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Thread: what to say if she says she's old?

  1. #1
    delboyV Guest

    what to say if she says she's old?

    My girlfirend is 19yrs older than me. She sometimes mentions she's old or even feel sorry about her age. I said her some things to cheer her up and not worry about it ( because I don't care and it's even an advantage that she's older - somehow young girls seem to be less attractive to me ), but she still keeps saying that.

    Any ideas what can I say when she will mention her age as a problem again?

    Adam

  2. #2
    Patricia Guest
    Hi, welcome to Ageless!

    Why don't you tell your girlfriend to come here to Ageless? Then, she can see that there are many very cool people in Age Gap relationships and she can ask questions about her concerns.

    She is lucky to have you as a boyfriend. You have a great attitude.

    Good luck!

  3. #3
    ruthie Guest

    She might not be saying it to you

    She's saying it to herself because she's trying to understand this herself.

    Been there, done that, and still do it - although I try not to...

  4. #4
    Sdoah1972's Avatar
    Sdoah1972 is offline Freckle Face
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    The other day I mentioned to my YM that I wish I were younger for his sake (13 year age gap). He said, "I don't. Because we would have never met and if we had then I would have had to take a number." I thought it was pretty darn sweet.

  5. #5
    HeatherLynn Guest
    Very sweet thing to say, in fact the day my boyfriend says something like that I will feel pretty convinced this age thing is no biggy.

    Nothing against him but he has yet to say something like that.

  6. #6
    Rand Ryan Guest
    be realistically simple *nods* you don't have to make it gushy and flowery. say, "I know. But that doesn't alter the fact that I love you."

    Assuming that you love your partner.
    Last edited by Rand Ryan; 07-31-2005 at 01:05 AM.

  7. #7
    Charlotte's Avatar
    Charlotte is offline Every day is a new one.
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    Quote Originally Posted by delboyV
    My girlfirend is 19yrs older than me. She sometimes mentions she's old or even feel sorry about her age. I said her some things to cheer her up and not worry about it ( because I don't care and it's even an advantage that she's older - somehow young girls seem to be less attractive to me ), but she still keeps saying that.

    Any ideas what can I say when she will mention her age as a problem again?

    Adam
    I once said to my boyfriend while standing in the warm sun of spring and looking into each other's eyes on the shore of a lake (you don't forget these moments ), "I'm glad you don't mind that I'm so old."

    And he replied, "I'm glad you don't mind that I'm so young. " He held me at arm's length and looked me right in the eye and said, "I will never change my mind about being together with you, " and he kissed me.

    Maybe next time your girlfriend apologizes for being so old you can tell her you're glad that she accepts you even though you're younger and that you are glad to be together with her.

  8. #8
    jeffy-weffy Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by delboyV
    My girlfirend is 19yrs older than me. She sometimes mentions she's old or even feel sorry about her age. I said her some things to cheer her up and not worry about it ( because I don't care and it's even an advantage that she's older - somehow young girls seem to be less attractive to me ), but she still keeps saying that.

    Any ideas what can I say when she will mention her age as a problem again?

    Adam

    Well what I do with my gf is give her lots of hugs and tickle her. And probably do something goofy like making her stuffed animals talk. Than afterwards say to her: If I was worried about your age, then why would I do this. After that start seducing her. I think she'll appreciate it

  9. #9
    gijoe Guest
    It could be the sign of a problem or it might not. But thoughts like that could be felt, suppressed and not expressed.

    If you have a good relationship (I'll assume you do) then be happy that your partner is comunicating and giving you the chance to reassure her.

    From my experience the o/w wimen I have been involved in have a lot more difficulty with the age than I do. This forum may suggest the same thing. (I blame imperial conditioning)

  10. #10
    Kristin's Avatar
    Kristin is offline Senior Member
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    Did you pursue her? If so, just say with a chuckle, "If that bothered me, why the heck would I have worked so hard to get you?? I'm worried you might want to trade me in for a younger guy some day!!"

    Jeremy said that to me and it made me feel a lot better!

    And just keep reassuring her that she is the most beautiful and sexy woman you know (you have to actually feel this way). Women of all ages can be very insecure of their looks and we appreciate all of the reassurance we can get!

  11. #11
    Phillippides Guest
    My girlfriend constantly says that too, but I keep reminding her that she is young at heart, and that's what matters.

  12. #12
    Buffeaut Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by delboyV
    My girlfirend is 19yrs older than me. She sometimes mentions she's old or even feel sorry about her age. I said her some things to cheer her up and not worry about it ( because I don't care and it's even an advantage that she's older - somehow young girls seem to be less attractive to me ), but she still keeps saying that.

    Any ideas what can I say when she will mention her age as a problem again?

    Adam
    Welcome to ageless, Adam! My girlfriend is 19 years older than I am as well. She too mentions feeling old or the subject of her age at times.

    My tact it to just be honest with her about my feelings. I remind her of how sexy her psychological and emotional maturity are. I remind her how I love her practicality, common sense and reasonable approach. I reming her how the lack of aforesaid traits in the women my age I have dated was a source of consternation for me.

    Once I have reminded her of these things, I remind her of how young she looks, and how sweet she is.

    A final thing is those situations where we meet elderly folks in public, and they say things reflecting how young they think we are, such as "you kids don't remember when"....If She does in fact remember, we acquire another situation that we remember fondly!

