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Thread: OW & YM questions about having children

  1. #1
    cocodie Guest

    OW & YM questions about having children

    Hello All,

    I am 33 and my boyfriend is 26 (M). We have been dating a year. Although it's a good relationship the thing that bothers me is that M expressed concerns such as me wanting a commitment earlier than he is ready, he doesn't want to waste my youth, and by the time he is ready to have children around 30, I(at 37) may not be able to provide a healthy child or may have complications. I am not sure whether I want a marriage or children at the moment. Previously I've never dreampt of it. But lately I wonder whether if it is what I need. We ended the discussion by saying that it's too early in the relationship to worry about these long term plans.

    Although I know that it's important to not fear so much about what might and might not happen in the future, I can't help feeling a little worried that I may be wasting my time with a younger man. If M really loved me would he still worry about these things?

    I would love to hear how you dealt with fears about marriage and having children due to age gaps.

    Bless you all and thanks for reading. I love reading your thoughts.

  2. #2
    Bella_D Guest
    Hello, I was having a conversation with one my colleagues today about his 26 year marriage (he confirmed that he falls more in love each day!) . They had their beautiful daughter when she was 39, and he 45...and I mean beautiful!!!!! She's now 7, and what a honey she is!

    Don't worry! Your age gap isn't big at all and you're young still!

  3. #3
    fos4snt Guest
    I agree with Bella_D here. My sister is now 38 and just had her first child last August. My bosses wife (an OW, too) was 41 when she had her first child.

    I was 23 and had complications with my first child that had me on bedrest for 6 weeks.

    Age is not a determining factor, although the older you get the more tests they are likely to perform and more closely they will monitor you.

    I would not worry too much at this point. You're the same age as me, and I figure I still have a 7 year window to have another baby, should I choose to do so.

    And yes, worries do not mean you should be second guessing whether or not he loves you. At least he is expressing his concerns. To you, and not someone else. Be thankful you have such open communication.

    As for fears about marriage... Well, I've been burned twice pretty badly. But, I also still hold out hope that I'm worthy of being in a good marriage with a good man. I'm hoping someday that might be Litical. If it's not, I certainly won't feel like I've wasted my time. Being with him now is worth every second of every day. I love him, he loves me, and what the future holds... heh... no one knows. It would be a shame to waste the now, though.

    ~phosphorescent

  4. #4
    BMWgirl Guest
    Cocodie,
    Like the ladies before me said, it's a gamble with children. I too am 33. I have 2 children and both were emergency c-sections. I know that if I were to have another baby I would have to have a c-section. My ym is 24 and in the first week or two of dating, we discusssed our hopes for the future. He did express that he would like to have at least one child. I said that I was open to the idea of having another. For now, that is as far as we need to discuss it. I do know of a neighbor that had her first child at 50. So you never know. Good luck!
    jen

  5. #5
    cocodie Guest

    thank you all

    Than you all so much. Your advice was really great. There are too many social pressures and reminders from people around me that my bio clock is running out. It's hard to forget about them sometimes.

    My bf and I just have to stop exagerating our fears and paranoias.

    I have realized from your messages that love is foremost important and pregnancy is a difficult one to predict. There is always an option to adopt anyway if I ever want children in the future in case I can't. It's probably not the same but I will still be able to provide for a child.

    I guess as someone told me once "this is a world of the brave!"

    thanks again.

  6. #6
    GoldieCat Guest
    Originally posted by MrsHedgeHog
    Heck, the baby issue aside, I get grief from people along the lines of "what are you going to do when the bloom is off your rose and Tim doesn't find you attractive any more?"

    Nice. And such a compliment to the emotional/intellectual depth of the man I love...
    Totally. You know, it's so great to hear to our faces that we have nothing a man would stay for after our bloom is gone (assuming we ever had one in the first place mind you :P). My own mom handed me a version of this once or twice. Thanks for the vote mom!

    ....now back to the thread.

  7. #7
    yellowrose's Avatar
    yellowrose is offline Texas Gal
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    I remember when my Mom first came to visit and met my YM. He was 20 and I was 34/35. I asked her what she thought. She just smiled and said "I think it's great." I was like in shock and said "YOU DO?" She smiled back and said "Yes, it means more grandbabies for me to hold." We were then married a year later and then had my youngest 10 months later.

    M expressed concerns such as me wanting a commitment earlier than he is ready
    So are you sort of pressing for a commitment? Is he not ready to commit yet? I have to say if at 18 months to 2 years he is still not able to commit to you, then IF IT WERE ME, I would sadly move on.

    I hope it all works out for you.

  8. #8
    Powerpuffgirl Guest

    commitment?

    Just wondering what he means by commitment? Being exclusive, not dating anyone else? Or getting married? I think he should be open to marriage at this point with you, talking about it, exploring the possibility. If he is still not able though to commit to you in his heart in love, that is an entirely different matter.






    I have read up on ovulation (due to me having something called PCOS) and yes, your chances do go down after you turn 30, then 35, then significantly after you turn 40.

