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Thread: Worries in my new rel'ship-need advice from my friends on here

  1. #1
    orillia is offline Senior Member
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    Jun 2011

    Worries in my new rel'ship-need advice from my friends on here

    Sorry that it's been awhile since I've posted..I've been fairly busy with my new boyfriend whom I told you all about! We've been together almost 3 months now. Due to some stupid personal drama, I ended up having to move out of my home. My bf told me it was cool for me to move in with him--I thought it would be temporary until I found my own place, but we have both been so happy, he told me he didn't want me looking for a new place; ie., he wants me to just keep living with him.

    Now, let me preface my request for advice by saying, my bf is incredibly loving and sweet to me...he has a weird work schedule but while he's working, he's always texting me about how much he loves me and misses me. He can also be a little insecure sometimes like..he's told me he's afraid of getting hurt by me. I think he's been lied to in the past. He has occasionally said he's concerned that I'm out of his league. He can be somewhat self-deprecating.

    Those of you who've read my posts before may recall, I have some trust issues. Pretty much every guy I've been with has either talked to girls behind my back, or cheated on me. It's crazy how much I've been lied to.

    The past 3 months w my bf, I've had no signs of that *except*..I have noticed he keeps his phone face down. My ex used to do that, and I found out later it was because he was texting his ex, whom he got back with when he and I broke up. So..I am supersensitive to this type of behavior.

    Today, my bf was texting while he was driving my car (which is behavior I am concerned about for safety reasons, if for no other reason), and when we stopped somewhere for just a minute, he shoved his phone in his pocket, which I thought was a little odd. He could've left it in the well next to the drivers seat--all he was doing was dropping off something

    Tonight, we were watching a movie with his son, and he got a text msg. he wrote back something really long to whomever it was, but the way he sort of shifted in his seat, it seemed like he didn't want me to see the message. I kinda said, "what's up", and he seemed a little tense and said "nothing"..usu he would tell me who he is texting. Then he blatantly put his phone down on the ottoman in front of us, face down, and I think he turned the ringer off.

    I don't like this feeling in me that this behavior generated. I don't even know how to approach him about any of this. I mean, when he's not working, we're always together, but he DJs at this club on Sat. nights and I wonder if he met some girl last night or something and exchanged numbers..

    What do you guys think I should do? I totally trust your advice.

    Should I just keep an eye on this situation, but not say anything? I think he could tell I got a little tense after all this..he kept asking me what waswrong.

  2. #2
    gorillagirl Guest
    i can see why this makes you nervous and i think you should tell him exactly that...."it makes me nervous and untrusting when i see your phone put face down, etc."

  3. #3
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Aug 2011
    I agree, that is suspicious. You shouldn't have anything to hide from your partner. At least not act like it.

  4. #4
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    Oct 2010
    What GG said was spot-on. If you sit and stew in your thoughts, they will only spiral downward, and pretty soon you'll have convinced yourself he has an entire harem on the side and he's about to dump you and start up his own Bunny Farm.

    This may be a tough conversation to start, but letting him know how you feel will be a step toward trusting him, and allowing him to trust you. Say it exactly how GG posted, and go from there, based on his reaction. It may be he didn't want to distract you, it may be something personal that has nothing to do with you, he may simply not like people peeking at his phone. Maybe he's afraid that you might think his friends are "weird" because of the texts they send him.

    Or he may confirm your worst fear.

    Be prepared to either be totally relieved or totally devastated. This way you can keep your head throughout the entire conversation. And if you need time to process whatever you've learned, it is perfectly fine to tell him that you want to continue the conversation at a later date because you need to think about what you just learned.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.

  5. #5
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Trust is such a delicate thing. It has to be earned. Even if you have not been lied to in the past, common sense mandates that you only trust someone with your heart after this person has proven they are trustworthy. You do that with your money, your car... and your heart. You have to be able to trust your bank, your valet parking, and your SO.

    This should be something that happens naturally, not something that you have to demand. You should not be having to ask who is he texting with. You should not be having to wonder why he puts his phone face down. Actions like his do not generate trust. That is too bad.

    On the other hand, a person should trust that their personal correspondence (and yes, texting is personal correspondence) is not going to be constantly monitored by their SO. You would not want him to go through your texts and mail. I know I would not.

    Some people are more private than others, I am very private. I trust that my husband is not going through my stuff every time I leave it unattended. He trusts that I am not doing anything wrong, so he does not have to go through my stuff. Two way street.

    My husband's phone "pings" when he gets messages, I ask him who is it, and he says "nobody". A few times, his phone pinged when he was away, I checked and it was an innocent message from a friend or coworker. I hardly ever check his phone, if I do, I tell him, "hey Clarissa from work texted you about a class"... or "your phone pinged". Same here, if my phone rings and he gets it first, he says... "hey Monica called you and it went to voice mail".

    So, IMO you should talk to him about trust, and about how it should open, two way street, and not be a subject of confrontations.
    Stiletto and pinkunicorn like this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  6. #6
    MOONBEAM Guest
    I find people, in general, lack etiquette when it comes to phone and texting. If you are engaged in watching a film with your girlfriend and your son , can't you put the phone down?

    Are you yourself a bit obsessive with checking your messages? It might boil down to different phone etiquette.

    Personally, I'm on the side of SLK to treat text messages, emails as personal correspondence. You don't let people read your letters, why would you let them have a peak at your texts?

    I think that someone who really has something to hide will go to the bathroom with his phone and text from there. Was he always putting the phone face down when you started dating? Has there been any attitude change?Maybe that's his usual way of protecting his privacy, and it's nothing personal, like it's something he would do with a friend. Also, you never know, but maybe he has been burned before the way you have and doesn't trust easily either.

    He obviously welcomed you to his home, invited you into his life, literally he opened the door to you. If he had something to hide, he would have kept his privacy to a maximum, I would think.
    pinkunicorn and Mebel like this.

  7. #7
    soul is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    I'm inclined to agree with others who say that if he was up to no good, it's unlikely he would be so bold as to reply while you're sat next to him.

  8. #8
    orillia is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Thanks, you guys, for the replies!

    I ended up asking him about it. I told him that kind of behavior was a trigger for me, since I had an ex who was doing shady thing (texting his ex)..he was very cool about it. Offered to let me see his phone. I told him that wasn't necessary. Just him making the offer was enough

    I think he was a little upset I didn't trust him, but we worked it out!

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