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Thread: Advice and courage

  1. #1
    Dil
    Dil is offline Neophyte
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    Advice and courage

    I need some self courage and advice. My story is a little strange. I am 27 years old, and I am currently dating a man who is turning 23 in october. His age is a little complicated, he was born in a village in india. So when he moved here his mom made up a bday on his birth certificate and on his drivers licences it states that he is turning 21. But rest of his family belives he is tuning either 23 or 24. His grandmother told him, I do no know what your mom did with your birth certificate. We are both 3rd year medical students and will be starting residency in 2 years. And we both come from a tradional indian family.
    His family is 100 times more strict than mine and belives in arranged marriage. I am worried when his mom finds out about me and the age difference, she is going to hate me. He is not even allowed to call me when he is home, but text me non stop and face time when his parents have gone to bed. We both live in the same state and see each other during the week when we have to study for school. I understand he cant tell him mom yet because they are financially supporting him through school. I just have never been disliked by a family and thought of his parents disliking me is causing me depression. I am also a well educated girl. I have 2 undergrad degree, and a masters and almost a md degree. In some indian families, you do not introduce the girl to the mom till the marriage is bought up. But, I have already met his brother and I get along with his brother well. I am just worried to wait 2 to 3 years with this man and he leaves me for someone younger or arranged girl. He says he will never do that and he is not your typical guy. I guess I am worried and I have never been with a man younger. I worry what if i look older than him, but right now I look younger than him. I know it is only 4 year difference.

  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Hello and welcome!
    Your age difference is really small. If you both belong to Indian families, can you get your family to talk to his family and arrange your marriage? I am not familiar with Indian culture and I do not know if this is proper etiquete, so I apologize if I am off the mark.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  3. #3
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dil View Post
    I need some self courage and advice. My story is a little strange. I am 27 years old, and I am currently dating a man who is turning 23 in october. His age is a little complicated, he was born in a village in india. So when he moved here his mom made up a bday on his birth certificate and on his drivers licences it states that he is turning 21. But rest of his family belives he is tuning either 23 or 24. His grandmother told him, I do no know what your mom did with your birth certificate. We are both 3rd year medical students and will be starting residency in 2 years. And we both come from a tradional indian family.
    His family is 100 times more strict than mine and belives in arranged marriage. I am worried when his mom finds out about me and the age difference, she is going to hate me. He is not even allowed to call me when he is home, but text me non stop and face time when his parents have gone to bed. We both live in the same state and see each other during the week when we have to study for school. I understand he cant tell him mom yet because they are financially supporting him through school. I just have never been disliked by a family and thought of his parents disliking me is causing me depression. I am also a well educated girl. I have 2 undergrad degree, and a masters and almost a md degree. In some indian families, you do not introduce the girl to the mom till the marriage is bought up. But, I have already met his brother and I get along with his brother well. I am just worried to wait 2 to 3 years with this man and he leaves me for someone younger or arranged girl. He says he will never do that and he is not your typical guy. I guess I am worried and I have never been with a man younger. I worry what if i look older than him, but right now I look younger than him. I know it is only 4 year difference.
    It can be difficult to get the date right when you move a date from a traditional Indian calendar to a Julian date. I know several people from villages in Nepal and Bangladesh whose Julian dates of birth vary according to who is looking at the date on their traditional calendar. Depending upon where in India his family is from, his mother may have lied about his date of birth for political reasons. If your boyfriend really wants his identification changed to correct the error, there are procedures for doing so. In any case, in your situation, I would not be caught up in being accurate with his mom about your date of birth. If she is that hung up on it, tell her that just as she deducted 2 or 3 years from his age, your parents added some and you don't really know how old you are, either.

    It's unlikely that anyone will ever be able to tell by looking that you're 3 or 4 years older than he is. To make it even more unlikely, stay out of the sun, avoid tobacco smoke, and avoid alcohol.

    If you're truly worried about him leaving you for an arranged marriage, either have your parents arrange marriage to him OR end the relationship before you become more emotionally attached to him and thereafter date only those Indian men who are free to arrange their own marriages.

    Good luck with your studies, and with your boyfriend!
    SheLikesKitties likes this.
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  4. #4
    Dil
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    Thank you for the kind words. My family will not arrange for me to be married to his family. My family is christian and he is Hindu and my mom has always led me to choose the man I love. I am so happy that my mom understands me and I am very close to her. And she is also very accepting of my brother relationship with his non Indian girl. So I guess my family is traditional in the sense of cultural, speaking the language, cooking, and stuff like that but also very liberal. His family on the other hand is very very traditional, and I just hope they will come to accept me for who I am in the future. I do not plan on meeting them anytime soon, seeing that right now passing medical school is more important. Less drama we have with the stress of school more successful our career will be for now. Yes, I thought about not telling his parents that I am older than him because his mom has lied about his age. I have always looked young, and I do not smoke or drink. I look like I am about 18 years old at least that is what people keep mistaking me for. He is not your typical 23 year old kid, because he is cancer survivor and he suffered greatly couple of years ago with chemo. He is in complete remission and I thank god for that. Only time will tell with his parents, and I hope with enough time spend with them they will learn to love me. Thank you again, I was just worried to get hurt.

  5. #5
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    How long have you been dating?

    I think you're right to focus your studies as priority first.

    In regards you being hurt, that's somewhat reliant on how your bf handles the situation and what his intentions are. There have been two posts I can remember here in the last 6 months or so involving traditional indian culture and marriage. Both with much larger age gaps than yours and interacial. It gave us all who arent familiar with the strictness an eye opener. It showed to me at least the tie between the son and his family is VERY strong. So you're right to be cautious and question, but your faith must come from your boyfriend and how strong he's willing to be for you both to be together, in the possible event his family trys to cause problems.

  6. #6
    Dil
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    We have only dated couple of months, but we do see each other almost every single day. I also know not to discuss marriage or anything of that sort till at least we have dated for one year or so. But we both have never felt this connection with any other people before. I have been in a 8 year relationship prior to this and the connection I have felt for this person was never what i had with my ex. And he has also been in other relationship. And we have been close friends for almost a year prior to this. He told me no matter what he will stand up for me and i am his choosing and life is too short to worry about what others will say. He told me after going through chemo, meningitis and the flu not knowing if you live or die you just learn to appreciate life.
    He told me he told his mom last week that there is no way in hell he is getting arranged marriage and sponsoring a girl from India for a green card. He told her that he will be picking the girl he likes and she most likely wont like it but she will have to deal with it. As far as arrange marriage goes, I do not know how it is going to work in his family if his mom does try. He is a cancer survivor and in remission and unless his mom lies to the potential brides that he has had cancer the chances of him landing a bride is hard. I know it sounds cruel to say and I do love him very much but that is the reality of arrange marriages. I have been raised in indian family and being around the society my whole family. I was also raised in India part of my life. Parents usually wont pick someone who had a illness unless they just care about getting a green card. Unless his mom lies which I do not know if i put it past her since his age alone is in question. Because we do not know if he is 21 or 23. Either way I do not see the age gap being big, 4 or 6 years no one could tell the difference because it is such a small gap difference. I also know my mom at the end of the day will not care if he is younger than me but will probably freak out over fact that any day in the future his cancer can relapse. He on the other hand reassures me everyday that he loves me and cannot imagine his life with anyone else. But I told him I will ask him that again in a year or so down the road how he feels about me. I love him with all my heart right now and if that means spending the next 20 years of his life with him or the next 50 years I will. But realistically I know I will have to wait longer in this relationship to judge how we both feel about each other as time goes on. And hopefully as time goes on our connection will become stronger.

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