Thread: Help! I've Fallen for My Professor!

Hello, and welcome to Ageless! If you're reading this thread, there's a good chance that you've found yourself seriously crushing on your professor. You may even intend to start a relationship with him. Having a crush on a professor can be fun and makes class much more exciting, but if you're seriously considering starting a relationship with him, I suggest you read through the rest of this post. Take it from someone who is currently dating her former professor---you'll want to ask yourself these questions before you take the next step toward starting a relationship.

1. Is he in your major/minor department?

If he is, don't even consider starting a relationship with him until after you graduated. It would be a major conflict of interest and could possible destroy his and your reputation in the field.

My OM was my professor in my major. In order to have an ethical relationship, I waited to ask him out until I had graduated and all my final records were in the books. We're still not very open about it with people from the institution, mostly due to prejudice about AGRs. This part of our relationship is awkward, but we do what we can.

2. What is your school's policy about student-teacher relationships?

Many prohibit any type of romantic relationship between a student and a professor, even if he doesn't have any sort of conflict of interest. Competition for jobs in academia is fierce. If he got fired/lost tenure for sexual harassment, which is what they'd consider your relationship to be, it would be very hard for him to get another job/regain tenure. If you really care about him, you won't jeopardize his career.

3. Have you interacted with him outside of the classroom?

Great teachers are great actors. They use what they've learned about pedagogy to create engaging and exciting lectures and activities for their students. They're passionate about their subject, and they try to share that passion with their students. Sometimes students confuse the passion and curiosity that's been ignited for the subject for feelings about their professor. Professors are often quite different outside of work, like a lot of people are.

4. If it's kosher, are you prepared to deal with the consequences of dating him while you're still in school?

That would mean that you can't take any more of his classes, can't request letters of recommendation, and can't be his advisee. And since people love to talk, you'd have to be prepared to deal with raised eyebrows from both your peers and your professors, many of whom are probably his friends. Are you prepared to deal with their judgement over your relationship? What happens if you two break up? Professors are people, after all.

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If you've been honest in answering those questions to yourself and still intend to start the relationship, there will be some things you'll want to know about your professor:

1. Is he already in a relationship?

Some professors refer to their families in their lectures. Others don't. Do not pursue a relationship with a man in a monogamous relationship. Period. End of sentence.

2. Does he have a reputation for dating students?

If so, enter this relationship with your eyes open. Don't pursue the relationship unless you're okay with possibly being the student of the month.

3. How will you balance the power differential when switching from a student/teacher relationship to a lover/lover relationship?

A professor has much more power than a student does in an educational setting. The students sit quietly and listen to their professor, take instructions and feedback from their professor, and often defer to their professor's expertise. That's perfectly fine---for student/teacher relationships. If you're interested in a real relationship, you want to date somebody who treats you like a peer, not as a student. Some people are perfectly okay switching roles, and others have difficulty doing so.

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Bottom line: You really should wait until you've graduated or transferred institutions to begin a relationship with your professor. That may seem like it's forever away, but I waited to ask mine out, and we've been together ever since <3

Some things are worth waiting for. If you're serious about this relationship, you'll wait.