Thread: Young boyfriend's friends

My boyfriend is 20. He's currently taking some flack from his friends about not spending as much time with them lately as he used to (we've been dating about 6-7 months). I've seen this all before, over and over, when I was younger, and with my younger friends. Nothing new here. The thing is, it sounds as though they are being all, You are going to lose all your friends because of this. To be fair, he's a really busy guy. He's not with me 24/7. He works, goes to school, plays sports, spends time with me, AND spends time with a different group of friends. But of course they see it as all my doing.

Do they just have to deal with it? He could make slightly more effort to spend time with them, but it would be because he felt obligated to, largely. Normally, it would make sense for them to get to know me a little, maybe for all of us to go out. But... I don't really fit in with them much. They aren't his closest friends, more like party buddies. And I am 10 years older.

What do I say to help smooth things out? I feel like I should have some words of wisdom, since I have been through this before. But things never really resolved themselves well in the past... situations like this really show you who your REAL friends are. Anyone else have problems like this?

Thanks!

When Robin and I first started dating, he had a hard time stretching himself between me, his friends, and his child (who was 3 at the time). Before me, he would put his child to bed, wait until he was asleep, and get his stepmom to watch him while he went out for a little while. When we met, and then he moved in 5 months later, the dynamics changed. He wanted to be here with me instead of out, but he didn't want to lose his friends. I went to a couple of parties with him, but the guys were always playing video games while the rest watched, and the girls basically treated me like a disease! We're 16 years apart. Anyway, over time it all got worked out.

There are a couple of Robin's friends, 3 actually, that I really like and they really like me. We hang out with them on a regular basis. Some of the other ones who are just too immature for me are basically too immature for him too, so he only sees them at an occassional party. Robin's best friend I don't have a lot in common with, so I do go out with those two sometimes but sometimes they just go out by themselves and I go out with my friends. Robin likes my friends and doesn't have a problem hanging out with them, and they like him. It is nice though, to just have a girl's night out now and then.

Anyway, it's all about balance. He needs to spend time with his friends, but he doesn't need to be obligated. He should just do it when he feels like it. That's what Robin does. Trust me, when those guys get serious girlfriends, they won't be all that available either!

It shouldn't matter what his friends think. If he really cares about you it shouldn't bother him either. Just as long as he doesn't dis' them or kick them to the curb, then they should understand that he is dating. Nothing against your boyfriends age here, but I'm sure he has some friends that are under 20 and at those ages, some are still worried about getting cooties! I would wait to see what he does, but wouldn't worry about it. Obviously you are with him for his maturity level so I'm sure he knows how to handle his friends.

joe

Here Here Joe *three cheers*. Needless to say, I agree with the Sarg over there.

I think his friends are really just going to have to deal with it.

But then again I don't have too many out of school friends. Almost all my friends are here on the internet, everyone else I see at school. . .so my time doesn't have too many reservations on it. I guess because of that I spend a lot of my time with my Lady. Anyway, i'm sure his friends'll get used to it.

One thing you might try to do is make friends with them. I can understand it being hard to become friends with your sig. others friends. I've made friends with Lady's adult friends. . and like I said all my friends are in-school friends so she hasn't met hardly any of them.

Anyway, thats what I have to say

Steve

Thanks, all of you! I think you are all correct. I remember when I was 18 and my best friend had her first serious boyfriend, and I freaked on her, calling her selfish, etc. because she wasn't spending as much time with me. The next day I realized how wrong I was and wrote her a note to apologize. She forgave me and everything was fine.

He isn't going to sacrifice time with me to see them. He tells me all the time that I am his number one priority, and that spending time with me is the most important thing in the world.

I just hope he knows that his friends really just don't understand; I hope he doesn't somehow think he's done something wrong. I'm glad his friends care about him enough to miss him. I just wish they had serious girlfriends (none of them has a girlfriend). Polly, you are right... they will soon enough!

Thanks again!

Hey! I'm resurrecting this thread! The reason is this: the main guy from the group of friends that had a problem with me 4 years ago is MAD AT ME!!

It's kind of funny, really, but I am a little upset about this...

So I've never gotten along with this one guy, we'll call him SB. We don't make eye contact with each other (I don't look at him because I know he's going to ignore me, and it makes me really uncomfortable). You know that feeling you get when you just KNOW someone doesn't like you? Well, when I feel that way from someone, I tend to just avoid them. I don't care to change their mind, and it doesn't really hurt me or anything, but it makes me feel really awkward if I have to be around them.

