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Thread: Well I am pretty positive we are done

  1. #1
    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    Well I am pretty positive we are done

    Hi all, things have been crazy lately. I havent saw my ym since the first part of July when he met my youngest son. My birthday was the following week and I had told him that I didn't want him to do much but I wanted to just have pizza night. I got a text that Sat afternoon telling me his room mate's family was in town and the house was crowded, nothing else. I responded, well, are we still going out tonight. I got nothing. The next day, he sent me a text and said Happy Birthday, I hope your family is treating you better than I did. I pretty well let him have it about screwing up my birthday and told him while I didn't expect anything expensive, I did expect something and he could make it up to me one day during the week. He stopped talking to me for almost two weeks then sent me a text and told me that he couldn't handle all this and how bad he kept hurting me cause he cared too much about me and I deserved way better.

    The next weekend, I told him I was coming up there to get some answers and then I was going to the casino with a friend and getting drunk. He sent me a text and said he was willing to talk things out but he couldnt handle any more than that right now.

    We started talking again. I had taken my son to get his sports physical for band and had left the original in my office at work so I had to go get it. I asked him to meet me at the Krogers close to his house which isn't far from where I worked because I was going to stop in and pick up some things as well as getting a pizza from the nearby pizza place which we don't have out where I live. I told him if he didn't want to, I would just come to his house. He told me no, his mom was at his house and they were going to eat dinner. I told him I wouldn't take much of his time but he needed to meet me. He thought I was being irrational and told me I was getting out of hand with things. I said we really need to talk but he refused and told me to go home cause if I persisted I wasn't gonna like the outcome.

    Later he texted and we kind of worked things out but things werent great.

    The next weekend, we left for Florida but he let me know finally on that Wed that he didn't think after everything he had done that he needed to go with us. BTW, I got to thinking about why it was I couldn't come to his house so I did some google searches and found out that his mom actually owns the house and thought well maybe she lives there. He would not confirm this or deny it.

    I got back the following Friday and was supposed to see him that Saturday before he went to a fantasy football draft with his brother but my cousin got in trouble and I ended up cancelling on him. So we set up a date for Sunday but when Sunday came, he had a bad hangover from Sat nite and was sick so we didn't go out. The next weekend we were going out and he sent me a text that he got roped into dinner with his mom but if she wasnt there he would have me up. I said no problem, maybe I could come up tomorrow and we could do a late lunch early dinner and just hang out awhile. He never said nothing so the next day I messed around here all morning then sent him and text and asked him if we were still on for me coming up and told him I was getting a shower and would be leaving around 1. I heard nothing which sometimes means yes and sometimes no so I went ahead and left. I called him and left him a voice mail on the way there telling him if he needed to meet somewhere let me know before I got too far and he was mking me kind fo nervous not answering. I stopped when I got close to his house and sent him another text still no answer.

    I went to the house and his car was in the drive so I thought ok, he must have been in the shower which usually if I am coming up and he didn't answer was the case. I range the doorbell and his mom answered the door. I asked her if he was home and she said no and introduced herself. I told her who I was and that I thought we had lunch plans. she apologized and said well he isnt home. I thanked her and left. I was so shook up when I left and thankful I was trying to do some kind of crazy sexy thing and was presentable. Later that night he texted me and apologized again and said he was sorry for everything he had done to me and again told me I deserved better. He said he didn't want to lose me. That he really cares about me. I do know now that he lives with his mom although I don't think she has been there the whole time but moved in about the time I was no longer invited to spend the night.

    Monday night things were fine. Things blew up between my son's gf and me Monday evening after she had yelled at me Monday morn and my son told he to find another ride to work. Tuesday, I asked him if he could meet me for lunch or dinner to talk that I wanted to talk about what was going on with my son that I was upset. I heard nothing that day so Wed my son was spending the night with his gf and her mom was picking them up. I asked him if we could get together Wed night since I had my car and no kids. I heard nothing so I kind of left him a voice mail telling him he coould kiss my ***. I really let him have it which though probably justified I probably should not have done.

    Its been almost two weeks and he has not responded to any texts or anything, I have heard not one word from him. He is just gone. The first week, I was in tears but I am getting over that mainly because I possibly have a new job making way more money and with my youngest in marching band, I have been way busy. Now I just really miss him. My therapist says he thinks he may have some type of social anxiety and he will probably turn back up. He wants me to talk to him about coming to a session with me. How in the world do you tell somebody, oh by the way, I had to start seeing my therapist again and he would like you to come with me because he thinks you have a problem?

    Anyway, I said all that to say I am really struggling with this whole disappearing thing after seeing each other for almost 2 years. I should mean more than that and at least deserved some kind of closure or something.

