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Thread: Warning; lots of crazy is about to be unleashed.

  1. #1
    LoisLane's Avatar
    LoisLane is offline Member
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    Warning; lots of crazy is about to be unleashed.

    Hi Everyone. I'm having a massive crisis of confidence at the moment and i think i need some advice, help, words of wisdom, a good telling off....whatever you can offer.

    For about the last 3 weeks i have started wondering if i should end things with my YM. I have become so obsessed with noticing every new line,wrinkle and sag that appears on my face and it is getting me down to the point where i feel as though i will only be able to hang on to any thread of attractiveness for a couple more years maximum and so keep wondering whether to cut my losses now as i have convinced myself he will just leave me for someone younger when that happens.

    Admittedly i have never felt great about myself, i think i briefly did sometime in my 30's lol, so i know this isn't only because of the age gap. But coupled with the age gap it has become a bigger issue that seeps into everything. Like i never accept his parents offers of going to tea with them (even though we have met a couple of times and it was fine) as i feel such a let down, like i should look younger or better. I also feel the same about being around his friends even though we all get on very well and i have been told they like me. But then i tend to avoid people in general at the moment because i feel super self conscious. I do take care of myself and always try to look good but i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle. I know i am more than what i see in the mirror and i know he loves me for who i am but i am having a hard time with this getting older stuff. Ever since i turned 40 its been getting worse and worse.

    We have such a good relationship. Even when we have ups and downs we work them out so well and its definitely the best relationship i've ever had. But i'm feeling so insecure and scared that i recently started talking to him about maybe taking a break from us so i could think about stuff. He was really upset by the idea and in reality i would find it really hard to take a break. He is like my best friend as well as my partner and to not speak to him each day would be hard.

    I feel like i'm losing my mind and i really need some perspective.

  2. #2
    trolleycar's Avatar
    trolleycar is offline I still play with trains
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    HI LoisLane
    Don't put your self down. we all have lines and rankles. And god for bid a gray hair. let me tell you what I would give for a bunch more Gray Hair. I am Photographer and one of the models I work with a lot. This girl is gorgeous I use her when ever I can find a shoot that she would fit into. To working with her is a pleasure. On the last shoot we went for chow. and she told me that she wants to loose about 10 Pounds. When I heard her say that I said to her what are you crazy if any thing you should put on about ten Pounds. Every time I work with her I think to my self I wish her could put on about ten pound . With models they always want to be so thin if you were to see them with out there makeup on all lot of then would look sick.
    If you have a guy that you like and he likes you. don't let him get away. I will give you odds the your YM has the same kind of feeling about Remember we are own worst enemies when it comes to how we look.
    And there are only two people that you and your YM have to please and that is you two. every one comes in Dead last.
    If you have a relationship the works don't let your self talk you out of being happy. Remember life is to short to let the little things give you grief.
    I believe that god has put the right person for each of us on the earth to spend the rest of our life with. So don't take the change the you have found that person and by breaking up you may kick your self for the rest of your life, For doing so. Enjoy what you have now.
    One more thing about looks every one things that they are pretty unattractive. At least I do. but my Girl Friend keeps telling me that am handsome. Inthink you all feel that way do to the fact we are on the inside looking out at the world and ever one else is looking at us from the outside. I don't Know it that ant sence?
    Just don't put your self down
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  3. #3
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    LL please don't feel bad. If your YM is anything like me (and most YM attracted to OW) he barely even thinks about wrinkles/grey hairs etc. To me, the only time it would be a "problem" would be if she decided to just suddenly not take care of herself at all.

    We may be young, but we aren't stupid, we are all very aware of what we're getting into looks-wise. What matters is you do try to keep up with the basics but by no means going overboard. If he really had a problem with it, he'd let you know. But he's an adult, right? Seems unfair for you to make that descision for him. If you were with a same-age man I guarantee you'd worry about your looks just as much, yet would you be contemplating leaving just because of them?

    I'm not dogging on you, but I think as someone whom I'd be willing to bet views as an equal partnership, it's unfair for YOU alone to decide what's "best". You need to have a frank talk together, even on issues where you feel vulnerable; that's what couples do. Let him know of your concerns and let him give his thoughts. I can tell you right now I look at OW very differently than YW (and I'm dating an 18 year old lol) and, of course realize they may have some wrinkles and such, but it doesn't make them any less beautiful. It's obvious you really care about him and want what is best, which is what matters. He could date several pretty YW that treat him like crap.

    I do realize that it can be very hard to not feel down with all the media and stuff, but you just have to ask yourself are you going to let it control you or are you in charge of your own destiny and be seen as the loving, caring woman that just so happens to be in a relationship with a YM?

    Again, if he's anything like me he will see you as every bit as attractive as a YW, even physically, but in a different way. Just as you worry about how your YM thinks of you, I'm certain he could very well be worrying you'll leave him for a more experienced/well off OM.

    Everyone has these kinds of thoughts, whether they be OW, YM, OM, YW. What matters is we are honest to each other about how we feel.

