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Thread: Social life diminishing ?

  1. #1
    Rigaudeau is offline Member
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    Social life diminishing ?

    After nearly 2 years of relationship between me and my YM, I find that my social life is going downhill, week in, week out.

    I have a couple of friends, close, friends that I would meet with at least weekkly, plus other friends/colleagues that I would meet with casually (pre-YM), but I seem to see less and less of them lately. I don't know if it's my fault or their fault only - probably both! I just find that I'm getting increasingly 'comfy' with being with my YM, whether this is just staying at home, or eating out, or going to the theatre etc, and not quite bothered that I don't go out with my girlfriends now.

    We do keep in touch via email and social media though. We always say that ''we'll have to meet up soon'', but it never happens. My friends joke with me that they would disappear too, if they had a man 20 yrs younger in their lifes! But I didn't ''disappear'' knowingly, it just happened!

    I also used to get out a lot with my daughter, but this has completely stopped since I got into this relationship with my YM.

    I know I shouldn't be giving up on socialising with my friends, but I just can't help it.

    My YM doesn't seem to mind either. He's happy with what he's got. Also because he lives away from home, he doesn't have many friends here in London, but occasionally he may go out with his work colleagues for a drink (sometimes I join in too, when they bring their partners).

    Any ideas, suggestions, similar experiences? Is what I feel now normal ? Would it pass? Can it pass ?

  2. #2
    NY10's Avatar
    NY10 is offline Senior Member
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    This is common in the beginning stages of the relationship (I think). I know that from experience when I began seeing my OM (we were very close friends first) I wanted to spend all my time and do everything with him. Of course it put a strain on my friendships, I would spend my weekends, vacations, most nights with him. I did realize that I was not seeing my friends as much and I wanted to make sure that they knew I was still around and not abandoning them just because a man came into my life. I have several groups of friends, work friends, close friends, older friends. I have single friends and friends who are married with kids. I needed to find a balance. Once me and my guy got into a routine I wanted to make sure I got my relationships back with those closest to me.

    I meet with my friends now very often, about once or twice a week. We go to the movies, dinners, spend days/nights in the City and have a great time. I live with my guy so I can see him anytime I want. It's healthy to have a life outside of your significant other, spending to much time together can kill the romance of the relationship. I want to do girl things (nails, hair, massages) he wants to do guy things (golf, sporting events) we both have our friends and than each other.

    It's also good to keep your friends as a support. In my previous relationship I put my man first, did everything with him, pretty much shut out my friends and family and just spent all my time with him. When that relationship ended I was devastated and on top of it I was all alone. My friends were pretty upset that I had just excluded them from my life for so long and then when I had no more boyfriend I suddenly wanted to just appear again.

    I would make some plans with your friends and stick to it. Sometime simple and easy to start off with and make sure you follow through, I am sure your guy won't mind and you will see that getting out, sharing some laughs and have a good time with the girls is fun and when you get back home you'll enjoy time with your sweetie, absence makes the heart grow founder and I know that even a few hours away from my guy makes me coming home to him that much more special.
    pinkunicorn and gorillagirl like this.

  3. #3
    gorillagirl Guest
    You need your friends/family/social life as much as you need your lover. When (if) the lover is gone, the friends/family/social life remain.
    SheLikesKitties and debralee like this.

  4. #4
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    I also feel my social life diminishing. My best gf has been man-less for almost 2 years, we used to double date, now we go out once or twice a year at night and about once a month for lunch. My other best gf with whom we used to double date is having horrible family problems, and my other friend moved temporarily to South Korea.

    I have never had many close friends anyways, so I do not feel odd.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  5. #5
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rigaudeau View Post
    After nearly 2 years of relationship between me and my YM, I find that my social life is going downhill, week in, week out.

    I have a couple of friends, close, friends that I would meet with at least weekkly, plus other friends/colleagues that I would meet with casually (pre-YM), but I seem to see less and less of them lately. I don't know if it's my fault or their fault only - probably both! I just find that I'm getting increasingly 'comfy' with being with my YM, whether this is just staying at home, or eating out, or going to the theatre etc, and not quite bothered that I don't go out with my girlfriends now.

