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Thread: The tables have turned!

  1. #1
    Gaia is offline Neophyte
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    The tables have turned!

    Hey guys!

    I was a member years ago but I was dating older men so needless to say my posts were in the other threads. Now, I'm 31 and I just met and have been getting to know a 26 year old man who is in the Army. Now, I know it's not a big age gap, but it feels absolutely foreign to me because my entire adult life, I have dated much older men.

    So, now I'm feeling kinda nervous about it. We have great chemistry, things are flowing smoothly and we have maintained contact over the long distance. I've never met a person in the Army either, so this is all brand new for me.

    Could you give some advice as to how to proceed? I like getting to know him and I'm enjoying our conversations and I'm not rushing into a relationship with him (I'm not sure if I'm comfortable pursuing a committed relationship with someone in the military just yet).

    He has mentioned that he was with an "older" woman before, but I got the impression that it was not serious and was more of a casual sexual thing (I didn't probe further).

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    Your age gap with your new YM isnt very big all and shouldn't really have any issues.

    How to proceed? as you would with anyone, be yourself and see how it goes, you don't need to treat any differently whether they're younger or older. I was with someone for 16 yrs and 10 of those he was in the military. You may have to put up with some weekends appart, or even weeks if their on tour duty. But that can be a good thing, distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that

  3. #3
    Dil
    Dil is offline Neophyte
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    Your age gap is similar to mine. I just turned 28, and my boyfriend is turning 24 this year. I also freaked out in the beginning then i realized no one can tell the age difference. But it was still all new territory for me even if the difference was small. With time i forgot about it and I wont let my self esteem issues about the age get in the way of my happiness. I talked to him about the issues how i felt weird about dating someone younger. He asked me if i would have questioned this if he was 4 or so years older than me, which i would not have. I also let him know from the beginning that I was looking for someone serious not fooling around. I do have to say he is 100 times more mature than my ex who is year older than I am. One of my good friends dated a guy in the military and he is currently active duty. Her biggest challenge she said was being alone when he was in active duty and worrying about his safety. But they have been happily married for 4 years and communication is the key. And they also have a age gap exactly as mine with her being the older one also.

  4. #4
    Gaia is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by soul View Post
    Your age gap with your new YM isnt very big all and shouldn't really have any issues.

    How to proceed? as you would with anyone, be yourself and see how it goes, you don't need to treat any differently whether they're younger or older. I was with someone for 16 yrs and 10 of those he was in the military. You may have to put up with some weekends appart, or even weeks if their on tour duty. But that can be a good thing, distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that
    Yes, I agree. The age gap doesn't show except when we talk about life experiences. I've been independent since I was 16 and so lived an "adult" life a lot sooner than he did. As far as chemistry and interests are concerned, it's really easy and free flowing..no bumps there. He is very mature and insightful as well. Something I wasn't expecting. This experience so far has definitely changed my perspective on men in their mid twenties!

    I guess my biggest concern is the whole military thing. Simply because I've never gotten to know someone in the military and we have only spent one night together before he had to leave. We have kept contact ever since. I'm so used to actually spending physical time while getting to know someone and this is all online and phone.

    That being said, I'm really excited about the whole thing, it's a refreshing change!

  5. #5
    Gaia is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dil View Post
    Your age gap is similar to mine. I just turned 28, and my boyfriend is turning 24 this year. I also freaked out in the beginning then i realized no one can tell the age difference. But it was still all new territory for me even if the difference was small. With time i forgot about it and I wont let my self esteem issues about the age get in the way of my happiness. I talked to him about the issues how i felt weird about dating someone younger. He asked me if i would have questioned this if he was 4 or so years older than me, which i would not have. I also let him know from the beginning that I was looking for someone serious not fooling around. I do have to say he is 100 times more mature than my ex who is year older than I am. One of my good friends dated a guy in the military and he is currently active duty. Her biggest challenge she said was being alone when he was in active duty and worrying about his safety. But they have been happily married for 4 years and communication is the key. And they also have a age gap exactly as mine with her being the older one also.
    He actually thought I was a little younger than him when we met. He was surprised to hear my real age. And like you, I'm nervous over the new territory, but we have a lot of common interests that i didn't think we would have, so the exchange has been enjoyable so far.

