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Thread: Married OW and the "other" YM

  1. #1
    Kristin's Avatar
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    Married OW and the "other" YM

    Ok, this thread is for those who have "been there/done that". This is NOT a discussion thread about infidelity nor will I allow judgemental comments about the right and wrong of these situations.

    This is a safe place for people in this situation to discuss and get advice and emotional support from people who have either been through it in the same position or are experiencing it themselves.

    This is not a discussion about condoning infidelity or being against it - it is about assisting people who have found themselves in this situation for whatever reason. If you have a black and white view of this topic, it is best that you do not post here. I appreciate your consideration and common courtesy to respect this request.

    If anyone does not want to follow the above guidlines, I will request that you leave the thread and that your comments be moderated.

    Thank you!

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    Kristin's Avatar
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    OK, this is for people who are in this situation or have been in the past. How you are dealing with it, how you dealt with it, how it turned out for you.

    There will be no judging on this thread, just frank discussion. I hope I made that clear.

    OK, my story.

    I was married at 22. I got married because my husband was the first guy to fall in love with me and ask.

    We had 2 kids together, but I was unhappy from the get-go.

    I would have gotten out, but he got sick with MS.

    As he became increasingly dependant, I found myself lost and lonely.

    I asked him, if I met someone else, would he want me to leave or would he just not want to know about it. He chose not to know.

    So I stuck with him. After 5 more years, he was completely disabled and I had to run everything. Plus, no sex, no romance, no partner anymore. And it didn't help that I realized, as great of a guy he was, I was never truly in love with him.

    But I stuck with it. We were together 18 years.

    Then a friend introduced me to someone (with the intent that I find a diversion.) That lasted 8 months.

    I met my current YM husband before my late husband passed - shortly before he went into a nursing home.

    Unlike my past relationships (there were 2) my family and my late husband's family knew about Jeremy.

    All I can say is, that first relationship was very intense because I had been "alone" for so long. I actually thought I had fallen in love. Now I can see that he just filled a great need that I had.

    I was lucky that Jeremy was not that first relationship.

    So, if this YM is your first, be careful - I can testify that you may not really be as in control of your feelings as you may think you are. I was CERTAIN that I was going to stay with that first guy. (He wasn't a YM, he was older than me.) But that doesn't matter.

    Just - be careful and proceed slowly. DO try to take time for yourself if you can. That really is decent advice that I have heard.
    Last edited by Kristin; 10-09-2007 at 03:09 AM.

  3. #3
    Harrison Guest
    I have a suggestion, Kristin. I will PM you.

  4. #4
    Mentally_21 Guest
    For those of you that are thinking of leaving a marriage... not sure how to post shortcuts so I hope this works but I gave my opinion/ answer when I started this thread on being careful when embarking on a relationship when a person who is in another relationship
    Last edited by Mentally_21; 10-09-2007 at 01:18 AM. Reason: spelling

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    Kristin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mentally_21 View Post
    For those of you that are thinking of leaving a marriage... not sure how to post shortcuts so I hope this works but I gave my opinion/ answer when I started this thread on being careful when embarking on a relationship when a person who is in another relationship
    Thank you for sharing. I remember that post! Here it is again below:

    Quote Originally Posted by Mentally_21 View Post
    I have read a couple of things in here about people that have fallen in love outside their marriage and I just wanted to give a word of caution because it was a situation I found myself in and there can be pitfalls.
    Briefly I had a stillborn daughter, my mum died 4 months later at 54 and my dad had cancer which I nursed him through and then he died 2 years after my daughter and mum. I found myself grieving in a way totally differnt to my husband and the marraige drifted further and further apart. I started an affair with a YM (married), not to many years younger, 6 in fact, but he had his own set of problems to deal with and I think we used each other as an escape. Anyway we were caught and left our respective spouses to have a full time relationship, others tried to warn us that it wouldn't work as we had to much baggage to sift through but we poohpoohed that idea and ended up getting married. It was a disaster, we both ran away from something rather than confronting it and into each others arms because it was a great 'escape'. The marriage ended quite viciously and I went into therapy for a year to face all the problems I tried to sweep under the carpet in this second relationship, I thought I was on top of things but all I was doing was hiding the problems.
    Why am I bringing this up, because I read things in here that remind me of myself, so many unresolved issues, trying to use new relationships to gloss over old issues and I worry that others may go into things in the throws of lust and escapism rather than moving forward after clearing out excess baggage.
    Please to those of you thinking of moving on, especially those jumping from one relationship to another, think carefully about the reasons why and maybe use a friend as a sounding board to make sure your vision is clear and not clouded by unsolved emotions...
    I hope this is OK to post but I just felt I needed to say it

  6. #6
    Kristin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sheila4pd View Post
    I was in such a situation, and even now after 3 years, I am still processing it.

