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Thread: Help please... No judgment :-)

  1. #1
    inthesun Guest

    Help please... No judgment :-)

    I met my current boyfriend eight months ago, when I was 39 and he 25. We get along great, and love each other very much... But when it all started, I thought it was going to be a fling, not to be transformed into something so much more serious. I told him I was 37, now I am 40 and he thinks I'm 38. I feel so depressed about this because I generally do not lie, I simply felt embarrassed back then. I look ten years younger. I am so ashamed because he's such a wonderful person, and I don't know how to tell him now... I had never been out with anyone younger, and that's the reason why I lied... Has anyone been through this? Please, please, no judgment. I feel horrible enough :-( Thanks for anyone's gentle and compassionate advice.

  2. #2
    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    No judgement all but you can not build a relationship on a lie and the longer you let it go on, the harder it will be to fix. I can not believe that if he had no problem with 37 or 38, he would have a problem with 40. One or two years is not gonna make a difference but the fact you lied could. My question would be, why are you ashamed of being 40? Embrace your age, be confident and go ahead and confess.

    I think I would try to keep my confession light hearted and all about how hot he is and really try to deflect as much as you can. It actually can be made out to be funny, they just did it on Hot in Cleveland.

    Just be open to the fact that he may want to know what else is a lie and there might be a problem with trust or he might just find it funny who knows.

  3. #3
    VenusDarkStar Guest
    I never had a problem turning 30, or even 40....but when I hit the big 5-0, I started shaving a few years off my age.....OK, not just a "few"...more like 10. LOL I looked much younger than my real age, and I still do. I guess I was afraid that the young men I was dating would be frightened off by such a high number and not take me seriously.

    When one of my guys became serious about me, I kept up the lie. When he found out by putting 2 + 2 together, he was very upset....NOT about my age, but because I lost his trust. We made a noble effort of trying to stay together, and there WERE other issues that had nothing to do with me...but when all is said and done, what I viewed as just a "little white lie" was the beginning of the end.

    So as I left him behind, I walked away with the knowledge that it's better to not only accept my age, but to embrace it. Besides, I found out very quickly that it was more fun to shock people with my true age than to lie about it.

    Joe knows my true age and was not only accepting, but even more attracted to me because of it. Moral of the story is to always remain true to yourself, and if he's the right guy, numbers won't even matter.

  4. #4
    Redhead's Avatar
    Redhead is offline Senior Member
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    I agree with what the others said, i.e. that 37 or 40 makes no difference and that you should tell him ASAP. Tell him you did something childish (which is no lie! LOL), you made yourself 3 years younger because you had never had a younger date, and you felt insecure about how he would handle the age gap. Assure him that this was the only lie and that you feel have a guilty conscience and hope he can forgive you.

    Something along those lines.

    I never made myself younger, but my last bf made himself 4 years older. However, after the second date he told me.

  5. #5
    VenusDarkStar Guest
    This may seem a little morbid to some, but it strikes me as funny now, in a twisted sort of way.....

    My late mother was in a long term relationship with a younger man...about 15 years her junior. When they first met, she told him she was 69, because to her, that didn't sound as old as 70. At least she was, allegedly, in her 60's.

    When she passed, she was with her boyfriend, so he was the first one at the hospital. Since the hospital admin didn't have any official records yet, they just asked him how old she was...and at that point, to his knowledge, she was 71, when in reality, she was 72.

    So this man never knew my mother's exact age until the day she died. I always thought it was so silly to shave just one year off your age, when she could have easily taken 5 or more. OH wait, actually she DID..when SHE was 50, and dating men in their 30's. Later on I guess she figured it would be too hard to explain, considering 3 grown children. But at one point she even lied about OUR ages. LOL God I miss her!

  6. #6
    Redhead's Avatar
    Redhead is offline Senior Member
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    Your mother sure was cool.

  7. #7
    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    the only year I really hated was 39 and that is because so many people say that when they are actually older people kept saying no, how old are you really? I finally just said forty to keep that from happening. I could easily pass for early 30's but I always stay true to my age mainly cause its nice to look so much younger and see the shock.

  8. #8
    laurad121 is offline Senior Member
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    When I first started up with my boyfriend I did the same thing. I said I was 37 instead of 40. I told him pretty early on saying I was afraid of him thinking I was too old since I had a problem with turning 40 but now know age is just a number. I also said I wanted to be honest since I really like him. He said he had already figured it out b/c when I would tell him stories about my past the year didn't add up. I think if you don't make a big deal about it and just be honest it will be fine but do it sooner rather than later so the lie doesn't go on any longer than need be.

  9. #9
    gorillagirl Guest
    Just leave your driver's license sitting out...just kidding. Tell him. He won't care at all.

  10. #10
    Angel's Avatar
    Angel is offline Anger Thrives In A Fool
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    Quote Originally Posted by inthesun View Post
    I met my current boyfriend eight months ago, when I was 39 and he 25. We get along great, and love each other very much... But when it all started, I thought it was going to be a fling, not to be transformed into something so much more serious. I told him I was 37, now I am 40 and he thinks I'm 38. I feel so depressed about this because I generally do not lie, I simply felt embarrassed back then. I look ten years younger. I am so ashamed because he's such a wonderful person, and I don't know how to tell him now... I had never been out with anyone younger, and that's the reason why I lied... Has anyone been through this? Please, please, no judgment. I feel horrible enough :-( Thanks for anyone's gentle and compassionate advice.
    Hecks yeah! I can't even begin to count the number of women (and men!) who have lied about their age and came to Ageless for support because they felt embarrassed or scared to be honest. Most lied for the same reason you did; thinking it harmless. Only to find out, suddenly, it is potentially harmful!

    My husband lied about his age (saying he was older) and I lied about my age (saying I was younger). Like you, it wasn't a large deception (meaning in years). I fibbed by 5 he fibbed by 10 (or close to that)! I came clean first because I was beginning to develop feelings for him and hated I had lied to him. I never expected anything to develop with him so when it did I felt like a heel. I was so scared when I told him and built up this huge mountain in my mind. When I told him he laughed at me. When he came clean it took a bit more than a laugh to overcome because he told me he was 20-something when he was really 18!!!

    Tell him the truth, don't let him discover it (even by a set-up). He deserves to hear it from you, because when we love and value someone we hold sacred their right to make decisions for themselves based on all the facts, just as we do for ourselves. So don't deny him that right, even if the risk is losing him. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't be nearly as big of a deal as you fear it will be. After all, if I could overcome the shock of finding out my 20-something crush was 18 and go on to date and marry him (he's now almost 25) I think your guy can handle loving a woman who is 2 years older than he originally thought. You can do this!

    Last edited by Angel; 02-06-2012 at 07:53 PM.
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  11. #11
    kitkat620's Avatar
    kitkat620 is offline wishful thinker
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    In my opinion, if it's eating you up inside that you're older than you first said, i would sit him down and tell him exactly the way you put it in your post. be honest with him now about it. I'm sure he will understand. It's not worth losing any more sleep over. Get it over with now.
    "We must become the change we want to see."
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  12. #12
    Ellethe's Avatar
    Ellethe is offline Ex-Marcy'd
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    My husband made himself a few years older when we met online. Obviously it wasn't a deal breaker cuz we're about to celebrate our 7th anniversary in a week or so.
    Psycho hatchet wielding midgets deserve to die

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