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Thread: My Middle Daughter

  1. #1
    Just MiMi is offline Senior Member
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    My Middle Daughter

    I received an e-mail after a visit with my daughter that broke my heart. I believe I've posted before on our strained relationship. She wrote I was the most selfish woman she had ever met and her husband hated me. She said I need therapy to figure out why I was alone. ( I think I am alone because I live so far away from everyone else!)

    I purchase groceries while there, took her out to lunch, watched the baby etc. I offered to purchase winter clothes. As one can imagine, my concern is for my daughter although her comments are devastating.

    I've allowed three women to stay in my home while I was overseas rent free. They were in abusive relationships and I promised God if He got me out of my marriage, I would never turn my head on a woman in need. All three stole and damaged my home; but I didn't take any legal action.

    I have a heart towards anyone suffering including animals. I supported an Iraqi woman with five children while I worked in Southern Iraq. I assisted in paying for a little Iraqi child to have much needed ear surgery. All of this came from my heart and I don't see how I am selfish in nature.

    I loved my five children with all that is within me. However, I've never made allot of money and this is especially true now.

    I've asked this daughter to forgive me for any failings and this is all I can do. When i returned from Iraq injured, she picked me up from the airport. Later that evening she said she hated me. I'm at a loss.

    This last e-mail caught me by surprise and I told her that no further contact was needed. I can't take any more from her.

    She set out to call the rest of my children and said some things that really caused allot of problems. I'm not up to all this while recovering from surgery.

    I've not shared this with anyone; but this daughter was a product of rape. I never considered abortion and loved her and looked forward to meeting her the entire pregnancy. Sometimes, I wonder if the manner in which a child is conceived can have negative effects? She is angry, and has a very cruel streak.

    She is a spotless homemaker and wonderful mother. The comment that set her off was meant as a compliment. She has three dogs and a huge home. I've never seen a plate in the sink or gotten dog hair on my clothes and I asked how she managed to keep her home perfect? I said, you didn't get these talents from me. This is the first time I've seen a dish unwashed.

    She then proceeded to tell my other children that I came into her home and criticized her house-keeping. She said she was doing the best she could with all the problems they are facing.

    I never get a chance to explain. I would gladly go to counseling if I thought it would help. I can't go back in time and make a different childhood for her. She was more work than the other four combined. The strong willed type. However, I always told her "When you use the energy you have towards a goal instead of rebelling, you will graduate first in your class University. She did just that and I'm proud of her!

    Thanks in advance for any comments.

  2. #2
    gorillagirl Guest
    I'm sorry your daughter hurt your feelings. Sounds to me like she needs mental health services to work out her unresolved childhood issues with you. She is obviously holding on to some deep anger/fear and it's surfacing inappropriately. Try not to take it personally and know in your heart that she is confused/wrong about you and she has issues in her life she needs to work on. Perhaps her marriage is not as wonderful as she pretends it is, etc. Do you have other persons who can support you during this recovery time?

  3. #3
    Just MiMi is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks!

    She has been to therapy and the therapist said I was "toxic". It is amazing how they can determine this without ever meeting me. I'm certain all relationships have some toxicity.

    I wrote a poem and posted it on FB instead of ageless love. She will read it unless i am blocked.


    I remember the good times,
    that we once had...
    but still my life,
    is oh...so sad

    I try to look forward,
    but my mind goes back...
    because a piece of the glass,
    on our portrait is cracked

    I try so hard to protect the glass,
    I won't let it shatter...
    Because you and your love,
    are all that matters

    My family is all,
    that means anything to me...
    still...everything always
    gets blamed on me

    This happens to Moms,
    all over the world...
    we're supposed to be perfect,
    we learn this as girls

    I have never been great
    or the "best of Moms"...
    And, at times I've failed
    by the things I've done wrong

    For those things I am sorry,
    I didn't want you to cry...
    but please remember,
    my eyes are not dry

