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Thread: How to confront???

  1. #1
    tyomguy Guest

    How to confront???

    My Gf and I have been together a lil over 2 years now. Friday night she was in a bad mood about a number of things in her life. We were apart do to conflicting plans. She decided she wanted to say home and get things done. I talked to her later that evening and could tell in her tone that she was angry, not at me persay, but then again at me. I told her that her anger did not belong to me and that I couldn't fix what she was mad at. Bear in mind she was about 8 beers in when we talked. I was later told by her that what i had said made her more mad becasue she feels i am a safe place to vent. To which I am and I apologized for not being a better listener.

    We got together saturday night and she was in much better spirits. She told me about the night before how she went outside in the rain and yelled and cried and screamed at the sky letting it all out. She also told me she wrote some things down that were anger laden but she had not looked at them since she wrote them. This is typical behavior when she is really mad or sad she writes which is very theraputic.

    we get home that night and its late, she is preparing for bed and I am upstairs turning the bed down. I see some papers next to the bed with an ink pen. I pick them up and come to the realization that what i picked up was what she had written.

    Needless to say curiosity got the better of me and i was buzzed so there goes judgement. What I read gave me that not so good feeling in my stomach.She started coming upstairs so i set the paper down where i found it and didn't say anything to her about it.

    Now i know its her private thoughts and left to interpretation and written in anger and a good beer buzz, but still, the content was directed at me. A few things I knew i could take care of easily that were frustrations. The others more difficult.

    She hasn't been feeling herself lately and admitted to me that she was depressed. So i took all into consideration while processing what I read.

    One of things made mention of myself having plans and options none of which included her. Which to me was very striking as I take her into consideration on a majority of my choices.

    The second line of concern was that she had wrote something to the fact of ' you have your plans and that is fine, I won't even tell you who I called tonite, I planned myself a ball, but then you had to ruin it all, so for now i will sleep." Something along those lines. this made me very uneasy due to its vagueness and given other conversations earlier in the summer made me wonder if she had planned to go out with an ex lover of hers from 15 years ago that she recently was in touch with, but told me about, and never acted upon. Which is great!!

    my question is knowing what i know, how do I discuss this issue with her without damaging the trust, and while getting some issues out in the open?

    or do i chalk it up to drunk writting and a emotional overload moment and let it go? I have done that before, but these things I feel need to be addressed.

    any thoughts, or questions.

  2. #2
    tinydancer Guest
    Seems to me that she left that paper right where you would see it.
    I am not sure how you should confront her.....I wouldn't be able to get past the 8 beers lol!
    As to her going out with someone else, writing it down, and then leaving it where you could find it, sounds like a game to me and I am not a fan of that kind of behavior.
    I DO understand if she feels you are going to leave her "behind" etc...
    Depression is a tough thing and it is HER problem. She needs to get help and to, hopefully, learn better ways to cope. How well I can identify with those feelings!
    Good luck.
    Blessings, TD

  3. #3
    Harrison Guest

    Be very cautious...

    my question is knowing what i know, how do I discuss this issue with her without damaging the trust, and while getting some issues out in the open?

    or do i chalk it up to drunk writting and a emotional overload moment and let it go? I have done that before, but these things I feel need to be addressed.
    Here's my take on it: You had no business reading what were really parts of her diary or private journal, therefore you have no standing to complain about her. After all you have violated the rules of trust by rummaging through her private thoughts.

    Consider yourself even, with the referee issuing both of you a "foul" in the game of love.

    Why not just go out of your way to make it clear to her that your plans do include her? Talk about it on a weekly basis with her so there's no doubt... and if she has proven trustworthy in the past, give her the benefit of the doubt with respect to this old flame of hers.

    On the other hand if she starts coming home late or showing other suspicious signs that another man is in her life, I would just politely confront her and say "Things are looking suspicious to me... let's have a serious talk..."

  4. #4
    Belisama's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinydancer View Post
    Seems to me that she left that paper right where you would see it.
    Me too. If she really didn't want you to see it, she'd have hidden it or thrown it away.

    That said, it *was* written under the influence so I'd take much of it with a heavy grain of salt!

    However, there is probably some element of truth in the obvious insecurity that she expressed in the letter. Is it possible, perhaps, that, while you do think of her in all of your major plans, that you haven't spelled it out to her in such a way that she's actually hearing what you're thinking?

    Last but not least, don't worry too very much. My husband and I have one of the very best marriages I know of and we even go through some stupid moments of insecurity - even when we both know better.

