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Thread: The Cardinal Rules to VYM Relationships

  1. #76
    chrisy Guest
    Badgergat,

    I had similar "concerns" to those that you are currently having. I applauded women such as Demi Moore but a YM was just not my cup of tea...... until T came along and I (finally) took the chance with him.

    Now I understand that being in a relationship with a mature YM whom you admire and who adores you can be quite fulfilling. It comes down to both parties - not the public, family or friends and definitely not your "preconceived ideas" of the significance of age in romance. I can tell you something that I have learnt - a mature and ambitious YM at 26 can sometimes be more of a man than many who are much older.

    What kind of man is he? Yes, he is younger than you are - but does that mean he is not mature enough to partner with you in your life's journey or part thereof? Can he bring joy into your life? Is it possible that he just may enhance your life and you his? Sometimes life brings us gifts that may not be packaged the way we expected them to be - but inside that box is a gift that may be much better than we could have ever imagined. Don't let the wrapping of the gift stop you from opening the box.

    (P.S.: I am now 47 years old. I am a business woman in a male dominated and very conservative field. I had some misgivings (because of his age) about having him accompany me to many of those necessary "social-business" events as "my partner". Guess what? I took the chance. I am known to be an astute business woman and no one has the right to begin questioning my credibility because I am involved with a much younger man. My YM has been great! I am quite proud of the way he presents hiimself! Regrets? None whatsover)
    Last edited by chrisy; 12-12-2006 at 10:50 PM.

  2. #77
    special K's Avatar
    special K is offline dedicated member :-)
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    It's been four weeks of confusion, fear, and joy with my YM--I turned 49 last week and he is 26.
    badgercat.... for the specific issues in this thread, your guy does not fall into the category of a "vym" (VERY young man). That age range is in the 18-21 range, more of less, when young people of both sexes are just getting their feet wet as young adults (legal, but not neccessarily fully self-actualized or autonomous yet, depending on the individual).

    At 26, your guy has been on his way in his adult life for a few years now, and not a vym any longer. Yes, there may still be all of that confusion/fear you mentioned because of the relationship being "out of the box" since he's younger, but really, I wouldn't worry. If he seems like a man of integrity, is well on his way in a career path, has a healthy independence from his family, has had other adult relationships under his belt, he's probably a good bet at his age if he's sure he wants to be with you. Just go with it. Be looking at his character now to determine if he'd be a good partner, rather than his age at this point.

    Like Rozie pointed out, at 26 I was married, had a degree and a teaching credential in 2 states, had had other adult relationships prior to my marriage, and was well into adulthood. At 18-19 or so, I still had a ways to go...just starting college, finding my place in the adult world, experimenting with dating, still somewhat dependent on my parents, mature in some ways - but not in life experience, etc.

    In working with older teens in my business (17-19), "owning" one (my son who's almost 20), and loving one once (18 when we fell in love...I was *cough* 43) I for one here on the board see a huge difference in general between an 18 year old and a 26 year old.

    P.S. I'm 50, and my ym is 27...same dif as yours...and we are FINE
    Last edited by special K; 12-20-2006 at 01:23 AM.
    "What the caterpillar sees as the end of the world, the butterfly calls wings."

  3. #78
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    I am turning 40 next year, my YM is almost 22 and a lot of the time I feel like he is the more stable, mature one - whether this is due to his cultural background, spiritual outlook, family situation etc. I don't know but that is what I suspect. When I am with him I do not feel like I am with someone almost 20 years younger - the latest video game system or Britney's latest faux pas do not enter the conversation, maybe that has something to do with it... I think if someone is brought up very sheltered, spoiled and never really has had to face many challenges then that person will remain immature regardless of how many birthdays they have celebrated.

  4. #79
    Faith Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by MeroNepaliMaya
    I think if someone is brought up very sheltered, spoiled and never really has had to face many challenges then that person will remain immature regardless of how many birthdays they have celebrated.
    I agree with this. I also think that oftentimes it takes the death of the parent(s) in order to jolt the adult child into finally growing up. That's what happened to me when my mother died... and I've seen it happen to other friends, too, male and female. This phenomenon isn't limited to a vym.

