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Thread: should it end?

  1. #1
    Ana22 is offline Neophyte
    Join Date
    Oct 2014

    should it end?

    I come to you for support because I feel my relationship on the edge and I am not sure what to make of it.

    Let me paint you a picture:
    I am a younger woman in a relationship with a man 15 years older than me. We have been together for 5years. I have moved to his country (not much of sacrifice, i wanted to move) and we have moved in together straight away for practical reasons. For various reasons we do not have have a big social circle, neither together or independently. We have always had a quite dominant/submissive relationship. He is naturally quite dominant and I liked the submissive role. It seeped from a sexual dynamic to all aspects of our relationship and that was fine for a while. I was very inexperienced when we met and gladly accepted his guidance. He offered a lot of support, patience and reassurance to me in the early years. However I am coming into my own personally and professionally and I need more independence and power in our relationship.
    We tried to balance it but I am also lazy and I haven't found a way to take the reins in a way that satisfies him. His criticism, probably justified, has worn me down and I find myself bitter, anxious and stubborn while he runs out of patience and is very often annoyed for the slightest thing.
    I have made the mistake to not be completely honest with him about certain things and his emotional baggage make trust a big issue. We started very committed straight away but for the past 2 years I have been thinking of leaving. We have this constant up and down motion over a few months and no mistake, this weekend is another down.

    I can see all the wonderful things about him that I don't think I will find in anybody else to that degree but some other aspects of his make me think it won't work out in the future. However, I am now 24 and what do I know about anything? I am afraid that leaving him would be the biggest mistake of my life. Or that I would leave him because I don't want to do the work any relationship requires and winding up in the same boat with another partner.

    I am hoping you might help me see our issue in a better light.
    Thank you in advance,


  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    You are only 24, but you are wise enough to know that some aspects of your relationship are going in the wrong direction. You seem to feel that his criticism and short temper are making you feel insecure, and that is what a partner should NEVER cause in another partner, no matter what age. The world is full of circumstances and people that want to drag you down, but good parents, mentors and partner make you feel strong to overcome that. But if your partner is one of those dragging you down, you have to get away.

    Every person has wonderful things that you will miss in the future people you deal with. Nobody will fit every one of your needs 100%, because nobody is perfect, but do not settle for less than what makes you happy most of the time.

    My motto for my relationship is... You know it is love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together. Maybe you need some distance and space to figure out your feelings with less noise. Take a weekend off and use it to be in a state of peace and think.

    Good luck and wisdom
    debralee and christina923 like this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  3. #3
    SummerBob is offline Super Moderator
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Does your partner know your frustration level is to the point where you're ready to leave him? It sounds like he is not making you happy and the two of you have compatibility issues that may be serious. There are just a couple of things you said that I feel need more clarification.

    "His criticism, probably justified, has worn me down". Why is it justified? Are there things you feel you should work on to make the relationship work?

    "I have made the mistake to not be completely honest with him about certain things". What things? Is he in the dark about some things that he's doing wrong or that are wrong between the two of you?

    I agree that if he is dragging you down and making you unhappy more than not, then maybe it is time to end it. However, I believe in openness and honesty. I believe you should be up front with him and tell him everything that's bugging you, including anything he may not be aware of. Let him know what he can do to save the relationship and give him a chance if he is willing to work on it. If not, then be open and transparent about your intent to leave and your reason for doing so.
    Like Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can't believe everything you read on the Internet."

  4. #4
    ultimatelove is offline Neophyte
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    Sep 2016
    Hi Ana, you are 24 and mature enough to understand how a relationship is heading to. And first of all, 15 years age gap is a huge difference and there itself, there will be much differences and it will be difficult to maintain such relationships for long. Now, before it gets too lat, you should realize what you want and how this relationship should go. But, some adjustments will have to done from your side too, the only a relationship will be successful and remain forever.

  5. #5
    marklogan51 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2006

    Hello Anna

    I read your posts and have a few thoughts. First! I don't think fifteen years is a large age gap. However, Reading your story, do not allow your BF to ignore or disrespect you. I believe honesty is best. If he has changed then do not hide from it. Do not be used.


  6. #6
    Slow Worm's Avatar
    Slow Worm is offline Senior Member
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    Jan 2008
    London UK
    Quote Originally Posted by ultimatelove View Post
    first of all, 15 years age gap is a huge difference and there itself, there will be much differences and it will be difficult to maintain such relationships for long.
    Really? My wife and I have been together for 24 years now with a 13yr age gap.
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  7. #7
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    Nov 2013
    Yorkshire UK
    Quote Originally Posted by ultimatelove View Post
    15 years age gap is a huge difference and there itself, there will be much differences and it will be difficult to maintain such relationships for long.
    Yeah, it's not a big age gap. My husband and I have a 24 year age difference, it's inconsequential and doesn't cause us any difficulties at all.

    This sounds to me like an issue of respect, not age difference. Some people just like to be in control all the time. Possibly also your relationship needs may have changed as you've matured. Being sexually submissive doesn't mean you have to also be submissive in all other areas too, if that doesn't suit you.

    Brutally, I'd say, get out now while it's still reasonably easy. You don't have children, you're not married. If this relationship isn't making you happy, leave it and make your own life and wait for one that does. Good luck!
    degausser and Angel like this.
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  8. #8
    wvdreamer's Avatar
    wvdreamer is offline US Navy Retired
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Baltimore, Maryland

    Lightbulb The end isn't easy to accept

    Speaking from the perspective of an OM, it's no easier. When I met my YW 15 years ago, I thought my dreams of settling down and having a family would finally happen. My military career was winding down, and I was single and alone. The YW and I had a 22 year age gap, but I thought for sure we could make it work. We got married four months after we first met in person (we met through an online dating service).

    Fast forward a good number of years, and add two wonderful children - a son who is much like me and a beautiful daughter - and a series of poor life choices, most of which were made by the YW, the relationship disintegrated. The YW moved on and had a daughter with another man closer in age to her. My mistake was I was caught up in church teachings to face the fact the YW I married wasn't that crazy about me, and wanted out. I tried to save a relationship that may not have been meant to save.

    I hope you are doing well, and if you saw fit to end the relationship, may it have been the right decision.
    Paulsweeter likes this.

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