    I would talk to her and 'fess up about finding the letter. If she gets defensive, then tell her gently that, if she wants to keep those thoughts private, it's probably not a good idea to leave them right out on a table where any passer by could read it. And then let her know how important she is to you. It sounds like she needs some reassurance - just make sure you communicate that to her on her level, not yours.

  5. #5
    grumpysgirl Guest
    Although I agree with Harrison I do agree with Tiny. She knew you all were going out then why leave the papers where YOU could find it? Was she hinting to you about something? If so what? To me thats a BIG head game right there. Depression can make you do silly stupid acts out of despiration..been there done it..I would not say anything..but if her behavior continues and you have your suspicions then OHHH ya! The ex thing would bother me alot after all it was 15 years ago..eeek
    good luck mate and god bless!

    Meri

  6. #6
    Rozie Guest
    More later but I have to tell you this is almost identical to what my son went through with a long time girlfriend a few months back. He felt his girlfriend was guarded and closed, except for the night she called him in a drunken rage, and so, one morning he chose to read her journal while she was out. It gave him the answers he needed, but sadly for her, it made the focus of their problems the reading of the journal, rather than the generally crummy communication they had about their future. My advice to him was to fess up and take responsibility for his misstep (the reading of the journal) but not to ignore what he'd read there (she was unfaithful to him.) I counseled him that while it could all be repaired, it was going to take incredible effort from both of them, and maybe it was more than they really wanted to invest, given that they'd gotten to that point in the first place.

    Same advice to you. You both have to want this relationship to work. Get yourselves to someone who can help you with your lousy communication. You were right to to disown her anger, but a skilled communicator can do this in a way that doesn't make her feel unsafe. And, point out to her that you shouldn't have to hear how she really feels 8 beers in or in a "private" journal that she has seemingly planted.

    Come on, really, this reminds me of people reading e-mail that has been left on the screen.....its only natural to look at something personal that is out in plain sight. Maybe I just have fewer scruples than most. I would have looked at it.
    Last edited by Rozie; 08-27-2007 at 12:04 PM.

  7. #7
    miu Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by tyomguy View Post
    Bear in mind she was about 8 beers in when we talked.
    Eight beers is a lot. How often does she drink? I am concerned about that. Plus alcoholic is a depressant.

    The second line of concern was that she had wrote something to the fact of ' you have your plans and that is fine, I won't even tell you who I called tonite, I planned myself a ball, but then you had to ruin it all, so for now i will sleep."
    Does she write song lyrics at all? Because this just sounds more like a snippet to a budding song and not a literal journal entry.

  8. #8
    Harrison Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Rozie View Post
    ....Come on, really, this reminds me of people reading e-mail that has been left on the screen.....its only natural to look at something personal that is out in plain sight. Maybe I just have fewer scruples than most. I would have looked at it.
    It may be 'natural' but it's also wrong and a violation of our society's rules about privacy and boundaries.

    If your own personal medical file were accidentally left on a cabinet, or knocked onto the floor of your doctor's office, how would you want his bookkeeper (your neighbor) to react when he happens to see it the following morning? Put it back on top of the appropriate cabinet right away, correct?

    Most women wouldn't want him to casually open it up and peruse everything in there about their various abortions, STDs, anti-depressant prescriptions, etc, etc. I just try to give others the same respect I woud want from them.

  9. #9
    grumpysgirl Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Harrison View Post
    It may be 'natural' but it's also wrong and a violation of our society's rules about privacy and boundaries.

    If your own personal medical file were accidentally left on a cabinet, or knocked onto the floor of your doctor's office, how would you want his bookkeeper (your neighbor) to react when he happens to see it the following morning? Put it back on top of the appropriate cabinet right away, correct?

    Most women wouldn't want him to casually open it up and peruse everything in there about their various abortions, STDs, anti-depressant prescriptions, etc, etc. I just try to give others the same respect I woud want from them.
    I agree It is wrong really wrong...but; it was also wrong to leave the temptation out in the open. Sorry but I have written things..when I do; I hide it. I do not leave it out in the open for Kai to find. I think she wanted him to find it..just my two cents

  10. #10
    Harrison Guest
    I think she wanted him to find it..just my two cents
    Probably, but it was still a 'trap' he walked into. Obviously there are communication problems if that's how she needs to 'talk' to him.


    too much game-playing in this one...

  11. #11
    grumpysgirl Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Harrison View Post
    Probably, but it was still a 'trap' he walked into. Obviously there are communication problems if that's how she needs to 'talk' to him.


    too much game-playing in this one...
    BINGO!!!! I agree! Sounds to me also the depression plays a huge role as well

  12. #12
    tyomguy Guest

    Appreciation

    To all who have replied thus far thank you for your thoughts and ideas.