In addition to never making eye contact, he basically acts as though he doesn't notice me, ever... in other words, he pretty much completely ignores me. I've changed my mind about some of my ym's friends with whom I initially did not get along -- I get along great with some of them now (and I get along with almost all of his other friends... we are only talking about one particular group right now). But this guy, SB, acts like I don't exist.

Once he had a birthday party, and my ym dragged me along (I didn't want to go, for the reasons stated above). But I figured I'd give him a chance, and extend the olive branch somewhat -- so I bought the guy some liquor shots and brought them to him at his party. He said thanks, was polite and everything, but then a little while later he said, "Let's all do shots!" and then proceeded to pour shots for everyone there EXCEPT me. My ym said, "Hey, what about PinkCat...?" and SB appeared not to have heard him. So everyone did a shot but me. Whatever, it wasn't a huge deal, but just typical of his COMPLETELY ignoring me! I just thought, "What an *****, oh well" kind of thing. But my ym has been friends with him since they were little tikes so I understand that he still wants to have a relationship with him and wouldn't dream of trying to make him drop him as a friend, etc. I just prefer (okay, that's an understatement) to not be around the guy.

Anyway, my ym is having a bbq this weekend, and he's been planning it forever. It's just 6-7 of us, my ym's best friend (we'll call the best friend HM), my friend, a couple mutual friends, that sort of thing.

Yesterday, my ym received a text from HM's phone number, saying, "Do you mind if I bring SB on Saturday?" So my ym responded, "I will have to check with PinkCat because she is sort of so-so about SB". Well, a few minutes later, he gets another text from HM's phone number saying, "This is actually SB using HM's phone. I hate you and I hate PinkCat". Very mature, huh?

So my ym has been texting back and forth with the guy and after SB first saying, "You are dead to me" to my ym, they have come to an understanding and are cool with each other. But SB has said, "I used to like PinkCat before this but not anymore." GAWD, I feel like I'm in junior high here... NO, he did NOT LIKE PINKCAT before this, because he has always treated PinkCat as a non-entity. Indifference can be very hurtful!

Anyway, just venting. Most of my ym's friends are very mature, as is he. But this guy just gets under my skin. ARGH!!

Originally Posted by PinkCat

My boyfriend is 20. He's currently taking some flack from his friends about not spending as much time with them lately as he used to (we've been dating about 6-7 months). I've seen this all before, over and over, when I was younger, and with my younger friends. Nothing new here. The thing is, it sounds as though they are being all, You are going to lose all your friends because of this. To be fair, he's a really busy guy. He's not with me 24/7. He works, goes to school, plays sports, spends time with me, AND spends time with a different group of friends. But of course they see it as all my doing.

Do they just have to deal with it? He could make slightly more effort to spend time with them, but it would be because he felt obligated to, largely. Normally, it would make sense for them to get to know me a little, maybe for all of us to go out. But... I don't really fit in with them much. They aren't his closest friends, more like party buddies. And I am 10 years older.

What do I say to help smooth things out? I feel like I should have some words of wisdom, since I have been through this before. But things never really resolved themselves well in the past... situations like this really show you who your REAL friends are. Anyone else have problems like this?

Thanks!

Geez you too? They haven't directly said it to him but you can tell in their actions and that tinge of jealousy. We get it from his younger brother, best friend, and sometimes his mom. LOL

They have to deal with it. He's not with you as much as they think he is and he should tell them that. When he's away at his games and things they probably think he's with you which is not the case. Tell your boyfriend to speak up! He has every right to spend as much time with you as he wants. Sure they'll get jealous but as long as he's trying his best to hang with his buddies and not talk to his friends much about the relationship while he is with them then it should be gravy.

They're just jealous that he has a fabulous older woman like yourself!

Originally Posted by PinkCat

Yesterday, my ym received a text from HM's phone number, saying, "Do you mind if I bring SB on Saturday?" So my ym responded, "I will have to check with PinkCat because she is sort of so-so about SB". Well, a few minutes later, he gets another text from HM's phone number saying, "This is actually SB using HM's phone. I hate you and I hate PinkCat". Very mature, huh?

That's kind of funny the way SB tried to sneak an invite to your party!!! Haha

My YM prefers my company to his friends also. When he first moved to my area, we went to a few car meets and rustled him up about 4 or 5 buddies with similar interests etc... of that group, we are down to one friend. One guy moved back home to Canada, another is in California now. Also, over time, they all would do stupid stuff to let my YM down. There were also a couple of fringe acquaintances from being a friend's roommate, but those guys turned out to be users and also one tended to drink too much and do stupid ****. We banished two of them. And this last friend is treading on thin ice because of some of his life philosophies that are starting to clash with ours. Little things like he tags buildings, won't wear a bicycle helmet, smokes a little too much pot, then two weeks ago, we were shocked to hear him tell my YM that he stole a bike seat and wheels from a bike that wasn't locked up properly. Apparently, years ago, someone did the same to him and also he figured that if he hadn't, someone else would have. And this guy makes okay money too.