  13. #13
    Dan Echo Guest
    My lady is eighteen years older than I. She has the occasional worry about the age. I think some of it is a concern that the attraction to an older lady must be a novelty. It isn't, and there are no silver bullets to make her never worry about it. I can say that nearly two years of a deepening relationship and a lot of love showered upon her have gone further in easing her mind than any single statement could have. I guess that you need her to know that you love her for who she is, not what she is.

    I do agree that it's an advantage that your lady is older. Ladies outlive gents by a good six to twelve years, so the practical age difference is not as much as you think. Plus, older ladies have a lot more going for them than their younger counterparts. Keep in mind that I did not set out to date an older lady; I just happened to fall in love with a very wonderful lady who just happened to be older. It wasn't her age that attracted me, but who she is as a person. In seeing her, however, I definitely must say that I really appreciate her age. Also, her age is a part of who she is. Were she younger, she would be a different person. We were all different people when we were younger. And if it's who she is that your in love with, than the age is a special part of that.

    Dan Echo

  14. #14
    thoughtcriminal Guest

    great one

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlotte View Post
    I once said to my boyfriend while standing in the warm sun of spring and looking into each other's eyes on the shore of a lake (you don't forget these moments ), "I'm glad you don't mind that I'm so old."

    And he replied, "I'm glad you don't mind that I'm so young. " He held me at arm's length and looked me right in the eye and said, "I will never change my mind about being together with you, " and he kissed me.

    Maybe next time your girlfriend apologizes for being so old you can tell her you're glad that she accepts you even though you're younger and that you are glad to be together with her.
    OMG ~ this is the PERFECT response....I think I would have melted into his arms instantly!

  15. #15
    ROSEBUD Guest

    More to it than meets the eye...

    I feel this is a great topic for discussion on an OW/YM age-gap forum for many reasons. I'm 48 (today as a matter of fact) and okay...I admit I have this monumental crush on a 28 year old fella I've known for close to three years. We've socialize a bit, but through a mutual hobby we see each other about once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. Anyhooo...even if this guy were interested in more, which at this point I'm not holding my breath...although I enjoy the fantasy of it and I know that many here on Ageless are in real relationships with this sort of age gap, there is a part of me (a big part) that hesitates with the idea of dating a 28 year old because frankly it's a lot of pressure on me.

    My Ex-BF was only 1.5 years younger and while not a bad looking man, was maybe 20 pounds overweight, getting a few gray hairs, and yes, I looked younger and better than him (not to sound vain, although I suppose it does) and the pressure was off me to worry about my looks as much--although I definitely do take care of myself. And in our society, like it or not, women are judged much more on their looks and their ability to stay "youthful" looking than men are. Men can be "distinguished" and sexy. Women are not sexy when they are "distinguished"--not according to popular belief and like it or not popular belief affects us in deep-rooted ways even if we don't want to be or fight these beliefs. That's just the facts.

    My 28 YM friend is better looking than me, younger looking than me and if truth be told would be considered quite a "catch" for a women his age or in the vicinity. If I were "with" him, I know people would be asking the question "Why HER?" (Probably even myself, which makes me hesitate to go further even if the opportunity were there...and I'm sure he senses this.) While I like to think I'm confident, strong, feel good about myself, etc., which for the most part I do....we are not completely immune to society's attitudes and behaviors. It can hurt and it can affect our self-esteem. So this worry or insecurity that a woman has about age is real, very real, and should not be viewed as simply a cry for reassurance from her mate, but something to be understood as a complex reality of being a woman in this society. Also, physical changes that begin to occur for a women are a very clear and dramatic reminder of getting older, which men do not experience in the same way.

    For a man it could be something else...my 28 yo YM friend is very good looking with a nice body, but he has something that causes him insecurity...he is prematurely balding and it began probably in his teens. He usually keeps his head shaven or cut very short and I think it looks great, but the hair is pretty much gone on top quite a bit and for such a young man, I'm sure he was not happy about that when it started happening, and perhaps makes him insecure with women. If this man were to say something about his baldness, I would probably listen to his worries, tell him that despite the baldness I find him to be a very, very attractive man, but I would also probably tell him that I can understand how he feels and it's okay to feel a disappointment or self-consciousness about some things we have no control over.

    As an OW, I think it's normal to be a bit self-conscious about looking clearly older than the man I am in a relationship with or married to. It's not what society expects and so we have to deal with the reactions and possible comments or even outright rejection or ridicule from people close to us or our man (parents, family, friends, coworkers, etc.).

    More than vain attempts to make me "feel better" with comments about how sexy I am, I would want my YM to understand and accept that on occasion I will feel vulnerable and doubt myself and he will accept me that way--occasionally feeling insecure. Just as I would accept my YM for his insecurities (premature balding, inexperience, etc.)

    I guess what I'm saying is that this is a real issue in an OW/YM relationship and shouldn't be brushed under the carpet...in an "Oh, it doesn't matter to me..." attitude. It's not really about whether it matters to the man or not, it's about what's going on inside the OW. Her acceptance of herself at her age (whatever it may be) and not feel like she has to eternally be "sexy" and look "good for her age" to be loved by a man, whatever age he may be.

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