    I put my profile back up but I ended up turning a guy down because I didn't feel it was fair to him when I wasn't ready. Same guy that got in touch with me before and for whatever reason, I cant make myself go out with him even just for fun. another guy is a little younger than me is built really well but keeps sending me pics of parts I don't wanna see yet. we are supposed to go out next week when he gets back in town and I think he might be a distraction cause I know he isn't going to be serious but my heart is so not in this right now.

  2. #2
    gorillagirl Guest
    Walkersam- I'm sorry to read this but not surprised. Your BF has been flaking and disappointing you for so long now. You need a HUGE 100% time out. I had a time out with a friend for a full 8 months. Zero contact. He had been treating me badly for 6 months before that when we were housemates. Eight full months went by and we made contact, had lunch, and are now like best buddies and see each other weekly and he's so much more responsible- keeps commitments, demonstrates appreciation in words and actions, gives me lots of love, etc.
    Sometimes a huge chunk of time apart is what's needed. You deserve way better and I can't really imagine that it's HIM you're truly missing. Isn't it more the IDEA of him or fantasy of him as "The Boyfriend?" Seems like it truly can't be THE REAL HIM you're missing because he hasn't been a very nice guy to you. He's right. He treats you like crap and you deserve better and his words about not wanting to lose you are not followed through with actions while he continues to flake and flake. Take good care of you and do not contact him. Give him all the time he needs including the possibility that he doesn't contact you for several months or never. There are lots of questions unanswered but you do KNOW this- he is NOT relationship material at this time and has not been for a very long time. This should be all you need to know to move along. He is not ready for a relationship.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 09-02-2012 at 04:52 PM.
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  3. #3
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    As time passes you will be feeling better. This is a fact. Keep track of your emotions in a calendar and you will see how they calm down in time. This is like a detox period. At least it is good that you are thinking about dating again, even if you are not actually doing. This means that you are looking for an exit strategy.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  4. #4
    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    you are right gg, he has been treating me like crap for a while now and I kept hoping since he realized it, he would improve back to how he was. The one thing he was good at was the daily contact and up until about a month ago he contacted me during the day to check on me. We were still talking every evening until bedtime as we always had for the past two years even before we dated. Its that I miss and like when I found out that I probably got the job I interviewed for, he would have been the first person I told like always. I truly enjoyed his company too.

    I am just going to take a break for now until I get myself back together. One thing I did realize from the last time we had problems thanks to somebody on here, I don't want a fulltime relationship that is more than may\be once or twice a week with anybody. I guess that was part of the reason, I liked being with him was I didn't have to worry about being pushed for more.

    Right now, I am looking at a really busy new job putting a brand new imaging unit together but working with female offenders which I have done before but not behind the prison walls and having a freshman in high school with a full load of advanced classes and marching band so I can keep myself busy for awhile. The down side is my ex signed up to chaperone every single thing I did for the band. The kids may get a ride and a show.....lol.

    Since he lied about living with his mom although there was a room mate at one point I am pretty sure but I think the room mate might have moved in with his gf, I kind of wonder exactly what else he had been lying about. It really bothers me because I live with mine or she lives with us but I am the last person to care about that. Instead he let me think he just didn't want to sleep with me anymore rather than just saying hey, its not you my mom lives here now. Remember I came out and asked him why and he said who said he didn't.

  5. #5
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    Im sorry to read this update and GG has thrown a good insight on it. I only really can add, what you already know. This letting you down, this 'I don't know why I do it routine' is what he's been doing with you the whole time, this is just a repeat with different events and circumstances. As terrible as this may read, by all accounts of what you've said here, it just sounds like he's been deliberately trying to cause you to tell him to 'rack off' to let him off the hook. He quite plainly doesn't have the balls to say what he really wants, which is no relationship.

    I also agree with what GG said that it's probably not he himself who you miss, how can you miss someone whose treating you like a 3rd rate person, putting you at the bottom of the pecking order of priority. It's what you want in a relationship you miss. Remembering some good times you had without all these games and dances he's been leading you on to think you can have that once again. I often see people saying actions speak louder than words, and in this case I think that holds true.

  6. #6
    chi77 Guest
    aww sorry walksersam. i am the one who was behind you before dealing with the lack of communication with this ym. my point at the time was if the good part of your relationship was worth the frustrating lack of communication, you should hang in there. at the time it was.

    it sounds like now it is not. it sounds like you are no longer getting anything from him other than "oh you deserve better." i agree with soul that he is trying to make you push him away so he doesn't have to do it. its lame and cowardly if you ask me.

    its also disrespectful of him to not answer your texts. you don't do that to people who you really care about. not for two weeks.

    get yourself together and continue to be busy and enjoy your new job. buy yourself some nice clothes. get your hair done. get a pedi/mani. be prepared for meeting a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. it doesn't look like this guy is ever going to step up to the plate.

    hold your head high and move on walkersam. this must be getting very old with you.
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  7. #7
    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    chi and soul, it has got old and I had all I could take. I finally told him he was a coward and didnt have the balls to end it. when I went off, I went off on him about the whole thing. I really feel bad for doing that....its not who I am really....to hurt another person on purpose but it just came out.