Otherwise, the guys that work with my YM like to go out drinking on Thursday nights, but he went once out of politeness, but he doesn't like the bar scene and finds it wasteful moneywise. I have offered to drop him off and to give him a ride home later on if he wants to drink it up with him. My YM is very careful about not mixing drinking with driving.

I do encourage my YM to go out with his buddies. A weekend night is okay with me as I get to see him the whole rest of the week. He's met most of my friends and he gets along well with them. Some I don't see very much as they are also wrapped up with their own families.

This guy sound's like a real *********....why does your y/m like someone so juvenile? Also, why would he allow his friend to disrespect you at all............ever???
As to the BBQ, I would allow him to come..I guess. I would probably, after the party but befor he leaves, try to sort it out with him yourself. If he still cannot respect you or your relationship...I would, very maturely, tell him where he can stick it
Blessings, TD

Originally Posted by PinkCat

.....So my ym has been texting back and forth with the guy and after SB first saying, "You are dead to me" to my ym, they have come to an understanding and are cool with each other. But SB has said, "I used to like PinkCat before this but not anymore." GAWD, I feel like I'm in junior high here... NO, he did NOT LIKE PINKCAT before this, because he has always treated PinkCat as a non-entity. Indifference can be very hurtful!

Anyway, just venting. Most of my ym's friends are very mature, as is he. But this guy just gets under my skin. ARGH!!

Hi, PinkCat...

Just thought I'd share some thoughts -- even though you were just venting.

IMHO you shouldn't have let SB get away with the silent treatment for so long and let it build up to this point. He's obviously a creep and immature, but hey, let's assume that his parents raised him that way, and he can't help his "creepiness."

Whenever I'm the older person in a rudeness scenario, I try to be the bigger person. So I wouldn't have tolerated him ignoring me for four years; even if he couldn't make eye-contact, the fact of him being a close friend of a loved one means I would've forced the issue. I'd have gone right up in his face and said "Hey SB how's it going?" "How's school going?" etc.

But then I'm a guy and we get off on those alpha-male confrontations.

You definitely did the right thing by getting him a present even if he's too much of a jerk to reciprocate niceness.



P.S. To really freak him out, next time give him a big hug and a kiss.

Originally Posted by tinydancer

This guy sound's like a real *********....why does your y/m like someone so juvenile? Also, why would he allow his friend to disrespect you at all............ever???
As to the BBQ, I would allow him to come..I guess. I would probably, after the party but befor he leaves, try to sort it out with him yourself. If he still cannot respect you or your relationship...I would, very maturely, tell him where he can stick it
Blessings, TD

I totally agree, but consider that Pinkcat's YM inadvertently made her the "heavy" in this. He said "I will have to check with PinkCat because she is sort of so-so about SB" instead of saying "I'll have to think about that because SB hasn't been very nice to PinkCat in the past." Plus SB was using HM's phone, so HM was in the background while SB was being called out. Maybe HM was even making fun of SB at the same time all of this texting was going on.

And I am not blaming PinkCat's YM for any of this either. What he did I find very typical of all guys. They hate to be the bad guy, and will use their woman to execute their dirty work. For instance, my dad would always ask my mom to do the firing of the bad employees for him. My friend who married the Frenchman and who didn't want to eat dinner at her in-laws house several times a week early in their marriage, her husband would say on the phone, "well E doesn't want us to go over for dinner tonight." Even when the matter has been discussed and the action agreed by both in the relationship, the men just don't like taking the credit for negative decisions.

Originally Posted by miu

I totally agree, but consider that Pinkcat's YM inadvertently made her the "heavy" in this.

I agree. Honestly, he doesn't get why I'd be bothered by this guy. This guy obviously thinks very little of me and I can see that. I think my bf thinks that I just shouldn't care. If someone didn't like my bf, he wouldn't care or internalize it in any way. So I'm frustrated by my bf's sort of lack of understanding.

But I guess only mildly because really... I have much more to worry about in my life besides this, you know? It's just so stupid.

But miu, I agree... he did make me the heavy here. And I pointed that out to him and he didn't see it that way.

Originally Posted by PinkCat

But miu, I agree... he did make me the heavy here. And I pointed that out to him and he didn't see it that way.

