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Thread: What about children?

  1. #1
    k2626 Guest

    Question What about children?

    My boyfriend is 26. Never had children of his own (which he wants). I have a 19 yr. old and a 16 yr. old. I would love to have a baby with him, but I am scared. I am scared of this whole relatinship. Has anyone done this?

  2. #2
    ornellopederzol Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by k2626
    My boyfriend is 26. Never had children of his own (which he wants). I have a 19 yr. old and a 16 yr. old. I would love to have a baby with him, but I am scared. I am scared of this whole relatinship. Has anyone done this?
    How old are you? Over 40?

  3. #3
    Sdoah1972's Avatar
    Sdoah1972 is offline Freckle Face
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    I haven't had a child in a OW/YM relationship, but I have two from my only marriage, which is now history. No matter your age do not be fearful of having a child. Go see your gynecologist, have a physical exam and discuss your options, your fertility and your chances of having a healthy child. We all know that after the age of forty our eggs are not as healthy as they once were, so the risk of complications is higher. It is certainly not impossible and if you want a child then you should puruse that, but make sure that is what you want and that your future child has the best chance at a full and healthy life. All in all, if the doctor gives you the go ahead, I say go for it.

  4. #4
    Magnetar's Avatar
    Magnetar is offline J.S.
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    well....

    if your relationship is strong, perhaps you would like to read this just for fun

    http://www.robynsnest.com/pregover35.htm

    and

    www.mothersover40.com
    Will It Matter?

  5. #5
    deb100855 Guest
    From my perspective this is the biggest hurdle to overcome in a OW/YM relationship. I'm not going to be giving birth again. I know that. Even if I can. My guy wants kids. Alternatives - with the exception of adopting a child that is hard to place - are expensive. I'm not fooling myself into thinking he'll give up parenthood to stay with me, but i just keep thinking about couples who committ to each other with every intention of having children only to find out they can't. While they have higher rates of divorce, many stay together enjoying themselves and their love for each other. Why can't it be that way in an OW/YM relationship? YOu don't stop loving someone because they can't have kids.

  6. #6
    Rob Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by deb100855
    I'm not fooling myself into thinking he'll give up parenthood to stay with me, but i just keep thinking about couples who committ to each other with every intention of having children only to find out they can't. While they have higher rates of divorce, many stay together enjoying themselves and their love for each other. Why can't it be that way in an OW/YM relationship? YOu don't stop loving someone because they can't have kids.
    I know, I've thought the same thing myself.

    Also... wouldn't it be ridiculous if a ym broke up with an ow over that, only to find out that he couldn't have kids anyway.

  7. #7
    Desert Spring is offline Senior Member
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    In the end, the only reason to have a child is because you want another one, too. It can't be all about him. That *is* scary. Look at having another child if you feel the experience would be rewarding even if you did end up having to raise it yourself. If that's not the case, then he needs to have a hard look at whether he wants you in his life more than he wants to be a parent and you need to encourage him to listen to his heart whether it brings him towards you or away from you.

    It is hard, but these are the choices people have to make. Good luck!

  8. #8
    ruthie Guest
    Children: I think this is the biggest drawback of this kind of age gap. I'm 50, when I thought the person I'm seeing now was about 30, I finally decided I could live with that - then he told me how old he actually was: 25. I had a hard time adjusting to that in my head; those extra 5 years really put me over the top. On the one hand, he tells me I'm everything he's been looking for, he wants a life with me, wants to come home, sit and talk about our days, go to sleep together and wake-up in the morning together. The other night I blirted out: "I can't have babies," and he said he couldn't even think about babies. Clearly, he's not thinking this through.

    I have a 12 year old daughter who is my most favorite person in the world. I can't imagine sacrificing the experience of having a child. Just thinking about it makes me feel some kind of pain he's not even aware exists. Maybe that's just me; who knows.

    My cosmic rationale has been this: What if we make it 10 years, or 15 - he'll still be young, he can still have the family he doesn't think he wants right now. (I'm talking in terms of years when we have a few months of separation to get through, never mind a year or more.)

    My last relationship was with a man who was 9 years younger than me. When we met I was 45 and was willing to try to have another child. I participated in message boards on websites for older women having babies, trying to get pregnant. This man and I tried but I never got pregnant. He really seemed like he wanted a child but I was the one who spoke to my doctors, went for tests to see if I was in menopause. (I wasn't.) He said a number of times he should have himself checked out but never went. I decided after a while he didn't really want a child; I never felt like there was any team effort to get pregnant.

    Yeah. This is a hard one. The other thing I think about it starting over saving for college and the dance lessons or whatever...I'm watching my retirement and pension funds grow and hoping there will be enough.

