AgeMatch.com - the best dating site for inter-generational lovers!  

Page 1 of 14 12345611 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 204
Like Tree64Likes

Thread: The Cardinal Rules to VYM Relationships

  1. #1
    bubbleee Guest

    The Cardinal Rules to VYM Relationships

    For some reason I have received several PM's this week from OW who are interested in VYM. These women have an approximate gap of 30 years between them and the object of their affection, like Phil and me. They asked me to "give them hope" that relationships like this can work. Since I don't have the corner on the market in being in a relationship with a VYM or having a big gap, I told them I'd put a thread out here and ask those of you who are in similar relationships to mine to post your thoughts on what is necessary for success in relationships like these. So I'm calling them "Cardinal Rules to VYM Relationships". I honestly don't think the size of the gap is as germaine to the success of the relationship as the desire of the partners to make the relationship succeed. So please join in here and give me a hand with your thoughts and real life examples. And if we can keep it fun, all the better!

    After being on the boards here at AL for about 2.5 years now, my first Cardinal Rule would have to be:

    1) The YM has to pursue you strongly, consistently and exclusively, forsaking other women, if he's truly serious about his intentions.

    In all honesty, no woman my age (54) in her right mind will chase after some guy in his early 20's. I was in my right mind when I met Phil, so many years ago. But he was far away, just a kid, and I'm no predator. When he graduated high school, he decided that he wanted to move to my area and go to college. I was cool with that because we had become friends (long story that many folks know) and I was happy to emotionally support him. He lived at college for the first year after the move here, and after two years in the area, he lives with me on weekends mostly.

    He pursued me relentlessly. That is a key point here. I was separated from my husband, living in my own home and he wanted to help me through my divorce and just be with me. I pushed him away for quite awhile. I even sometimes try to push him away now (I think that's an OW thing But we are still going strong despite ups and downs in our lives.

    He's loving, brilliant, financially self sufficient, cute as a button and determined to be my man. I decided to give him a try after alot of soul searching; and we've been together for about 2 years now, I think.

    Next?
    Last edited by bubbleee; 02-03-2006 at 09:08 AM.

  2. #2
    Polly's Avatar
    Polly is offline Doorperson for my pets!
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Colerain Township, Ohio
    Posts
    1,761
    I couldn't agree with you more. These relationships aren't for everyone, and I think it's harder on the ow than anybody, which is why we should be somewhat guarded going in and let him do the pursuing. I think men have to do the pursuing anyway as it's in their nature and they're satisfying an inner need when they do it. It also endears us to them. If a man (of any age) really isn't that into you, he won't pursue very much before his interest fizzles out. That's a good thing, because it then leaves us open for the one who IS really interested.
    Last edited by Polly; 02-03-2006 at 09:17 PM. Reason: misspelled word
    scarlett and LifeLove like this.
    You're supposed to be grooving as hard as you can, all of the time. - Stephen Gaskin
    www.reverbnation.com/rockcandycincy
    www.soundclick.com/pollyhager

  3. #3
    Brynhild Guest
    I believe a fundamental rule is trying to understand his mind. A good idea might be to try to step back in your own memory and think back to where you were at his age. Of course, that will be scary if you are 40-50 or smth, but it will help you understand some of his thinking. It is important to be sensitive to a very young man because everything is pretty much happening for the first time for them. Young men can be mature but they are still learning. When I was 26, I began dating a 19 year old. When I think back to that time I realise I expected too much of him - I expected him to behave like a 23-25 year old - to take care of me, support me mentally on every step, to be ready to make heavy decisions - which was wrong. In fact, you need to be rather soft with them.

    Also, respect their freedom and be a friend. It was easy for me to take part in all his youthsome activities, because I dug it myself, but you'll need to put up with him wanting to travel, expand his horisons, do sports, party, do wild stuff. Which is good fun and rejuvinating. But then you have to determine for yourself if you still want to be involved in all that.

    Also, you need to let the other person grow. You can share with them and they'll be psyched about that, but it is vital to let them grow on their own. And remember that there is a huge difference between, let's say, a 19year old and a 22year old. Still, there is a large risk factor involved.
    Last edited by Brynhild; 02-03-2006 at 04:42 PM.
    scarlett, LifeLove and Sissy9027 like this.

  4. #4
    Bella_D Guest
    Good posts Polly and Bubblee!

    I'd like to add that I think it really helps to have realistic expectations, but to balance those out with realistic boundaries.

    For example, I sometimes see OW give up a lot of emotional comfort because they think they're VYM `HAS' to go out partying and generally act like a young single guy. I admit, I got stuck in that mindset for a while until I found ageless to help sort me out

    Or on the flipside, many more OW seem to become frustrated by their unrealistic expectations....like expecting their young partners to have their whole life, career, everything sorted out by 19 or 20 years of age. Perhaps because they are looking for someone to look after them in the traditional sense? My attitude is that at that age, a person is entitled to explore his or her career options and put more emphasis on fun & exploration over taking on excessive burdeons & big committments. Just my opinion.
    LifeLove and Sissy9027 like this.

