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Thread: Not a Second Time

  1. #1
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    Not a Second Time

    Two days ago, I was in love with a young military man who returned to my life after breaking up with me last year, just prior to his deployment to Afghanistan. When we decided to put the past behind and move forward, I believed him with all my heart, even though he lives on the other side of the country and we had never met in person. He talked about marriage and eventually retiring in California. In the mean time, I would marry him and live with him at his new home in South Carolina, near Ft. Jackson.

    So he was originally going to send for me to come there for a visit, but realizing that his home was in a rather chaotic state from packing, cleaning, painting etc, he told me he changed his plans and would come to Los Angeles the last weekend of June, just prior to his final move. Today would have been just one week before his arrival.

    On Tuesday, he was texting me as usual, with his regular "I love you's", followed by more texting and a phone call later in the day. Even though his words were the same, something in the tone of his voice set off a quiet little alarm in my head, which I chose to ignore. The next day, he seemed distracted and his tone had changed. When I texted him to say "I love you", he returned it with, "I know you do". WHAT???

    I thought I was just being paranoid, but then he proceeded to break up with me...in TEXT! A grown man of 33 breaking up with someone by texting?...the same one he allegedly LOVED the day before???

    He said that when he saw all the other guys with their families at his drill sergeant graduation, he became depressed, He said he wanted "another shot at raising a child"....which of course, I can not give to him. And here I thought I was safe, because he already HAS two children. Well....2 kids he never sees, because they live in Tennessee. He pays child support and her mortgage, amounting to about $1300 a month, and says she makes it hard on him to visit. Something isn't right, and I'm not buying it.

    So let me get this straight. He wants to turn his back on his children like they don't exist and make himself feel better by making another baby? I suppose the arrival of Father's Day didn't help either.....he seemed very depressed on that day, but then he said it ALWAYS depresses him. His twin brother has a family and a happy marriage, and that gets to him as well.

    I have no doubts about his identity, so that's not the issue here at all. But how does a person do a 180 like this? How can you love someone one day and the next day...NOT?

    His texts were followed by desperate emails, begging for my forgiveness. The one that went to my gmail account got a reply from me that was a simple...."NO." The email he sent to my yahoo account, an exact duplicate, wasn't received well either. I told him that he is a liar and a coward, and that if he ever changes his mind, don't even bother to contact me, unless it's to show me an itinerary...but don't expect me to hold my breath!

    How could I ever even consider doing it again? Well, I highly doubt he will go to that expense and trouble, knowing that I could have easily moved on. And being the resilient soul that I am, I've already been on the hunt, chatting up local guys who want to actually DATE me. I know it's just part of the healing process, and that I won't fall in love for some time to come....but it's what I've got for now. I still feel numb from shock, but at least I'm not randomly bursting into tears...as much.

    And yes, I've learned a harsh lesson here. I'll only date locally, and I won't be wasting my time chatting up some guy who lives far away and probably will never date me. How can I ever believe anyone again? I feel like all my faith is gone, along with my love.
    gorillagirl and 1love like this.

  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Val, you may feel at this moment that your faith is gone, but in time, you will again feel faith and love. You are a very brave, kind, intelligent woman, and it will be a matter of time when you will find love, real love this time.

    What surprises me is that he has the nerve to ask for your forgiveness.

    In a way it is better that you guys never met. A break up is way harder once a couple has spent time physically together, had sex, found compatibility etc.

    I had a friend from Ohio that met her guy twice, they discussed living together, and she had even quit her job, right before he broke up with her for stupid reasons. Luckily, she was highly appreciated at her job and her position had not been filled and she got her job back. The second time she tried online, it was a guy from Belgium who did not work either, in a disastrous way, when she traveled to Belgium, he was shady. She gave up on LDRs and now she is happily married to a guy in Ohio, same city.
    1love and mskitty like this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  3. #3
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    Val, you may feel at this moment that your faith is gone, but in time, you will again feel faith and love. You are a very brave, kind, intelligent woman, and it will be a matter of time when you will find love, real love this time.

    What surprises me is that he has the nerve to ask for your forgiveness.