    I have told my story before. I would have to find it here. Or post it tomorrow if this thread is still civilized.

    It will be Sheila. I will request that the MODs respect my wishes on this thread and delete any "uncivilized" posts.

    I have requested that ONLY people who have actually walked in these shoes post. Judgemental posts by people who have not will be moderated.

    This is NOT a debate nor a discussion of differing views and such posts attempting to make it that should be deleted.

    They can start their own thread in Debate or Discussion.

  7. #7
    HighwayStar Guest
    Well, I think some of you at least know what happened to me - though I wasn't the married one, in spite of being the OW. Of course, my relationship with my SO in RL didn't start until after he'd been legally separated for three months - even so, we declared our feelings for each other (via email) before his separation, and this is something my conscience sometimes struggles with. Technically, he's still married, so according to the law in some states we may be committing adultery (which of course I don't believe)... However, as I stated on previous occasions, his marriage had been over for years when we met (online), and they only stayed together because of their 3 kids.

    It's quite ironic, because I had always steered clear of married men before - though of course I know I didn't wreck a happy home, but rather helped a man who'd lost any hope for the future to find happiness again.

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    Kristin's Avatar
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    The second man I dated was legally separated. He had been for 10 years. He thought he was divorced until I looked up the case on the court website!

    Even though they were on the way to divorce and had been leagally separated for so long, I was still called a jezabel by his family and her when he was killed. They accused me of "keeping him" from them & blamed me for his death. I was almost kept from the funeral, as well. I had to beg to go - we had known each other for over 15 years (as friends) and been in a relationship for 2.5 years. All he ever told ANYONE was he couldn't even stand the sound of her voice but he would be civil because of the kids. SHE even had a boyfriend!

    So, no, I don't think being separated is the same as being married and living together at all. But I'm not religious either, so I don't see that a legal divorce changes anything in the "eyes of god" or what not.

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    whiterose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristin View Post
    It will be Sheila. I will request that the MODs respect my wishes on this thread and delete any "uncivilized" posts.

    I have requested that ONLY people who have actually walked in these shoes post. Judgemental posts by people who have not will be moderated.

    This is NOT a debate nor a discussion of differing views and such posts attempting to make it that should be deleted.

    They can start their own thread in Debate or Discussion.

    We mods will moderate when a poster has violated the rules and we have been made aware of it. We can help try to keep the conversation on topic if you need us to, but we won't be censoring people.

    What we can do, is to split discussions that take the conversation into a different direction into a new thread, or encourage the poster to start a new thread on the topic.

    You'll need to use the report a post feature in order for us to be aware of what you need, however, as we can't always read the threads.

  10. #10
    One of a Kind Guest

    My story..

    I am separated, but still living with him. he was disabled in a car accident more than 17 years ago. I feel it is my duty, my obligation, to take care of him until he goes to a nursing home (which will eventually happen). He is 18.5 years older than me, so I was the yw for a long time......
    I waited a LONG TIME for him to get better. I longed for a partner again-I was lonely. But, I was determined to remain faithful and loyal.
    I finally realized that he would never recover from his brain injury. So, after years of abusing my body, and depending on my kids to make me happy, I took control of my life. I lost weight, and realized that only *I* can make me happy.
    And yes, I have a ym in my life. I adore him. He makes me feel special. He is my soft place to fall. He knows everything about my life. Will we be together forever? No-but we have developed a deep and abiding friendship that will survive.
    Does my IS (ill spouse) know? I believe he suspects-we just don't talk about it.
    All of my friends know. My sister knows.
    And I am happy. I have a whole group of younger friends that I hang out with. We have wild, crazy times. I am living again. And I have this warm, safe place in the arms of my ym, which still amazes me every day...
    Judge me if you must...it rolls off of me.....I would not wish this on anyone.
    gnothiseauton likes this.