    I wish to respond in saying

    I know it was wrong to look at what she wrote. I am definetly at fault there and have no problem admitting that.

    I do also agree that her mood had a significant portion to do with it.

    I want to make clear to those who identified our communication as being lousy, in fact it is not, this is an isolated incident that I am looking to resolve.
    We discuss things quite regularly and have a good communication exchange.
    However as mentioned this one caught me off guard and needs to be addressed. Does that mean we need couples therapy, hardly, our relationship has substance and depth that allows us to be open, does it take a couple days to get it out, ya sometimes.

    I do agree that it may be best to take the foul in the game of love and not say anything and just observe. this of course being done by taking all factors into consideration. mood, time, place, alcohol, stress etc.

    i do agree that it could be a head game, and if so it worked because i walked into it and now know things i didn't.

    I am still trying to decide if its best to bring it up and get it out there. I have a feeling though that certain parts may not be discussed, becasue of with holding information, those parts would need to be confronted and thus give away the fact that I read it.

    I am 98% sure my woman is committed to me as we got tatoos together not long ago that were personal to us. But rambelings like what i read give me the caution sign.

    we have benn together 2 years and know how we benefit each other, if she decides to walk away on a whim she knows what she will lose, no different than I know.

  13. #13
    Rozie Guest
    It may be 'natural' but it's also wrong and a violation of our society's rules about privacy and boundaries.

    If your own personal medical file were accidentally left on a cabinet, or knocked onto the floor of your doctor's office, how would you want his bookkeeper (your neighbor) to react when he happens to see it the following morning? Put it back on top of the appropriate cabinet right away, correct?

    Most women wouldn't want him to casually open it up and peruse everything in there about their various abortions, STDs, anti-depressant prescriptions, etc, etc. I just try to give others the same respect I woud want from them.

    That's a very poor analogy Harrison, because what happens in a professional setting requires a different ethical standard than what happens in a private home, where two people are living as man and wife. And again, this is not the issue. I've already suggested he take responsibility for tresspassing into her private territory.

    The issue is that what really needs to be said, can't be said, unless in the form of a journal or under the influence of alcohol. That's pretty shakey grounds to me, and that needs to be addressed. The darned journal reading is just a symptom of what went wrong here. The OP needs to come right out and ask her why she is so insecure that she can't talk to him about her issues and he need to look seriously at how he responds to her insecruity. Sometimes a partner's response breeds more insecurity.

    Just my three cents worth.

    I want to make clear to those who identified our communication as being lousy, in fact it is not, this is an isolated incident that I am looking to resolve.
    We discuss things quite regularly and have a good communication exchange.
    Well, I'm only an outsider looking in, but what you have described doesn't make your communication look as rosy as you would like us to believe.

  14. #14
    Harrison Guest
    That's a very poor analogy Harrison, because what happens in a professional setting requires a different ethical standard than what happens in a private home, where two people are living as man and wife.
    ??? ???
    private personal information = private personal information.

  15. #15
    grumpysgirl Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by tyomguy View Post
    To all who have replied thus far thank you for your thoughts and ideas.

    I wish to respond in saying

    I know it was wrong to look at what she wrote. I am definetly at fault there and have no problem admitting that.

    I do also agree that her mood had a significant portion to do with it.

    I want to make clear to those who identified our communication as being lousy, in fact it is not, this is an isolated incident that I am looking to resolve.
    We discuss things quite regularly and have a good communication exchange.
    However as mentioned this one caught me off guard and needs to be addressed. Does that mean we need couples therapy, hardly, our relationship has substance and depth that allows us to be open, does it take a couple days to get it out, ya sometimes.

    I do agree that it may be best to take the foul in the game of love and not say anything and just observe. this of course being done by taking all factors into consideration. mood, time, place, alcohol, stress etc.

    i do agree that it could be a head game, and if so it worked because i walked into it and now know things i didn't.

    I am still trying to decide if its best to bring it up and get it out there. I have a feeling though that certain parts may not be discussed, becasue of with holding information, those parts would need to be confronted and thus give away the fact that I read it.

    I am 98% sure my woman is committed to me as we got tatoos together not long ago that were personal to us. But rambelings like what i read give me the caution sign.

    we have benn together 2 years and know how we benefit each other, if she decides to walk away on a whim she knows what she will lose, no different than I know.
    JUst be careful as You also posted that there was an ex involved. The comment on how she was going to have a Ball worries me as well. Just be safe as I would hate to see your heart broken. You seem like a caring loving man. Has she talked to a doctor about this depression? It sounds like it has been going on for sometime from your post

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