  5. #80
    Chamaeleon Guest

    Wink Cheers!~

    Quote Originally Posted by Kristin
    Hmmm.....kinda different take on what I was saying, actually.

    I think what I was really trying to say is that you have to be ready for it and fit each other's expectations ie the moon/stars/planets having to align.

    I think part of the point of my thread, though, is that there ARE NO "CARDINAL RULES."

    Every relationship has so many different variables that what works for one couple may very well fail for another.

    Some "advice" is good - like not letting youth be an excuse for bad behavior - but other things just don't apply to all relationships.

    For example, finances. Yes there is a greater chance that you may be better off financially, but that doesn't mean that every YM will take advantage of that. Like many women here, I did help Jeremy get on his feet - but he paid me back every cent with every paycheck. And now, he is the only obsticle between my family and living on the street. Not all YM (or men in general) are going to do that.

    So, not all AGRs are created equal.

    My point is, you just can't ignore whether or not you are both in the "right" place to handle the AGR. Either he needs to be at the point that he is ready to step up and be a man, in a mature relationship, with all that entails with YOU in your situation, or you need to be able to step back or be in a place that allows for a guy who is still learning the ropes and may struggle, as we all did at some point.

    If one or the both of you is not there, at the right place at the right time, it just won't work.

    It has nothing to do with the size of the gap nor the age of the man.
    I totally agree..my Ym age 19 came out got 2 jobs WITHOUT me saying nothing..I dont have to ..he is the one saying okay i was thinking about this at work and we wil need x amount of this for that for US its never about HIM its an US thing and its the same with me....has over 5k put away for us already not counting what i have..im on HIS bank account ..his parents WHOA fall over have accepted me and we all had a long talk...they NOW see us as a happy couple and see that we are good together..i got the what are your intentions with my son talk hehe and now his mum is happy that he is happy...his dad and i get along great and so far so good with mum...He will be here to live for a while then im moving to australia with him. He and I both sit down together and work out money probs..work as a team..make choices together...I dont tell him how to do things nor him with me...we support each other 100%..be it a bad choice or good choice..we shurg and say OOPS well that did not work lets try it this way..ALSO COMMUNICATION IS GOOD...DO NOT MOTHER HIM BITE YOUR TONGUE!! LOL...i never had this in my past relationships and a few men i did mother.EEK!.so this one is a great and beautiful relationship..I BITE MY TONGUE...how will he grow if i dont let him make choices to?...
    I love the man he already is and im going to still love the man he will become!

    good luck to all and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

  6. #81
    Enigma Guest

    Unhappy Awww ~ Confusion

    Quote Originally Posted by marcy
    I am in a successful marriage with a ym. I am 38 and my husband is 21. We have been together since he was 18... so far so good
    Thanks Marcy for replying me but so far nobody has helped me in giving me more advice. I'm so confused at the moment. Not sure if I should go ahead. He just did badly in his exams and he won't be flying down now but he has said he might come in February instead. During the course of our conversations, he did tell me that he wanted to aim to be a professional breakdancer. Didn't know how to react to it so I didn't say anything.

    I'm really new to this and stumbled on this website and was hoping for more insight into relationship with a YM.

    Gals & Guys, please do post some stuff for me besides those that I've already read in this thread. Need some guidance. Not sure to try or just fade away.

  7. #82
    Daniel Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma
    Hi Everybody

    I am an online girlfriend with a YM, and we have been together for 3.5 months. We met on an online game and the relationship has developed online. Recently he has surprised me by telling me that he will be coming to visit me and spending Christmas eve with me. This will be our 1st meeting. He is flying down from Europe to Singapore and that is quite a distance.

    He has told me that what he loves about me is that he can trust me 100% without worrying about me going for another guy due to money issues as his previous young girlfriends has. If someone better looking or has more money, they would leave him for the other guy. But like previous threads or posts I have read, I have the same concerns with our age difference. This is a first OW/YM relationship I am going into.

    Most of the contributions I have read are from America, Europe etc. I'm Asian and he is too although he was brought up in Europe and is currently staying there. I'm also afraid of what my parents would think (they would freak out) as I'm from a traditional family and am still staying with my parents. I'm 39 and he is 19. My ex was 43 but he fooled around alot and I still have fears on that issue.