    By the way, my father was almost 18 years older than my mother. She had me when she was 35; he was 52 - it's just different the other way around.
    Last edited by ruthie; 05-30-2005 at 09:34 PM.

  9. #9
    Bella_D Guest
    Ruthie,
    Some of us truly do not want children of our own. I knew this when I was 20, when I was 25; and now that I am 35 I feel the same. I know that must be hard to understand for some people, but its how I feel now and how I've always felt.

    For those people who fear that NOT having children will be a huge stressor on your relationship......having children is actually a much greater stressor, and is more likely to result in the demise of your relationship. SO breath easy.

  10. #10
    indianguy Guest

    Angry Kids thought changing as I am getting older

    I am in OW/YM relationship for 4 years. She 50, me 37. Initially, I thought having children is not important but as I am getting older, I feel I am missing out something. She can't have children anymore, went through medical tests and I can. Adoption too complicated.

    She has 12 year old son from previous marriage with whom I don't get along at all. He somehow thinks that I am keeping his mom from getting together with his dad again. So I don't see becoming dad 'by proxy' with him.

    This is my second OW/YM relationship, previous one She 50, me 32 when we broke up after 3 years of relationship. I don't see myself getting in to relationship with YW. My current relationship is shaky because of me wanting children and she wanting 'marriage' now.

    Any suggestions?

  11. #11
    ruthie Guest
    For Bella,

    Yeah. I know some people don't want children but as Indianguy stated, a person can change their mind. My YM is too unsettled in life to think about children right now so I don't think he is considering kids. Let's presume most people will want children at some point; I said "most" because I believe that is the truth. I had my daughter when I was 38 after wanting and not wanting...you get my point.

  12. #12
    OHLis Guest
    This topic is a daily stress for me as well. I have 4 kids...the oldest leaving for college in 3 months. I never thought I would ever want another, nor even consider such a thing. I was so DONE having kids after my youngest was born, I cant even express how thrilled I was to know I would never be pregnant again. Well...that was when I was married to my kids' father and I assumed we would be together forever.

    Things change, people change their minds. I have been very happily involved with a 23 yr old for the last two yrs and he has no children. He wants at least one. I agreed to one baby...IF everything was in place....ie..we were married.....we could financially afford it, and I was no older than 38... Well its been two years since I said that and today I turned 36. Things arent in place yet. We cant get married, even though we want to, due to financial issues with my ex (I collect alimony that is vital to the support of my children, without it, I would be sunk $$ wise, if we marry, or even legally live together, I lose every penny of it) YM is simply not making enough to make up the difference and by the time he does (he is very motivated, is working very hard and moving up but it is a slow process) it very well may be too late.

    He understands it may never happen and says he would rather have me and no baby than not have me at all....but of course I worry that the time will come when his desire for a child will outweigh his desire to be with me...if it ends up that we cant have any. I dunno....this is a huge issue for an AGR and there really is no clear cut answer on how to deal with it, you just take it day by day I guess.

  13. #13
    marcy Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by indianguy
    I am in OW/YM relationship for 4 years. She 50, me 37. Initially, I thought having children is not important but as I am getting older, I feel I am missing out something. She can't have children anymore, went through medical tests and I can. Adoption too complicated.

    She has 12 year old son from previous marriage with whom I don't get along at all. He somehow thinks that I am keeping his mom from getting together with his dad again. So I don't see becoming dad 'by proxy' with him.

    This is my second OW/YM relationship, previous one She 50, me 32 when we broke up after 3 years of relationship. I don't see myself getting in to relationship with YW. My current relationship is shaky because of me wanting children and she wanting 'marriage' now.

    Any suggestions?

    Would you leave a woman, whom you loved, that was your own age or younger, who found out she was unable to reproduce? This is the question...

  14. #14
    Bella_D Guest
    Hi Ruthie,

    Yes, I do see your point, absolutely....its scarey thinking about what your partner may want in the future, whether it be children you cannot bear, a younger mate etc..... The usual fears many of us experience.

    I guess I try to focus on the positives because there are so many when you think about it. Remaining in a state of mind which is fearful about the future seems so depressing and draining.

    I feel that if you have the love of a good partner who wants to share your life with you...well its your lives to create, so take charge and create a life which brings you both joy. There are any number of ways to live a happy life together nowadays. Having children is one, and I can see how much joy that option would bring for some couples. For others, it creates an unbearable strain and creates great unhappiness, and even divorce.

    There are many other ways to give selflessly to others and create lifelong close bonding & love, not just through children. Its just a matter of being a bit creative and optomistic......like really identifying your needs and desires and finding new ways to fullfill these things as a couple.

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