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Thread: What did your ym break it off?

  1. #1
    Lori Guest

    Why did your ym break it off?

    I'm still dealing with this whole break-up thing between my ym and me. Mine claims it's because we didn't have a future do to the age gap, but he didn't break it off until he had another woman already in his life. One he could possibly have a future with.

    Why did your ym break it off? Was he seeing someone else his own age or was his inability to deal with the age gap the real culprit? Guess I'm just trying to figure out the possible "why" in my case. Doesn't seem feasible it's really both reasons.
    Last edited by Lori; 08-28-2006 at 07:32 PM.

  2. #2
    kittylane's Avatar
    kittylane is offline Senior Member
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    many of the ym on the site have no intention of breaking it off, you really got a lemon deal and its not how all men think at all, i hope others who have had the experience can help you with this question. i am sorry for your pain.

  3. #3
    chrisy Guest
    Not because someone starts a relationship with another means that it should last forever. I think that we as women allow our emotions to cloud our logic.

    A person may begin a relationship with good intentions however as time passes, he or she may realize that it's not the "right fit" for him or her. There is nothing wrong with this occurrence. It's just that the person who is "rejected" has to come to terms with the truth - and this truth is not a judgment on his/her value - it's just that he/she is not the "right person" for the one who decides to leave the relationship. There is pain in rejection - feel the pain - but don't interpret the person's departure as "I am not good/pretty/slim/etc enough."

  4. #4
    seneca43 Guest

    Hey Lori

    I actually broke it off with him after I took an honest look at what was happening and what had been discussed.

    It was all too easy to keep seeing each other and having a non-commited relationship. Its just that I didnt feel the same and wanted more. Consequently, I did not allow that to go on.

    His "excuse" as to why he couldn't get more serious was the kid/wife thing. He's never been married (although he did live with a g/f for 6 years) and wanted a child. We had some faith issues too (Im a lapsed catholic/he's practicing).

    But as a very astute YW pointed out to me, that excuse is total b.s. because a person cannot allow his or her feelings to be thwarted by what you have no experience with. What you want and what you can achieve are 2 different things-it's like saying you dont want to go to on vacation to the beach because its overcast and it looks like it might rain. She also pointed out that his rationale would have been more plausible had he already been there and done that (had kids/been married). He, after all, isnt the one having the kids.

    He just didnt care as much as I did and wanted someone younger.

    Truth hurts- despite "being in different places at different times", "not on the same page", "not liking me had I been younger because I was different then", blah blah blah blah.

    All the sugarcoating in the world doesnt change the rejection you feel now. I know because I feel the same. Only, Im done being sad over it. Now Im just tad annoyed over it.

  5. #5
    marcy Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by seneca43
    I actually broke it off with him after I took an honest look at what was happening and what had been discussed.

    It was all too easy to keep seeing each other and having a non-commited relationship. Its just that I didnt feel the same and wanted more. Consequently, I did not allow that to go on.

    His "excuse" as to why he couldn't get more serious was the kid/wife thing. He's never been married (although he did live with a g/f for 6 years) and wanted a child. We had some faith issues too (Im a lapsed catholic/he's practicing).

    But as a very astute YW pointed out to me, that excuse is total b.s. because a person cannot allow his or her feelings to be thwarted by what you have no experience with. What you want and what you can achieve are 2 different things-it's like saying you dont want to go to on vacation to the beach because its overcast and it looks like it might rain. She also pointed out that his rationale would have been more plausible had he already been there and done that (had kids/been married). He, after all, isnt the one having the kids.

    He just didnt care as much as I did and wanted someone younger.

    Truth hurts- despite "being in different places at different times", "not on the same page", "not liking me had I been younger because I was different then", blah blah blah blah.

    All the sugarcoating in the world doesnt change the rejection you feel now. I know because I feel the same. Only, Im done being sad over it. Now Im just tad annoyed over it.

    For a pseudo philosopher you are pretty good! I completely agree. The one leaving (and it isn't always the case that there is one leaving sometimes nobody's left at home and they just didn't turn off the light and lock the doors yet ) left because they were no longer fulfilled for whatever reason. The reason is just not important... it isn't a matter of being younger, being fertile, being tall... it is a matter of the all the great stuff not outweighing all the questionable stuff for the leaver. It sucks, but thats the truth.

    I once had a relationship with a guy. It was completely online. It was brief from my perspective and intense from his. I ended it completely when I met my husband. I could never have taken that online relationship to real life because it just wasn't "right" for me. He was great in some ways, not great in others... but ultimately it was a case that I wasn't interested enough in him to do it.

  6. #6
    Rob Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by seneca43
    But as a very astute YW pointed out to me, that excuse is total b.s. because a person cannot allow his or her feelings to be thwarted by what you have no experience with. What you want and what you can achieve are 2 different things-it's like saying you dont want to go to on vacation to the beach because its overcast and it looks like it might rain. She also pointed out that his rationale would have been more plausible had he already been there and done that (had kids/been married). He, after all, isnt the one having the kids.

