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Thread: To contact or not to contact?

  1. #1
    grafixgrl's Avatar
    grafixgrl is offline Member
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    To contact or not to contact?

    July 20th marked a year since we were first together (knew each other for about 2 mo before that) and we had a great night, but we had a really good heart-to-heart and laid both our cards on the table and I'm still coming up short. I have been his beck and call girl ever since I fell for him (not on everything but enough that it keeps me wrapped around his little finger) and I just don't want to be that any more...especially since we're not actually committed (his choice..not mine). I mean, we're exclusive without the full monty..kwim? Getting to finally get all my feelings out somehow validated me enough though to feel a sorta "I don't care/I'm not as interested" attitude since he's in a different place than I am. I'm trying to turn the tide back my way by backing waaaaay off because I still love him.

    Anyway, Sunday night he calls me at 11:30 and asks me to come pick him up from a local bar...which I've done several times in the past. I'm thinking..if you got there without me why can't you get home without me? Where are your homies..can't they give you a lift..? Take a taxi..? But NO. He always calls me, and I ALWAYS come to his rescue but I have made the firm decision not to do it anymore so I made a couple of excuses (I know. I should have just said no but I'm in uncharted territory and I'm winging it so..). I told him I'd call him back in 30 min. I never called. After about an hour he started calling and I let it go to voicemail every time. He called about 6x. It made me really nervous because this is not my "normal" behavior and I knew if I answered he'd talk me into it because I'm just too weak when it comes to him and he knows how to work his way around me emotionally and in an argument. He hears "everything" and even things I "don't" say! Just being honest. Anyway, he finally left a voicemail and said he was "hurting" to please call him. Obviously he's not physically injured and I didn't hear any background noise. So he means emotionally and my feeling is that it was pure manipulation...he's used to getting his way. I never called him. His voice sounded so pitiful! And it was obvious that he didn't try to make alternate arrangements...he just waited for me "knowing" I would come. *sigh*

    Now, 4 days later, I'm thinking I should have just text and said I can't do it tonight or something and that just not saying anything was rude. So, last night I reached out with a small insignificant text and had a feeling he wouldn't text back because he's hurt or mad. I was right. No reply. While on the one hand I'm kicking myself for texting (I originally was going to wait for him to contact me) on the other I'm SO close to texting again and telling him not to be mad at me. HELP!

    I'm getting antsy and need help with some perspective, advice..anything.

    Thanks!

    J

  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Sigh... two wrongs do not make a right.... or is it 3 wrongs?

    Ok what to do after 3 wrongs? And just for the record the 3 wrongs are:
    1- Not being forward about your intention of not picking him up
    2- Not answering his calls and leave him wondering
    3- Not calling the next morning to either explain what happened or to give an excuse (lie)
    ooops.. it's 4 wrongs
    4- Texting instead of calling

    So what do you do now? Wait until Monday to see what happens, if nothing happens, you should call (not text) and find out if you are still in a relationship. If you are, tell him that you were tired, and that you did not want to pick him up, but were too tired for a confrontation.

    In my experience, communication is so important when one feels that the relationship is not balanced. Sometimes nothing gets accomplished, then you try again, and again, and again... while there is love, there should be a willingness to fix things.... because eventually if you do not fix things, love dies.

    P.S. I am sorry about the above post, it was late and I meant for it to be humorous... and failed. I do not mean to critizise you, we all make mistakes (I have made a ton myself).
    Last edited by SheLikesKitties; 07-27-2012 at 07:48 AM.
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    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  3. #3
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    The trouble with what you're doing is that it's playing mind games. For all intense and purposes he doesnt know the real reason 'why' you didn't answer his call & blanked him for 4 days, he just knows you left him high and dry.


    Playing mind games is a form of manipulation, and it's what he's been doing with you and now you've just done the same back. While playing this game gets a sometimes momentary fix and desired result if it works, it can also back fire aka you're situ now. If you really want to command respect from him, I think you need to take a deep breath and just be upfront and say NO & explain why. I know thats easier said than done and hard when you feel vunerable and he's calling the shots, but i do feel its maybe the only way to achieve the results you want.

    If you contact him, then I would if i was in your shoes, explain how you're feeling and how you've felt - that for your own sanity and well being will no longer be the doormat you feel you've been this past year or so. You have nothing to lose tbh by doing this. If you keep to what you say, he will either have to jump to your tune to stay in the picture or will dissapear, but you will @ least be released from this cycle you're in.

