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Thread: Ho Hum

  1. #1
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    Ho Hum

    I'm only really writing this to air my thoughts and see it in black and white. I made a post I think was a couple of months ago about my relationship of 4 years which had reached a point where it was decided to just remain friends and not be a couple - not because we fell out of love or didn't get along, but we mutually felt there were too many obstacles and primarily none acceptance from his surroundings to really make it viable to carry on. We were friends for about 1.5 years before we became a couple and so it seemed most logical to remain as friends and not just dissapear out of each others lives.

    The problem I had at the time was I wanted to get away and lick my wounds and my YM wanted to remain in contact and as regular as before the decission was made to just be friends. I was given the advice here to have some time with no contact, but that proved to be hard as my YM fought against it and so even though I just wanted to dissapear for a while, I met his request and we've and still do to today remain in contact daily. The decission and the subsequent weeks/months after have been pretty hard on us both. I've been actively shortening the time we spend together in these last weeks, purely to get him out of my mind and out of a 'limbo state' I felt I was in. He's noticed this and commented on it that ' he understands why' although I didn't tell him before hand what I was doing, I just slowly made myself not so available. It's been driving me up the wall that he's constantly in my head, and although I don't feel as 'raw' as I did when we first broke up, I still do have feelings for him as I know he does me. It really does suck monkey balls to part from someone you love and care for because its the 'right thing to do' and not because you want to.

    I've no desire or inclination to go searching for someone else and neither has he, but its not with the aim to maybe get back together, it's just neither of us are in the right place atm emotionally to want to take on someone new. For the most part im 'OK' with how things have transpired between us but ocassionally I have nostaligic moments where I feel a little sad and reflectful about us. These past months have been emotionally exhausting, you know when you just feel like 'Oh just wake me up when its all over'. I realised the other week that there was still a LOT of 'flirting' going on, more from his side and to a certain degree me too, hard habit to break after 4 years I guess and that isn't helping either of us move on.

  2. #2
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    I don't know the details surrounding the obstacles, but are you 100% that the romantic chapter of your relationship is over? Are you sure you can't get past the obstacles? It sounds as if there's still a lot of love there, and it must be maddening trying to pretend you're just friends.

    I'm sure it will get better and easier with time. But unfortunately, that doesn't stop it from sucking monkey balls now

    How long ago did you two split?

  3. #3
    Air
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    Soul

    Best Soul,
    I recognise the frustration and the feeling of being madly in love. In your case love seems to be strong from both side. Sounds sad that he
    canīt work obsticals around him to the better for you two. But also said that he has a choice to make - you... If he canīt make that move I suppose
    itīs wonderful to have these feelings towards eacheother but you really should move on. There is probably someone out there who is willing to be with you
    without any doubsm fear or problems. Take care while healing your wounds.
    Navigare necesse est!

  4. #4
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    The feelings are still there on both sides, so in that regard the romance chapter hasnt fully closed yet, but as the time as moved along we've become more accepting of our new roles. It's been a little over 2 months since we made the decission.

    The obstacles we faced were all consuming, infact it spoiled a good amount of our time discussing and theorising on the big black hole that seem to lay ahead of us. We have big culteral differences, age gap, none accepting family and friends amongst other things. I know a lot of AGRS go through this and sometimes with success, but it's not something I felt comfortable with making my YM go through and he was daunted by the prospect too. I know it may sound unromantic and love should conquer all, but I really felt as the older one, it would be selfish of me to let him go through all that he would be faced with ( choosing between his family and me) when he could have it a lot easier. I believe theres more than one person out there for all of us, and with knowing that, there was no justifyable reason in my head that could reason out the sacrifices he would have been called to make just to be with me, when I know theres another me out there somewhere for him without all the hassle - ( ofc my ego likes to think that the other me thats floating out there somewhere, wont be as good as this me if that makes sense ?)




    Time will sort it all out im sure, in the meantime I just have to get used to these big fat monkey balls

  5. #5
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    If there are feelings on both sides, why don't you try again?
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  6. #6
    chi77 Guest
    i think you are both doing the right thing. in the grand scheme of things, two months isn't a long time, 6 months isn't either.

    to me, if you two have created and maintained this distance out of respect for each other's circumstances, it says a lot about your feelings for one another. more than struggling and scratching and clawing to make things happen. it's a very strong statement IMO.

    if this continues and your feelings for each other are sustained, perhaps you will both have confirmation that your relationship is more powerful than the obstacles.
    pinkunicorn likes this.