  11. #11
    Kristin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whiterose View Post
    We mods will moderate when a poster has violated the rules and we have been made aware of it. We can help try to keep the conversation on topic if you need us to, but we won't be censoring people.

    What we can do, is to split discussions that take the conversation into a different direction into a new thread, or encourage the poster to start a new thread on the topic.

    You'll need to use the report a post feature in order for us to be aware of what you need, however, as we can't always read the threads.
    That's what I figured and I was planning to use the report post feature, Kat. I didn't expect you to delete a post entirely, but move it to it's own thread like you've done in the past when people get off topic.

    Thanks!

    When discussing controversial subjects (such as those dealing with moral/political issues), members should make every effort to show courtesy to others who might not share their opinions. Any debate of a personal nature should be conducted by way of private messages rather than in the public forums. In all discussions (whether conducted publicly or privately), please remain polite; respecting other members and the community as a whole.
    Considering this is a VERY personal subject for those posting, I believe any debate of the personal stories & situations here should be conducted away from the public forum and in PMs.


    Also, showing courtesy and respecting other members, I would hope my wishes would be repected as clearly stated at the beginning of this thread.

    Isn't anyone who still comes into this thread and tries to debate or chastise clearly being disrespectful and discourteous?
    Last edited by Kristin; 10-09-2007 at 09:44 AM.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by maggiemaync View Post
    Judge me if you must...it rolls off of me.....I would not wish this on anyone.
    No judging here, Maggie. I've been there.

    One thing I will say that I was not prepared for was the double life.

    Because I was involved with the other relationship (especially the co-dependant one with the separated alcoholic) I lost a lot - my house, my business and time with my children.

    If I had to do it all over again, I would risk that people would think me an evil person for divorcing a sick person, because I KNOW that it would have been better for EVERYONE had I done that.

    I still could have cared for and been involved with my ill spouse even divorced. But I was the love of HIS life, even if he was not mine, and everyone kept telling me how I meant everything to him and how he would DIE if he didn't have me. That is a lot to put on someone's shoulders.

    But all of the secrets ended up keeping me from my family & my career and I truly regret that. I am still trying to clean up that mess.

    So, that is another thing that I would warn people of - you may think that not leaving the relationship - for whatever reason - is better, but living a double life can be more harmful than you think.

    I thought I could do it all - support my ill spouse yet have a happy life outside of that misery and sorrow.

    I did, but at what cost? I hope I haven't screwed up my kids for life. They seem OK, but who knows?

  13. #13
    Kristin's Avatar
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    Sheila, a perfect example that everything is black and white. There is a LOT of grey area.

    Interesting article:

    http://www.authorsden.com/categories...id=57&id=28879

    Cheating and Infidelity Statistics: Are Men Cheating More Than Women
    By Stephany Alexander


    Do you think men are cheating more than women? Find out in our suprising cheating and infidelity statistics.

    Cheating and Infidelity Statistics: Are Men Cheating More Than Women

    Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship. Do these infidelity statistics seem a bit startling? What these findings suggest is that approximately one half of all married men and women do seek intimacy outside of their committed relationships. But what does this really mean and why are the number of men and women having extramarital affairs so high?

    This may come as a complete surprise, but most extramarital affairs are not about sex. What then, is the main factor that causes infidelity? One should pay attention to the reason most people find intimacy with someone outside of their marriage is because their emotional needs are not being met. Yes, it is true in most cases of infidelity about wanting to feel emotionally connected to someone.
    One should realize that suggestions might not be particularly popular, especially among men and women who are on the receiving end of the infidelity. Obviously, finding out that your spouse or partner has cheated on you is shocking and painful. Realizing that you are just another number that adds to the infidelity statistic is not something you would like to flaunt.

    According to a poll over over 1,100 women conducted by http://www.WomanSavers.com, over 62% of women thought that men cheat more than women. However, in a similar WomanSaver’s poll of over 850 women, only 67% said they would never cheat on their partner. According to the current infidelity statistics 60% of men and 40% of women are involved in extramarital affairs. These figures are even more drastic when the total numbers of marriages are considered. Because it is less likely that all the men and women having extramarital affairs do happen to be married to each other. At least half of the women having affairs are married to men are not included in the 60% of men having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in about 80% of all marriages.