    If you don't contact him and wait for him, if he does contact and lets say he changes, for how long would you imagine that will last? realistically maybe not very long and nothing will have been achieved. You will ofc feel better & empowered for a short time, but risk slipping back. If you love him, Im guessing your ideal situ is for him to love you equally back, no games, no taking advantage and to be 100% commited, if thats the case, you need to leader the way I think. If you aren't upfront and honest now, it will be much harder further down the line.
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  4. #4
    Redhead's Avatar
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    For heaven's sake - don't contact him to ask him not to be mad at you. This would be equal to dragging yourself thru the mud.
    He has not right to be mad at you. He is always trying to get his way (use you for his purpose), and you are letting him.
    And you need to learn to say no. I used to have a hard time saying no, too, but I got quite good at it.

    Two books that helped me are:
    BARNES & NOBLE | When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith, Random House Publishing Group | NOOK Book (eBook), Paperback, Hardcover, Audiobook
    BARNES & NOBLE | Emotional Blackmail: When the People In Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, HarperCollins Publishers | Paperback, Hardcover
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  5. #5
    gorillagirl Guest
    It's time to really put your cards on the table with this guy. Be brave. The relationship is already damaged/dysfunctional. You really have nothing more to lose and everything to gain by requesting a change in dynamics. If he's unwilling, you now are strong enough to walk away.
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  6. #6
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    Hi. Reading your post made me shake my head 'yes, yes, yes'. Reason being, I had gone through the same things emotionally that you are going through. I, too, had reached the point where I felt I was still being used, emotionally, even after my husband and I split. I would feel sorry for him and would do things like you did, picking him up at a bar to take him home, inviting him over for pizza etc. I finally ended it when I realized I was becoming sadder and sadder whenever I would see or talk to him, even though my intent was to 'be nice'. I had to cut off contact. And yes, it is hard to back away, but it got much easier and you will feel so much better about yourself in the long run. Getting over the initial hump(s) is the hard part, but please hold your ground, stick to your guns, do whatever and be strong. (The only difference between us is that I had fallen out of love with my husband. I know you love him, but don't you love yourself more? If not, you should.)
    It took a few weeks for him to eventually get the hint that things are totally over between us. We couldn't remain friends because it wasn't good for me. Now our contact is minimal if any. And I am so much happier and content.
    In my opinion, you don't owe him an explanation for not going to pick him up. What you did might be a little mind game playing, but it seems your'e dealing with the type of person that only understands this kind of play. Why treat him like a grown-up when he obviously isn't acting like one.
    Growing a backbone takes time, but once you do, you will never let anyone take advantage of you again.
    "We must become the change we want to see."
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  7. #7
    grafixgrl's Avatar
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    Yes!

    Thank you everyone for your advice. SLK, don't give it a second thought. I knew where you were headed and I completely agree. On the other hand, I agree that I don't really owe him an explanation. I can't even tell you the times we have made plans to get together and 3 hrs later I'm calling to see if he is still coming and he'll text and say "raincheck". That's it. No explanation, nothing. Just one word. Yet, he can be so wonderful and so charming and has done so many wonderful things as well. But in those times I feel dumped on and I'm doing my best to turn that around, just don't know how with him. With that said, I am just not the kind of person that turns around and does something to someone because they did it to me first. I am not one to not say I'm sorry if I feel like I've dropped the ball somehow...doesn't matter what has previously happened or what the other person has done in the past. I am definitely one of those people who have a hard time saying NO and I know I need to stop it. For my own sake...love myself more as KitKat said. GG, I agree and that's why we had the heart-to-heart that night. I may need to reinforce my point of view.

    Soul, Readhead, I agree with both of you as well. There IS no reason for him to be upset and yes..to ask that wouldn't be ideal. Yet, as Soul said, I need to NOT play the headgame (which I wasn't trying to do..just don't know how to say no to him right out..thus, the "excuse/lie" instead.) However, I know that I cannot just leave it. No matter the reasons I cannot just continue like this and ignore the situation. It just feels wrong to do that.

    Here's an update though. After reading the posts and in the middle of my reply, I had the spur of the moment urge to just call and talk to him and straighten this whole thing out. He answered. I explained to him my point of view, he volunteered that I did nothing wrong, that it was no big deal, that he was not upset with me in any way and not to give it another thought. I could cry I'm so relieved that he's not upset and that we're "ok". But I did find out there was real trouble and he wasn't trying to manipulate me. It makes me feel worse...BUT, I'm not going back on my own word to be more unavailable to him. I just feel that being at his beck and call does nothing good for our relationship and it certainly doesn't help my self esteem. And until there is a commitment made, I'm just a "friend" and he should not expect anything more from me than any other friend. You guys agree? Am I doing the right thing by feeling this way?