    He doesn't mind the age difference at all, as he has had an experience with an older woman..so it's more of a joke between us now. I guess I'm so used to how older men conduct themselves in relationships and the general feeling of security when I'm with them because they have experience. But I can tell this guy is a good solid man.

    We communicate very well which is good. I've had better communication with this guy than with the older men I've been with. I'm going to keep learning about his experience in the military in order to understand it better and see where it goes.

  6. #6
    Lilybart is offline Member
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    In my business, I have some contact with Army personnel and I can tell you that from my experience in dealing with many of them--they are more mature than their civilian counterparts. I think that right now, you should probably concentrate on whether you can handle a Military Man versus a YM. They definitely have different needs. Trust me.

    Keep us posted and good luck!

  7. #7
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lilybart View Post
    In my business, I have some contact with Army personnel and I can tell you that from my experience in dealing with many of them--they are more mature than their civilian counterparts. I think that right now, you should probably concentrate on whether you can handle a Military Man versus a YM. They definitely have different needs. Trust me.

    Keep us posted and good luck!

    What are the different needs ?

  8. #8
    Gaia is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lilybart View Post
    In my business, I have some contact with Army personnel and I can tell you that from my experience in dealing with many of them--they are more mature than their civilian counterparts. I think that right now, you should probably concentrate on whether you can handle a Military Man versus a YM. They definitely have different needs. Trust me.

    Keep us posted and good luck!
    That's what I'm trying to figure out by getting to know him. Could you shed some light on what those needs are?

  9. #9
    Gaia is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by soul View Post
    What are the different needs ?
    Hi Soul, could you shed light on your experience with a someone in military? Did they communicate their needs during your time together?

  10. #10
    Lilybart is offline Member
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    Didn't mean to cause an 'Alert.' By "different needs" I meant "special needs."

    If I were you, I'd get familiar with military culture. Last year I became involved with a man in the Army (12-years active, enrolled since he was 18). Through my work, I meet soldiers (specifically Army; very seldom from other branches) and they all have that polished exterior, are polite and respectful and most are way more mature than civilian men their age.

    I was always the type of woman who said I'd never get involved with a military man, mostly because of the long absence periods, distance, lots of moving around, etc. This YM pursued me feverishly and despite my doubts, I started a long-distance relationship with him one year after we met and developed a friendship. Through him, I learned a lot about the Army culture (at his level, he works with top brass), and about the psychological demands of the profession. That's some heavy stuff, especially if they've been to war. We broke up after four months, mostly due to personality clashes.

    That said, you should not be so concerned with the age gap, but rather, educate yourself on Army culture, and the demands that the military imposes on your YM in his current job; physically, psychologically and emotionally.

    Let us know how it develops!

  11. #11
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gaia View Post
    Hi Soul, could you shed light on your experience with a someone in military? Did they communicate their needs during your time together?
    To be honest I dont think my personal experience will be particulary relevant, only because i'm one person out of hundreds of thousands of gf's / wives etc who have had a relationship with someone in the military. I can maybe generalize a little and that may give you an idea.

    Most military personel are highly diciplined and hard working. They live a very regimented lifestyle and have to adhere to very strict rules. Unlike Joe public, they are employed 24/7, even if the clock off at 5 pm, they can be still called away if needed for emergencys. In regards relationships, they are usually very attentive and loving, and maybe the reality of their day makes them more open to being more loving 'out of hours' and appreciative.

    As far as culture of that lifestyle, unless you're married to a military man and live in designated military housing, then it shouldn't really effect you too much. It's fair to say the wives of military men tend to stick together. In the UK army barracks and I assume this crosses over to navy and airforce military, they have their own shops, houses, local club etc, always reminded me of that US series stepford wives, if any of you have seen it or remember it.

