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Thread: New guy

  1. #1
    kitkat620's Avatar
    kitkat620 is offline wishful thinker
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    New guy

    Hi everyone. Well, let me see if I can make this short and sweet.
    I met a YM online a couple of months ago. We've been chatting and have met up twice now. Problem: I just don't feel it for him. I mean, I like him, I like talking to him, hanging out, but I do not have any desire for him or sexual attraction. We have kissed a few times but I don't feel anything and to be honest, I would rather not. I don't want to lead him on and I know he wants the relationship to eventually become more intimate. I enjoy his friendship but I don't think he would be content with just that.
    After our first meeting I told him that I didn't think it would progress any further than friendship and he said he wanted more than that and we decided to go our separate ways. Well, after a couple of days of not talking I missed him and texted him telling him I thought we could maybe try for more. He agreed. Well, we spent the evening together Saturday and all I felt for him was him being a good buddy.
    I guess I should be honest with him and let it go. Or should I continue and hope that maybe my feelings change along the way? I'm just afraid that in my heart I am thinking someone is better than no one....
    "We must become the change we want to see."
    Mahatma Gandhi

  2. #2
    gorillagirl Guest
    let him go. it's not fair to him to be used as "mr. right now" cuz you're lonely/bored and waiting for someone better to come along.

  3. #3
    gorillagirl Guest
    p.s.- addendum: i have a VYM "friend with benefits" (going on year 2 now, on and off) but we both know it's just a hookup and will never be anything else at all, ever, and we only hang out once every 2 weeks or so for a few hours---it's just for sex and the occasional ride to the airport--- so if you can negotiate that and you want sex, go for it. but you need to be really honest and let him know that you're not attracted to him for a LTR but if he will accept being "mr. right now," then sure, you guys can bump uglies, temporarily until you're over it. my hookup and i know either one of us could end it any moment when someone real comes along, and that when we break up with whoever, we can always hang out again for sex. it won't be long before i'm waayyy to wrinkled for him (lol) but for now he says i'm the "hottest girl" he's ever been with. girl. LOL. i turn 51 tomorrow. if you can't be that honest, "hey dude, i'm only in it for the sex," then yeh, let him go.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 04-09-2013 at 01:45 AM.

  4. #4
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    NO! Let him go. It's a "cruel to be kind" thing. Not into him? I'm wondering if HE would give YOU the same time. Just let it go.

  5. #5
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    p.s.- addendum: i have a VYM "friend with benefits" (going on year 2 now, on and off) but we both know it's just a hookup and will never be anything else at all, ever, and we only hang out once every 2 weeks or so for a few hours---it's just for sex and the occasional ride to the airport--- so if you can negotiate that and you want sex, go for it. but you need to be really honest and let him know that you're not attracted to him for a LTR but if he will accept being "mr. right now," then sure, you guys can bump uglies, temporarily until you're over it. my hookup and i know either one of us could end it any moment when someone real comes along, and that when we break up with whoever, we can always hang out again for sex. it won't be long before i'm waayyy to wrinkled for him (lol) but for now he says i'm the "hottest girl" he's ever been with. girl. LOL. i turn 51 tomorrow. if you can't be that honest, "hey dude, i'm only in it for the sex," then yeh, let him go.
    GG...you were doing just great without the addendum....just my humble opinion. Seems to me that this kind of thing should be be in a good friend's mailbox...not a public forum...but yeah...just my dumb opinion. This is about her, not you.
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  6. #6
    1love's Avatar
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    Not to mention, that if kitkat is not attracted to him, she probably isn't going to want to have sex with him... just a thought.
    NY10 likes this.
    I've decided that the stuff falling through the cracks is confetti and I'm having a party! ~Betsy Cañas Garmon

  7. #7
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    IMO the big problem is that there is no chemistry. There is nothing worse in this world than doing it with someone you are not attracted to, just because you feel lonely. I have been in that situation and I felt horrible and disgusted. It is not sustainable, and things USUALLY do not get better. The best thing you can do is to cut this with a no-contact break up, more for his sake than for yours.

    So unless you are willing to go all the way just to give this guy the final opportunity to prove himself, it's better to break up.
    gorillagirl likes this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  8. #8
    AmandaAlice's Avatar
    AmandaAlice is offline Senior Member
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    I agree it's better to let the guy go. I dated a guy for a bit because he was everything I thought I was supposed to look for, he was nice, and he had a good job, nice house with land, was polite and not obnoxious, and seemed pretty stable. We got along good as friends, but when it came time for the kissing and bedroom stuff, it was like... meh. No spark for me, no tingly feelings. We took it all the way once, and I was just so not into it, and couldn't wait for it to be over. I felt bad afterwards too, like I shouldn't have done it since I wasn't into it. We went our separate ways after that, though if we see each other, we'll still be friendly.