    Anyway, I know I can always rely on you guys to be here and give me solid advice. Thanks so much for your replies!

    J

  8. #8
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Do what feels best for you.
    If you are tired, busy or do not want to go out, make yourself unavailable
    If you have nothing better to do, go out with him and have fun.
    Remember, you are numero uno. Love yourself.
    Devote some energy to find other priorities apart from him, other friends, a hobby, visit an old relative, whatever.
    If you have plans with a girlfriend, and he asks you out, do not drop the girlfriend to go out with him.
    I am glad that you two are OK.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  9. #9
    kitkat620's Avatar
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    yes, i agree you must do what you feel, in your heart, is best for you. every situation, person, circumstances, are different, and only you know what's right for you.
    I gave you the scenario on what I did, but let me tell ya, it took me a long, long, long time to reach the point of no contact. But it did prove to be the best thing for MY situation.
    You go to people for advice. Whether you heed it, is most definitely up to you. But it's always a good thing to get different opinions and perspectives. And it always makes you feel much better knowing you aren't the only one going through or that has been through a particular situation.
    good luck to you and keep holding your head up high!
    "We must become the change we want to see."
    Mahatma Gandhi

  10. #10
    Kristin's Avatar
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    If this happened to me, the fact that he didn't respond to your text would indicate to me that he didn't even care if I was upset about something and that is why I didn't answer his calls. Why waste your love on someone who obviously not only doesn't love you, but doesn't even care about your feelings as a supposed "friend?" You didn't say if you were, but if you are still having sex with him when he calls, I would say he sees you as a "booty call" and that means he doesn't even respect you as a person. He is giving you as little "commitment" as possible to keep you clinging to hope. Honestly, what is there to truly "love" about someone who manipulates you and sees you as inconsequential unless they want something from you? (Of course, I could be way off base, as I don't know your history, so I can only base my gut feeling on what you've posted ion this thread.)

    Someone once said that loving someone who doesn't love you back closes you off from being loved by someone else. We give off that signal of "unavailable" to any potential mate out there who we could love and who would give us the love and respect that we aren't receiving from our object of desire.

    Based on your profile pic, you are a beautiful woman who could attract a lot of other men and based on your posts, you are empathetic, caring and loving, as well. Let go of this fruitless love of this boy (a find it hard to call him a man), walk away and open yourself up to the kind of love you deserve.

  11. #11
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grafixgrl View Post
    ...I just feel that being at his beck and call does nothing good for our relationship and it certainly doesn't help my self esteem. And until there is a commitment made, I'm just a "friend" and he should not expect anything more from me than any other friend. You guys agree? Am I doing the right thing by feeling this way?
    Bulls-eye!

    If your best gal friend was dating a guy who treated her like this fella is treating you, what advice would you give her? She thinks you're a smart gal, right? Be your own best friend.

    Added bonus: By being less available, you'll give yourself some room to see the situation from a different point of view.

    MM
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  12. #12
    Redhead's Avatar
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    (P.S. Here I am commenting on your posting, Grafixgirl. When I used caps here, it does NOT mean I am yelling. I am very direct and I only mean well. The reason for my caps is that I write longer comments into a word document first, and it is easier for me if I don't have to subsequently format everything.)

    Thank you everyone for your advice. SLK, don't give it a second thought. I knew where you were headed and I completely agree. On the other hand, I agree that I don't really owe him an explanation. I can't even tell you the times we have made plans to get together and 3 hrs later I'm calling to see if he is still coming and he'll text and say "raincheck". That's it. No explanation, nothing. Just one word.
    Irrespective of what he SAYS to you now, what matters only is what he DOES or FAILS TO DO. You have to consider that someone who is unreliable in his commitments and who changes his opinion all the time is likely to not change and that this scenario will wear you out over time. I used to be married to sb. like that, and over time I became apathetic and thought "the heck with what we agree on - half an hour later it means nothing anymore anyhow", and I did NOT realize that I deserved something better.

    Yet, he can be so wonderful and so charming and has done so many wonderful things as well. But in those times I feel dumped on and I'm doing my best to turn that around, just don't know how with him.
    I hope I don't burn my tongue now, but that is the nature of an addictive relationship that you comfort yourself with memorizing the scarce nice moments, telling yourself that he has good sides after all, and this only makes you stay in the relationship (a.k.a. misery) longer, subsequently hoping that if you are nicer to him he will be nice again, and then things will get better between the two of you.