  4. #4
    Sophia is offline Neophyte
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    my thoughts

    I feel the same. It isn't really about him for me, it's more about how the age gap makes me feel. I feel older, because I am older. I do think in some ways it would be a lot easier on me to be with a man 11 years older rather than 11 years younger because then I'd be the "young and pretty" one.

    But like someone said... don't make decisions for him. I learned that too. He's an adult and it's his choice.
    Last edited by Sophia; 05-16-2013 at 10:24 AM. Reason: typo
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  5. #5
    Slow Worm's Avatar
    Slow Worm is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LoisLane View Post
    i have started wondering if i should end things with my YM. I have become so obsessed with noticing every new line,wrinkle and sag that appears on my face..... i really need some perspective.
    You certainly do need perspective!

    Re-stated, you have written that you want to leave your man (despite writing "We have such a good relationship") and that the reason for doing so is that you believe your are looking less attractive than you did before.

    Think this through. Even if this reduction in attractiveness is real (which I doubt) why is that a reason to end a good relationship?


    i feel as though i will only be able to hang on to any thread of attractiveness for a couple more years maximum.
    Being married to a gorgeously alluring 62-year-old, I just cannot take this seriously. You wrote in another post that you are 40. 40. Not 80.
    Is there something very odd about your looks, or do you mean women in general lose their appeal just past 40? A quick look around will show that that idea is absurd. There are plenty of very attractive women a lot older than 40.

    As for lines and wrinkles, look at these ladies:

    Do Tell Productions

    http://images.smh.com.au/2011/09/05/.../IMF-200x0.jpg

    http://quitecontinental.files.wordpr...12/lagarde.jpg



    Enlarge the images all you like. Lines and wrinkles..... yes. Any less attractive for them..........?

    (I doubt either lady was any more attractive at 40 then they are now).


    i have convinced myself he will just leave me for someone younger when that happens.
    You said it. Convinced YOURSELF. This has not come from him, has it? He is not thinking of that - you are.

    If he had some particular attraction to girlishness he would not be with you now. He is with you. He is attracted to you. There is no reason why that should change because you are 40. You might be sheding the last vestiges of girlishness but that will not make you any less attractive in the eyes of any man who, as yours surely does, appreciates the elegance and allure of grown-up women.



    SW

  6. #6
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    40??? OH NO!!! Seriously? If you've truly been taking care of yourself, then your physical appearance is NOT the problem....it's your self esteem. I can almost PROMISE you that the wrinkles and sagging will NOT give his eyes and heart cause to wander....but a lack of confidence is a huge turn-off to most men, so take care of THAT, because if you feel unattractive on the inside, no magical potion or cream will make you feel differently.

    There is a plethora of resources out there, even for those who aren't insured or budgeted for therapy. Books, CD's, subliminal messages (the latter DOES work) In fact...I'm feeling really bloated and just generally having one of my "ugly" days....so I'm due for a bit of home therapy myself.

    Other than that...I agree with what Azureth said....Don't make that decision for him. It will hurt him and once you start talking about it with him, he may even start noticing things he never saw before.

    Above all....SMILE...even if you don't feel it. It's contagious...even to yourself.

  7. #7
    Slow Worm's Avatar
    Slow Worm is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by VenusDarkStarLA View Post
    a lack of confidence is a huge turn-off to most men,
    Particularly, I think, to those of us attracted to OW. Confidence and maturity have a lot in common.


    SW

  8. #8
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slow Worm View Post
    Particularly, I think, to those of us attracted to OW. Confidence and maturity have a lot in common.


    SW
    Exactly, an OW, due to her experience and knowledge has the ability to come off as confident is extra sexy (not knocking YW).
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  9. #9
    mickysixtynine's Avatar
    mickysixtynine is offline Super Furry Animal
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    Perspective. Okay then, here's some.

    You sound quite sweet, but like has been said previously, self esteem may be an issue.

    Look, it may sound harsh, but low self esteem isn't an attractive trait. However, your man still wants to be with you and sounds like an okay guy. So you must have bags of other attractive traits that he likes. With what you've told us, you have every chance he recognises this in you but doesn't broach the subject because he's a little apprehensive about the situation. I can't obviously guarantee that this is the case, but like I say, good chance. He will wonder why you hardly ever see his parents, especially if they were nice with you. So you need to address that. And in so doing, also regain perhaps some of your self esteem. I'll bet everything I own, which is virtually **** all, that you're a sweet enough lady and attractive with it. You've just listened to your own negative opinion about yourself a little too often. And yourself isn't objective in these matters.

    However, you really need to read some of your own words back:

    Quote Originally Posted by LoisLane View Post
    We have such a good relationship. Even when we have ups and downs we work them out so well and its definitely the best relationship i've ever had.
    Listen to yourself here, because this bit's important. It's not negative and speaks volumes.

    Quote Originally Posted by LoisLane View Post
    But i'm feeling so insecure and scared that i recently started talking to him about maybe taking a break from us so i could think about stuff. He was really upset by the idea and in reality i would find it really hard to take a break. He is like my best friend as well as my partner and to not speak to him each day would be hard.
    Don't go ****in it up then by doing something you or he would clearly not benefit from. There's no need, really. Too much thinking ruins your day Lois..