    This I don't fully understand...

    Years ago I worked for an insurance company... I worked there for 4 years and I didn't really like it. Last year I completed a degree in Sport & Leisure because I want to coach football. I could have just stuck with the first job (I was made redundant, but had the opportunity to be relocated IF I'd have wanted to) but I decided to follow what I actually want to do. There's no guarantees things will work out, career wise, exactly how I hope they will. But that isn't reason NOT to try, is it?

    My point being that if someone really does want kids THAT much, and it is SO important to them that they won't be happy without doing that in their life, then I can understand why a relationship might end because of that. Of course, a lot of people don't really think about their reasoning for 'wanting kids' IMO, but that's another point. And this doesn't mean that your ym was using it as a cop out either.

    I can't understand the beach thing either, because I wouldn't go to the beach if it was overcast and looked like it was going to rain... I'd do something else with my time instead of going and having a miserable day. You can always go to the beach another time!

  7. #7
    seneca43 Guest

    Logically its faulty either way...

    My point being that if someone really does want kids THAT much, and it is SO important to them that they won't be happy without doing that in their life, then I can understand why a relationship might end because of that. Of course, a lot of people don't really think about their reasoning for 'wanting kids' IMO, but that's another point. And this doesn't mean that your ym was using it as a cop out either.

    I can't understand the beach thing either, because I wouldn't go to the beach if it was overcast and looked like it was going to rain... I'd do something else with my time instead of going and having a miserable day. You can always go to the beach another
    time!


    Honestly, I do think it was a cop out the more I think about it.

    PS- I would love to be a fly on the wall when he does have a child. You know, when the realization that its just not going to be tossing a ball back and forth on the front lawn with a son (what would he do if he had a girl??) hits.

    And reality usually does hit- hard. I was one of those haughty women who is my early 30's had the house, the 10 year marriage and career. I thought I was ready for that baby. It was going to be another symbol of my success. I quickly learned the meaning of the words "eat humble pie"!!!

    Meanspirited as it may sound, I hope he remembers me during the 3AM diaper changes and feedings!

    PS- The thing with the beach vacation- are u saying if the forecast called for rain and you had paid for a vacation away from home, you wouldnt go?? That's the context I think she meant it in.

  8. #8
    Rob Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by seneca43
    Honestly, I do think it was a cop out the more I think about it.
    Could be... I actually meant that it 'could' be a cop out on my previous post... got my wording a bit mixed up, sorry!

    PS- The thing with the beach vacation- are u saying if the forecast called for rain and you had paid for a vacation away from home, you wouldnt go?? That's the context I think she meant it in.
    Yeah, that'd be different, I'd still go. Perhaps I wouldn't go down to the beach and find a bar instead though. I was kind of thinking along the lines of if you were planning a weekend or day at the beach, a few hours drive away. If weather reports said it's likely to rain, then you wouldn't go, surely?

  9. #9
    freespirit Guest
    Seneca, Lori I had exactly the same experience...he wanted kids, white picket fence, big house etc.....and he was already seeing someone younger than him who he thought could give him that....and good luck to them...because what it made me realise was how much further along I was....his actions made me see what I was, and how easily I had sublimated who I was to try to fit his ideal....something I had never done before....a quick self slap, a few tears, and a few beers with friends and I moved on...and seneca yes in a perverse way it would be interesting to see if his dream materialised how he envisioned it....one only has to go on internet dating sites to see how many singles in their 30's with kids are on there......but I'm too busy living my dreams to worry over him and his.....

    Lori it hurts when they do those things but you do get over it....the secret is to have a life worth living and not to look back...

  10. #10
    satya Guest
    I was dating a younger man... it was not serious but it went on for about a year. He was I think 6 or 7 years younger.

    He broke it off as he did not love me (I didn't love him either). He wanted to get married and have kids again (he already had two) and didn't think that he was ever going to love me. Age was never brought up.

    He had already met the girl that he went on to fall in love with. She was younger than me (and him) she was fatter than me, she was not pretty, she didn't seem to have any personality. It came as a shock to me and to everyone who knew us both.... no one could see what he saw in her.... but he saw something.... for a while. They lived together and were talking of engagement.

    Last I heard they had split up and he was sniffing around me again.... I told him to back off and he did. Of course by then I had my YM who I do love and who loves me in return. We knew we loved each other early on and declared this to each other early on. We have the same life goals and are well on the way to working towards them now.

  11. #11
    seneca43 Guest

    Thanks for the moral support FreeSpirit

    ....one only has to go on internet dating sites to see how many singles in their 30's with kids are on there......but I'm too busy living my dreams to worry over him and his.....