    That said, my friend Dorthy just had a baby without any drugs...naturally..AFTER having her tubes untied. I get to go see her baby for the first time tomorrow.
    Last edited by Powerpuffgirl; 04-01-2005 at 10:06 PM.

  9. #9
    cocodie Guest

    commitment

    M's fear of commitment is in regards to marriage. We have been exclusive from the beginning. Although I do not expect marriage in the near future I believe his friends and his family members try to tell him to not waste my precious time where I am still young. ... he should decide soon whether he would marry me otherwise let me goe to find a husband.

    I believe his fear is based on timing. He is interested in getting married and having children in the future but he feels he has alot to do before then. Perhaps he feels inexperienced in relationships to know that ours "is the one" although he does say we connect really well where his previous partnerships didn't.
    I am not so worried about whether we would marry in the end but more about whether we can have a love that grows and is genuine since there seems to be inhibitions from both end due to fears about the future.

    I've read some papers on how men like to go through life step at a time. They first graduate from uni, develope their career, build their wealth, get married and then have children. Men do not skip steps even if they meet the woman of their dreams.

    What I wonder about your relationships are, did you have to be more patient with your partners in regards to long term plans due to different stage in life you were in ? (their career wasn't established yet and yours was ) I feel that I should be more understanding as I am older and because I empathize with M. When I was 25 and with a partner, marriage was something I could not see happening until I was in my 30s.

    I also hear from women that they just know that they would end up with their partner. Did you have this kind of "six sense" with your partners?

  10. #10
    Jody<3's Avatar
    Jody<3 is offline Registered member
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    I sure didn't have a sixth sense or anything...I never in a million years would have thought I would end up with J until it started to happen. Even then I thought...Noooooooooo!!! lol

    I am kind of in the same shoes as you. J is 22, and although at one point he would like to get married and have children, he doesn't see it happening until he is close to 30.

    Well, when he is 30, I will be 45, and Im not sure if I would feel comfortable having a child at that age. By the time I am 45 the kids I have now will all be grown and gone....and part of me cannot imagine starting over at that age. GAH! So I have said I am not willing to try to attempt a pregnancy after a certain age.

    After raising my children for a while, he is no longer sure if he wants to have a child of his own (I know, I know, speaks VOLUMES about my children, doesn't it? lol), and well...I have told him that if he does want a child, it's a decision he would need to make in the next couple years.

    Soooo...I guess I didn't have any real advice, but just letting you know your not at all alone.
    What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
    ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

  11. #11
    yellowrose's Avatar
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    Unhappy

    Perhaps he feels inexperienced in relationships to know that ours "is the one" although he does say we connect really well where his previous partnerships didn't.
    I am sorry, but this sure would NOT warm my heart if my guy said that.

  12. #12
    Hot4Ryan Guest

    There is hope =)

    This seems like a timely thread to share some good news from Ryan and myself

    Cocodie, like you, I am 37 years old and (like Powerpuffgirl) I also have PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and have been labeled "infertile" by 3 different specialists... BUT...

    Ryan (18 years) and I have been absent from the boards here for awhile because of all the great things going on with us...

    WE HAVE A GIRL COMING! Alaina Juliette is due on June 6!

    So, yes, the baby thing is a gamble for anyone. Of course I had discussed with Ryan how slim I thought my chances were.. and he had told me he wouldn't be opposed to alternative methods (surrogacy, adoption, etc). Yet we ended up blessed

    I would say it's okay to be "optimistically realistic" about the childbearing issue. There are things to be on top of... for instance... the risk of Down's Syndrome is about 1 in 400 at my age, as opposed to about 1 in 1100 in women age 20-25. So, should you become pregnant, get the serum screening for it early on in order to be able to make important decisions. You might choose to follow up with amniocentesis (which is practically a positive identifier since it's dna-based)... In our case, Ryan and I opted out of amnio... mainly because the risk of miscarriage with an amnio is about 1 in 400 and my risk for miscarriage is already somewhat elevated with the PCOS. Also, I've had 3 ultrasounds, none of which have turned up the physical characteristics of a Down's baby. Women who are slightly older are usually very closely monitored by their obstetricians, so all these sorts of things can be discussed with your healthcare giver.

    So far, so good with my own pregnancy though... it's not been problematic at all.

    And because I know PCOS is becoming increasingly common, I'll mention a couple of things about PCOS & fertility here, should it interest anyone...

    I began working about a year ago with herbs & nutritional supplements, hoping to reverse my infertility; also an extremely low carb diet. I'm convinced that along with diet, that Zinc has probably been the most important supplement to play a role, if any. It seems that Zinc often helps alleviate symptoms of infertility in both men and women. It is not, however, something to start taking without first getting a blood test to determine your "normal" Zinc levels.

    I didn't go this route, but, I've also heard of many PCOS women going on Glucophage (prescription) and becoming pregnant not long afterward.

    To sum up any real advice I might have... I think it would be NOT to stress to much about the child issue... RATHER to be focused (just keep a keen eye out for signs) on whether the marriage commitment will come into play.

    Best of luck in your relationship!

    Pam

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