    Is there any advise you could give me on the topics of discussions that I should have with him on my concerns of age and money.

    I've read on one post, with regards to online gaming with your online boyfriend then before becoming your husband. Does how a person play online tell much about a character of a peron in his real life? Cause in-game, my YM spends alot of money and sometimes borrows in-game money but he has never asked me to loan him any in real life. Please need urgent advise on this particular paragraph of thought.

    As my boyfriend will be flying down this month and in about a week when I will meet him, I want to be mentally prepared. I'm both excited and nervous and he has conveyed the same sentiments.

    Help please all who are in a marriage or have a successful OW/YM relationship. I'm just on yellow alert now. Need help before it becomes on red alert.
    I can help you here. I have done some online gaming and played tabletop rpg for years. Look at his real life finances. If the only place he's irresponsible is 'in game', then I wouldn't worry. When people play an rpg, be it online or tabletop, they have the opportunity to play at being something they aren't and at doing things they really can't do.

    Also, I believe that some of the online games are set up with the idea of trading items and pooling money to get powers and such. As to how his age factors into it, there are responsible 19 year olds and irresponsible ones. The same can be said of 39 year olds (I'm 39 too ) or of 59 year olds. As I don't know him, that is something you'll have to feel out.

    By now, you have probably met, and I do hope that all went well. Sorry not to respond sooner; life offline has been hectic.

    Best wishes,

    Dan

  8. #83
    Daniel Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma
    Thanks Marcy for replying me but so far nobody has helped me in giving me more advice. I'm so confused at the moment. Not sure if I should go ahead. He just did badly in his exams and he won't be flying down now but he has said he might come in February instead. During the course of our conversations, he did tell me that he wanted to aim to be a professional breakdancer. Didn't know how to react to it so I didn't say anything.

    I'm really new to this and stumbled on this website and was hoping for more insight into relationship with a YM.

    Gals & Guys, please do post some stuff for me besides those that I've already read in this thread. Need some guidance. Not sure to try or just fade away.
    Totally missed your last post here. Sorry to hear that he wasn't able to come down. Regarding your initial concern, I'd be more concerned with the professional breakdancer than with the online gaming. I wouldn't give up just yet, though. You're in an online/telephone relationship, so it isn't like going along a little longer is going to hurt.

    Find out what his plan is. How does a breakdancer make money? I didn't think anyone even cared about breakdancing anymore, but I could be wrong. Does he have regular gigs lined up? Is he intending to do this to the exclusion of a day job? Perhaps he figures he can do this as an avocation, and if he finds himself a millionaire, then he can quit his day job. If that is his attitude, then I wouldn't worry. If he's quitting his day job, he's being unrealistic.

    Best wishes,

    Dan

  9. #84
    special K's Avatar
    special K is offline dedicated member :-)
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    Thumbs down

    Enigma ... He's only 19, you met online, are in other countries, and he didn't come to visit you like he said he would...plus, he wants to be a professional breakdancer?

    He sounds too young and impulsive/unrealistic at this point. I would move on and not hang my hat on anything of value happening with this guy.

    I own a contemporary dance studio in America.... "professional break dancers" don't really exist, at least not ones who make any money. There are a couple of touring hip hop/break dance companies, but those dancers are VERY few, have trained for 10+ years in ALL dance forms, and STILL don't make much money. His desire to be a breakdancer is just really naive...which shows his level of readiness to be in a REAL adult relationship.

    Move on before you invest any more time or emotional-energy on this one. Sorry to sound negative, but there are too many red flags, and for a relationship to have a chance of working with a vym, the ym HAS to be exceptionally mature, responsible, focused, genuine, independent, realistic, and honest for his age. They are an exception rather than a rule, I believe.

    Sounds like your ym is probably lacking in a few of those areas.
    "What the caterpillar sees as the end of the world, the butterfly calls wings."

  10. #85
    aemale04 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by marcy
    Can I add another?

    Don't be anyone's dirty little secret... even if your partner is between the ages of 18 to 21

    If he's scared to come "out" about you during this time period, it is not going to get better with age.
    As they say, honesty is the best policy..

