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Thread: need some advice.

  1. #1
    Bob's babydoll's Avatar
    Bob's babydoll is offline Love is patient...
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    Question need some advice.

    Hey guys and gals, I need some advice here.

    ok, so first a bit of a background story: Bob used to smoke. He quit smoking back in the nineties. I'm a nonsmoker, however, I pretty much grew up around it, as my whole family (mom, dad, sister) smokes, as well as most of my friends. Although I never had the urge to smoke and think it's a bad habit, I always had a "whatever, no big deal" attitude about people who smoke.

    As many of you know, I moved in with Bob after being in a LDR for seveal years. Spending practically all your time with someone as opposed to seeing them once every few weeks is a big difference.

    Anyway, I'm convinced that Bob has started smoking again. Living with smokers all my life I'm pretty sure I know the signs. The thing is, he does it in secret. He'll go into the bathroom at night when he thinks I'm sleeping, he'll "light up" and when he comes back into bed, I can distinctly smell cigarette smoke on him.

    I just don't know why he can't just come out and tell me about it, instead of hiding it from me. Is he afraid that I'll be disappointed in him? At this point I'm more disappointed in the fact that he feels can't be honest with me about this than the fact that he's smoking. Truth is, even though I wish he would stop for health reasons, smoking really isn't a big deal.

    I'm not sure what I should I do? Should I call him upon it? Wait until he has the courage to tell me? I have told him many times that he could tell me anything. I suppose I'm disappointed in myself as well as I can't just come out and tell him that I know and that I'm not freaked by it.

  2. #2
    Bob's babydoll's Avatar
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    uh-oh. Maybe I should have posted this in yw/om relationship support.

    Could a mod please move this? Thanks!

  3. #3
    Misery Guest
    Funny you brought this up, a few weeks ago my YM suggested we quit smoking, it has been very hard for me as i have been smoking everyday since i was 13, so thats 28 years. I'm not going to lie, i have snuck a few in, and i absolutely have done the bathroom thing LOL. You should talk to him about it because he wont get tired of hiding it, it actually becomes like a game, and he might end up smoking even more .And yes...i have confessed to him that i cheated, because i would feel even more guilty if i hadn't.

  4. #4
    BlueBird Guest
    Tell him flat he smells of smoke in the morning. Sooner or later he will confess. Thatís no big deal for your relationship. Ex smokers hate to get caught smoking. Perhaps they see it as a sign of inner weakness. If I were you I would insist that he stops smoking in the bathroom, thatís all. The more you are unimpressed the easier he will stop smoking again.

    BlueBird

  5. #5
    scott2075 Guest
    He has felt he's let himself down along with you. He'll eventually get tired of sneaking around, or better yet, when you knows he's smoking, just stumble in on him. lol

  6. #6
    Rozie Guest
    I think I would just get this out in the open. He may figure you know and may be sneaking around with it out of courtesy, not wanting to flaunt something he knows you are not crazy about. He might rationalize that a cigarette or two a day is not really smoking. Just tell him you know he's smoking and he's not hiding it and he doesn't need to hide it. Simple...done...you don't have to tiptoe around this.

  7. #7
    Jemma-lyn Guest

    I concur

    I have to agree with you... I would be more concerned that he is hiding it from me.

    If it were me I would wait until he slips away again and say

    "Hey sexy leave the window open please and hurry back I miss you already"

  8. #8
    Geo55 Guest
    If you've noticed something, tell him what you've noticed (he smells like cigarettes after coming back from the bathroom).

    Tell him how his sneaking around makes you feel, tell him how his smoking makes you feel. Do it in a way that is not confrontational and doesn't lay a guilt trip on him. Say it with love.

    In other words, don't hold anything back, just talk, don't make a big deal of it.

    the old guy

  9. #9
    Bob's babydoll's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone for your great advice.

    I think I'm going to give it just a few more days for him to confess to me before I reveal that I know. I think he's cracking. Last night a conversation led to him telling me how much he smoked before he quit in the nineties. My response was "Oh, that's not so bad! Not a big deal at all." I was sure he was going to tell me then, but he didn't. Oh well, as I said before, I'll give it just a bit longer before I let him know that I know and it isn't a big deal.

  10. #10
    Bob's babydoll's Avatar
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    So I did let a few days pass, hoping he would bring it up to me. A few days ago I couldn't stand it any longer and just blurted it out to him that I knew. At first he looked at me with this Oh shoot, what am I going to say? look on his face. I took his hand and said "Honey, it's ok." He admitted to me he felt childish that he didn't just come right out and tell me and I admitted I was disappointed that he felt he had to hide it from me. Despite his disappointment in himself, I could clearly see the relief on his face that this is all out in the open.

    I think we both feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders.

  11. #11
    justMike Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Bob's babydoll View Post
    I think we both feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders.
    Good for you Babydoll. That kind of honesty is always a hard thing to start, but it fixes something that could only become a whole lot worse. Whether it's smoking, or drinking or any other little "secret," it's the failure of honesty in the relationship that becomes the central issue. No matter how the smoking thing goes now, you can always talk about it. Happy Valentine's Day! You've earned it.

    Mike

  12. #12
    Bob's babydoll's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by justMike View Post
    Good for you Babydoll. That kind of honesty is always a hard thing to start, but it fixes something that could only become a whole lot worse. Whether it's smoking, or drinking or any other little "secret," it's the failure of honesty in the relationship that becomes the central issue. No matter how the smoking thing goes now, you can always talk about it. Happy Valentine's Day! You've earned it.

    Mike
    Thank you, Mike!

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