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Thread: It doesn't feel the same

  1. #1
    Harmony 7 is offline Senior Member
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    It doesn't feel the same

    Hi all,

    I will try not to make this too long. If you are interested, you can read my story in previous posts about my OW/YM relationship.

    She just turned 55 a few months ago. Things have really changed since then, and even before. I really don't know what's up, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. Mainly, I feel, because of how she has been towards me. She used to be all excited whenever I was around and when we did things together. Now, it seems like she is just going through the motions.

    Whenever I have talked about marriage, the future, etc. she has freaked out and had a meltdown. So I completely stopped. Then, a few months ago, she asked me if I ever thought about what we were going to do. I told her I did. Then she asked if I wanted to breakup. I told her I did not. It has been real weird since then.

    We barely see each other. Maybe 2-3 times a week. Used to be 6-7 at least. I used to stay over almost every weekend. That has not happened in 3 months and when I did, it was not good. She got real upset and yelled and took off for a few hours. We barely have any intimacy anymore. Only every few months it seems. Used to be almost daily and every time I stayed over. When we have lately, she is just going through the motions and has actually pulled away from me on one occasion. Clearly, none of these are good signs.

    And when I say, "I love you," she says it back, but it is forced and usually said fast with no feeling and never looks me in the eyes.

    I am wondering if she wants out and is afraid to tell me and wants to purposely drive me away so she does not have to end it.

    I don't know how I feel anymore and don't know what to do. 5.5 years is a long time and I don't want to throw it all away because she is having a middle-age crisis or whatever.


    Any input is appreciated!


    Thanks!
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  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    She could be having a mid-life crisis, menopause, a health problem she is not telling you about, or just maybe the relationship is going through one of those stages where everything kinda goes into hibernation before the spring. The only way to find out is through open communication. Tell her what you feel, and what you would like to see happen. You wrote a very candid post and that seems like a good blueprint of the conversation that you two should have.

    I know that 5 years is a lot to throw away, it is a lot of years for you and proportionately even more for her, because she has less years to rebuild her life should your relationship not work. Did she ever mention marriage herself? Could it be that the relationship with a young man was the symptom of her midlife crisis and not the other way around? Could it be that she is not allowing herself to think of a future with you out of fear?

    You said that you do not know what to feel anymore, are you still in love with her?
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  3. #3
    orillia is offline Senior Member
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    Have you discussed all these issues with *her*?

  4. #4
    Angel's Avatar
    Angel is offline Anger Thrives In A Fool
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    Has she been to Ageless? Sometimes the fear of the unknown is overwhelming. Just seeing others in working relationships with the same age gap difference normalizes things for one. I don't know if it will help her, but it may be worth the try to salvage a 5 year relationship?
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  5. #5
    Harmony 7 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by orillia View Post
    Have you discussed all these issues with *her*?
    No. I have not. Not yet. It is inevitable that it will happen.

  6. #6
    Harmony 7 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Angel View Post
    Has she been to Ageless? Sometimes the fear of the unknown is overwhelming. Just seeing others in working relationships with the same age gap difference normalizes things for one. I don't know if it will help her, but it may be worth the try to salvage a 5 year relationship?

    Thanks. No, she has not. I don't want to make our situation too "public."

  7. #7
    Harmony 7 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    She could be having a mid-life crisis, menopause, a health problem she is not telling you about, or just maybe the relationship is going through one of those stages where everything kinda goes into hibernation before the spring. The only way to find out is through open communication. Tell her what you feel, and what you would like to see happen. You wrote a very candid post and that seems like a good blueprint of the conversation that you two should have.
    Thanks! Good ideas and excellent observations and opinion. Thanks again!




    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    Did she ever mention marriage herself?
    No. Not specifically.



    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    Could it be that the relationship with a young man was the symptom of her midlife crisis and not the other way around? Could it be that she is not allowing herself to think of a future with you out of fear

    Could well be all or any of these. I don't know.

    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    You said that you do not know what to feel anymore, are you still in love with her?
    Yes, I am. But more in love with her when things were real good. I am trying to hold on.

  8. #8
    legallyblonde Guest
    She sounds scared. I was 43 when I had a 20 year old bf, and now that I'm 54, I think I would die seeing how I've aged physically. I would feel guilty to go out with a 30 year old now. I wonder does she? Does she suddenly realize the age gap and all it's implications? I mean, really an age gap is not bad, but when you start feeling your *oldness* it can be a real shake up. Perhaps she's going through this?