    I felt very disrespected that he didn't even ask me what had happened or show any kind of concern about what was going on and chose to just not talk to me. Probably had I not went off like I did, he would still be talking. I think I was in a mood that week where I was sick of everybody who was taking advantage of me and just pretty much let all of them have it. My son's gf is no longer riding to work with us and has tried to apologize more than once and I just told her what I thought about her and how disrespectful she is to everybody. She is a hateful angry girl who cusses her mom and threatens her all the time. It doesn't work with me well. We took her to Florida with us and she wouldn't even help wash a dish. Told me she was on vacation, not there to work and after I paid for everything. Not even a thank you for bringing me.

    I do think he was pushing me to end things. He even told me he didnt know why a few weeks ago but he was trying to make me hate him. He readily admitted it was because he starting to care way too much and didnt want to the first time he disappeared.

    Right now, I am reading why men love *****es.....good book for all of us who are too nice. I am disheartened though about the whole thing. The first guy I went out with when I first separated has been back in contact with me...nothing serious cause we only went out one time but I asked him why he never took me out again after that. He told me I was such a nice girl that I deserved to date somebody who had time to spend with me. He works seven days a week welding. We talk off and on and have ended up just friends. My ldr I was in after that has showed up too....I was talking to somebody on yahoo and he saw me on there. We ended it because he was working out of the country in NZ and wasnt sure how long he was going to be there. Again another man telling me how wonderful I am but in his case, he is briliant and is really married to his job. He just wanted me to know he still thought about me and was retiring in a year and hoped maybe he would be able to spend time with me then.

    So right now, I feel like I must be high maintenance or something. I don't think I am cause I could care less about presents and really don't require alot of their time. I was just asking for one night a week from my ym. The ldr, we were working on trying to see each other at least once a month til he got sent to NZ but he was all over the country so much there was really no way to even manage that. I don't even care what we do that much. I did spend a week with the ldr when he was able to schedule a job halfway between us. He really and truly was a wonderful man who was totally excited about me being there and told everybody his girlfriend was spending the week with him...no hiding me. In this case, he paid for my hotel and everything which he had me book so I would be happy with where I was staying.

    I guess the point I am trying to make is somehow I keep managing to rack up guys who want to be my friend and I don't even have a clue why. They all want to stay around but don't want to step up.

  8. #8
    laurad121 is offline Senior Member
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    So sorry this has happened to you. I hope your heart is healing. You deserve a good man and some time apart may bring him back to you. I think it is good you are waiting to date again. You will know when you are ready. Until then keep busy. The new job sounds so great for you!
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  9. #9
    Angel's Avatar
    Angel is offline Anger Thrives In A Fool
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    I think it is bad to be a doormat or a non-stop b**** for the same reason; you're going to attract an emotionally unbalanced person. Someone who takes advantage of you by being cruel or by guilting you. Both are equally harmful to our souls. Passive aggressive still involves "aggression".

    And knowing that, how many times should you allow him to wipe his feet on you? 10? 50? 100 times? You found your limit with him and there is nothing to be sorry for. If he would have met you even 1/4 of the way you two would still be together. You can't make him value you. His words say one thing but his actions say another and it is this contradiction that you can't rationalize away. It is his flaw so don't allow it to become your guilt, because that's what he's counting on. You taking his flaws and internalizing them so that he gets to continue being the s*** he's been all along. Maybe some time will give you both the perspective you need to move forward. Alone or together.

    Honestly, given his behaviors he's not ready for someone as loving as you and is right where he belongs. With his mommy.

    Last edited by Angel; 09-03-2012 at 04:00 PM.
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    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    Angel, you made me laugh I imagine if he doesn't start growing up, that is exactly where he is going to stay.
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  11. #11
    Angel's Avatar
    Angel is offline Anger Thrives In A Fool
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    Quote Originally Posted by walkersam View Post
    Angel, you made me laugh I imagine if he doesn't start growing up, that is exactly where he is going to stay.
    I'm glad I gave you a laugh. That brought a smile to my face. I'm sorry he's being a turd after you've been so understanding to him. One of my biggest irritations on Ageless is reading what seems to be a very kind soul being mistreated and taken for granted.

