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Thread: Ugghhhhhh really bad week

  1. #1
    orillia is offline Senior Member
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    Ugghhhhhh really bad week

    So..for 3 months, things had been going great with my new boyfriend..but, he has been quitting smoking. I'm very happy he's doing this, but he warned me that it would probably make him grumpy. What I did not realize is that apparently, it's also made him rabidly jealous

    He works nights and sleeps days 3 days a week. On Saturdays he sometimes doesn't sleep all day. Sometimes. But, I usually expect him to, and don't plan for him getting up early or spending the day with me, necessarily.

    Last Saturday, I planned lunch with a (male) friend and to run some errands. I left around noon and he was still sleeping. I spent the day running my errands, then got back home around 4. The bf was gone. I call him and ask where he is. He went shopping..tells me he got up not long after I left and was upset I left w/out leaving a note. For my part, I couldn't understand why he didn't text or call me when he got up. He just went the whole day incommunicado, then gets mad at me because I wasn't around! I tried to explain to him that I was trying to be considerate and let him sleep. Had he texted or called me and wanted me to come home, I would have. You'd think he would know this by now...he was the one who did things that were out of the ordinary..he got up way earlier than he usually does, and he did not text or call like he usually does when he wakes up. Yet, he gets mad at me??

    I think part of it was jealousy over meeting up with my male friend, but this particular male friend a) has a girlfriend and b) has *met* my bf and knows how happy I am with him. So, the jealousy is a little out of line, IMO.

    Things got worse Sat. night.

    He works for a club--he won't let me come hang out with him while he's working cuz the club is kinda redneck, and he's too embarrassed. I asked if I could go with him that night, and he said no. So..I made plans with a female friend. She and I went out dancing. All night, guys were hitting on us, but I kept fending them off, making it clear I was taken.

    This one young guy (24) glommed onto me and my girlfriend. Anyway, the 2 of them started making out. Next thing I know the guy is drunk and his friends are refusing to take him home. He ended up following us to my car.

    I had called my bf at the club to see if he was off work, so we could meet up at an all-night diner. We had plans to meet at a specific time, and here I am, watching my girlfriend and this 24 yr old, arguing about NOT giving him a ride home..just back and forth, wasting time. I was worried my bf would end up waiting for all of us at the diner, so to expedite matters, I told the guy to just get in the car. Since he said he lived about 5 minutes from where we were going, I told him he'd have to go to the diner with us, then we'd take him home.

    As I pull up to the diner, I see that it's closed. I call my bf..meanwhile, stupid 24 yr old is being loud in the back seat. My bf can hear this guy in the car, so I explain to him what's up, and I also put my girlfriend on the phone to explain that nothing is going on..it's just us trying to get rid of this leech. I propose me, my gf and my bf meeting up at another diner I know will be open, but my bf says, no, he's too tired. He's going to bed. I tell him I'll be there as soon as I drop off the 24 yr old and my gf. He says snarkily, "oh, so you'll be home around 4am then"... I say NO, the guy lives very close and so does my gf..I'll be home in 20 minutes.

    Sure enough, I'm home in 20 minutes, but he doesn't stay up, he's crashed out. He wakes up when I go to bed, long enough to give me grief about giving the guy a ride home. We argued for about an hour over it.

    He will still keep bringing it up, which bugs me. I keep trying to tell him, I didn't do anything wrong. I told every guy that talked to me, I was taken.I was very respectful to him..I just wanted to not be late to the diner and the only thing I knew to do was, tell the 24 yr old to get in the car and just be done with giving him a ride.

    Last night, we fought again..this time, it was because I had a friend in town--male friend again, but a guy I've known since I was 18 and who is married to one of my best gfs, and they have 3 kids. Well, my male friend was here for a work conference, so it kept getting later and later, and he kept getting sidelined by his boss. So he never showed up to meet us.

    My bf decided to act like a jealous fool, and insist that my friend surely MUST have flaked on us, cuz he'd prefer seeing me *alone*.

    I told him that was ridiculous! My friend has never come onto me, or anything close. He's devoted to my other friend, his wife, and their kids.

    My bf would NOT let it go. "Well I know how men are.." etc...etc..

    Then I said, let's assume for the sake of argument, your ridiculous theory is true. SO WHAT? Do you not trust me, to not do anything with this guy? If you do, it's a MOOT POINT.

    I'm telling y'all, I was about ready to walk away from the whole relationship. It took me threatening that, before he actually ended up apologizing to me, and blaming it on quitting smoking.

    He said that if he wasn't quitting smoking, he might have these irrational insecurities in his mind, but his withdrawal is making him voice them and cause problems btwn us. It's like he just needs to blow off steam, and this is the shape it takes.

    I find it scary..it's like 180 degrees from how he's been the 1st 3 months of our relationship.

    I frankly don't know what to do. I'm trying hard to figure out how to handle the conflict, when these situations come up, but I can't help but blow my lid when this keeps happening.