    Ali

  9. #9
    xhenli's Avatar
    xhenli is offline Senior Member
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    In the end, after all your reassurances to her and requests to talk about it and fix it, if she doesn't respond, I think you need to accept her behavior for what it is (without worrying too much on the why) and then realize that somewhere, somehow she has made a decision. It may not make sense to you, but if she has made a decision then that means that it may be time for you to make a decision: how much of her behavior are you going to take? You seem like a very nice person and deserve to be adored and respected. Now I am not saying to leave her . . . it's a real question . . . how much of the good balances out the bad and for how long, for you in your book? You simply cannot control another person even when you are doing the best of all you know how to do, and sometimes there is the loss of relationships in life. You can offer reassurances and offer the opportunity to re-vitalize this relationship, but in the end you cannot convince her that you love her (or whatever the central issue is) if she won't hear it. You aren't responsible for what she chooses; you can't cause her to make the choice you think she should make. I wish you the best, and I really hope you will value yourself and your life as you work through this and go forward in life, hopefully along with her as you wish, but in any way that you come to know is best.

  10. #10
    Abra is offline Neophyte
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    If you don,t think same you need to tell her about the situation and discuss with her with about it . I think its good for both you and her . You just need to think about it deeply .What you say about it .

  11. #11
    Air
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    I can understand that it is frustrating to live with a woman who is experiencing her first midlife crisis and that romance can be affected. I can also understand that a relationship goes through different phases, the first romance can not persist indefinitely. But to lose the desire to a woman because she is anxious about their bodily changes (?) is sad for surely you fell for your women out of a combination of attraction that includes her woman's inner side.

    I do not know how your woman experience her menopause but I myself (soon 50 years) and fears all the new age characters I see every day. Suppose everyting brings to its head when you live with a younger man and for the interest to be able to look good and attract a man.

    Think the only way is to try to talk to her and make her confident that you like ENTIRE her as a person and her body.

    Keep and updated with what's happening. Is still an interesting question for all of us older women to see how to resolve these situations for the good of both.
    Navigare necesse est!

  12. #12
    Harmony 7 is offline Senior Member
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    Things are not getting a lot better

    I just re-read my thread, which is from almost a year ago. Not much has changed, but I am still with her.

    We have continued to have this disconnect in our relationship. Even when I look at the few pictures we have taken together (such as at her daughter's wedding back in March), I can just see a look in her eyes and in her posture a look of uncertainty. I am extremely sensitive and nothing gets past me.

    Being it has been the Thanksgiving holidays, I made overtures to spend some much needed time together. I did not force things, but there was a sense of uneasiness (yes, despite being together for 6 years this past July!). Though we slept together, there was no intimacy and zero effort on her part to initiate any.

    Well, Thanksgiving night things just continued to disintegrate. This led to a very hostile and drama-filled Friday afternoon (with over an hour of discussion on what is wrong with our relationship), that somehow I was able to salvage into a somewhat pleasant evening. I learned earlier in the day that I am not welcome anymore as an overnight guest; as she does not feel "right" about this (even though up until about 4 years ago it was regular and nothing was ever mentioned of it).

    I am mentally exhausted by this, but not ready to quit yet. Having invested 6 years of my life into this relationship (most of it being very good), I feel it would be a waste to throw it all away. Yet, I feel more and more that she is pulling away from me. I just don't know what to do anymore.

    Thanks.

  13. #13
    Mebel's Avatar
    Mebel is offline OWYM AG 29 yrs
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    How painful for you. I understand you are exhausted! Her feelings, your feelings, trying to safe the spirit of thanksgivings evening together. pff it is a lot to carry for you! Checkmate you stand! I have read here before that people in some situations suggest; to do nothing,initiate NO contact and completely stay out of eachothers scope ..for some time. with,, maybe., (if you still have energy) the future possibility... that she will see again what you mean to her to have in her (love)life.

  14. #14
    Mebel's Avatar
    Mebel is offline OWYM AG 29 yrs
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    Me thinking a bit more about this! You said you talked together yesterday about what is wrong with your relationship.
    So I assume you know more than we know at this moment. Btw ,I see, I am her age too, and in relationship for 5 yrs .I am not at all of the marry-ing sort of person.. and I have always said that. Maybe you want or need this as some kind of progression too much!? . Yet I would feel uneasy when I feel some pushing to marriage arrangements by my ym!
    SheLikesKitties likes this.

  15. #15
    Air
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    Harmony 7,
    sounds like you've had a tense thanksgiving. Try to take care and listen to your inner voice, sometimes things happen for a reason which we don't understand and we have to go with the flow.
    Mebel likes this.
    Navigare necesse est!

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