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Thread: How young is too young?

  1. #1
    sunshine101562 Guest

    Unhappy How young is too young?

    Hi, I really don't know where to begin with this thread. Im seeking advice on my relationship with a very young man. I am 43yrs and he is 20yrs and we met online. What Im wondering is, have i lost my mind? I have dated younger men but have never dated anyone this young, or with such an age gap. He found me and had been relentlessly pursuing me for sometime before i started to see him differently. He has been very open with his feelings and has given me room to digest all of this. He has made me feel things i dont remember feeling, Im head over heels with him and its hard to believe he is only 20yrs. A part of me is so hesitant but the other part of me says why not. So, I know there are many threads in here on this issue but id like to hear some of the women that have had or are in a large gap relationship with a very young man. Im just wondering what is the invisable line of too young? and how do i know if i have crossed it. Any information would be appreciated. We live in different countries and he is coming to visit next month. Thank you in advance....


  2. #2
    DaBollocks Guest
    Won't know 'til ye give it a shot!! Different countries is rough, but lots folks here have done it!! BTW YER HOT!! Honk!!

  3. #3
    Rozie Guest
    I think beyond the legal lines, there is no clear cut answer. I happen to believe there are individuals who really ARE older than their chronological age. I think an OW who is engaging in a relationship with a VYM really has a lot of reponsibility to not take advantage. A VYM is really vulnerable and impressionable in many ways. But don't overlook the possibility that you really ARE exactly what he wants and needs. I have a 23 year AG and also met my YM online. At first the relationship was one of simply playing an online game together. Then I took on a role of sort of a personal mentor, as we chatted and came to know one another. I was unhappily married at the time and NEVER once thought of this YM as boyfriend material, only as a "kid" not much older than my son, who I could relate to because of my son and because we had sooo much in common. He was rooting for my marriage, but was clearly invested in the friendship.

    Cutting to the chase, we met, marriage ended and he pursued. Took me a loooong time to wrap my head around the idea that this could ever be more than a friendship, although I certainly felt a physical attraction to him. Then one day I thought, "Why am I fighting this?", and BOOM....hooked...totally hooked on him. Then a weird thing happened. HE became MY mentor and now I feel like we are total equals in the relationship. He has me convinced that I am what he wants, and I agree with the thing about feeling things you don't remember feeling. This is not just any 26 year old! This is not just any relationship!

  4. #4
    TrueHeart Guest
    Too young is under 18 (in most of the US anyway). Don't ever do anything illegal like a Mary Kay Laterno type thing.

    If someone is 18 or older, and you both like how the relationship feels, there isn't any reason why you shouldn't pursue it.

    Some people won't like it, but then some people don't like the Yankees ...which proves they are just jealous.
    Last edited by TrueHeart; 08-09-2006 at 02:19 PM.

  5. #5
    marcy Guest
    Is 20 to young? I don't think so... my husband just turned 21 in June

  6. #6
    TrueHeart Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by marcy
    Is 20 to young? I don't think so... my husband just turned 21 in June
    Well that does it. Now he's too old!

  7. #7
    Angel's Avatar
    Angel is offline Anger Thrives In A Fool
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    Jun 2006
    Platform 9
    You are doing exactly the same thing that the rest of us do.

    It does feel weird and uncomfortable at first. In fact, it still feels weird an uncomfortable for me. My man is still viewed as a "teenager" (he's 19) and that bothers the bejeezus out of me, I won't lie. But I deserve to be happy and in love and if he wants that with me why am I fighting it? He's old enough to decide who he wants to love and fortunately for me, it's me.

    But get ready for all the differences that occur when dating a YM. As I learned from the women here, you are both at different stages in your life which can really add an aspect to your relationship you weren't expecting! Sometimes it can be enough to make or break you.

    Good luck on your new relationship!

  8. #8
    FortyishCutie Guest
    Hi Sunshine! Well, I think the age "limit" thing really depends on what you want out of the relationship. I have "dated" quite a few YM, but only became serious with 3 of them. The really young ones were attractive and fun, but I never really gave them any real consideration because I know who I am and I know what I need from a man, and they really were just too young to provide that.
    One thing that I will tell you from my own experience is that I have found that if the relationship is largely based on sex (and lets face it, that can be an incredible attraction to the OW/YM relationship) with little else in common, then there isn't much hope for a future together. A great physical connection is wonderful, but a guy has to be able to provide me with more than that in order to make me believe that our relationship is more than just a passing fancy.

  9. #9
    Loganic's Avatar
    Loganic is offline Fun Lovin Guy
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    Jul 2006
    Bay Area, California
    Good words from all of you. Petty much, you'll just have to see for yourself. There's success stories and failures on both ends. Be intelligent about it, and otherwise have fun!

  10. #10
    special K's Avatar
    special K is offline dedicated member :-)
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    Jan 2003
    Pacific Northwest
    Since you asked and wanted honest opinions: ....under about 23 is risky....25 and up is opinion (and many others' who may not post here, as well as books like "Older Women, Younger Men:New Options, statistics, etc..... )...just tread cautiously, go slowly, let him grow up into his own autonomy, and it can work.