    The nice thing about being "older" is that you really have been there and done that and when you can say "told ya so", you do get a buzz off it. LOL

    I know this YM is naive regarding alot of things- particularly thinking that marriage and kids are the magical solution to happiness. Of course, his naivete was part of my attraction to him.

    I spent two decades of my life being married and totally unhappy until I realized you can only make yourself happy. If I had had the foresight (or crystal ball), no, I would not have bought a child into this world. Cuz see, back then, I kept thinking it would make me "happy" or "complete" or "fulfilled"... SHHHEEESSH

    And while I cant say Im "living my dreams", Im surviving. Quite well and on my own.

    Thanks again.

  12. #12
    Lori Guest
    Everyone, thanks for the responses. I really enjoy this forum.

    To Kitty and Chrisy, I guess I posed the question wrong. I wanted to see why other ym have called it quits. If it's an age thing, why do ym get involved with ow to begin with? My relationship, even though words of committment weren't spoken, was fairly serious. It lasted 14 months. I certainly didn't get any younger during that time . So for those ym who say I can't stay because there's no future or because I want children and you can't have them (or the ow doesn't want more), what motivated them to get involved in the first place? Are those just excuses, not the real reason? In my case, I didn't want more children, but I have had a hysterectomy, so it wouldn't matter if I did. Age and child bearing are things that can't be changed, so do some ym use these as reasons so the ow can't pose a solution?

  13. #13
    freespirit Guest
    Satya
    He had already met the girl that he went on to fall in love with. She was younger than me (and him) she was fatter than me, she was not pretty, she didn't seem to have any personality. It came as a shock to me and to everyone who knew us both.... no one could see what he saw in her.... but he saw something.... for a while. They lived together and were talking of engagement.
    .........

    was his name Daniel?????? J/k lol......

    Seneca there is a certain pleasure and peace in knowing you are on your own after such emotional and confronting turmoil.....you'll be fine, the best thing about being older is knowing life goes on, and you want to make it beautiful and full of meaning for you.....

    Lori i think, to pick up kitty's point, some young men do have an attraction to older women, and yet they can't quite come to terms with it, so when they realise they are "in relationship" the weight of their peers and life expectations comes crashing down. it takes a certain maturity to reconcile your own beliefs with life experience and societal expectations, and unfortunately, while i don't doubt their integrity, I do believe some are not mature enough, or have the skills, toprocess and move forward to a different reality.

    I also believe that, after going back to the safety net of conformity, they still have to process, and ultimately will seek out their truth. I know for my ex he will not find happiness with this girl, just from my own observations, not bitterness, but he also probably wouldn't have found ongoing happiness with me either. I also know because he told me and I believe him, that i taught him a lot about life and love and integrity, and hey thats life isn't it.

  14. #14
    Angel's Avatar
    Angel is offline Anger Thrives In A Fool
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    Lori,

    Given your situation, I do find it suspicious that he found another woman and then came to you with that reasoning.

    Now, I do believe that he really did feel that way, but what came first the feelings or the new lady? In my honest opinion, I believe that the new lady came into the picture first and made him start re-evaluating those feelings.

    So a bit a both is my final answer. To an extent he did feel that way, but I'm sure she helped those emotions on.

    Don't worry Lori, once this one starts to bore him he'll find another woman and use the things she can't give him against her.

    He's gotta get honest with himself first otherwise he'll just continue to be a schmuck. Don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem with someone outgrowing a relationship, but be grown enough to end the one you're in first before starting a new one. I consider what he did a favor for you (even if it doesn't feel like one now) as it's obvious you deserve 100x times better.
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  15. #15
    gorillagirl Guest
    lori,
    i'm sorry you're so sad and stunned, i guess, is a better way to describe it, maybe.
    i'm in the process of figuring out if i have a shred of a relationship (even platonic) with a VYM. but this question you asked hit me hard: "what motivated them to get involved in the first place?"

    and i do know what motivated my VYM is that he sees me as an "easy prey" and also easily discardable. i'm 44, he's 21. i'm a teenager on the inside and to me, he looks like a perfectly suitable age-match (from the inside). when i look in the mirror, i see what he sees. old, 20-25 lbs. over my idea weight, soft rolls of pudge, hair growing on my chin (i pluck), wrinkles. i guess he saw my weakness for his beauty and he knew he could have me. he also doesn't care if he has me ever again in a sexual way (he does want my friendship on some level but he's also incredibly self absorbed and selfish). he'd sex me again with no heart, feeling, caring, or whatever. he wouldn't say no but he's not hoping for it either.

    so, for sure, for myself, i can now , with rose colored glasses off, say he got involved because i was weak for him and i was an "easy lay" and he knew he could "dump" me without feeling any pain or regret.

    sadly.

    i'm not saying this to compare my situation to yours or to say that your ex had the same motivation when he got involved. i'm not saying that at all. but your question hit me hard and i just want to acknowledge that.

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