  9. #9
    gorillagirl Guest
    @VDS- i just wrote that addendum cuz i didn't want to seem like a hypocrite...since i have a FWB and it works for me/us.... but yeh, she should let him go unless she decides she just wants to "get some" without love/LTR potential. it's possible the guy might be totally okay with that and he was just presenting it as more romantic because he didn't want to offend her. you never know what the guy is really thinking ...esp. in the beginning. so, whatever, i think she should let him go UNLESS she wants a true boy toy/hookup after all. there occasionally exists some value and pleasure it in. kitkat is obviously wavering in her feelings. there's nothing wrong in a boytoy hook up as long as everyone is clear on what that means.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 04-10-2013 at 01:55 AM.

  10. #10
    Ashley20 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by VenusDarkStarLA View Post
    GG...you were doing just great without the addendum....just my humble opinion. Seems to me that this kind of thing should be be in a good friend's mailbox...not a public forum...but yeah...just my dumb opinion. This is about her, not you.


    ...... JUST ONE WORD TO ADD TO THAT ........AMEN
    "Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then are shocked and offended to discover that there are other views."
    William F. Buckley, Jr.....

  11. #11
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    Euugh! is it possible to have o n e.... f r e a k i n g..... g o d....d a m n.. s i n g l e.... t h r e a d, thats without someone taking a pop @ someone else.







    @Kitkat, I wouldn't lead this guy on, it will only end in a headache for you. On the other hand, nothing comes with guarentees and if he's happy to gamble some time to see if anything developes well thats cool, and well, it keeps you entertained too.

  12. #12
    chi77 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by VenusDarkStarLA View Post
    GG...you were doing just great without the addendum....just my humble opinion. Seems to me that this kind of thing should be be in a good friend's mailbox...not a public forum...but yeah...just my dumb opinion. This is about her, not you.
    Are you a moderator?
    gorillagirl likes this.

  13. #13
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by kitkat620 View Post
    I'm just afraid that in my heart I am thinking someone is better than no one....
    Around here, we have a saying: It's better to be alone than in bad company.

    You're a lovely, exciting, wonderful, capable, sexy, vibrant, beautiful, COMPLETE person by yourself.

    If your BFF came to you and she was in your present frame of mind, would you "let" her (assuming your BFF is a female and straight) go with a guy who didn't do it for her, just because she felt like she should settle for "someone" because that's "better than no one"?

    *hugs*

    MM
    gorillagirl likes this.
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  14. #14
    NY10's Avatar
    NY10 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by kitkat620 View Post
    Hi everyone. Well, let me see if I can make this short and sweet.
    I met a YM online a couple of months ago. We've been chatting and have met up twice now. Problem: I just don't feel it for him. I mean, I like him, I like talking to him, hanging out, but I do not have any desire for him or sexual attraction. We have kissed a few times but I don't feel anything and to be honest, I would rather not. I don't want to lead him on and I know he wants the relationship to eventually become more intimate. I enjoy his friendship but I don't think he would be content with just that.
    After our first meeting I told him that I didn't think it would progress any further than friendship and he said he wanted more than that and we decided to go our separate ways. Well, after a couple of days of not talking I missed him and texted him telling him I thought we could maybe try for more. He agreed. Well, we spent the evening together Saturday and all I felt for him was him being a good buddy.
    I guess I should be honest with him and let it go. Or should I continue and hope that maybe my feelings change along the way? I'm just afraid that in my heart I am thinking someone is better than no one....
    I have to jump on what others have said, if you are not interested than it's best to let it go. It's not fun being lead on. If the feelings aren't there they can't be forced. It's just a shame because I read in your post that you do like him as a friend AND even missed him for the few days you weren't speaking. Ideally it would be perfect if you both could just manage a nice friendship with each other and nothing more. I don't want to say stick with it until feelings develop because that may never happen and it's taking your time away from meeting someone else and also his.

  15. #15
    kitkat620's Avatar
    kitkat620 is offline wishful thinker
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    Thanks for the replies, however unsavory...(LOL, GG, just kidding of course! I do get where your'e coming from)

    I know in my heart that this probably won't go any further than friendship, and I also know that he won't settle for just that.

    It's funny, after our first meeting when I told him I didn't think we could be more than friends and then changed my mind and decided to give it a whirl, he must have felt something soon after because he did state at one point that he felt my feelings really didn't change much.

    He has been nothing less than honest with me, and I owe him at least the same from me.

    Next time we talk, I am going to have to ask if he would be comfortable being just friends. No benefits. It takes a lot for me to kiss him and anything more would be impossible.

    He just isn't my type, sexually. He's not....rough enough? I don't know if that's the right word, plus he's too skinny for me...when we hug I feel like a big ol' granny squeezing her little grandson....geesh.

    I do need that 'spark' and the butterflies, and you all are right, I shouldn't settle for less AND I shouldn't lead him on. He is too nice of a guy.

    p.s.....thanks so much, MM, for the wonderful compliments. You couldn't imagine what perfect timing that was for me!
    Mebel, SheLikesKitties and 1love like this.
    "We must become the change we want to see."
    Mahatma Gandhi

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