    With this study you can see that many marriages are getting affected and it is unreasonable to think affairs are due to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives. Leave alone the entire world, only in U S, 17% of divorces are caused by unknown misconceptions such as infidelity. There exists even stronger evidence, which proves that there is a high correlation between on-line infidelity and subsequent real-time sexual affairs.

    The reality is that there are a lot of unsatisfying and empty relationships out there, but however, the reason why infidelity statistics are as high as they are is because people place a higher value on their careers, children, friends or hobbies and not on their relationships with their partners. Think about it, when you neglect any of these areas, it is just a matter of time before they deteriorate and ultimately lead to its untimely death. The failure in the relationship becomes imminent. The bottom line is that if you want to avoid becoming yet another case that adds to the infidelity statistic, then you must nurture and prioritize your relationship with your spouse or partner. As you may have already figured out, unlike planes, relationships cannot be maintained on "auto-pilot".

    Written by Stephany Alexander, http://www.WomanSavers.com ©

  14. #14
    One of a Kind Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Kristin View Post
    No judging here, Maggie. I've been there.

    One thing I will say that I was not prepared for was the double life.

    Because I was involved with the other relationship (especially the co-dependant one with the separated alcoholic) I lost a lot - my house, my business and time with my children.

    If I had to do it all over again, I would risk that people would think me an evil person for divorcing a sick person, because I KNOW that it would have been better for EVERYONE had I done that.

    I still could have cared for and been involved with my ill spouse even divorced. But I was the love of HIS life, even if he was not mine, and everyone kept telling me how I meant everything to him and how he would DIE if he didn't have me. That is a lot to put on someone's shoulders.

    But all of the secrets ended up keeping me from my family & my career and I truly regret that. I am still trying to clean up that mess.

    So, that is another thing that I would warn people of - you may think that not leaving the relationship - for whatever reason - is better, but living a double life can be more harmful than you think.

    I thought I could do it all - support my ill spouse yet have a happy life outside of that misery and sorrow.

    I did, but at what cost? I hope I haven't screwed up my kids for life. They seem OK, but who knows?
    I have learned how to compartmentalize my "lives". My friends definitely bleed over into my family life.....my ym, while separate from it all, has hung out with me and my friends.

    My oldest, I believe, suspects something.....and last fall, he said to me "Mom, I get it about Dad and you. If you want a boyfriend, go for it. And I don't want to talk about this again..."
    We were out to lunch On sunday, and 2 elderly ladies walked in, in their church dresses, and their bifocals. he saw me looking at them, and I whispered "oh, I don't want to get old..." I didn't think he heard me. My oldest son, oh-so-wise at nearly 17 leaned over to me and said "So live your life NOW, Mom." And he patted my arm.

    It all comes back to that sudden realization last fall that I didn't want to wake up at 70-old and bitter because life had passed me by. WIth no friends, no memories of good times, or loving someone......that's what spurred me....
    I don't like the double life, but for now, it's ok. I am sure things will change and evolve.....

  15. #15
    gorillagirl Guest
    I think it's normal and natural to want love, connection, companionship. When that dies in a primary relationship, it's absolutely obvious that the next step is to find that bliss elsewhere. I am no saint and I have never been sexually monogamous in any long term relationship. I am not a "sl_t" though. But when my man isn't there for me in the way I want/need, I have had a tendency to stray. (I've had 3 LTRs in my 45 years- the longest one lasting over 10 years).
    I'm not proud of it but I can't say that I would never do it again. It's not in my nature to cheat but it is in my nature to need sex and/or fun/brief romance when I'm not getting any. For me, every time I've had a fling, I have always come back to wanting to make things better with my partner but we always ended breaking up. Having an affair ended two long term relationships. I don't recommend it but I certainly know exactly why we desire it, need it, pursue it. Absolutely. No judgment to us who have done it in the past but I will TRY to talk EVERYONE out of it in present time. It doesn't solve problems. It often makes problems worse.

    I was always the attached person with a non-attached "flinger."

    I never EVER tried to take another woman's man and I never will.

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