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Thread: I'm 42 and he is 26 - 16 year age difference

  1. #1
    Yellow2013 is offline Neophyte
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    I'm 42 and he is 26 - 16 year age difference

    Hi I'm new here and really glad I found this forum. I don't want to sugar coat my situation so here it goes. I am 42 and married for 17 years. My husband told me two months ago that he wasn't in love with me anymore but he still loved me because of me being the mother to he kids. I was shocked and still am. I don't want to break our family up and said for us to go to Marriage counceling and he said no. I guess we are just gonna stay together for the sake of the children because I haven't been served with divorce papers yet. Well hearing him say that he was not in love with me cut my ego and soul to the ultimate core. Never once in all of our years of marriage have I ever cheated on him. I never even thought about it until I heard him say those hurtful words. I must have been experiencing some sort of mania episode or something because in about three days I had transformed myself into the hot sexy me I knew was hiding inside me. I got more blonde highlights, nail and toes done, facials, tanning, waxing. I've got a ton of new clothes and shoes. Then I met the YM. He is 26 and is so sexy I can hardly stand to look at him without melting away.

    On our first meeting after about two hours we were kissing passionately and couldnt hardly control ourselves.
    We both wanted to have sex but we didn't have a condom. We did have oral sex and it was unreal. I never would have thought someone could make me feel so good and young again.

    I guess our first meeting will also be our last because I told him that we couldn't be seen today because of my current relationship. He said he wanted to meet me at a hotel because he just couldn't stop thinking about our time we had spent together. Well I told him I just couldn't meet him at a hotel. I don't really know why in the heck I said no to the hotel. I feel like an idiot now for acting like that. I want to just message him to tell him I was wrong for basically being a tease. I would say me not agreeing to go to a hotel with him after our experience together is wrong and just leading him on? Help me please I don't know if I should just let it go or email him and tell him how bad my body is wanting him completely. I haven't been able to think straight since I met him. I want to see him again but don't know if I should.

  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    I think that you have to separate issues to have more clarity and no regrets. I feel that I made mistakes in the last years of my marriage and I would do things differently if I could.

    Do NOT cheat on your husband. You just said that only 2 months ago your husband told you that he is not in love with you. Only 2 months. You may even still be in love with your husband, and just be shocked and hurt. Maybe he is going through a phase. Men "menopause" too (mid life crisis). My ex husband used to tell me that I did not make him happy, yet he tried his best to get me back and repair things when we separated (by then it was too late, I had already cheated on him).

    So my advise is to work first on a separation. Once you feel comfortable separated, then work on your divorce. Then and only then start looking at younge men. If you are only 46 you are most likely quite attractive and you will have no problems finding love.
    debralee likes this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  3. #3
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    I think that you have to separate issues to have more clarity and no regrets. I feel that I made mistakes in the last years of my marriage and I would do things differently if I could.

    Do NOT cheat on your husband. You just said that only 2 months ago your husband told you that he is not in love with you. Only 2 months. You may even still be in love with your husband, and just be shocked and hurt. Maybe he is going through a phase. Men "menopause" too (mid life crisis). My ex husband used to tell me that I did not make him happy, yet he tried his best to get me back and repair things when we separated (by then it was too late, I had already cheated on him).

    So my advise is to work first on a separation. Once you feel comfortable separated, then work on your divorce. Then and only then start looking at younge men. If you are only 46 you are most likely quite attractive and you will have no problems finding love.
    I agree with all that SLK said here. I have to say that I went through a similar scenario...feeling unloved and unappreciated, despite my efforts to maintain the romance. I had a nice figure and I bought pretty Victoria's Secret things. I was an excellent cook and tried to make a nice home...plus, I worked. W-O-M-A-N! But the day I sat on his lap in all my Victoria's Secret splendor, only to be pushed aside because I was blocking his view of Animal Planet....everything changed. Yes, you read that right....ANIMAL PLANET....not even football or some other manly sport.

    I started exploring chatrooms on AOL (that's how long ago it was. LOL) I found young men who appreciated me and I became a bit addicted. Maybe I should have been insisting we go to counseling. Oh WAIT! I DID that, and he didn't want to. So here I am....divorced and still a hopeful romantic.

    Bottom line...He's the one who called it off, although you say he hasn't served you with divorce papers. He's going through the "MANOPAUSE". Let him, because you sure as hell can't stop him. They usually come back with their heads hung low like pathetically guilty puppies, and then YOU are the queen. In the mean time, if a little extra-curricular activity gets you through it, then GO GIRL. Just don't leave your hubby for that young stud. Let it be just about YOU.

  4. #4
    MOONBEAM Guest
    You haven't said how long it's been since you had sex with your husband. If he's been distant in that department that would explain the need for some fun outside the marriage.

    What kind of arrangements is he willing to make so that you stay together for the sake of the children? Does it mean you live under the same roof but have a separate love life? Does it mean you still have perfunctory sex but no feelings?
    If you think it's just a phase and he'll come back repentent, how long are you willing to keep on waiting?

