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Thread: 46 years old and can't get pregnant!

  1. #1
    legallyblonde Guest

    46 years old and can't get pregnant!

    Of course, I guess that is the most awful thing about being my age and having no children...I probably will never be able to! And adoption is out as it's way too expensive and almost impossible to do legally if you are my age and unmarried. Is anyone else on Ageless with me on this one? Or am I alone? I've never had children. In fact, I spent the first 20 years of my sex life trying to make sure I did NOT get pregnant. Horribly ironic that my sense of innate responsibility hurt my chances at doing one thing I wanted to do. And tonight my mom tells me that my 38 year old unmarried cousin is expecting and her mother, and mine, are both up in arms about it...because she's in a program to be a physicians assistant, and the woman is expecting her mom to babysit. Sigh. I'm so jealous I'm positively green eyed. Okay, so I know it's MY life, and I should have taken firmer action sooner...
    Just venting but would love to hear from anyone who is dealing with the same feelings.
    Ali

  2. #2
    Sdoah1972's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by legallyblonde
    Of course, I guess that is the most awful thing about being my age and having no children...I probably will never be able to! And adoption is out as it's way too expensive and almost impossible to do legally if you are my age and unmarried. Is anyone else on Ageless with me on this one? Or am I alone? I've never had children. In fact, I spent the first 20 years of my sex life trying to make sure I did NOT get pregnant. Horribly ironic that my sense of innate responsibility hurt my chances at doing one thing I wanted to do. And tonight my mom tells me that my 38 year old unmarried cousin is expecting and her mother, and mine, are both up in arms about it...because she's in a program to be a physicians assistant, and the woman is expecting her mom to babysit. Sigh. I'm so jealous I'm positively green eyed. Okay, so I know it's MY life, and I should have taken firmer action sooner...
    Just venting but would love to hear from anyone who is dealing with the same feelings.
    Ali

    Aww LB. I feel empathy for you. I can definitely imagine the pain you're going through, but don't give up. Have you seen a specialist yet?? There are amazing things they can do now days. Have you ever considered foster children and then adopting them? I have a friend who wasn't able to have children and she did just that. Children are a blessing and my prayers are with you.

  3. #3
    Magnetar's Avatar
    Magnetar is offline J.S.
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    I know I am not a woman but I was sad that my ex gf who I broke up with 3 years ago could not get pregnant. She was 44 at the time.
    Will It Matter?

  4. #4
    kat7's Avatar
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    LB,

    This is probably not what you want to hear at all, because I totally understand the burning desire to have children. But I'm just going to throw this out... if you REALLY, REALLY wanted to have a kid without a partner, don't you think you might have done it by now? Maybe what you're feeling right now is just the regret of never having done it. Having a child with a loving partner is a challenge in and of itself; doing it alone is admirable, but only sensible if one is financially solvent enough to hire full time help, esp. when we're older. I don't know your situation

    There is a reason your aunt is pissed off about the prospect of babysitting...it's a LOT of work! I took care of my granddaughter when she was a baby two days a week while continuing to work full time, and it almost killed me.

    I have a male friend who is 34 married to an OW who is 44. They have 2 boys who are 5 and 7, and his wife just had a miscarriage. He said, "She can barely handle the boys; I don't know why she wants to have another one!" He said there were so many considerations, including the fact that she will be in her sixties by the time the kid would graduate from high school. Kids hate having older parents.

    All I can tell you is that at 54, having gone through menopause, there is NO WAY I could handle having a little kid around. Just having my 6 year old granddaughter for the weekend wears me out. I'm just offering you a reality check here.

  5. #5
    rdhdnrs Guest
    katmeup,
    You echoed many of my thoughts.
    I'd like to give the medical perspective here, being a labor and delivery nurse. At 46, the pregnancy would be considered high-risk, not only because of your age but because "older" pregnant women have much more risk of problems. Almost every woman over 40 that I've ever taken care of has had preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, or some other complication. Also, you have a much higher risk of having a child with chromosomal abnormalities such as Down Syndrome.
    If you are having trouble getting pregnant and choose infertility treatment, you run the risk of having a multiple gestation pregnancy, which is fraught with a myriad of problems just in itself. That is, if you can find a reproductive specialist who will treat a woman without a partner.
    I really don't want to be a wet blanket, and yes, babies are precious and all that, but I just wanted to offer another view of the whole thing.
    Good luck to you.

  6. #6
    Softsong's Avatar
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    Ironically, the more anxious you are to become pregnant, young or older, the less likely it is to happen. In my last childbirth class was a couple who tried hard for many years and finally adopted. Then poof.....she got pregnant.

    So if you really want a baby, the best way is to forget about it, use nothing and it may happen.

    However, like many of the other ladies have pointed out.....it is hard being a Mom and the older you are, the less energy for it. My kids are grown and I live with grandkids and they also wear me out.