    I hope you can find,
    our love that seems lost...
    for the mistakes I have made,
    came at a very high cost

    A piece of my life,
    is missing and gone...
    And everything feels,
    Oh...so wrong

    But, there is one thing,
    that I can do...
    I will try to be strong,
    just for you

    One thing I feel,
    down deep in my heart...
    It's my love for you,
    I guess that's a start

    You have a new son
    you felt him grow inside...
    And, I hope that you felt
    each of his kicks with pride

    You will feel love,
    like never before...
    it is your family,
    you will completely adore

    Its a new beginning,
    you will forget the past...
    It completes you as a woman,
    It will be "Love at Last"

  4. #4
    Blue-Angel75's Avatar
    Blue-Angel75 is offline Blue Angel
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    This is crazy!!!


    I have two younger sisters.
    My middle sister went through a divorce after being married for 10 years to the wrong guy. HE was a good fella, just not for her.

    Anyhow, my sister has this hate for my mom. If she could kill my mom she would...but you know what?? Her divorce was NOT my moms fault.
    But she claims that the only way to have been free from my mom, is to have gone to get married. And then her marriage went down.

    In the process, I have seen my mom suffer over the last 18 years, all because Anna comes into my moms life, uses my mom, then fights her, and tells her to fck off. Anna has got to be the worst daughter ever....she gets a flat tire, she would call my mom and tell her how bad of a mother she was, that she was garbage....


    My mom has carried this deep cross of pain....I suffer for my mom.


    I am sharing my story, because it sounds like your daughter and my sister know one another.
    Mimi I realize that this is not the first time your daughter hurts you.

    You obviously love and care for her soooooooooooooo much.

    Times like this, words can't help the painful process. In time things will get better.

    Let her be Mimi, there is nothing you can do or say to make things better. The healing has to come from her side.
    By the sound of it, you have gone beyond and above being an amazing mama.


    The worst part of it all is that, my mom has not seen her grandchildren grow over the last years....and our time on earth is so short and valuable.

    I am sure your daughter is not a bad person, she just channels her anger or confusion towards you in life.


    I don't know if I have helped, i just feel I know your story all too well....I have lived it myself.


    Blue Angel
    "Mimic what successful people are doing, copy it, practice it, costumize it so that it suits you, I promise you this: you will not fail!"
    "If you don't create an opportunity, you will never experience failure--therefore never really experience successes" Both by me!

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  5. #5
    Just MiMi is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you!

    It is good I am not alone Blue Angel. I'm sorry your sister has problems.

    It is comforting to know i am not alone!

    Blessings,
    Mimi
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  6. #6
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    It would seem that your daughter is projecting some of her problems on you. I do not know you personally, but what I know about you from our online contact tells me you are a very good person, and often I thought that too bad distance keeps me from meeting such wonderful people as you.

    As parents we all make mistakes, big or small, and there are things that we could have done better, but we do what we can with whatever wisdom we have at the time. Its not as if children came with instruction manuals.

    Having a good (or bad) relationship with a parent is a personal choice. No parent is perfect and the son or daughter can chose to remember the good times, or to magnify the bad times. Why would someone choose to focus on the negative is something I will never understand.

    Big hug to you!
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    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  7. #7
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Just MiMi View Post
    I've not shared this with anyone; but this daughter was a product of rape. I never considered abortion and loved her and looked forward to meeting her the entire pregnancy. Sometimes, I wonder if the manner in which a child is conceived can have negative effects? She is angry, and has a very cruel streak.
    As I've grown in my own faith and improved my own understanding of the aftermath of surviving sexual abuse/assault, I have come to believe that certain situations cause a transference of spiritual energy. Among them, there is a transference of spiritual energy from parent to child, and when someone is physically assaulted. Thus, I think your daughter got a double-whammy, so to speak, of some really negative spiritual energy when she was conceived. Although I don't embrace them ver batim, I've read several books such as Healing the Family Tree by Kenneth McCall and Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry by Lisa Bevere which echo this sentiment.