  7. #7
    Air
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    I can understand your sense of responsibility and not wanting him go through that hassle for you and your relation.

    I had exactly the same feeling as you when I was in contact with a 20 year younger man - always thinking of him and was was best in his life. I thought
    his sacrifice would be too large simply to choose to be with me, it would not make me feel good. In my case he choosed to be with a woman his age.

    But on the other hand I find it sad that it tracks other people decide or approve how you want to live your life. Why should people really put up barriers to their own feelings? In your case, so it's extra sad because you both really like each other. But for pure survival instinct, you may have to break contact with him since it means more pain than that it gives you energy and power?

    Otherwise, I agree with the others who gave you the advice to try again. Somehow it's always sad when two lovers souls may never meet.
    Navigare necesse est!

  8. #8
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks for your support guys, it is very much and genuinly appreciated

    The problem with trying again is those obstacles we faced would be still there. While some sacrifices & turmoil can to be expected, I don't have it in me to let him suffer just for my benifit.


    The last time I felt this poo was when I had to have my dog of 17 years put to sleep, nothing I've ever had to do before and even though I could of taken her home with me to steal an extra couple of precious days with her, I just couldn't do it. I could see she was in physical pain and suffering. She was looking at me with her big brown eyes expecting me to rescue her from the vet. Instead I held her in my arms, betrayed her trust as they injected her, crying and pretending to her everything would be ok.


    Sometimes, however much something hurts you, you have to just let go...

  9. #9
    Air
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    Soul,
    if he really was into you he wouldn't see the difficulties. If he makes you feel bad because of his non-acceptance from other people that isn't what you are worth. I think you should let it go because there are other men out there who are prepared to give what it takes to be with you Take care!
    Navigare necesse est!

  10. #10
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you Air


    Maybe I didn't explain it properly. The decission to be friends was mutual, not something one or either of us pushed onto the other. I know it may come across as either or both of us being weak willed to fight our cause, or didn't love each other enough etc but it really isn't like that, I wish it was tbh, it would be a lot easier for both him and me.

  11. #11
    Air
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    Soul,
    great to hear that both of you wanted to stay friends. I tried to stay friendly with the guy I had an affair with, but he was so occupied with his new girlfriend so he hasn't let me hear anything from him at all for a couple of year now. And that also hurt, cause I think most of all you can keep a friendly contact with eachother. I can see him online but he never says anything to me or pass a greating. As for me I have no romantic feelings left for him. He made his choice and didn't even talk to me about it, just said "he wasn't in love any more". I'm still single but if I heard from him again I should see it just as a friendly chat.

    As for your situation perhaps a contact still is better than nothing? As long as you don't hurt to much och feel that you want more from him perhaps your friendly contact anyhow is good for you? Time will give you more perspective and also a time to think on both side. Just as long as you keep your energy and let him make a move if he wants to change the situation I think you will manage this. He certainly knows that you are withdrawn because not burden him.

    Take care Soul and let us hear hos things work out!
    Navigare necesse est!

  12. #12
    kitkat620's Avatar
    kitkat620 is offline wishful thinker
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    It seems to me that the agreement to remain friends isn't doing either of you any good. I tried that with my ex but it only made me feel sad and guilty when I would see how unhappy he was and how he was continuing to destroy his life by drinking and gambling. So, I decided that minimal contact was needed for my own sanity. I still get the blues over him but without actually having to witness it, it's better for me to handle.
    I have always been a fan of no contact when taking a break from a relationship or breaking up. To me it doesn't help anyone involved to remain friends, especially when there are still obvious feelings involved.
    If you feel that outside circumstances are not going to change, and that you obviously cannot live with those circumstances, why stay involved with each other? Especially since the 'friendship' doesn't seem to be helping either of you, emotionally.
    You're not allowing yourselves the chance of finding someone new. Even if you don't want that now, eventually you will. Try being alone for awhile and getting to know 'you'. I really don't think you can make the right decisions about your relationship or give yourself a chance to heal by being in total contact.
    This, of course, is my own personal opinion based on personal experiences. What works for one may not work for another.
    Do what makes you happy and content.
    "We must become the change we want to see."
    Mahatma Gandhi

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