  11. #86
    Silver_Granny Guest

    Can you ever have cardinal rules in any relationship?

    Not sure you can ever set down a set of rules that must be always be follwed, all you can do is have your own rules that let you know when a relationship is right, and this is outside of any issue over age gaps.

    I guess that because my relationship has a very large age gap (I am 56 he is 22) then there are some extra 'rules' that I apply that wouldn't be there if he was say 52, these are to do with maturity, not being, as someone excellently put it, anyones dirty little secret, and how is he growing as he ages - are his feelings for me departing.

    Of course issues of development occur in any relationship, and people can let you down, see file marked 'husband running away with another woman after 27 years of marriage', but with a VYM then you have to accept that they still have some maturing to do and that this may affect their whole outlook on life, including you.

    Having said all that, I have been with my VYM for over 2 years now and we have a very strong loving relationship - we don't live together but have keys for one anothers houses and don't need to make an appointment to visit.

    I have met his family, and his friends, the latter is in some ways a more important marker of how open he is about you.

    So, yes a relationship with a large age gap can work, as with all relationships there are no guarantees.

    Of course you have to examine your own motives about the relationship as well, I asked myself the question 'if this person were 62 would I still be interested in him' and my answer was a resounding yes.

    I needed to satisfy myself that he wasn't just after a fling with an older women as part of his fantasy fulfilment but also I had to satisfy myself that I wasn't just using him for an ego boost for myself - hey people look at the young man I am bedding!

    My biggest concern isn't the age of my partner but the fact that he was a virgin when we met, so I do wonder how he will feel about not having played the field, I hasten to add that I trust him completely and know that he wouldn't be unfaithful, but as I said earlier people can change. I trusted my husband, and for most of the marriage that trust was not misplaced, but something inside him changed in the last couple of years culminating in his leaving me, since the divorce I found out that he had been unfaithful on and off for the last couple of years of the marriage.

    Okay, I will stop rambling on now.

    My point, if there is one, is that it is not the age gap that will determine the succes of the relationship but the quality and commitment of the people inside it.

  12. #87
    marcy Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Silver_Granny
    My point, if there is one, is that it is not the age gap that will determine the succes of the relationship but the quality and commitment of the people inside it.
    Most excellently put and I couldn't agree more

  13. #88
    isitlove Guest
    i agree.. very well said!!

  14. #89
    Blondbombshell Guest
    I am 28 and in a steady loving relationship with a 19 year old man for nearly a year. I am separated from my husband for over a year and my man really helped me through that hard time. I agree that us OW should be no dirty little secret and he told his family and friends about 3 months after we started seeing each other and they have all accepted me and my 3 little girls from my marraige. We go for dinner in his parents house and my kids are in the same school as his aunts and we speak everyday. I was very nervous at the time he was telling them and I did feel like a bit of a dirty secret which is what pushed him to bringing it all out in the open. It wasnt so easy with my own family, he was my brothers best friend and he is still not 100% accepting of us. My mother and sister love him and know he is wonderful for me and the kids. As their father is not even in their life, he is their father figure and does homework, school runs and even gets up in the middle of the night to the baby. We have talked about marraige and kids together and this is definately in the future.

    He works very hard and plays hurling and gaelic football but other than that he is at home with me and the kids as a family. I would not accept partying and messing around and if he wanted to behave like this then I just would not be with him. I truly believe that YM should be treated the same as any man in a relationship and not given special treatment just because they are younger!
    Last edited by Blondbombshell; 03-07-2007 at 09:00 AM.

  15. #90
    Blondbombshell Guest
    In reply to Silver_granny


    My 19 yr old man actually had more partners than myself before we met but I understand how you feel. I questioned this myself. I had been in 2 long term relationships before my husband of 7 years since I was 17 and my YM had triple the partners at only 18 when we met.

    He tells me everyday that I am his dream woman and that why would he want to play the field or around on me when he has everything he needs in a woman like me.

    It is about trust and I trust him with my life especially after having an unfaithful husband.
    Last edited by Blondbombshell; 03-07-2007 at 11:32 AM.

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