    I wouldn't put too much stock into your daughter's assertion that her therapist supposedly said you were toxic. From what I know of you online, you're a kind, caring person who seems more apt to let people go too far with you than anything else. While I strongly believe there is much worth in therapy, one must also keep in mind that not all therapists are good therapists. I've received treatment from many bad therapists--treatment so bad it harmed me further. I also know from attending family therapy with my father and mother, and marriage counseling with my ex husband, that people present what they want to present to their therapists, and people hear what they want to hear from their therapists.

    I think it's good that you established boundaries with this daughter. It's not acceptable behavior to blame others for one's own problems, or to attack people via email.

    That she has staged this drama at a time when you most need emotional support from your children speaks much toward her character.

    My own experience is that people who feel as though they cannot forgive themselves (for whatever reason, whether it is an actual or perceived circumstance) are unable to accept love and forgiveness from others.

    I wish you--and your daughter--well.

    MM
    Last edited by MissMuffins; 10-14-2012 at 02:33 PM.
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    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  8. #8
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    I think its natural to a degree to lash out sometimes in a moment of anger to the ones we love. Sometimes we can say things we don't even mean or don't even make sense, but it momentarily releases the tention we feel. I guess much like someone might punch a wall, this is the verbal version you're experiencing. Your daughter sounds like an exagerated version of this and I wonder if you have allowed her a little too much leeway which has allowed her to think 'she can get away with it' as she's grown up and now she's carrying through her adulthood.

    Some people are super sensitive and will always look for an angle to miss interupt something said or done, I haven't yet worked out whether its the drama they feed on or something else like attention seeking.

    Much like she will always be your little girl, you to her will always be her mum and it occured to me when I read your post, that while on the face of it one would suggest blocking her out and letting her know she can't behave this way. The word hate is such a strong word, I wonder if this might be a cry for help from her for you to reach out to her. As an adult, even as a daughter, if you truly hated someone you would avoid contact at all costs. As you say she collected you from the airport and you've just recently stayed with her, at a pure guess it sounds like some other underlying problem, than that of you've actually done something wrong to warrent hatred. Maybe she feels she needs more attention from you ( all this is me guessing btw or throwing ideas out there to chew on), being one of 5 children maybe she felt left out. She's rebeling for a reason, not necessarily a justifed one, but in her distorted view possibly. The fact that she's seen a therapist and discussed you and her and your relationship some how leads me to think this angst she has against you has been through a childhood and not a recent turn of events.
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  9. #9
    Blue-Angel75's Avatar
    Blue-Angel75 is offline Blue Angel
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    Soul you're very smart and very intune with things.

    I love reading your posts and I specially am very thankful for your smart brain

    Blue Angel
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    "Mimic what successful people are doing, copy it, practice it, costumize it so that it suits you, I promise you this: you will not fail!"
    "If you don't create an opportunity, you will never experience failure--therefore never really experience successes" Both by me!

    If you flirt with me, I may just flirt right back at ya!

  10. #10
    chi77 Guest
    i was thinking along the same lines as soul.

    there is obviously some reason(s) why your daughter feels this way about you, real or perceived. i think perception is the key here and i think you should try to find out where hers is coming from.

    is your relationship with your other four children such that you can confidentially and honestly speak with one or more of them about how this daughter perceives you? do any of them perceive you the same way she does?

    my mother and i have a somewhat strained relationship, although at the same time we are close.

    she perceives herself as generous, wise and suffering. i perceive her as meddling, bossy and self-centered.
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  11. #11
    Blue-Angel75's Avatar
    Blue-Angel75 is offline Blue Angel
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    an option here>

    Go see her, grab her by the hair, pull her pants down, put her over your knees and give her a good ol' spanking!!!


    Blue Angel
    debralee and christina923 like this.
    "Mimic what successful people are doing, copy it, practice it, costumize it so that it suits you, I promise you this: you will not fail!"
    "If you don't create an opportunity, you will never experience failure--therefore never really experience successes" Both by me!