    What's probably more relevant for you to consider, is that your YM will often have to be away on w/ends. He'll also have to do tours or go on exercises, which could mean 3 or 6 months away in another country sometimes. In those times, calls, skyping,. letters are your friends.
    If your YM has to go to war, or is sent across seas for military exercise or duties, that can effect them psychologically. Of course anyone who has blood running through their veins , trained or otherwise will be traumatised to some degree if they witness any atrocities.

    I still think, you should not over think any of this and just take it as it comes and enjoy.
    Lilybart likes this.

  12. #12
    trolleycar's Avatar
    trolleycar is offline I still play with trains
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    One thing about having relationships and a relationships don't mean a romantic relationship. What I mean is just to be around each other .
    If he is going to make a carrier of the Army or any of the armed services. you have to figure that every three to four years he will be moved to a new post.
    So if the relationship becomes a romantic relationship you will have to put up with have him having to move where you and he will little or no say in the matter.
    most military man have been trained to be very organized and as they say if it walks you solute it and if it was standing still you paint it.
    But just be your self and get to be friends and then see there it leads.
    One thing I will never understand with people ,Women mostly today I have heard on this site and other site that are self help sites ,
    So many of the folks will say I do not want that guy or girl to be a friend. I can not under stand that idea.
    For me I new from day one that I was in love with my YL, but I wanted her as a friend first, some one that would not mind getting up at 3:00 am to drive
    four hours to sit in the car for a couple of hours the grab photos of the Ringling Bros. Blue Unit train or stand at the Manhattan end of the Queens mid town tunnel at three AM again to photo of the elephants of the Ringling Bros. Blue Unit coming out of the tunnel as they they walk to the Garden. and she will have as good time as I did.
    Maybe I am just old fashion but to me to many guys and girls think that a relationship begins and ends with jumping in the sack.
    Not for me anyway to me a great relationship is to have a pretty girl to be the subject of your photo shoot. or to run the video camera so you get both videos and still photos. and a pretty girl is one of the best ways to get a cab ride in the locomotive. the only thing better then a pretty girl is a quite little child. that after having a very productive shooting photos. I will take my YL out to have a nice dinner. and then we jump into the sack.
    In other words get to know each other. And see where it leads. Just one more thing I first met my YL and told her about that I like to photo trains
    she thought I was a little weeder and not then I go yo England to see her or she comes to the states her wants to know know if we are going to chase trains. I do not know if it is that her likes trains now or is it that she likes to drive fast?

  13. #13
    Gaia is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lilybart View Post
    Didn't mean to cause an 'Alert.' By "different needs" I meant "special needs."

    If I were you, I'd get familiar with military culture. Last year I became involved with a man in the Army (12-years active, enrolled since he was 18). Through my work, I meet soldiers (specifically Army; very seldom from other branches) and they all have that polished exterior, are polite and respectful and most are way more mature than civilian men their age.

    I was always the type of woman who said I'd never get involved with a military man, mostly because of the long absence periods, distance, lots of moving around, etc. This YM pursued me feverishly and despite my doubts, I started a long-distance relationship with him one year after we met and developed a friendship. Through him, I learned a lot about the Army culture (at his level, he works with top brass), and about the psychological demands of the profession. That's some heavy stuff, especially if they've been to war. We broke up after four months, mostly due to personality clashes.

    That said, you should not be so concerned with the age gap, but rather, educate yourself on Army culture, and the demands that the military imposes on your YM in his current job; physically, psychologically and emotionally.

    Let us know how it develops!
    Thank you. I'm learning things little by little as time goes on. He has told me he will probably be deployed in a matter of months and I have that in the back of my mind. He's not at top brass level now and I always make it a point to learn more about what's going on for him at a point in our conversations. I'm taking it really slow now because not that I didn't want a relationship with a man in the military, it just never crossed my mind because I rarely meet them (even with a recruiting office down the block from my place).

  14. #14
    Gaia is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by soul View Post
    To be honest I dont think my personal experience will be particulary relevant, only because i'm one person out of hundreds of thousands of gf's / wives etc who have had a relationship with someone in the military. I can maybe generalize a little and that may give you an idea.