Men think differently than women. So always remember that. I think that they have different standards for their buddies than we do, and also it's because of their age. What I see sometimes is that my YM has a general set of friends that he will be happy doing basic stuff like a bbq with or boy stuff like setting off fireworks. And as long as no one does anything hugely stupid during their hijinks, they get to stay in the club (which I used to call "man club"). This is unlike women and their friends. I believe that when we have people that we call our friends, there is more trust, and we share confidences and deeper thoughts that the menfolk are doing. So we are doing more emoting and the guys are out to have a good time and get their adrenaline rushes in. Later on, the man club thins out as some of the drinking buddies turn into full blown alcoholics and they just start to grow up. And for some reason, many people in their twenties seem to think that life is over at 30. We know that this is not true, but until then, they play.

The important thing is that you know and we know that your YM should not have made you the heavy. Otherwise, I told my YM your story and he found it hilarious that this SB character tried to con an invite to your party by pretending to be HM. That is kind of sad and pathetic on SB's part.

About that shot thing, were other girls at the party and did they get offered shots? I was just wondering if you got excluded because SB considered it a boys only thing to do? Do you like shots? And better yet, could you drink SB under the table? j/k!!! But it would be funny if you challenged him and you won.

Now about your party. You said that your YM "has been planning it forever"... so would you consider it more his party or is it a joint/equal effort? If it's been more his effort then that's why SB probably wants to come more than it being you as a couple throwing a party. Just a picky point.

But if you YM has been planning it forever then he has probably been telling all his young friends about it forever also... and then SB hearing HM talking about him going, wanted to tag along also.

Otherwise, I understand your point of view and would not want to drink or break bread with this SB person either. And your YM should be more in agreement with not having him there. It sounds like he is halfway there in attitude as at least his first instinct was that SB shouldn't be there. Just keep in mind that this halfway attitude is not being disloyal to you. Probably your YM's idea of a great party is a lively event with the drinking of more shots and less about being a quieter gathering of close friends conversing and eating delicious food. What's the breakdown of food and booze for your bbq?

Ugh Pink, how upsetting! Enough is enough. If you need to resurrect a 4 year old thread then I think the time has come for a final resolution.

I would request that your boyfriend step in and get the three of you somewhere public (so no one can scream) and address the whole issue.

Both of you should lay it all out on the table and either you resolve what could be a misunderstanding on both parts or come to a civil agreement when within each other's company. And you may find that it was the silliest thing that ticked him off which can finally be resolved since he doesn't apparently have the nads to come to you and work it out.

Why do we always make things harder than they need to be? If he's so offended then why not be an adult and sit down and talk it out. People blow my mind with their inability to grasp this concept. Both of you could move past this stupidity if he'd be willing. You've made it obvious you're willing.

I'm sorry, but no one should have to entertain someone this rude after 4 years regardless of how long great of buds they are. Because if he's such a great friend then he should have also want a resolution that makes things comfortable for his 'bud', right?

And, at this point, I'm sure you would at least like some honest resolution instead of this high school crap.

Request it. It's not unreasonable. What would be unreasonable is his friend throwing a tantrum and saying no. And when he does it, which I expect, it is your boyfriend's place to step up and say, "If you are my friend then you'll respect my lady even if you don't like her, because the next time she extends you an olive branch and you smack her with it, you'll deal with me. Capiche?"

Hugs Pink, friends can be your worst enemy sometimes!

Originally Posted by AngelAngel

it is your boyfriend's place to step up and say, "If you are my friend then you'll respect my lady even if you don't like her, because the next time she extends you an olive branch and you smack her with it, you'll deal with me. Capiche?"

Yes! Well said!

I talked about this thread some more with my YM tonight. He agrees that your YM wrongly threw you under the bus by the way he phrased his reply. And we also talked a bit about how young men view their friends. And he also felt that very young men form these loose groups of friends that aren't necessarily best real friends, but more like partners for good times and some hijinks. And the only stipulation to be part of the group is not to mess up a party situation or be a tattletale. And they all want to feel accepted by the group and dislike situations of strife. And like a pack of dogs, even the outcasts still hang on the fringe and wait to be accepted back in after serving their timeout.

So SB may think that he hasn't done anything concretely awful to deserve being permanently cast out of your YM's life. And what makes it awkward is that SB probably hasn't pissed off any of the other male friends in the gang. So all of the guys like HM in the group still like SB... or at least have no reason to dislike him enough to not talk to him anymore.

Also young men have this awful motto they like to repeat..."bros before hoes." So yes, please calmly ask your YM to tell this SB character to sincerely respect you before he is allowed back into his life and the party.