    I got pregnant at 49 by accident, in my last year of college and was pretty upset about it. But I decided to love it and even if my chances to finally have my dream career now that my kids had grown was dashed...just make the best of it. But I lost the baby in the third month. Not enough hormones to maintain a pregnancy.

    Also must say that as I had each of my babies when younger, when they began to be kids....the desire for a baby took hold again. I found it is a biological desire that is never satisfied. Like being thirsty. You drink and then you are thirsty again.

    And while I love my kids more than anything and can never picture life without them, I believe it is possible to be perfectly happy without them. We have them really so we can selflessly bring someone up, but many have them to validate themselves or live through. And I think as a couple, you remain closer without kids. The tedium and effort required give a mutual purpose but relationships can get lost in the process.

  7. #7
    Tinkabell Guest
    Oh .......*thud*

    Dont even GO there Girl.....

    I Sure Can TELL you how frustrating it all is......

    Oh, Um, well, I don't HAVE to tell you,....do I, because you already know....

    Yeah.......I really don't know anymore, Im about 10 years younger than you.....But so, what.......there doesn't even appear to be a Glimmer of me even meeting anyone right now.......Let alone the thort of 'Childs'......

    Everyone else seems to have one......but Yes, dont all think thats why I want one either.....Perhaps I should do as I think SoftSong says.....and forget about even wanting one......But I thort I DID do that.....well, I Have kind of......but how can you really 'forget'.....when there are babys everywhere you look.....

    Yeah, Leagues......I could have had plenty of Chances in the past.......But I was never ready.......and now that I kind of feel ready.......no chances to be found....

    Isn't that the irony of life.....

    My Girlfriend just went ahead and DID it by herself.......same age as me.....and boy, she is a VERY beautiful looking Girl.....but, yeah, just couldn't meet anyone......so, she just did it.....and her son is the cutest thing......Never see her anymore, cos all she does is look after the baby.....but I gues thats what happens

    I dont really want to do it alone.......but then, I may have to......Oh..., I can go and join the "Single Mothers....List"... (theres a list for you!!!)...Or something, because I just cant get it together......or is it the guys that I meet that just cant get it together.......Or....is it......Both!!!

    I just have this 'Thing' in my head.......that women are 'supposed' to have a child......and if we don't.......then something bad happens to us......I don't know what that bad thing is......But at this rate, I shall probably end up finding out......


    ......................................THUD........ ....................!!!!!

  8. #8
    ruthie Guest
    I was in a relationship with a younger man when I was your age. We tried to get pregnant and never did. The first step for you is to get a blood test at your GP's office just to see if you are beginning menopause. I did that - and I wasn't begnning yet. I started charting my temperature; I bought ovulation testers. There are other factors that make pregnancy difficult however that is a first step.

    In the end, for this man and me, I believe he only gave the wish to have a child lip-service since he tended to mentioned it when we were in bed, like: "Oh, baby baby, maybe this time we'll make a baby..." Yeah. Yeah. He was going to have his own fertility testing but never did; that tells you how serious he was.

    At the time, I went to a message board that I just tried to find for you but couldn't - it was for women trying to get pregnant over 40. That was actually the title of the site but I may have the wrong order of the words. There were many success stories there.

    I knew of a couple who tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't. They adopted a bi-racial infant and had her in a minute as opposed to the waiting and costs of trying to find a baby of their ethnicity. There are so many babies out there, some places look the other way when considering the parents' profiles since they know alternate families can be just as loving. Of course, if you had the money you could adopt a baby girl from China, there are foreign adoption services that are the last hope for older couples, singles, and gay couples who just can't adopt through American agencies.

    By the way, as soon as that couple brought that baby girl home - they got pregnant. I've heard that story countless times. Once the pressure is off to conceive; you get pregnant. There is something about that - however these are couples anxious to get pregnant together.

    I had my daughter at 38 and I'm so glad I did. I feel for you. My ob/gyn told me I could consider infetro fertilization untill I was 50 (I'm almost 51 now) - that was when the ex bf weren't getting pregnant. They won't do it after 50 - perhaps you have more time.

    I think that the other comments about taking care of a child are valid points however if you want to have a child so much, you understand there is work. You dress-up for it. The rewards are great. I don't believe in women having a child and presuming their mothers are going to take care of it, though. As a teacher in an inner city school, I've seen a good deal of my former students do this time and time again. Once during the period of time I was trying to get pregnant at 46-47, one of my former students got pregnant her first year of high school and was out there on the sidewalk making out with a new bf. I walked up to them and just asked her where her baby was. She told me her mother takes care of it. I asked her if her mother wanted another baby (I couldn't help it). She just squinted her eyes at me. Like you, I was so enraged that I was a mature person with a decent job with benefits, a house, who couldn't conceive and here is this 14 year old that brought a new human being into the world because she was careless. When I see this, I still go balistic in my head but I've done better about controlling the out and out confrontations.