  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Quitting smoking is a HUGE thing. Nicotine addiction causes physical changes in the brain and it is hard to quit. If my husband would be in the process of quitting I would be throwing rose petals before him, if he wanted that. Try and avoid doing things that would annoy him, or make him jealous even if it is unjustified jealousy. He is making a sacrifice for his health, join the effort and make a sacrifice yourself (staying put, or going out with only girls) and be extra patient for a couple weeks more or so.

    Regarding the incident with the 24 yr old, and totally separate from the bf issue, you have to make sure that your NOs mean NO. If you did not want to give this guy a ride, that should have been the end of story. No ride.
    vintagepearl likes this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  3. #3
    chi77 Guest
    I agree with SLK about quitting smoking and I would also agree that is what is going on with your BF.

    I would try spending a little less time around him for now. Hopefully this condition will gradually get better so it won't be for too long.

    He's acting irrationally so there's not much you can do besides being understanding and protecting yourself and your relationship from grief.

    Just make sure he understands ahead of time that's what you're going to do, and when he starts getting cranky, cheerfully find somewhere else to be without even discussing it.

    Good luck!

  4. #4
    gorillagirl Guest
    smoking is an addiction as gnarly as heroin for some. his unreasonable jealousy is likely caused by the detox.

  5. #5
    orillia is offline Senior Member
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    It's a little hard to avoid making him jealous or grumpy, when it seems like everything I do or don't do is a candidate for his anger.

    Anyway thanks for all the advice you guys! I will probably have to just be patient. I can't really not hang out with him during this time, because that seems to make him think I don't wanna be with him in this vulnerable state. Maybe, when he starts going off on me for these irrational things I can just say, I'm not having this discussion with you right now..it's your withdrawal talking, and walk away.

    I think what compounds it is that last year, he started dating a girl and quit smoking at the same time, and she ended up ditching him after a few months. He blames quitting smoking for that, and he went right back to it.

    I told him that once he's gone a month with no cigarettes, I'd get him a treat! tonight he joked, "I guess the treat will be, that you're still with me." Aww.

  6. #6
    joesbabygirl's Avatar
    joesbabygirl is offline Senior Member
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    The first 6 months really are the honeymoon stage of any relationship, and until you have that first fight ... you may not know what youre getting. Learning how someone fights, its a big part of who they are.

    I quit smoking about 4 weeks ago. Basically cold turkey, and I was surprised that I had no "withdrawl" symptoms. I thought I would, like a heroin addict would with the shakes and the puking ... nothing. I miss holding a ciggarette, but I got a electronic one, and that appeases me. But I never had any mood behavior or uncontrolable urges. Im 41 and I have been smoking since I was 14. So this jealousy issue .. sounds more to me, like thats just who he is.
    And from experience ... tell him to get over himself. If you allow him to dictate who your friends are, or attempts to make you feel guilty over your choices of friends ... this is one of the first signs of controlling you. Tell him to pound salt or grow up.
    christina923 and MOONBEAM like this.

  7. #7
    gorillagirl Guest
    JoesBabyGirl could be right. This is who the guy really is now that the honeymoon stage has passed. If this persists longer than your comfy with, you can let him know that this is not the kind of relationship you want and that you can't stay in it if he's going to be jealous of your platonic male friends. Even if this relationship ends, it did bring you one significant thing- you got the VYM out of your system. Let this guy go if you're seeing sides of him that don't appeal to you.

  8. #8
    vintagepearl's Avatar
    vintagepearl is offline Love rules without rules
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    You don't say how your YM is quitting smoking. But my ex quit twice, once long before I knew him, and at the time he quit by means of "staples" in his ears along with diet modification and vitamins the dr prescribed. Do any of you remember when that was a popular way to quit smoking back then? I think it had to do with accupuncture points...

    And the second way he quit, while we were married, was to get a couple of those quit-smoking kits with the patches. I don't remember the brand, but they were $25 or $30 at the time. They worked so well for him that he ended up returning one of the kits and stayed smoke-free for several years until we split and he started smoking again.

    Quitting smoking is very tough, not just because of the physical addiction, but also because of all the psychological reasons we started in the first place and continue even knowing how unhealthy it is. Think of something you crave habitually to comfort yourself with, to make yourself feel better, to deal with stress and insecurities. Then when you want to have or do that thing you crave, decide that you don't need it right now. Whoa! If you're like me, it makes you want it even more! Maybe it would help him to refocus or shift his perspective a bit if he had a little help from a stop-smoking aid, like one of those kits or just researching online to see what could help him out.

    SLK makes an excellent point. And personally, I think it would have been just common courtesy to leave a note that you were going out. There is never any point in expecting one's SO to be a mind reader. My feeling is that it usually tends to be in our best interest to try as much as possible to do what is in the best interest of our SO. As simple as the Golden Rule. If it's a healthy relationship it will grow strong. If it's not, it won't take too long to see the true nature of person you're with...and deal accordingly.
    MOONBEAM likes this.
    There is no remedy for love but to love more~~~Thoreau

  9. #9
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    One of the other things about smoking is that it's often used by smokers in times of stress to calm them, it's like a shoulder to lean on in tough moments. Much like a baby might suck its thumb or have a comfort blanket etc. So any time your bf feels a little stressed and would normally light up his old friend the ciggie and it's no longer there to take the heat out of the situ, is when he may act out of character. It takes 7 days for the chemicals that a smoker is dependant on to leave the system totally, there after its all Psychological.