  5. #5
    marcy Guest
    I also agree with your rule and here's another...

    2) You can't make decisions in your partner's best interests



    Your partner is younger than you, but he's still an adult. He has every right to make decisions for himself and have those respected. You can't assume you know best just because you have lived longer. You don't want to be robbed of your ability to choose and neither does your partner.
    LifeLove and Sissy9027 like this.

  6. #6
    Bella's Avatar
    Bella is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    1,963
    you can't make excuses for lousy behaviour by saying he's just young. Bad treatment is bad treatment no matter what age someone is

    You have the right to be treated just as well as you'd expect to be treated by someone your own age.

    You have the right to be treated, like he'd expect to treat someone HIS own age.

    I see soooo often women come here and, "well, I let things slide, he's young." whether it's cheating, drinking, borrowing money, whatever. If someone his own age wouldn't put up with it, neither should you.

    I'd hope by this age, women would have enough sense to expect respect and tenderness, not somehow belittle themselves into thinking they deserve ill treatment.
    scarlett and LifeLove like this.

  7. #7
    Brynhild Guest
    Well, cheating and "borrowing money" is absolutely out of question in any sane relationship no matter what age. This is not even age-related.. some 20year olds will be more faithful and will cater to you more than 30year olds.. and vice versa... really not up to the age.

    Another thing is that guys aged 18-22 will sometimes have a maximalistic opinion of 'knowing it all'.. then after a couple years they really ease up and become more tolerant.. it doesn't really take that much time.
    LifeLove likes this.

  8. #8
    Bella's Avatar
    Bella is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    1,963
    Agreed, Brynhild, but it's absolutely amazing how many women come here and make all kinds of excuses for a ym because, he's "just young"
    Like, somehow, just because they're older, they should be so grateful to have a younger guy want them, that they should put up with almost any treatment.

    Those are the ones that fail really fast.
    LifeLove and Sissy9027 like this.

  9. #9
    Brynhild Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Bella
    Agreed, Brynhild, but it's absolutely amazing how many women come here and make all kinds of excuses for a ym because, he's "just young"
    Like, somehow, just because they're older, they should be so grateful to have a younger guy want them, that they should put up with almost any treatment.

    Those are the ones that fail really fast.
    Right, Bella! Because a young man can take up responsibility and care for their woman just like an older man can.
    LifeLove likes this.

  10. #10
    marcy Guest
    Can I add another?

    Don't be anyone's dirty little secret... even if your partner is between the ages of 18 to 21

    If he's scared to come "out" about you during this time period, it is not going to get better with age.

  11. #11
    Charlotte's Avatar
    Charlotte is offline Every day is a new one.
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,522
    Have realistic expectations.

    I met my guy when he was 19 but I knew him online for two years prior to that and despite that his level of maturity has grown (he's currently 20) he still needs to achieve a lot of personal goals before we can close the long distance gap.

    He needs to find a job, to learn to become financially independant and to learn to accept some of his responsibility as an equal partner in a romantic relationship.

    I'm busy raising kids and trying to move and find a job myself, so between the two of us, we BOTH need to have realistic expectations of what to expect from each other as partners and just due to our lifestyles and ages in general.

    As an aside: a guy's coming on Tuesday to appraise my house. It's the first physical step in my plan that's on paper Slowly, but surely, everything's coming together as planned.
    LifeLove likes this.

  12. #12
    bubbleee Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by marcy
    Can I add another?

    Don't be anyone's dirty little secret... even if your partner is between the ages of 18 to 21

    If he's scared to come "out" about you during this time period, it is not going to get better with age.

    Marcy, you can add as many as you wish! I hope the ladies that have been p'mming me are reading these.

    YM you may add in here, too. You are all reminding me of why I made this thread. Our collective knowledge is far greater than just one of us :-)
    LifeLove likes this.

  13. #13
    LadyInWaiting's Avatar
    LadyInWaiting is offline In The Woodwork
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    by the bay
    Posts
    377
    "Grow up!" or "You are old enough to know better!" goes BOTH ways: age alone is not an indicator of maturity: we mature physically, emotionally and intellectually. Anyone, young or old, can vary greatly in these areas. (and usually do)



    Don't confuse experience, or lack of experience, with maturity. Experiance alone does not equal maturity.

  14. #14
    bubbleee Guest
    Lady in Waiting, that is an excellent point! (good to see you btw, been a long time)

    Maturity certainly isn't gauged by the clock. I have a cousin who is in his 50's and I think he's FINALLY growing up because his 23 year old daughter has leukemia. He never raised her. But now that she is seriously ill, he has made it his mission to be her support.

    Circumstances in life can make you grow up in a hurry. Phil came from a very poor family (both money and emotionally poor). He's learned alot in the time he has left home, and admittedly has alot more to learn. But he's mature about his place in life, his reponsibilities and his commitment to me.

    BTW, LIW, how are you and your BF doing these days?

  15. #15
    kindanice Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by bubbleee
    Circumstances in life can make you grow up in a hurry.
    this is soooo true.

Page 1 of 14 12345611 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •