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Thread: Driving me slightly crazy.... :)

  1. #1
    AnnaG is offline Neophyte
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    Question Driving me slightly crazy.... :)

    Hello, Ageless community! I've been lurking around here for a while. I've enjoyed reading these forums, and I've debated about whether or not I should post about my situation. I figure why not, so here goes……

    I met Tom at an outdoor picnic in May. I liked him immediately, and found him interesting and extremely easy to talk to. He was bright, witty, charming, and asked great questions. He both excited me and put me totally at ease.

    We talked for about 10 minutes, then he got pulled away. At the end of the afternoon, he walked up to me and asked me for my phone number.

    I'm 24, and have had four boyfriends in my life, none of them more that 2 years older than me. Usually a guy will suggest that we should "hang out" sometime, tell me to friend them on Facebook, etc. Tom just asked for my number, wrote it down, smiled and said, "Thanks." Then he turned and left.

    After that experience I thought about him a lot… I'll admit I went through some torment that week after giving him my number. When he didn't call, I figured he'd probably forgotten about me. I mentally replayed our entire conversation at the picnic over and over and cursed myself for all the dumb things I said. He probably saw me as a dumb, immature girl, an image I was desperate for him not to see me as.

    Then on the eighth day after the picnic, he called. He asked me how my day was going, and we talked for just a minute. Then he said he'd like to meet me for coffee the following Monday evening. Of course I agreed.

    This was, for me: 1. the longest period of time between initially meeting a guy and him calling, and 2. the LONGEST period of time between a guy calling and the day of the date.

    At this point, I should mention that I don't know how old Tom is, I can only guess that he's probably at least 10 years older than me. Which is where so much of my confusion lies. Tom is so completely different from any guy I've ever dated (or even known), that I feel like I'm in a different universe with him sometimes.

    We met & had coffee, and picked up our conversation from the picnic right where we left off.

    We talked for about 45 minutes, then he walked me to my car and said goodnight. Another week went by of waiting for him to call, me replaying everything that we talked about in my mind, hoping he would call again and at times being certain that I'd never hear from him again.

    After four days without hearing from him, I sent him a text. I said I had a great time the other evening, and was looking forward to seeing him again. He replied: "I had a lot of fun, too. I hope you're having a great day. Talk to you soon."

    I spent the next several days analyzing every word of that text… LOL! Fortunately he called me the following Monday (1 week after our date). We chatted for about 20 seconds, then he asked me out to dinner the next Tuesday. Of course I accepted….

    I realize that if I keep writing about this, I'm going to write a 50 page novel, and obsessively analyize every little thing that has happened. So let me give you the jist of what I'm wondering & worrying about……..

    Is it normal for a guy to go for so long between a date & calling you? This guy is a wonderful conversationalist (or should I say "interviewer," since he almost never talks about himself, but seems fascinated by me whenever we're together). But he NEVER calls, EVER, except to ask me out. I've tried texting him, but he always replies with something short & wishes me well.

    I ask because literally every other guy I've known, once we get into "dating" mode, calls/texts/emails constantly. Reading other people's posts on this website, I see that's pretty much par for the course.

    He kisses me good night after every date, and I savor and treasure these kisses. They are truly electrifying, and I feel them with my soul. But he has not made any effort to take it (physically) any further that that one, solitary goodnight kiss at the end of each date. I have tried to get closer to him, but he usually pushes me away gently and tells me he's an old-fashioned guy and we need to get to know each other better.

    Again, all the guys I've ever known or been with, I've been the one pushing them away. Do you think this is an age/maturity thing??

    I worry too that if this doesn't work out, I will be left with many happy memories, but I don't think I could ever go back to dating guys in my age bracket. LOL!

    Maybe just hearing from others who have dated older guys might help me to feel a little less crazy about it all.

    Sorry for the novel…. There is so, so, so much more I could say. But thanks for listening!

  2. #2
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    Hello and welcome!

    I'm 23, and my boyfriend is 42, so don't feel crazy

    I don't think you should worry about how long it took for him to call after you met or anything like that. There are a whole bunch of dating rules out there, and most of them are pretty silly. However, if things aren't progressing as quickly as you'd like, that's something to think about. How many times have you two been out? And have you tried calling him, just to chat?

    Oh and in regards to the texting - I don't know how old he is, but my boyfriend was 39 when we started dating, and he had NO interest in texting, whereas my phone was permanently attached to my fingertips :P A few months after we started dating, he got rid of his cell phone all together. He finally got a cell again this year, and has just started texting. So your guy simply may not be a texter. It's certainly more common in people not in our age bracket.

  3. #3
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    Welcome!

    Sounds to me like he just wants to take things slowly. You've only known the guy for two months.
    thatoneperson likes this.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  4. #4
    Slow Worm's Avatar
    Slow Worm is offline Senior Member
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    The long time gaps can have all sorts of causes.

    He may feel nervous of saying the wrong things (just like you do) and react to this by only contacting you when he is able to sit and think through what he is going to say or write first, which if he has a busy work life may not be often.

    He may be doing it intentionally due to thinking it is good to take things slowly, or it may simply be a feature of his personality, the way he does everything. He may also be from a background where relationships normally did develop at the pace of letters in the post and occasional meetings. (E.g. when my grandmother first took an interest in a boy, she looked forward to going to church each week as that was the only time she got to talk to him).

    As Degauser wrote, constant texting, etc, is not something which always appeals to those of us who did not grow up with mobile telephones. I first got one in my mid 30's and thought of it as an auxiliary to my landline, for occasional use when away from landline telephones. I came to use them more through getting a Blackberry and using it more as a portable computer than as a telephone.

  5. #5
    gorillagirl Guest
    The last guy that did that to me (waiting so long between calls/dates) was dating multiple women looking for "the one."
    We had a lovely in person hang out and we talked a few times on Skype. Many days/up to a few weeks went by without contact.
    He later explained that he was dating at least 6 other women. He did settle on one and appears to be very happy. :-)
    Wondering if you've asked him if he's dating other women? It's likely NOT the reason but it could be. Another reason could just be shyness or some social phobia. How about alcohol? Any chance he's at home boozing between your visits?

  6. #6
    leah625's Avatar
    leah625 is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnnaG View Post
    Is it normal for a guy to go for so long between a date & calling you? This guy is a wonderful conversationalist (or should I say "interviewer," since he almost never talks about himself, but seems fascinated by me whenever we're together). But he NEVER calls, EVER, except to ask me out. I've tried texting him, but he always replies with something short & wishes me well.


    I worry too that if this doesn't work out, I will be left with many happy memories, but I don't think I could ever go back to dating guys in my age bracket.
    don't get too upset or worry about him not calling... i get the feeling it's an OM and modern technology thing ;]
    I have been with my OM for a year and a half officially. he is 45 i am 25. we talk on the phone probably at most 2 times a week. if i don't see him i usually don't talk to him, and for the most part our phone calls are very short.

    i totally get what you mean by it being hard to drop the good memories and it being difficult to go with guys our age again. but hey, might as well make some memories... take the risk. it's so worth it, he drives me insane and we bicker but what a guy he is. i have never been more smittened in my whole life.

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