    In a way it is better that you guys never met. A break up is way harder once a couple has spent time physically together, had sex, found compatibility etc.

    I had a friend from Ohio that met her guy twice, they discussed living together, and she had even quit her job, right before he broke up with her for stupid reasons. Luckily, she was highly appreciated at her job and her position had not been filled and she got her job back. The second time she tried online, it was a guy from Belgium who did not work either, in a disastrous way, when she traveled to Belgium, he was shady. She gave up on LDRs and now she is happily married to a guy in Ohio, same city.
    Thank you SLK. I know that no matter how jaded I feel today, that these feelings (or lack thereof) will make way for new love. And yes....the NERVE of him asking for forgiveness!!! Why? So he can feel better about what he did? Grumpy Cat says NO!
    chi77, eponavet and karlsgirl like this.

  4. #4
    NY10's Avatar
    NY10 is offline Senior Member
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    I'm sorry that this had to happen (again). I agree with SLK that at least you did not meet and invest even more into this relationship than you already have. It's still new and fresh which makes it hurt more, the pain will turn to anger and eventually this will be a learning experience and you'll be fine.
    VenusDarkStarLA likes this.

  5. #5
    gorillagirl Guest
    He's a scumbag. Be strong and do NOT take him back. Ever. For any reason. No matter how many sweet words. Unless there is an airline ticket itinerary in your email inbox showing PAID, don't even speak to him ever again. NO CONTACT. Twice is enough. Sending you love.

  6. #6
    LoisLane's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry this has happened to you especially after you have been so happy recently. I know that it doesn't really help right now but I think you have handled it the best way; you have to keep your dignity.

    You will find your faith again. I never thought i would love again after allowing myself to be mistreated more times than i care to admit to by one man and i never thought i would trust anyone but here i am doing just that and you will again too.
    VenusDarkStarLA likes this.

  7. #7
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you all....GG, I know, and that's exactly what I told him. I've deleted ALL contact info, photos, as well as hundreds of emails from 2 accounts. I deleted him from Skype, so along with that goes all conversations. This is how you burn a bridge!

    What I have left is my dignity. I will NOT forgive him....or at least I won't give him the satisfaction of saying so.

  8. #8
    gorillagirl Guest
    venus,
    filter all your emails so his goes directly into the trash and deletes off the server immediately. or delete the email addresses he knows and get all new email accounts. then block him from your phone and skype. deleting isn't enough. you need to BLOCK him.
    and do NOT contact him on his birthday, xmas, etc...for any reason. ANY REASON. he played you for a fool twice with all his lies/promises. don't let him burn you a 3rd time. you KNOW now that he's a sociopathic manipulative lying sociopathic game-playing sociopathic future-faking sociopathic devious psycho, right? you need to know it, believe it, live it. sorry to say but you were just a toy. again. for some sick twisted reason, he just got off on playing you. he is emotionally deranged... a heartless abuser...you can not fix him, ever. he is damaged goods. 100% damaged. try and tap into all your rage and self protection. focus on your dignity...last time you lost it and caved in with that happy birthday wish ...never again. no wallowing in self pity. really get angry. let your anger keep you strong. do not give him another millisecond of power. do not contact him. ever. i hate him and i hope he gets a bullet in his arsse.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 06-21-2013 at 08:50 PM.

  9. #9
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    There's a saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

    I suppose he's confused, lonely, depressed, whatever. That doesn't give him an excuse to treat you like crud. You don't wanna be one of those constant-drama break up and make-up couples.

    Looks like you dodged a bullet. That dodging may have left you with a few scrapes on your knees, but it's better than getting caught up with him, possibly marrying him, only to have him file for divorce three years down the road because he wants an "ideal" family: 2.5 kids, dog, picket fence, happily ever after, etc.