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  12. #12
    MOONBEAM Guest
    Walkersam, I am so sorry that you are being treated so callously. You don't deserve this ****ty attitude and I second Angel that it's very hard to read about good people getting treated badly.

    My son's gf is no longer riding to work with us and has tried to apologize more than once and I just told her what I thought about her and how disrespectful she is to everybody. She is a hateful angry girl who cusses her mom and threatens her all the time. It doesn't work with me well. We took her to Florida with us and she wouldn't even help wash a dish. Told me she was on vacation, not there to work and after I paid for everything. Not even a thank you for bringing me.


    Good on you, this is a good start out of the too nice box. I think that people get used to someone being nice and taking it on the nose, so when nice people start putting up boundaries, being assertive, they are usually accused of being hysterical, not making sense, kind of like what your bf accused you of. This is unacceptable behaviour from this girl. You don't have to raise her, she had parents for that. I feel for you that you have to be around such a person, for the sake of your relationship with your son.

    So right now, I feel like I must be high maintenance or something. I don't think I am cause I could care less about presents and really don't require alot of their time.
    You don't sound high maintenance at all! Maybe the reason you have low expectations in the dating arena and needs that can easily be met ( seeing someone once a week ) attracts men who can only give little and even less than that...It probably attracts the commitment-phobic.

    I guess the point I am trying to make is somehow I keep managing to rack up guys who want to be my friend and I don't even have a clue why. They all want to stay around but don't want to step up.
    That's not the description of a friend. A friend steps up in times of need.This guy doesn't sound like a friend. Personally, I just broke up with a friend because she left me without news for weeks, when she knew I was in a terrible situation. Consistency is key.

    One of my ex had SELECTIVE social anxiety disorder, that meant that he could go out with his friends 3 times a week, could introduce me ( paraded me around more like) to a few of them, could start up conversations with strangers on the street, but didn't show up to meet my friends! I'm biased about therapists and their diagnosis so this is to take with a grain of salt.

    Frankly, you need the support of your therapist all to yourself.

    The guy sounds like very bad news. Why didn't he mention he was living with his mom? This is not a healthy situation. The big red flag is that he started to act weird when you had your divorce, then when you introduced him to your sons. You don't need his crumbs. There is a way to have the relationship that you want, having your needs met, and still be in a healthy, committed relationship.

    Congrats on the new job! You rock!

  13. #13
    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    thanks Moonbeam, I thought I was pretty low maintenance since I am usually busy during the week but even when I was married, we kind of did our own thing most of the time if we had something we wanted to do. I have several friends and a cousin that I spend alot of time with not to mention my boys. I generally go out to lunch with different people that I have met along the way during the week and sometimes just my girls at work.

    My ym doesn't go out much at all, doesnt really have friends at work and really doesn't have any he hung out with. He only went out with me, his brother because he had no driver license and he drove himn around or his mom. When we would go out, he would kind of get on to me for talking to other people wherever we were and he rarely ever says anything to strangers. Me, I will stop and play with little kids, last time we were at the park, I got into a conversation with an older man when I asked him if he caught anything. He was improving but I could tell he was out of his comfort zone.

    I think the mom thing bothers me most of all, I am not so sure that I wasnt dumped because she found out about me. I know she wasn't there the whole time but I wonder if the timing of my divorce becoming final and the mom moving back might be about the same. They both occurred about the same time I wasn't asked to spend the night anymore. When we went to Memphis in April, he called her to let he know he got there which he had never done before. When we first met, he and his mom were not getting along all that great and he rarely saw her. I just want to make clear, I am not blaming the mom, it just seems like this was when things went all crazy. Its kind of hard to go out when you dont want your momma to know you are dating somebody which in its self is crazy.

    You are very right, that may be why I attract those kind of guys. Thank you for the compliment, I try to do what I can for people and truly do it without expecting anything in return....I got it from my grandma. My mom always sent extra lunch money because I would give mine away if somebody needed to eat. Sometimes I think people do take advantage of that as with my son's gf. I helped her get the job, gave her a ride and then she thought because she was paying some gas, she could make decisions about where my car went and wanted my son to chauffeur her everywhere in it in the evening.

  14. #14
    orillia is offline Senior Member
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    WS, you sound pretty low maintenance to me! And he sounds like a child, unable to handle an adult relationship and all the responsibilities that go along with it.

    "Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option"-sometimes we have to go through heartbreak to learn this.

    I know it's hard to hear, but you will be fine. You need time to heal. And yes, stay off dating sites til you go to therapy and grieve all of this.

    We're here for you!

  15. #15
    vintagepearl's Avatar
    vintagepearl is offline Love rules without rules
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    Quote Originally Posted by orillia View Post
    "Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option"
    Never heard this one before, but I love it!
    There is no remedy for love but to love more~~~Thoreau

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