    I wish you good luck, anyway.

  9. #9
    Preferolder1977 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by legallyblonde
    Of course, I guess that is the most awful thing about being my age and having no children...I probably will never be able to! And adoption is out as it's way too expensive and almost impossible to do legally if you are my age and unmarried. Is anyone else on Ageless with me on this one? Or am I alone? I've never had children. In fact, I spent the first 20 years of my sex life trying to make sure I did NOT get pregnant. Horribly ironic that my sense of innate responsibility hurt my chances at doing one thing I wanted to do. And tonight my mom tells me that my 38 year old unmarried cousin is expecting and her mother, and mine, are both up in arms about it...because she's in a program to be a physicians assistant, and the woman is expecting her mom to babysit. Sigh. I'm so jealous I'm positively green eyed. Okay, so I know it's MY life, and I should have taken firmer action sooner...
    Just venting but would love to hear from anyone who is dealing with the same feelings.
    Ali
    LOL, I do believe we've encountered the opposite concern from a certain post I made a while back.

  10. #10
    whiterose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by legallyblonde
    Of course, I guess that is the most awful thing about being my age and having no children...I probably will never be able to! And adoption is out as it's way too expensive and almost impossible to do legally if you are my age and unmarried. Is anyone else on Ageless with me on this one? Or am I alone? I've never had children. In fact, I spent the first 20 years of my sex life trying to make sure I did NOT get pregnant. Horribly ironic that my sense of innate responsibility hurt my chances at doing one thing I wanted to do. And tonight my mom tells me that my 38 year old unmarried cousin is expecting and her mother, and mine, are both up in arms about it...because she's in a program to be a physicians assistant, and the woman is expecting her mom to babysit. Sigh. I'm so jealous I'm positively green eyed. Okay, so I know it's MY life, and I should have taken firmer action sooner...
    Just venting but would love to hear from anyone who is dealing with the same feelings.
    Ali
    I don't really have that kind of experience, but wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this.

  11. #11
    legallyblonde Guest

    Well..

    Everyone has expressed their experiences and concerns with the advanced age pregnancies and I thank you. I had some really awesome people at the fertility clinic in Richmond who were going to help me, but I didn't follow through with it because I broke up with my bf. I went to one clinic where they told me they had some women who would check their fertility and then go out to clubs to pick up a guy to get laid, and he would be the babies father. Now, mind you, this is coming from a geneticist! And she said she had patients all the time who took this route to get pregnant. I don't know about you guys, but I'm WAY TOO SHY, or frightened or whatever, to just pick up a stranger and sleep with him. Maybe I read Looking For Mr. Goodbar too many times as a teenager, I dunno.

    Kat, I want to answer you specially about your comment that if I really wanted to do it I would have already. Not necessarily. And lack of a suitable partner to take an active part in my babies life has been the reason. In the last ten years I've dated several men, but most of them have been short term, a year or less. I don't know what it is exactly, but the women I lived with in Richmond all had pretty much the same experiences with guys as me, so I don't particularly blame myself. And many of them were already divorced and had children and that was a sticking point because they didn't want to have any more.

    Tinks, well girl you are younger than me and probably not yet perimenopausal, but I feel ya! The whole, do you have a partner thingie has totally BEWITCHED me with my dream of mommydom.

    And I guess there are two ways to see adoption: foreign adoption is a way to go but I feel there are so many things to stop it. Did you know that Angelina Jolie had problems with people making allegations that Maddox was stolen from his family? I can't imagine such a thing, but it does happen. Also the small children adopted from orphanages around the world almost always suffer from attachment disorder. And pwhaa! What a thing to subject a child to...constant psychiatric care because he was adopted. It's offputting. As a matter of fact, there are so many vultures out there that many people invest thousands of dollars only to find they can't get a baby, or they have to change agencies because it's not the agencies that direct foreign adoption, it's the individual government!

    It's a sore point for me, and I've had dates where a guy makes a comment like: "Oh I like the fact that you obviously don't want children." And at that point, it's happened two times in memory, I'm either ready to cry or slap him. And of course this is typically a first/last date. Why are people such ******** about childlessness? I guess they must not realize that it's not always a choice, but sometimes a circumstance that we don't have children!