    We do keep in touch via email and social media though. We always say that ''we'll have to meet up soon'', but it never happens. My friends joke with me that they would disappear too, if they had a man 20 yrs younger in their lifes! But I didn't ''disappear'' knowingly, it just happened!

    I also used to get out a lot with my daughter, but this has completely stopped since I got into this relationship with my YM.

    I know I shouldn't be giving up on socialising with my friends, but I just can't help it.

    My YM doesn't seem to mind either. He's happy with what he's got. Also because he lives away from home, he doesn't have many friends here in London, but occasionally he may go out with his work colleagues for a drink (sometimes I join in too, when they bring their partners).

    Any ideas, suggestions, similar experiences? Is what I feel now normal ? Would it pass? Can it pass ?
    What I'm reading here is that your guy is going out occasionally with his work mates...with or without you...while you only maintain contact with your friends through the internet. If you're missing that social interaction, then why not make plans with a friend or 2, on those nights he is with his work mates? And none of that "we'll have to meet up soon"...you know that will never happen, right? Make definite plans!

    Also, if you've become friendly with your man's work mates and their partners, why not throw a dinner party? Be proactive about it!

    I'm kind of like SLK in that I've never had a lot of close friends. It's not something I feel is missing or that makes me sad.....I'm just a product of my environment like everyone else. My mom & stepdad moved around a LOT...and when I say a lot, I mean every year until I was in high school, and then I still went to two of those schools! I guess the negative side is that I never got a chance to form long term childhood relationships, and I became conditioned to not even trying, because I knew we'd just move away eventually anyway.

    The positive side to it is that I formed a very close relationship with my mother and the two brothers I was raised with. I think I made more friends once I got married. But my last marriage was more isolating, because he didn't really enjoy having people over. Well, I got tired of it and put my foot down, but if it wasn't for me making the plans, we might never get together with anyone.

    Girlfriends were happy for me, but disappeared. I think we start talking about different things. I remember one friend scolding me, saying she would like to hear about ME for once, and not my current boyfriend or husband. But how that changed when SHE met someone! Then I heard his name in nearly every sentence. I guess we are at risk of becoming bores, so we aren't as fun to hang out with anymore.

    Personally, I would welcome the initial seclusion, and I think you need that to bond. But if you don't like to spend a lot of time alone, then you need to either rekindle some real life friendships, or make some new ones.
    SheLikesKitties likes this.

  6. #6
    Air
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    When I lived in my relationship, me and my husband spent most of the time together. We had a few friends we met occasionally, now and then. Neither of us cared for large events or for intense nightlife. We both also came from large families and that kept us busy with holidays, birthdays, and holidays together.

    I am a person who thrives quite well with solitude, I feel no direct need to be in a group of people. So as single I mostly have contact with my family. I also believe that one should distinguish between work and leisure, so I prefer not to close contact with my colleagues. I have repeatedly seen how such a friendship can go overboard and that it would affect the working climate in a negative way.

    However, I'm thinking if I as a single and relatively alone is more unprotecte talking in social terms if I were to meet a man. Is it automatically so that a person with a great social life become the strong person in a relationship? What do you think about that? Can two people with different social life fit for living together? Or will such a relationship become unbalanced? What do you think?
    VenusDarkStarLA likes this.
    Navigare necesse est!

  7. #7
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Quote Originally Posted by Air View Post
    However, I'm thinking if I as a single and relatively alone is more unprotecte talking in social terms if I were to meet a man. Is it automatically so that a person with a great social life become the strong person in a relationship? What do you think about that? Can two people with different social life fit for living together? Or will such a relationship become unbalanced? What do you think?
    In theory in most relationships a middle-of-the-road position should be reached through communication and negotiation.

    However, in my experience, the less sociable person makes such a stink every time a social event is called for that the more sociable person starts either socializing less or socializing by him/herself.

    As I said before, I am not very sociable, but my ex and my current husband are even less sociable than me.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  8. #8
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Air View Post
    When I lived in my relationship, me and my husband spent most of the time together. We had a few friends we met occasionally, now and then. Neither of us cared for large events or for intense nightlife. We both also came from large families and that kept us busy with holidays, birthdays, and holidays together.

