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Thread: He's Only Ten Years Older Than Me, But Mother Doesn't Approve (23 vs. 33)

  1. #1
    blueingreen88 is offline Neophyte
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    He's Only Ten Years Older Than Me, But Mother Doesn't Approve (23 vs. 33)

    I am 23 years old, I graduated from college a year ago and I'm just starting out, still building up my savings, building up my credit. SO unfortunately I still am living at home and under my parents rules even though I'm technically an adult.

    I met this guy online and we've been talking since 2009, we plan to meet (in a public/safe place) for the first time this year. I have never had such an emotional connection, we can talk on the phone for hours. He is sweet, gentle, caring and ambitious, but all my mother sees is that he's ten years older than me. I am 23, he is 33 and it's not that large of an age gap...down the line no one would even bat an eye about it. When I'm 40 and he's 50 no one would even care, but my mother would rather that I be single, childless and lonely than get serious with him. He recently sent me an expensive gift and my mother went ballistic because she said that he was probably just trying to get into my pants. I've never been sexually active, but if things go well and if he turns out to be as cute and kind in person as he is on the phone, I will surely be sexually active soon. My mother was married when she was my age, my grandmother was married even younger, but I feel like my mother just doesn't want me to make my own decisions. She wants to control who I date and won't even give the guy a chance...because she says he's too old for me.



    Now, we are both wondering how is this going to work when we meet and if we hit it off..are we even going to be able to carry our relationship to the next level when my family is against the age gap..?

  2. #2
    thatoneperson's Avatar
    thatoneperson is offline Senior Member
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    If you're still living with your parents, and they don't approve of your relationship, it's going to be very difficult. I know people like to think that, "If she's an adult now, her parents should take that into consideration!", but let's be honest: if they're financially supporting you, and you're living under their roof, they're going to do as they please, which apparently includes keeping you out of this relationship.

    Do you have a car? That will make things a bit easier for you. That way you'll be able to get yourself out of the house and, if it gets to this point, stay over at his place.

    Honestly, your best bet is to get your own place if you want your parents out of your hair. Do you make enough money to live with other people to keep rent low?

  3. #3
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    I guess it depends - to what extent does she not approve? Is she going to simply be vocal about her opinion, but let you do what you want? Or is she actually trying to forbid you? If it's the former, I say just give it a chance. She could surprise all of you and end up liking him.

    If it's the latter, I say give it a chance - but be prepared for the consequences. I agree with thatoneperson - unfortunately, the best way to put some distance between your choices and your mom is to live on your own. And even if it's not feasible now, it never hurts to check out your options for a later time.

    For now, just focus on meeting and seeing if you hit it off. One step at a time
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  4. #4
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    You're right 10 years is nothing. I'm guessing if your mum married at your age 23, she's now in her 40's? People tend not to change much from when they're in their 30's to 40's so it 'might' be that she's viewing your fella as someone closer to her mindset /age thus seeing it as a bigger gap than it actually is. Added to this you havent actually met yet, so could also be she's not giving much weight to the seriousness of your relationship.

    Bottom line, she can't actually stop you from seeing him so carry on as you are, but try not to talk about him or raise the topic. If and when you meet your fella and if things go well, then you can be more pro active in trying to change her opinion.

  5. #5
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Blue:
    You are not telling us what would be the consequences of you dating this man. A fight with mom? A reduction in your allowance? Being kicked out of the house? Being banished from the family with the "you are dead to me" scenario?

    Could it be that your mom is afraid of the very real possibility of an unwanted pregnancy and since you are not financially independent it would fall on her? Is your guy financially stable?

    Is this going to be your first boyfriend? Are you an only child? Is your older guy divorced w/children? Are there religious reasons behind your mom's concern? I once dated a divorced older man and my Catholic family was not happy about it.

    Sorry about so many questions, but there are sometimes reasons behind a mother's stance. Sometimes it's just something as simple as mistrust, that can be solved with a traditional "permision to date your daughter" kind of courtesy.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  6. #6
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    Welcome, bluingreen!

    You are at an age where young people begin to drift away from their parents. These days, 20's--especially early 20's--is pretty much an extension of adolescence. You are spreading your wings and developing your independence. Yet your mom still sees you as someone who needs protection. You're still her "little girl."

    True, 10 years is small compared to some of us on here. But it's still 10 years!

    I agree with the advice above--is there any way possible you can get your own apartment with roommates? It may not be an ideal situation, but it would be a step toward your independence from your family, and give them a chance to start thinking of you as a young adult rather than an old adolescent.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  7. #7
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by blueingreen88 View Post
    I am 23 years old, I graduated from college a year ago and I'm just starting out, still building up my savings, building up my credit. SO unfortunately I still am living at home and under my parents rules even though I'm technically an adult.

    I met this guy online and we've been talking since 2009, we plan to meet (in a public/safe place) for the first time this year. I have never had such an emotional connection, we can talk on the phone for hours. He is sweet, gentle, caring and ambitious, but all my mother sees is that he's ten years older than me. I am 23, he is 33 and it's not that large of an age gap...down the line no one would even bat an eye about it. When I'm 40 and he's 50 no one would even care, but my mother would rather that I be single, childless and lonely than get serious with him. He recently sent me an expensive gift and my mother went ballistic because she said that he was probably just trying to get into my pants. I've never been sexually active, but if things go well and if he turns out to be as cute and kind in person as he is on the phone, I will surely be sexually active soon. My mother was married when she was my age, my grandmother was married even younger, but I feel like my mother just doesn't want me to make my own decisions. She wants to control who I date and won't even give the guy a chance...because she says he's too old for me.



    Now, we are both wondering how is this going to work when we meet and if we hit it off..are we even going to be able to carry our relationship to the next level when my family is against the age gap..?
    Welcome to Ageless!

    It's funny how people are different. If I was your mom, I'd be more worried about the possibility of him being married and carrying on an online affair than the difference in your ages.

    Honestly, I don't think it's about the age gap. I think your mother would have this issue with any man you were interested in.

    Take things one day at a time with your guy, and your mom. Don't move out just so you can be with him, do it when it's the right time for you financially and career-wise.

    Have an honest talk with your mother and father; if you're living in their home and feel as though you're being treated as a child, ask yourself: are you acting like an adult, or a child? For example: are you staying there with free room and board, doing chores only when you're asked, or are you contributing to the household expenses and doing your share without being nagged? After you think about your situation, make some appropriate suggestions to your parents for increasing your independence. At 23, I would expect different "house rules" than at age 16 or 10.

    My kids are 21 and 23, and in the military. When they're home on leave, they come and go as they want. However, they also buy most of their own food, make an effort to pick up after themselves without me saying anything, show up on time to family functions, and keep me in the loop about where they're going and when they'll be back.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

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