    On the other hand, the young man might be exactly what you need right now. To be honest, if you've had oral sex, you've already cheated. If you had had a condom, you would have had intercourse with him anyway...

    But the day I sat on his lap in all my Victoria's Secret splendor, only to be pushed aside because I was blocking his view of Animal Planet....everything changed. Yes, you read that right....ANIMAL PLANET....not even football or some other manly sport.

    This is horrible!

    I guess OP, you have to choose between an ego boost or an ego crush. Also, do you think your husband has a mistress and that's what prompted the shift?

  5. #5
    Yellow2013 is offline Neophyte
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    Thank you both for responding to my post. Yes I guess I already did cheat by having oral sex with him so I guess I can stop trying to talk myself out of meeting him tomorrow. The way I feel is I have been rejected by my own husband who isn't in love we me anymore. He hasn't told me I was pretty, sexy, cute, look nice....etc in about a year. I should have seen this coming. He still has sex with me but it is like just sex....nothing loving about it like it used to be. I remember getting butterfly's when I would see him...those days are clearly gone and all we do is argue all the time. When he said he wasn't in love with me anymore a light came on in me. Like I said before, I never even considered cheating on him. I think he just expects me to stay with him until he falls back in love with me? While he is trying to fall back in love with me which I don't think he will. I think we are over each other. One thing that always bothered me was having more kids....he didn't want anymore but I sure did and still would like to have one more since I'm still in good shape. I should have left over eight years ago when he said he didn't want another child with me. When I reflect back on my life with this man it has really been nothing but financial ruin, me being the main bread winner always and him being just fine with me doing it. I want to enjoy the rest of my years on this earth. Oh "Animal Planet"!!!!! I would have died!

  6. #6
    Yellow2013 is offline Neophyte
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    Well today was supposed to be the day.....well if there isn't some higher power trying to tell me not to do this I am just so freaking upset. We emailed all morning and somehow never met because he went someplace and our times to meet weren't remembered. I am so hurt because he won't even write me back. Maybe this is for the best and just wasn't meant to happen. I'm going to try and work things out with my husband and see if I can't get him to fall back in love with me again. I'll never stray again after this day! I think he changed his mind because I didn't want to play without a condom. This entire experience is just killing my ego really bad and I am sincerely sad.

  7. #7
    xhenli's Avatar
    xhenli is offline Senior Member
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    Well, my dear, I think the situation with your husband, and the situation with this young man are really the same situation: the positive opportunity you have to come to realize how valuable you are and to love yourself without checking with either your husband, a young man, or anyone else.

    Easier said than done, I know, it's a common struggle for women, and I struggle with it all the time--loving and valuing myself.

    Here is my two cents:

    Take a mini-retreat with yourself. If you can take a REAL retreat, then do that too. But if that isn't possible money or time wise (or other reasons), then make a little space for yourself where you take everything off your shoulders and just be with YOU. Go to a park and sit on a bench, or to the woods, or a hot bubble bath--any space that can be quiet and sacred.

    And then just imagine or re-imagine who you are. Maybe it has to do with being overtly sexy, but maybe it doesn't (is that the real you? or something else you thought you had to be? I don't know--only you know the answer, although I do suggest to you that you are sexy simply by the fact that you are breathing ). Try to remember what you cared about when you were a child; maybe think of things you hope for but haven't experienced. Don't try to think too hard--just let yourself BE, and let thoughts and feelings wash over you without making any decisions; just try to feel the universe and your connection to it and to your most authentic self. For example, for myself, something I really miss is my connection with animals--I can't be me without them, and yet most of my life is animal-less. So I am still trying to get there, but what I do have is awareness.

    After this mini-retreat, do something daily to strengthen your awareness of yourself; to strengthen your love for yourself and other people; to strengthen your integrity so that you can respect yourself and other people. This may be reading books, doing meditations, eating nutritionally, spiritual practice, exercise, etc etc etc. Because again, this isn't about your husband or a young man--this is about YOU, and your ability to choose with integrity and awareness, so that you can live with YOURSELF.

    After you take some time to get strong in your--clarity--someone else said it, that's the best word--when you know what the shape of your life should be (taking into consideration the needs of your children as well, of course)--THEN you will be in a position to make decisions regarding your relationship with your husband.

    You will know if YOU are willing to live in a loveless marriage--not whether HE is. Also, if you want sexual activity outside of marriage--under the circumstances, perhaps you can bring it up with your husband and do it honestly and openly (permitting him the same, also), instead of in a deceptive/cheating/furtive/extracurricular manner?

    Even if you have a lot of hot sex with a young man or young men, either as cheating or in an open marriage--is this really the pinnacle of the blessing of your life? is this the definition of your value and love? What do you REALLY want in a love relationship/life partner (or a life with multiple partners, but make sure it's really what you want)?

    I'm not saying to leave your husband, because I think there are a lot of reasons to be valid-ly married and a lot of ways to make that work for the people who are in that marriage. But I hope that whatever decision you come to, it will be from clarity and self-love.

    So this is about you, and you don't need anyone else's permission to go on this wonderful journey into you.
    Mebel, MOONBEAM and MissMuffins like this.

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