  10. #10
    thatoneperson's Avatar
    thatoneperson is offline Senior Member
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    I'd suggest making your expectations for his behavior explicit and the consequences that will result for that behavior. For example, you might say something like, "I feel disrespected when you ____. If you do _____ again, I will go home." And then if he does ____ again, go home! He has to learn that he needs to act like a decent person in order for other people to want to be around him.
    gorillagirl likes this.

  11. #11
    MOONBEAM Guest
    Quitting smoking is a personal decision. Good on him that he's getting healthier, but seriously you didn't ASK him to stop smoking for your sake.

    Pregnant women stop smoking all the time for the sake of their baby, so men should just take a chill pill.

    Not that it's easy to stop an addiction, but if a woman with raging hormones with the prospect of passing something the size of a small watermelon through her "you-know-what" can do it, so can a man.

    Maybe the guy is really a jealous, controlling guy who can't let you breathe, or maybe he has good reasons to be jealous, in his book. The 24 years old was just trouble. Frankly, I quite understand the issue with giving a ride to a total stranger, though the other male friends sound like a non issue.

    I guess only time will tell if the attitude is brought on by circumstances or because it is his real nature surfacing.
    Are you willing to take the time to find out?

  12. #12
    VenusDarkStar Guest
    As a former heavy smoker, I TOTALLY disagree with anyone who implied that "this is who he is". He is NOT himself right now. Women can retreat for a weekend and cry it out, armed with chick flicks, a gallon of ice cream and a couple bottles of wine. Men just get grumpy and sometimes downright NASTY. Cut him some slack and try to work with him. Spend less time with the girls and more time pampering HIM. That's what I would do if I loved somebody. I think he needs your support.
    Mebel likes this.

  13. #13
    joesbabygirl's Avatar
    joesbabygirl is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by VenusDarkStar View Post
    Spend less time with the girls and more time pampering HIM.

    We are all entitled to our opinions here, but the only people who need pampering, are babies, puppies and the truly sick. No man, nor woman for that fact, needs to be pampered or babied for this ... this is not ones "time of need". No offense but what a rediculous statement.

    However, one can pamper their loved ones in the bluesy days ... if they had a bad day at work, maybe go out for dinner, run them a fabulous bath ... but doing a nice thing in a day for our SO heavily outwieghs accepting that type of behaviour and allowing them to treat us poorly, and then authenticate it with ... Im quitting smoking so I get to be an *** and you have to take it.

  14. #14
    VenusDarkStar Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by joesbabygirl View Post
    We are all entitled to our opinions here, but the only people who need pampering, are babies, puppies and the truly sick. No man, nor woman for that fact, needs to be pampered or babied for this ... this is not ones "time of need". No offense but what a rediculous statement.

    However, one can pamper their loved ones in the bluesy days ... if they had a bad day at work, maybe go out for dinner, run them a fabulous bath ... but doing a nice thing in a day for our SO heavily outwieghs accepting that type of behaviour and allowing them to treat us poorly, and then authenticate it with ... Im quitting smoking so I get to be an *** and you have to take it.
    I don't get the message that this guy is normally an *****, and I also don't think that HE finds his behavior acceptable...therefore he apologized. People mess up because...well, they are people...humans. If we can't accept the behavior, LEAVE it, but I think Orillia is just trying to vent and understand it. Just my humble opinion.
    debralee and laurad121 like this.

  15. #15
    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    Orillia, I am kinda in the camp of maybe this is just the beginning of seeing who he is maybe an exaggerated version but a glimpse none the less. He may be a jealous sort but it hasn't shown itself because the situations have not came up. My ex was one who could understand male friends if he also knew them and was fine with the guys I grew up with cause they were in our same circle of friends tho he was older than all of us but he could not stand a male friend that I had at work who he did not know well. I had know the guy for years and was friends with both him and the woman he married before they even started dating. My ex didn't care, I could not even mention his name without a fight starting. My ex would never even let me have a male boss and hated it when I transferred to a dept where I would be working with men. It didn't necessarily make him a bad guy but it smothered me. BTW, he saw nothing wrong with him having female friends although he did manage to have several affairs on me so kind of a double standard.

    As for the 24 yr old and taking him home, maybe not a good idea frm a safety perspective unless you knew him but sounds like you and your friend had just met him, what if he had done something to the two of you? Or was married, etc and you got caught up in drama you didn't even know you were going to get?

    Have you just came right out and asked him "hey how do you feel about girls having male friends" There is a whole camp of men who say other men can not have a platonic relationship with a woman.

    I would have been upset too if I got up and the person I was with had got up and left and had not told me or left a note. It is kind of a courtesy thing, I think just so I knew what was going on.

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