    Most military personel are highly diciplined and hard working. They live a very regimented lifestyle and have to adhere to very strict rules. Unlike Joe public, they are employed 24/7, even if the clock off at 5 pm, they can be still called away if needed for emergencys. In regards relationships, they are usually very attentive and loving, and maybe the reality of their day makes them more open to being more loving 'out of hours' and appreciative.

    As far as culture of that lifestyle, unless you're married to a military man and live in designated military housing, then it shouldn't really effect you too much. It's fair to say the wives of military men tend to stick together. In the UK army barracks and I assume this crosses over to navy and airforce military, they have their own shops, houses, local club etc, always reminded me of that US series stepford wives, if any of you have seen it or remember it.

    What's probably more relevant for you to consider, is that your YM will often have to be away on w/ends. He'll also have to do tours or go on exercises, which could mean 3 or 6 months away in another country sometimes. In those times, calls, skyping,. letters are your friends.
    If your YM has to go to war, or is sent across seas for military exercise or duties, that can effect them psychologically. Of course anyone who has blood running through their veins , trained or otherwise will be traumatised to some degree if they witness any atrocities.

    I still think, you should not over think any of this and just take it as it comes and enjoy.
    I'm aware of the unpredictability of his life and that's why while I'm getting to know him, to let him take the lead as to how to navigate this. As long as he's respectful and forthcoming, I'm happy to go with the flow (I also have a demanding life myself with my career).

  15. #15
    Gaia is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by trolleycar View Post
    One thing about having relationships and a relationships don't mean a romantic relationship. What I mean is just to be around each other .
    If he is going to make a carrier of the Army or any of the armed services. you have to figure that every three to four years he will be moved to a new post.
    So if the relationship becomes a romantic relationship you will have to put up with have him having to move where you and he will little or no say in the matter.
    most military man have been trained to be very organized and as they say if it walks you solute it and if it was standing still you paint it.
    But just be your self and get to be friends and then see there it leads.
    One thing I will never understand with people ,Women mostly today I have heard on this site and other site that are self help sites ,
    So many of the folks will say I do not want that guy or girl to be a friend. I can not under stand that idea.
    For me I new from day one that I was in love with my YL, but I wanted her as a friend first, some one that would not mind getting up at 3:00 am to drive
    four hours to sit in the car for a couple of hours the grab photos of the Ringling Bros. Blue Unit train or stand at the Manhattan end of the Queens mid town tunnel at three AM again to photo of the elephants of the Ringling Bros. Blue Unit coming out of the tunnel as they they walk to the Garden. and she will have as good time as I did.
    Maybe I am just old fashion but to me to many guys and girls think that a relationship begins and ends with jumping in the sack.
    Not for me anyway to me a great relationship is to have a pretty girl to be the subject of your photo shoot. or to run the video camera so you get both videos and still photos. and a pretty girl is one of the best ways to get a cab ride in the locomotive. the only thing better then a pretty girl is a quite little child. that after having a very productive shooting photos. I will take my YL out to have a nice dinner. and then we jump into the sack.
    In other words get to know each other. And see where it leads. Just one more thing I first met my YL and told her about that I like to photo trains
    she thought I was a little weeder and not then I go yo England to see her or she comes to the states her wants to know know if we are going to chase trains. I do not know if it is that her likes trains now or is it that she likes to drive fast?
    I completely understand what you're saying. I'm totally with you on this especially since my last relationship (with an OM) ended because one of the biggest problems was that we just weren't friends. I'll never making that mistake again as it ended up costing me a lot emotionally. It's been over for 2 years so I've had time to process all of it.

    Actually, in a funny way, him being in the military is a blessing in disguise because he really doesn't have the room to drop things and have a rendevous with me and neither do I. So, I'm happy to get to know him at this point without any expectations or pressures. On the other hand, I know how important it is to have face to face conversations and quality time as then you can really gauge and get a better picture of what it is that you're dealing with.

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