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Thread: Help...new here..a little distraught...OM/YW

  1. #1
    alexishappy is offline Neophyte
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    Help...new here..a little distraught...OM/YW

    Hi there everyone,

    It has taken me a while to actually work up the guts to actually post. I've been reading a while, but I was...well, I guess too scared to post.

    Guess I just need a little support, because I'm a little stressed out about this new relationship.

    I'm 39, She's 18. We live in a small town...like 15 000 people. I'm a teacher at a high school here. She used to be a student at the school. She has graduated. I was never her teacher, but I knew her when she was here.

    So much stigma is attached to our type of relationship. ABSOLUTELY no one knows about this. We've been together for 2 months now.

    I've dated a girl who was 10 yrs younger before, for 7 yrs...but this is new.

    I'm in love with her. We have so much fun. Makes me feel good about myself. I want to take care of her.

    I'm not some creep. I'm a good guy.

    just afraid everyone will ostracize us....think I'm a perv...

    Guess I just need a little reassurance...maybe from people who've been there ?

  2. #2
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    I would, if it were me in your situ, stay as you are atm and lay low and see how the next months work out with your GF. Technically you aren't doing anything wrong, but I think as you're a teacher there is a possibility you maybe viewed a bit harsher by your peers and general surroundings.

    If all goes well with your gf and you want to plan a long term future with her, maybe you could reconsider your situ like relocating etc?. I know that sounds a bit drastic, but it would solve the problem of the small town, you being a recognised teacher and her an ex student. Just an idea.
    pinkunicorn likes this.

  3. #3
    Air
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    Hi alexishappy,
    try to keep cool, you´re in love, but is she? And what does she want to get out of your relationship? A 18 year old often don´t know for sure what they want to get out of anyting. Have you have any thoghts about what she wanna do after school? Is it possible for her to stay in the town or do she have to move if she wants to go to college? Try to keep a low profile for another couple of month just to se how things between you develop before you make any desicions. If you go serious I think you have to change workingplace, just to be sure you don´t have a lot of gossip around you that make life hard. But first of all, protect your heart, a relationship with someone so young could be hard in the long run.
    SheLikesKitties likes this.
    Navigare necesse est!

  4. #4
    gorillagirl Guest
    Are you a high school teacher? Could be big drama once school starts up again. Gossip, etc...

    I would lay low, not let anyone see you two around town, and then make plans to move away. I understand teaching jobs might be hard to come by.

  5. #5
    Sweetie28's Avatar
    Sweetie28 is offline Mark's girl
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    Teaching jobs are hard to come by, I am trying to get one right now. Um, this girl just barely graduated high school, so I can see why people would find it weird and that it could cost you your job. I would say if she's still interested in a couple years then it wouldn't be so bad, but considering she went to the same school you taught at, man it's just weird and not right somehow...



  6. #6
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    I agree with the idea of not going public for the time being. It's certainly not ideal, but it may be necessary. Lay low and see how the relationship progresses. As others have said, as time goes on, you may want to look into transferring to a new school, where it will be easier to separate your personal and professional life.

    At any rate, you've certainly come to the right place to talk about it You're both consenting adults, and your relationship certainly doesn't make you a perv or a creep.
    Angel likes this.

  7. #7
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Hello, I moved your thread from Relationship support for OW/YM to YW/OM.

    About your situation, I would wait to see what her plans are, she will probably want to go to college or to at least move to a bigger town. Maybe after waiting a few you could marry her, I imagine that would legitimize your relationship and people would have less to gossip about. You are still young, only 39. Good age to start a family.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  8. #8
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    Welcome! I'm glad you found Ageless!

    While age gap relationships can be a little tricky in the beginning, what with gossip and people questioning both of your motives, etc. it is even more so in your situation, given her recent high school graduation and the fact that you teach at the same school from which she graduated.

    Take things slowly and see where your relationship progesses. It's only been two months. If you see this as becoming something serious, and you two really really want to be together, you may want to look at transferring to a different school and moving somewhere where nobody knows you two, or you may want to look at a whole new career altogether.

    Just remember no matter what happens, people are going to talk, and gossip, and possibly try to break you two apart. Stand strong for what you believe in. This is your life, and her life--no one else's opinion of your love life should matter.
    alexishappy likes this.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  9. #9
    thatoneperson's Avatar
    thatoneperson is offline Senior Member
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    Over a year later, I'm still pretty quiet about my relationship with my OM, who used to be my professor in college. Anyone who did some digging could find out that we're dating, but I'm not happy about the idea of his coworkers gossiping about us. Since she attended your high school, you're going to have to be much more vigilant about laying low than I've had to be. And if this does indeed become serious, you might want to look into relocating into a different job. If this is discovered---and I'm sorry to word it this way because you're not not doing anything unethical if we take your story at face value---you're going to have a hard time getting ahead in your career, and the school will probably look for any excuse to get rid of you.

