Thread: AGRS with VYM

Hi,

My sweetie is 19 and I am 45.

Which is quite the age gap I must say, I have never had a relationship with a man this young, he pursued me and was not going to hear no, I figured, why not, I was abused for a long time and was ready for some good to come to me. He came in the form of a gorgeous, loving young man, and he is in love with me totally, it is so sweet for someone to be able to love without the pretenses, no games, just sweet innocent love. I hope it lasts, he says it will but I do know he is only 19. But my feeling on it was if I never take a chance I will never find true love.

Nice to meet you
Sam
(Dustins girl)

Hi! I am 37 and my husband is 20. We have been together for a little over 2 1/2 years. We have been married for about 9 months now.

I don't really qualify here but I just want to add my 2 cents or 2 examples of relationships with vym. When I was 26 I met a 19 year old who was inexperienced yet very persistent about going out with me, even after he learned about my age. He was my boyfriend for a year and a half. I do not regret this because I had a wonderful time, it was beautiful. However, him being very maximalistic and yet at the same time very inexperienced, made it too difficult for us. It seemed as if he knew all the answers, yet I am more of a seeker type of person. So the age difference was 7 years there.

The other relationship is that of my mother and father who is 6 years younger than she. They have been together for 30 years and raised two children. My mother had me when she was 28, and dad - 22. Even though Dad married my mother very early (21yrs old), he never cheated on her, they are still together, inseparable, and my father told me the age gap was never a problem and that he didn't really feel it. Now, my father is a very deep person, so I suppose he was looking for something extraordinary, probably something "cool", and also, during those times, people used to get married earlier.

*raises hand*

I'm 1 week shy of 34 and Litical, my honey, is 20. We've been together creeping up on 2 years now... living together since June, 2004.


~phos

Well, I guess this is as good a place as any to get my intros out the way.

Hi. I'm from England. 3 months away from becoming 40. My man turned 28 two months ago.

We've been together 4 months, and are still at that divine state of being all lovey-dovey and not being able to keep our hands off each other!

I've always dated younger blokes - not that I mean to, it just happens. Have never dated a guy over 30 in my life.....

My fella has never dated an ow before, neither has he been in love....

This board, Demi and Ralph Fiennes (his ow is 18 years older - he left his younger wife for her) give me huge inspiration.

I am 40 - he is 19. I never think about it until it is brought to my attention. Sometimes it truly makes me sad - or mad depending upon my mood. Mad because it is just not fair that this wonderful creature is 21 years younger than I. One thing I have noticed on this board is that the ow usually mention how sweet the ym are. When I was 19 I never thought of the men my age as being sweet. How is that? Of course, we have only been "a couple" for less than 3 months - we have been friends for 7 months. Don't want to jinx it by talking too much about it yet. I found this site after thinking, during the friends stage, that there was something wrong with me that caused me to feel this way about someone 21 years younger than I. But I read and read and read the topics on here and found that I am not Mrs. Robinson or a Jerry Springer show wannabe. Stuff happens and age is just a number!!

Hey there,

I mostly lurk on this site, but I wanted to tell you that it can work out and be awesome. I'm 36 and my husband is 24. We met 4 years ago and have been married for 2. We have a 5 month old daughter. I simply cannot imagine a more wonderful relationship or a more incredible husband. We have our challenges, but they are mostly related to cultural differences (I'm American and he's French) and have nothing to do with age.

In the beginning I thought about the age difference a lot but it's become less and less of an "thing" over time. Now it makes no difference to me and I could care less about what others think because I'm happier than I ever dreamed I could be.

I'm in a 25 year age gap relationship. I don't know what to think of it; I change my mind constantly. His parents are sooooo against it. Since they're in India, they don't know we are continuing to see each other. They were happy for him that he met such a nice friend. But, they clearly didn't want it to be more than that. It's a bit too late.

We're trying to stay in the present with this. Most of the time, I can do it - sometimes I don't know if I can.

I had trouble with the age difference when I found out how old he was; we've known each other for five years. He was always teasing me, complimenting me, and asking me to marry him, I'd laugh and tell him, no. He wore me down with all of that. We've been seeing each other for over six months, with him in India for part of that time. I thought he was older, he thought I was younger so we were both wrong. In spite of it all, we went ahead anyway.

The family disapproval is big, though. I think he feels really torn; cares about me, understands their side. We haven't talked about it in a while.

I am just turning 41 and Justin is now 25 and have been together for 7.75 years. Our relationship has had it's trying moments but it has all been worth it. We are engaged but in no hurry at this point to get married. Being with a vym is not always easy but it is possible to make it work.

Thank you peoples for replying it was great to meet you.

I am curious tho what do you think is the hardest issue to deal with when in a VYM/OW relationship? Because the ym is still starting along the road of adult hood do you think that it creates issues unique to this kind of relationship that need different strategies to deal with it than say a person who has experienced life a little more and has a few more years under their belt?