    Good job.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  10. #10
    gorillagirl Guest
    venus- you wrote "not a second time" as your topic heading. you did get burned a 2nd time so i think you should update this, really, to "NOT A THIRD TIME"...or "NEVER AGAIN." i actually don't believe a word he said about him waking up and realizing he wants the family, etc, and that being reason for the break up. the reason for the break up is that he was lying/playing you all along and had zero intention of meeting you in NC or LA because he's a sociopath and he was just using you for entertainment. sorry. but i can't imagine if he was truly serious about you, he would have dumped you over wanting a family just at the same time he cancelled your trip to NC. it's too fishy. red flag-o-rama. if he's a narcissist, this is textbook narcissism. he wanted FOOD/narcissistic supply. he realized he couldn't keep up the charade with you (airline tickets needed to be purchased) so he's gone again. this is a re-run of last time exactly, same modus operandi, different excuses. when it came time to meet, he flaked. intentionally. why? because he had zero true intention of meeting you to begin with. he just used you as a plaything to feed his delusional ego. i hate to be so blunt but that's what he did. it was so obvious because the airline tickets weren't purchased a few months ago. his after-breakup-texts begging for forgiveness were because he flipped out and realized he had just given up his most interesting toy and he can't handle boredom. he's a sociopath and they are adreneline junkies and he had a panicky moment cuz he lost his source of narcicissitic supply. this is TEXTBOOK. sorry you didn't see it. you were so blinded by hope. if you can take a vacation, do so. use the time you were setting aside for NC and get outta LA and have an adventure. remember last year i offered to connect with him and repay him for his evil deeds? i'm still willing. i've been in your position several times in my life with future fakers / liars or guys who just never were committed but said all the right things to keep me hanging on. the only difference is they were already in my bed, yanno? be glad you never set eyes on his sorry self. he's a toxic waste site, barely human. no compassion, no forgiveness ever again. you dodged a bullet!!!!! thank goddess!!! xo
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 06-21-2013 at 09:31 PM.

  11. #11
    chi77 Guest
    Really sorry to read this. All I can say is there are people in this world who do not possess the basic emotional equipment to be in an honest and real relationship. This man appears to be one of those people. You're smart enough to know this is no reflection on you. He is going to do the same thing to the next woman, and the next.

    Don't change a thing about yourself. Just protect your heart and don't give it away again until he has been put to the test and you know for certain he has what you want and will give you what you deserve.

    Now get out there and have some fun.

  12. #12
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you again everyone. I am crying again, but honestly, it isn't because I'm sad about HIM. I'm just overwhelmed by the loving support I'm getting here.

    I don't need to block him. Deletion is enough for me. I even went through all my emails and deleted a couple hundred MORE letters to and from family & friends, talking about him. Anything that has his name in it got trashed.

    I kind of panicked a moment ago, because someone texted me, but thankfully, it turned out to be a cute boy I met on a dating site. Not sure I should go there yet. Besides, I told this guy that I'm not talking to him anymore until I get a real phone call instead of all this texting. BLAH!

    And NO...I will NOT send him anymore birthday or holiday greetings. Let him think about it and feel as crappy as I do right now. If he texts or calls me, I will ignore it....I PROMISE. He can email me a PAID flight itinerary if he likes, but that ain't gonna happen. I served my purpose and now my usefulness is gone for him.

    I kind of feel sorry for the guys in my future, because I'm gonna put them through hell to earn the privilege of being in this queen's court!
    chi77, gorillagirl and pinkunicorn like this.

  13. #13
    gorillagirl Guest
    and you're not willing to block him because!??????!!! xoxoxo

  14. #14
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    and you're not willing to block him because!??????!!! xoxoxo
    Because I don't need to GG. Maybe it makes me feel as if I'm in more control of myself than he is of HIMSELF. If he does write to me, it will give me a smug satisfaction to ignore him. Maybe that's not your way, but for now, this works for me.
    gorillagirl, NY10 and karlsgirl like this.

  15. #15
    gorillagirl Guest
    while i agree it's so juicy and yummy to ignore him if he attempts to contact you, blocking him makes sure you don't cave a few weeks/months from now. so just be honest with yourself. if you feel, weeks or months from now, that you might want to reply to his contact and work it out somehow (discuss, forgive, etc), then block away! blocking is all about self-preservation when you feel weak. i hope, after round two with this turd, that you won't feel weak or forgiving ever again. shut this door 100% forever.
    SheLikesKitties, 1love and Faith like this.

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