  10. #10
    joesbabygirl's Avatar
    joesbabygirl is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetie28 View Post
    Teaching jobs are hard to come by, I am trying to get one right now. Um, this girl just barely graduated high school, so I can see why people would find it weird and that it could cost you your job. I would say if she's still interested in a couple years then it wouldn't be so bad, but considering she went to the same school you taught at, man it's just weird and not right somehow...

    I think this was a bit harsh. The law says 18 is an adult, doesnt matter if its a day after she turned 18, she is an adult and is able to make mature adult decisions. If you look through the "normal" way one meets their partner, the usual suspects are school, community, work. As we get older, a friends wedding and mutual interests come into play, so the fact that the OP knew her from her school, and his work, I would think would be more common. I was really OK with your comment until you got to the the last part, telling him that its weird and not right . . . even though that may be your personal opinion, I think you shouldve kept that to yourself.
    People generally come here for support, they are usualy already feeling like a stranger in a strange land, and need understanding, not judgement.
    When I first came here, I needed so much support, and I got it, and Im glad. Im now happily married to my YM, as many of us here are.

    To the OP . . . I have found that a lot of couples usualy stay in hiding for about a year. I think its more a I dont want to share you, and not so much a, Im ashamed of you. And dont think that what you have wont work, my uncle was 36, and his 2nd wife was 18 when they started dating. She is now in her mid 40s and he is pushing 70,and Ill tell ya .. she was the best thing that ever happened to him.
    Angel, Azureth, Michelle and 4 others like this.

  11. #11
    leah625's Avatar
    leah625 is offline Neophyte
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    shame on those who think they have a right to speculate others feelings for one another... be happy, i'm sure you know exactly what road to take to get there. people will be people, getting into it like it's their buisness. it's something that wont go away but forget about them... they do it because they are bored with themselves. i almost walked away from my relationship because of everyone else but why should we let them win? i would have walked away from the one guy who makes me feel such bliss. i love this guy and how dare others wish for that to be taken away from me all because of an age difference.
    alexishappy and trolleycar like this.

  12. #12
    joesbabygirl's Avatar
    joesbabygirl is offline Senior Member
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    Im not really sure if the OP is so concerned about the age difference on its own, I think its more a bundled package of, age difference, small town and student teacher. Any time one person is in a position of "power" over another, like a boss/employee student/teacher ect. there is always that possibility that the person in the higher position has used that position to "lure" the other. Im sure in some cases this is the truth, its probably why both relationships are frowned upon. In the case of the boss/employee, if they want to be together, one or both usualy end up leaving the work place to continue the relationship, and obviously in the teacher / student, there is no way that could be acceptable while the student was attending said school. But she doesnt go there anymore, so as far as Im concerned, their relationship is fair game. Of course they still have the small town issue, and Ive never lived in a small town so I have no first hand knowledge, but I hear it can be difficult if your outcasted.
    I think, honestly, Alex, if you are really truly happy, then how wrong can it be ? Niether of you have to share this with anyone, just enjoy each other and the relationship. Technically youre still in the "honeymoon" stage, which is amazing on its own, so dont put added pressure on yourself or her right now, just take it one day at a time and see where it goes.
    pinkunicorn and alexishappy like this.

  13. #13
    gorillagirl Guest
    In California, a teacher can get a private reprimand, public reproval, suspension, or revocation of their credential for having an "inappropriate" relationship with former students.

  14. #14
    joesbabygirl's Avatar
    joesbabygirl is offline Senior Member
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    How is any relationship with a person inappropriate if both people are consenting adults ? Who is the person who gets to decide what is and what isnt acceptable ?

    Im not arguing your point, Its more debatable questions. My theory is that no one person has any right to tell another person what they can and cannot do - aslong as all laws are abided of course.

    Its also why i said in my last post, that if it was a work place relationship, that one or both people would leave that employer.
    trolleycar likes this.

  15. #15
    RadoG60's Avatar
    RadoG60 is offline Senior Member
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    My OM (32 years older than me) and I are in a very tight knit community.
    He has lived here his whole life, and im the new city slicker in this small town.

    We dont have the teacher/student issue to deal with, so I cant say much about that.

    But the small town issue, yes its hard at first. Yes, many people will object it. Im sure being in a small town, everyone knows you somewhat, they will see how she makes you happy. That will change many peoples minds to tolerate, if not accept the relationship. You will always have those who are 100% not for it...but they are probably negative about everything, so who needs them!

    We have been together for 3 years. We still get looks, and comments. But most of them are positive. We are always hand in hand, we get smiles, and thumbs up. Comments about how cute we are...we get very little negative comments. But when we do, we always have a wise comment back for them.

    Enjoy your YW, see where it goes.

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