And what would you say is the most amazing thing about this type of relationship?
and what kind of great joys have you had in your relationships? any wonderful memories that you could share with us?

looking forward to hearing from you
Treis*

Most amazing things about this type of relationship:
1. The way the vym adores you...it's so sweet, pure and intoxicating
2. Their unfettered playfulness
3. Their wide-eyed, mostly non-jaded view of things, perspective on life
4. Their openess to communicate, laugh, tickle, be goofy, tell you they love
you and how amazing you are 24-7
5. The way it feels so natural to be "best friends" because the relationship
feels so much more like a peer-partnering rather than than one with
an older man as a "provider and protector"...it's inherently very balanced.
6. Their confessions of undying love for you, and their sincerity in that

Hardest issue to deal with:
A majority of vym can go through a confusion-period, or begin to have ambivalent feelings about the AGR after a couple of years with you as they get closer to their early to mid-20's, especially if you were their first significant "adult relationship" and/or they were in their teens when you got together. Many need to stretch on their own to gain autonomy down the road, and that can be heartbreaking for both of you since he may still profess his love, but he just needs to figure things out on his own. It seems that if you can ride out about 5 years and are still together past their early 20's, chances increase that things will work out long term (if that's what you both want).
Even then it can still happen as one dear member here is dealing with now:

Need advice

There are relatively very few ladies here who are still with their ym after 5+ years (who were inititally 18-20 when they first got together) and many of those dealt with this phase with their guys...and thankfully survived. Some let their guy "go" to find their autonomy and they ultimately came back, others got couple's counseling, etc....but the ride was not easy. Unfortunately, many, if not most, do not survive the need-for-autonomy stage with their vym.

My suggestion is to pick the brains of the ladies who have made it through to get advice on how to make it work, if long term is what you're wanting: Jo-admin, Bella, and Toasty to name a few of the "5-plusers" . And if long term is not something you even care about, I say ENJOY POINTS 1-6 I listed at the beginning of this post and be thankful for every day, because they are very special while you have them.
Best....Karen
P.S. Treisee..I wish we had an audio feature on ageless so I could hear your accent...I LOVE LOVE LOVE New Zealander's accents

28 years difference. He was, and actually still is, a vym.

One of my friends, just the other day, said when she found out about us, she was shocked, but now that she's gotten to know us, she thinks we probably have the healthiest relationship she knows of.

Honestly, I think most of it depends on the people involved. I still don't know if we'll last for life, he says it will, I enjoy it whatever length it lasts. Maybe that makes me act nicer? That I appreciate what I have so much that I act that way?

After five years, we're still really, honestly in love. There are days we snarl and bite at each other, home improvement projects come to mind, lol, but we also still touch each other every time we walk past each other, and snuggle lots.

I don't have any magic answers, I only know that if you beat each other up with the age difference, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I had to learn to stop fretting, and accept. It's also hard for some of us to be ok with letting someone love us that much. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and one day I just realized I was wasting time waiting. If it happens, I'll deal.

Being with someone that young is something like getting on a roller coaster. You get on with fear in your heart, hang on for dear life, and enjoy the ride. Or you can stand on the ground, and let the ride take off without you. Takes faith, and courage, and lots of acceptance. You have to accept that they really are the age they are, and allow them to be and not make both of you nuts expecting different. They still need to go through finding themselves in whatever ways it takes.

You do, however have the right, and they have the responsibility to treat you no differently than they'd treat a partner their own age. Too many women allow their ym to treat them awfully, and blame it on his age. Bullhockey. Someone who doesn't call when he says he will, or cheats, or won't take care of his responsibilities to life, is not being a proper person, and you don't do him any favors by letting yourself be treated like that. You can't be a door mat if you don't lay down first. I told David that the one thing I wouldn't do is cut him slack in our relationship just because of his age. If he wanted to play like a big boy, he had to act like one. He's a very honorable person, and also very honest. Men know how they should behave, and will, if the expectation is there, and they care about the person.

Couples counselling did help us during our one major bump.

Again, not all relationships last a lifetime. It depends on the people, the level of commitment. Same age relationships end too. It's not always the age.

Originally Posted by Bella

Being with someone that young is something like getting on a roller coaster. You get on with fear in your heart, hang on for dear life, and enjoy the ride.

OMG, that is SO true. Beautiful analogy. I love it.

*hangin' on*
~phos

Originally Posted by special K

P.S. Treisee..I wish we had an audio feature on ageless so I could hear your accent...I LOVE LOVE LOVE New Zealander's accents

LOL it would be awesome too...but I would probably dissappoint you, after talking to an American everyday for hours who speaks to me at times in Spanish, I get told by my friends, "Treis* make up yur mind...are you gona be an Amercian or a Kiwi cos the way you talk we have no idea what you are" they reckon I have a mongrel accent...a mixture of Maori (our native language), NZ English, Americanease, and Spanish hahaa sometimes I never know if I am going to say at the local grocers store " yah I want some of those, Tomaaaatoes or Tomatoes, lol big difference and one where people ask me what country I hail from lol which makes my children roar with laughter and they respond oh Mom is from NZ (we say Mum here) but we are from America, in their best imitation American accents
(isnt that great from kids who look extremely native being Maoris and not one drop of American in them) The poor checkout lady looks at us all funny!!!