  12. #12
    greeneyedgirl's Avatar
    greeneyedgirl is offline Senior Member
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    Foster Parenting.

    and you can do it single. and you can adopt thru it. and the state pays for it.

    example: my 2nd son

    now granted, we got him because he's my 2nd cousin and i called family and children services the day after he was born. but this is a very 'do-able' avenue the social workers told us. many people take this avenue. and the state gives monthly foster care money to help take care of the child. now John is adhd, he's 4 now and because of the adhd he'll get adoption assistance payments til he's 18 and he keeps his government insurance til the same age. miss'ippi may be different from other states, i dunno.
    but i have my baby boy.

    i've had 3 other foster children. i made a difference in their life. i don't foster anymore because i can't do it alone.

    but i have my baby boy.

    dunno if you could do this, but it's definately an option. just have to take classes. not many and they aren't long.

    children are great. better than cable tv. cept for when they make ya wanna drink hard liquor.

    wishing you well gal

    Trace
    ~Stupid people shouldn't breathe~

    ~Denial is the first step toward recovery~

    ~It will feel better once it stops hurting~


  13. #13
    irparis Guest
    I hear ya LB...

    My time for having children will be over soon as a hysterectomy is going to derail those dreams. I've always wanted children, but never meet a guy I wanted to sleep with let alone have his child even by accident. After the first fibroid tumors and I broke up with my fiance, I went into my own cave and didn't come out for a a couple of years.

    aFter that I just never meet anyone and I thought I would adopt really. I had plenty of nieces and nephews to goo over but as I get older now, I'm really ok with no children. Its finding a guy who doesn't, now there's a problem.

    Although I still dream of those cutesy angelic face sweeties, I recognize the fact that I'm older and too tired to run around for them.

    As for adoption, you would have to make it soon, the older you are the more of a challenge it is to adopt. my g/f try adopting and although she was 35 when she put in the request, her husband who is about 11 years older was denied because of his age.

    In my family alot of women have children older, good grief, my grandmother had my mother at 51 in 1937, the last of 12 kids, none of which was born with any abnormalities and in Puerto Rico, although a thriving metropolis today, it was not so for medicine in 1937. So it can be done if you're in good health and eat well. Any pregnancy is a risk really. I have a friend who had a child at 32 and it was born with a mild form of Down's, so its not just the over 40 moms who are at risk.

    Do whatever is right for you? Weigh out your pros and cons. When it came time for me to accept the fact that i will not be able to have children, there was alot of crying and alot of regret, but I got tired of that and just place it in God's hand and he has directed me ever since. Now whenever any one IM me and the talk turns to children, I immediately tell them I can't have any...its becoming easier and easier to say it and be calm about it. I may not be able to show what a great mom I can be, but I can sure knock them dead at what a great friend/g/f/human being I am and hopefully some day, exceptional wife.

    Paris

  14. #14
    Sdoah1972's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greeneyedgirl
    Foster Parenting.

    and you can do it single. and you can adopt thru it. and the state pays for it.

    example: my 2nd son

    now granted, we got him because he's my 2nd cousin and i called family and children services the day after he was born. but this is a very 'do-able' avenue the social workers told us. many people take this avenue. and the state gives monthly foster care money to help take care of the child. now John is adhd, he's 4 now and because of the adhd he'll get adoption assistance payments til he's 18 and he keeps his government insurance til the same age. miss'ippi may be different from other states, i dunno.
    but i have my baby boy.

    i've had 3 other foster children. i made a difference in their life. i don't foster anymore because i can't do it alone.

    but i have my baby boy.

    dunno if you could do this, but it's definately an option. just have to take classes. not many and they aren't long.

    children are great. better than cable tv. cept for when they make ya wanna drink hard liquor.

    wishing you well gal

    Trace

    Trace is right. I live in Virginia and in order for my divorce to go through we had to go to the parenting class. Not only was there divorcing couples there, but a couple who was going to foster a child with the intentions of eventually adopting. The class is way simple and very helpful. I'm glad the state makes it a mandate. The class only lasted three hours and cost $40. Not that big of a deal.

    Here is the link to the Virginia Department of Social Services.

    http://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/fc/parenting.html

  15. #15
    irparis Guest
    I'd much rather have a child go through some adjustment problems than have them live in a orphanage with no love and no attention and abuse for their entire childhood
    I agree with you Amina...of cause they're going to have some period of adjustment, they've been bloody abandon, they have not skills to cope like adults do and even adults go through their own adjustment period after a breakup or any other major issue and can't cope. Thats what counseling is there for.

    I have a g/f of some 20+ years who adopted a newborn black child 4 years ago. Ok she's looking to adopt again possibly but an older child and doesn't want one from an ophanage because of the same stupid assumtions...he would not be her idea of a perfect child. And who the hell is perfect, its all a matter on how you were raised and what kind of environment you were raised in and even then it matters not at times since once that child is an adult it does what it wants. As a parent all you can do is lay a good foundation.

    If you really want a child badly enough, you will adopt a child any child. There are plenty to go around. Just surf the internet on adoption agencies and you will see pics of thousands of children in this country who need to be adopted, I see no reason to have to go to another country and adopt their children. I have never understood this mentality of "its one thing when God sends me a special needs child but if I have to adopt it has to be a perfectly healthy child syndrome". That is so not charitable.

    Paris

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