticky it, please?

My guy and had had a very good conversation this evening. Not an easy one because I still have pangs of worry.

Earlier today, he said.

"I am going to marry you, Lis' "

He's always said he wanted to marry me. Heck, he told me within a few months of meeting me he wished he were my husband. After almost 2 years, at least he's consistent. I think that meets the cardinal rule.... I

I digress. I think other "OW" would like to see these comments, these voices of experience. I think we "OW" can go through the pangs and many of them are mentioned in this thread and in my eyes, debunked for what they most likely are:

fear... worry about what people will think (friends, family) because he isn't established yet, etc. This is a good thread. Let's keep it up for those of us who are still working on getting comfortable with this amazing, scary, and wonderful experience...

the experience, of course, being well and truly loved by someone and never mind the age gap!

A very interesting thread. My VYM (18) is moving in with me next week (we're currently 600 miles apart) in order to give our relationship the best chance we can - it'sa risk, I know, but we both want to give it our best shot and being 600 miles apart was becoming quite tough.

I've read every reply on here and taken on board a lot of the points made, you are all wise women and I'm so grateful for this site!

Basically, my mindset is: live in the moment, if we are both making each other happy then that is all that matters. I never treat him any differently because of his age, I never do things for him that he can do himself, and I respect him and show him I love him.

However I am also very aware that he is not as experienced as me and may have a lot of changes to go through emotionally in the future. One day, some day, maybe he will realise that he has outgrown me and his feelings have changed. I've told him that if this happens, all I will ask of him is that he is honest with me.

I've been there - at 20 I was with a man 11 years older than me (the age gap is exactly the same, almost to the day) and I fell out of love with him after about three years - staying with him for a further two years before I had the courage to leave. My vym knows all about this relationship in my past and how unhappy I was at the end, and we talked about how I would never want him to feel this way in our relationship.

But the fact that there is a risk that this might happen in no way affects the way I feel about the relationship. All sorts of relationships fail for different reasons, and the main thing for me is that we are happy now. I'm the happiest I have ever been.

And hey, my friend just married her fiance who she met when he was 17 and she was 25. They've been together 13 years now with two children, so it just goes to show that sometimes, it works.

You just need to go into the relationship with your eyes open.

The lesson I'm learning right now:

A VYM will act just like just like you did at that age. He will NOT always resolve it they way you did. And you have no right to be judgemental or impatient about that. Our mistakes can be our greatest tools in maturing.


That one is a doozy for me. There are things I just know from having been there and I forget he hasn't had all those things happen yet. Does my experience make me right? Probably not about 1/2 the time. It's nice to see he can view something in a different light. I have to learn to bite my tongue until it bleeds sometimes.

And bubble, I couldn't agree with you more. I think having my VYM pursue me like no other man is what made me think, wait, maybe there is something here to be seen. But I'd love to see that happen no matter what their age!