    With that said, I am just not the kind of person that turns around and does something to someone because they did it to me first. I am not one to not say I'm sorry if I feel like I've dropped the ball somehow...doesn't matter what has previously happened or what the other person has done in the past.
    I believe you. But I also see what happens here. You are justifying in front of yourself the need to set boundaries to him as if you had a guilty conscience to set boundaries. I am not saying that I never had these problems and that I can do everything better than you - NO, quite on the contrary. It is a case of "been there, done that". You rational mind realizes that you have to set boundaries, but your emotions do not manage yet to keep up with your recognition, and because of that you justify your behaviour.
    I still think you should read these books that I recommended to you, and I can tell you from experience that it feels much better to KNOW AND FEEL that you have the right to say no. The no comes across your lips with more authority and you get more respect.

    I will continue to write a second posting so that I don't write more than the allowed number of words.

    By the way, in case you wondered when I managed to change: it was when I had suffered enough.

  13. #13
    Redhead's Avatar
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    I am definitely one of those people who have a hard time saying NO and I know I need to stop it. For my own sake...
    *thumbs up*

    Here's an update though. After reading the posts and in the middle of my reply, I had the spur of the moment urge to just call and talk to him and straighten this whole thing out. He answered. I explained to him my point of view, he volunteered that I did nothing wrong, that it was no big deal, that he was not upset with me in any way and not to give it another thought.
    How "generous" (sarcasm) of him to say to you that you did nothing wrong. The logical consequents would be that HE did something wrong, which means he should have felt ashamed that YOU were the one calling, and he should apologized for his behaviour.
    Think about this:
    If he behaved like Mr. ******** now and then only f-word generously said to you that you did nothing wrong and that was his way of solving the problem, how often do you think this will keep happening? What should hinder him from behaving like that again? He can feel that you are still into him, so even when you keep a distance now, he is still the person who has the rein in his hands --> no loss for him.

    I could cry I'm so relieved that he's not upset and that we're "ok".
    It really hurts me to read this. You are putting yourself on a very low pedestal. You should FEEL angry at him instead of fearing his anger!!!!

    . I just feel that being at his beck and call does nothing good for our relationship and it certainly doesn't help my self esteem. And until there is a commitment made, I'm just a "friend" and he should not expect anything more from me than any other friend. You guys agree? Am I doing the right thing by feeling this way?
    That is a very good realization. The more distance the better.

  14. #14
    Air
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    Thanks for your suggestions of books. I've bought both of them. I don't want to take focus from this thread and hopefully grafixgrl don't mind if I put a more general question into the thread? I recognise myself and my behaviour from my affair with an young man couple of years ago. I always thought of him, how he felt, what problems he might have, how to protect him and so on and so on. Even if I felt bad about him just coming over for the night I didn't have the strenght to just say "no" or "stop" because I had such strong feelings for him. I am even today afraid of getting involved in another man just to see myself fall into the same pattern again. I should try and read the books but I'm curious to know what you think causes such behaviour? I'm usually a kind and empathic person but have a hard time to treat myself the same way I treat others. Weird isn't it? I suppose all of us have our own reason for behaving in a way that isn't good for us, but do you think there is a general answes in how we women treat ourselves?
    Navigare necesse est!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Air View Post
    Thanks for your suggestions of books. I've bought both of them. I don't want to take focus from this thread and hopefully grafixgrl don't mind if I put a more general question into the thread? I recognise myself and my behaviour from my affair with an young man couple of years ago. I always thought of him, how he felt, what problems he might have, how to protect him and so on and so on. Even if I felt bad about him just coming over for the night I didn't have the strenght to just say "no" or "stop" because I had such strong feelings for him. I am even today afraid of getting involved in another man just to see myself fall into the same pattern again. I should try and read the books but I'm curious to know what you think causes such behaviour? I'm usually a kind and empathic person but have a hard time to treat myself the same way I treat others. Weird isn't it? I suppose all of us have our own reason for behaving in a way that isn't good for us, but do you think there is a general answes in how we women treat ourselves?
    Based on my own personal experience and what I have learned from it, the way we women treat ourselves has a great deal to do with the models our parents set for us. We tend to gauge what we should and shouldn't do in our own relationships according to what we saw in their relationship, and we tend to allow others to treat us the way our parents treated us. If addiction, aberrant or abusive behavior is part of that melange...woe betide.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

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