    If you flirt with me, I may just flirt right back at ya!

  12. #12
    debralee's Avatar
    debralee is offline Senior Member
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    MiMi, This is beyond anything I could even begin to give advice about. How painful.

    I am ashamed to say it makes me highly annoyed at your daughter's obvious inappropriate acting out and nastiness. I have this real inclination to give her a good spanking, take away her favorite toy for a week and stand her in the corner. Because her behavior sounds so immature.

    But deep down I can see she is really struggling with something that is out of control in her life and she may be taking it out on the one person she feels safe to act this out on. She has obviously "made up" a story to explain her inner struggles to her therapist. The usual defense mechanism is to blame another person instead of facing the fact the problems are internal, not external. A good therapist will be able to help her work towards owning the responsibility for her own issues. This will lead to her healing. But in the meantime she feels compelled to give you this emotional beating.

    I pray she comes to her senses. Good mothers do NOT grow on trees..and are precious beyond compare. I pray you can work through this terribly painful situation to a place of peaceful perspective. Take care of yourself through this painful process. I agree that it is better to have no contact at this time. If you don't respond then it may speed up her realization that she is responsible for healing her own issues without blaming the one person who loves her unconditionally.

    Blessings and Peace to you, Mimi
    Last edited by debralee; 10-14-2012 at 11:25 AM.
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  13. #13
    Blue-Angel75's Avatar
    Blue-Angel75 is offline Blue Angel
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    Debralee...we are onto something here
    "Mimic what successful people are doing, copy it, practice it, costumize it so that it suits you, I promise you this: you will not fail!"
    "If you don't create an opportunity, you will never experience failure--therefore never really experience successes" Both by me!

    If you flirt with me, I may just flirt right back at ya!

  14. #14
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by chi77 View Post
    i was thinking along the same lines as soul.

    there is obviously some reason(s) why your daughter feels this way about you, real or perceived. i think perception is the key here and i think you should try to find out where hers is coming from.

    is your relationship with your other four children such that you can confidentially and honestly speak with one or more of them about how this daughter perceives you? do any of them perceive you the same way she does?

    my mother and i have a somewhat strained relationship, although at the same time we are close.

    she perceives herself as generous, wise and suffering. i perceive her as meddling, bossy and self-centered.
    Good points.

    The way we perceive ourselves is not necessarily the way we are perceived by others. Also, each person has his or her unique experience with another.

    It sounds to me like this is something that daughter has struggled with for a very long time, and that it informs her perception of herself as possibly "different" from the other kids or as an "outsider" within the family.

    Although MiMi did not intend the comment as a slight, it obviously struck a nerve with her daughter and that's what her daughter perceived. Therefore, for her that is what happened.

    It's almost as if she's bending over backward to get the family to see that *she* is not the one who's "bad" and should be shunned, it's MiMi.

    Although MiMi has never disclosed the circumstances surrounding this daughter's conception, I'm wondering if there wasn't some "vibe" that the other kids picked up on. It's kind of hard to get raped and successfully go on with life just like nothing happened. And, it's hard for kids to not notice that things are different with Mom. Even when it's a planned pregnancy in a perfect family, little kids almost always see a new baby as a disruption to the established family order. Although the older siblings don't know that the way this sibling came into being is different, it would have been normal of them to be resentful of the disruption the new baby presented without necessarily being resentful of her. As time went on and it became evident that her temperament is very different to that of the older and then the younger siblings, it may very well be that they're all just tired of the drama she represents.

    Do the other kids think she's a drama queen and a pain in the neck who always has to go against the flow? Or, do they think she's your favorite (because she was more work than they were, combined)?

    MM

    I am not close to my family, for good reason. People who are ignorant of our family history wonder what's wrong with me, while people who are aware of our family history wonder why I still talk to them.
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    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  15. #15
    gorillagirl Guest
    Mimi,
    What is the longest period of time you two have been "no contact?"

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