    I am a person who thrives quite well with solitude, I feel no direct need to be in a group of people. So as single I mostly have contact with my family. I also believe that one should distinguish between work and leisure, so I prefer not to close contact with my colleagues. I have repeatedly seen how such a friendship can go overboard and that it would affect the working climate in a negative way.

    However, I'm thinking if I as a single and relatively alone is more unprotecte talking in social terms if I were to meet a man. Is it automatically so that a person with a great social life become the strong person in a relationship? What do you think about that? Can two people with different social life fit for living together? Or will such a relationship become unbalanced? What do you think?
    I think what you're asking is very important, and based upon my own experience, I would say that each person's social needs should be as compatible as other common interests. That doesn't mean you need to be exactly the same, because wouldn't that be boring?

    I'm a very adaptable person...Mom used to call me The Chameleon. But I prefer not to be with someone who's like the social butterfly, anymore than I want to be with a complete recluse. I remember feeling very lonely when I had a boyfriend who was always taking me to big parties, and if there weren't any, he would throw his own party. When we took a road trip together to Yosemite and then to San Francisco, he would engage shop owners in long conversation. If someone spoke Greek in an elevator, he would make a new friend with that guy too! This was the Frenchman and everyone loved him. He could hardly wait to meet my family, because that meant MORE PEOPLE!

    Don't get me wrong. I ADORED him, but in retrospect, I now understand why I could be so in love and yet feel so miserable. We were not a social match! If we had lived together, we might have driven each other mad. After this experience, I was drawn to someone who was his complete opposite, and that obviously didn't work either. I know that there are always compromises to be made, but I think I've found my happy medium in Joe. We both like social time with family, but in small doses. And with friends...an occasional outing or weekend getaway.

    In the end, I think you need to either be very flexible or to find someone who is as social or reclusive as you are.

  9. #9
    Stiletto's Avatar
    Stiletto is offline Senior Member
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    I've never been particularly social so no, it hasn't diminished. If anything, it's increased as we're both active members and on the board of the local reptile club. My ex was never interested enough to become an active member, but I was/am.
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  10. #10
    Ellethe's Avatar
    Ellethe is offline Ex-Marcy'd
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    Well we've been married many years now, but no I've not found this to be the case. As a couple, we have several really close couple friends that we see fairly often for working adults with teens in the house. Our kids keep us pretty busy on the weekends anyway with sports etc. It is important to the foundation of any relationship to have acceptance and support. If you are always alone at home, how can you have that? Get out there!
    Psycho hatchet wielding midgets deserve to die

  11. #11
    Jewelzz's Avatar
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    When I first read this thread I thought..."ah this is something I've been pondering about myself". The reason being that when my YM came over to Canada to live for awhile as we decided if we were going to take the long term relationship approach, I noticed a few of my friends started not calling as much, no invites to dinner parties...that sort of thing. I thought perhaps that it was something I had said or done until a very old friend of mine (26 yr friendship) came right out and told me..she didn't want to meet my young man who is 17 yrs my junior. as the relationship made her uncomfortable. Whatever the reason, and I later did find out why she was uncomfortable, the reality was we were slowly unknowingly sloughing off some people from our life who just couldn't fit into our life any longer. This did include a family member who was also "uncomfortable". It was a painful process at times for me as I am a social person while my young man is more introverted. However, you live, you learn and that is what I had to do. Keep the ones around you who support you and simply wave goodbye to those who no longer support you.

    So, while most relationships have that honeymoon period where the lovebirds are focused on each other and OW/YM and OM/YW relationships are no different in this way, I think we are susceptible to other people's issues about our relationships which can cause a bit of isolationism. Its not as huge as how folks used to treat couples in the homosexual community or mixed race couples in the 50s...but our age-gap relationships are unique to society.

    Btw, my YM and I now live in Scotland and yes, there are relatives who are a bit uncomfortable but we are a bit more experienced now and as long as we continue to enjoy life's experience together hand-in-hand happily the naysayers matter not.

  12. #12
    dragonflysky is offline Member
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    When married, my husband was also my "best friend". Not to say I didn't have good female friends, because I did. But the reality is that by the time we both got home from our respective jobs each night...and worked a full work week....we were eager to have some relaxation/recreation time with each other. If either of us wanted to go out with other friends, that was ok, too, but that was more the exception.

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