    Quote Originally Posted by LoisLane View Post
    Like i never accept his parents offers of going to tea with them (even though we have met a couple of times and it was fine) as i feel such a let down, like i should look younger or better. I also feel the same about being around his friends even though we all get on very well and i have been told they like me.
    You really need to address this. But in so doing, like I said, you can beat a few demons at the same time. Go to his parents, show them how much you care for their son, perhaps telling them the great qualities you see in him. Be confident, because you have the relationship already, you have every reason to be confident. Same with his friends, because from what you say, you have little to fear from either them or his folks.

    Quote Originally Posted by LoisLane View Post
    For about the last 3 weeks i have started wondering if i should end things with my YM. I have become so obsessed with noticing every new line,wrinkle and sag that appears on my face and it is getting me down to the point where i feel as though i will only be able to hang on to any thread of attractiveness for a couple more years maximum and so keep wondering whether to cut my losses now as i have convinced myself he will just leave me for someone younger when that happens.
    Don't buy into the media crap about how you should look, don't believe the hype. Yes, you notice the wrinkles. I'll again bet the sum total of nothing, nish, niente, etc. that I own that he doesn't. That's because he's too busy enjoying the rest of you. Don't think yourself out of a good relationship, it's so unnecessary.

    Quote Originally Posted by LoisLane View Post
    I feel like i'm losing my mind and i really need some perspective.
    You've had quite a bit on this thread, listen to it and then go out and build your confidence.

    And you can do this, once you open your mind to the fact that it's not just your opinion of yourself that's important here, there are other very valid opinions, such as your partner's, his friends', his parents'. And they seem very good from what you say. Once we're in a relationship, these opinions become important. You seem to have them all in your favour.


    The only thing you have to fear is fear itself. Don't let that stop you, it sounds like you'll be okay if you just realise why you can be confident. And that might involve realising just what a good thing you might have with this guy. Talking to him might help too..

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  10. #10
    thatoneperson's Avatar
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    I don't think it's fair for you to determine whether you're good enough to be with your YM. He's not stupid. He's with you for a reason. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be. Why are you insulting him by implying that he doesn't actually know what he wants in a lover? You're not taking his feelings into account at all. It sounds like he'd be heartbroken if you dumped him. Why would you do that to somebody you want to be with?

  11. #11
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by thatoneperson View Post
    I don't think it's fair for you to determine whether you're good enough to be with your YM. He's not stupid. He's with you for a reason. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be. Why are you insulting him by implying that he doesn't actually know what he wants in a lover? You're not taking his feelings into account at all. It sounds like he'd be heartbroken if you dumped him. Why would you do that to somebody you want to be with?
    Exactly. Fact is when an OW/M gets involved with a younger partner they can choose how they view them. Do they view them as a equal partner, or do they view them as too young to know what they are doing? Fact is if he were your age you wouldn't be thinking twice about this. Making decisions for someone else is what a parent does for a child!
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  12. #12
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    kittylane is offline Senior Member
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    I point out my parts that I dont like to the hubby. He thinks I am nuts. I think he may be right, we will be hitched 9 years next month. I was so insecure and fretted and freaked and broke it off with him. All the usual drill.

    He is my best friend too. We started as friends, still are.

    He does not have children from a previous relationship and I am his first marriage. And he is super cute, very fit, charming and sweet. So sometimes people fall in love and it works. It just does, I deserve my relationship! Claim your happiness and let no body rain on your parade.

  13. #13
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    After reading your post LL, I went to Google and found

    Phobia: an extreme or irrational fear.

    The logical next step was to find a term for AGRphobia, but there is none. Someone with some knowledge of Latin could perhaps help here, so we could coin our term? And then maybe get a paper published in a Psychology journal?

    Anyways, like with every phobia, one common therapy is exposure therapy. In other words, continue your relationship and eventually you will be cured.

    Now tell me where I can send you the bill.

    But seriously, you received great advice here. I know how you feel, I often used to feel the same, but one gets immunized eventually. Trust me. You will be fine. Then there will be a few relapses, but they will be more and more spaced.
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    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  14. #14
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    CrazyLove is offline Member
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    Wow...only 40? Only 11 years?

    Either fix your self esteem issues now or youll have a self fulfillled prophecy.

    Chris and I just celebrated 10 years together, 6 married...our relationship really couldnt be much better. Im (almost) 51...hes 31.

    Pull yourself together girl.

    Tam

  15. #15
    Harmony 7 is offline Senior Member
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    Hi Lois! Whoa! Sounds like you have a lot of self-esteem issues, especially regarding your looks, being around his parents and friends. Let it all go! You yourself say you all have such a great relationship! Sounds really good to me overall!

    I think you are being over self-critical about your looks, etc. A relationship should be about so much more than that.
    We can all take care of ourselves as much as we can, but we cannot fight nature and should not fight nature. There is also beauty in natural aging! It's all good!

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