    Wish you the best...
    Last edited by special K; 08-10-2006 at 03:25 AM.
    "What the caterpillar sees as the end of the world, the butterfly calls wings."

  11. #11
    sunshine101562 Guest
    Wow....Thank you all very very much. You have no idea how helpful all of you have been. Its good to get some objective feedback, since my head is in the clouds at the moment. Its good to know its okay for one, but also that it can work. Im gonna give it a go and see what happens..i will keep you all posted. If anyone else has anymore feeback please jump right in....*S* Thanks again....and im really greatful for this forum...


  12. #12
    Bella_D Guest
    Hi Sunshine!

    The way I feel about this issue is that the really great guys out there were always good, and just got better with age.

    The less great guys are frequently affectionately regarded as `immature' or excused as being `unconscious' when they're young, but at the end of the day, they're just not very good people...they may grow up somewhat more refined, or just more consciously bad; you never really know.

    If you feel that you've met one of the special ones, have faith that he will just get better with time and shower him with the love he deserves.

    If you find yourself dealing with a lot of disrespect and selfish behaviour, don't use youth as an excuse.

    PS. my fiance was 21 when we first met, and 23 when we became a couple. Almost 4 years later, ..He is now my fiance, my business partner, and frankly the light of my life. I've never been so happy and proud to call someone my partner.

    In fact, the truth is I've never really known what having a true partner feels like before him, and I am grateful for every day I wake up beside him, and look forward to each day I spend with him.

    Yes, he has changed for sure! He just got better

  13. #13
    jellypp Guest


    you know whats wierd??its like most of you out here has guys that are young enough to be your son! And seeing that most of you are in your thirties or fourties and even fifties...and thats like my parents age(my mom is thirty eight and my dad is fouty four)..well i don't mean to offend anyone but i think its just so wierd!!
    I think a 40 something dating a 20 something is way too much!!people aren't going to see you as a couple.And in the end you'll just end up heartbroken!harsh but thats the reality.
    I have a friend who was dating an Older woman..they've been together for 5 years but eventually broke up since he felt he's missing out on some stuffs.She was fourty two and he's twenty one!He likes Coldplay..she likes Duran Duran sigh!That was just an example..but age does may be happy initially but in the end,you just end up gettin hurt..ok if the guy is like in his late twenties or thirties..then he is mature enough but like twenty five or even twenty!!!!!!thats way too young!!

  14. #14
    BlueMoonGypsy's Avatar
    BlueMoonGypsy is offline Beliving in dreams
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    Jul 2006
    I agree with what TrueHeart said, if they are of legal concenting age and can make decisions for themselves, it is between the people in the relationship.

    I'd like to address jellypp's post.

    You stated
    I have a friend who was dating an Older woman..they've been together for 5 years but eventually broke up since he felt he's missing out on some stuffs.
    Even in a relationship where there is no substantial age difference, this can be an issue. People can "miss out on stuffs" (I will just ignore the grammar with a shudder and move on). It's a fact of life.

    He likes Coldplay..she likes Duran Duran sigh!
    Ok...and that is a problem why? I am 40 and love Coldplay but does that mean that if I am in a relationship with someone they must have exactly the same tastes in everything I do? No. Again, age has nothing to do with this. It's personal taste and it can happen in any relationship.

    The fact is, age is an issue but not in the way you seem to think. If you read posts on here or look into relationships where one is much older than the other, it is often outside influences and pressures that make it an issue. As you stated
    people aren't going to see you as a couple.
    And again my question would be....and that is a problem why? If the people in the relationship are ok with themselves and there is care, respect, love, passion, committment and all the things that make a relationship work (short or long term)....why should it matter what other "people" think?

    Bella_D: I liked your comment about maturity. I have younger male friends now that act more mature than my ex-husband did at 45.

    Sunshine: I wish you all the best. I too have had this question going through my mind. Not for any specific YM but in general because my daughter asked. She and I were talking about the possibility of a YM being in my life. She said for her, she is 17, she would prefer he be over 23 but couldn't give a reason other than she wanted him to be older than her brother (who is 19). LOL But, that said, she followed it up with, "Mom, if he is not jail bait and you are happy that is all that matters. Who cares what me or anyone else thinks. All I want is you happy." *grin* Ok first a big LOL for the jail bait comment and then gave her a big hug because I have such an amazing daughter.
    -------Anyway....I look forward to your updates!


  15. #15
    jellypp Guest


    whoa whoa down...i was just voicing my own opinion.Im not trying to contradict whatever!I know and you know that younger guys after a certain period of time will eventually go for girls their age or even younger!
    Even my friends who have been reading this threads agree...ok i admit 40 is nothing..i mean this days with all the facilities available you can look young..Monica Bellucci is amazingly beautiful still!!
    But think about it when your sixty something and your guy is like 30 or fourty u still think it'll be the same?
    And yeah none of the guys i know likes older woman!!
    Last edited by jellypp; 08-23-2006 at 07:11 AM.

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