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Thread: supposed to be getting married and panicking

  1. #1
    catlover's Avatar
    catlover is offline Senior Member
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    Smile supposed to be getting married and panicking

    I have been away a very long time-mostly because things have been smooth since the last culture class (when my cat was put to sleep and he had his friend over the next day)

    A few months after that he proposed, surprised me with a diamond on a dogbeach in new jersey, and I said yes. Eventually we settled on getting married in the Virgin Islands, and are supposed to be doing it 2 weeks from right about now.

    Briefly, we've been together 9.5 years, living together for nearly 4. He started very immature, but once we moved to this new house and he's been responsible for 1/2 of all expenses, plus the usual house maintenance stuff, etc, he's started acting more mature than his current age (36). He also started his own business 4 years ago, and its finally taken off, so he's had to learn to work all day, and spend evenings and weekends on paperwork, tax prep, etc. For the most part things are very good.

    BUT, as we countdown to getting married two things are bugging me. (1) he had a run in with what I called my 'best friend' at the end of December. she bought my house when we moved (she had always loved it). Shortly after she moved in she would mention to one or the other or both of us whenever we were around her (collectively or independently) how 'dirty' the house was when she moved in. To be fair, she started moving into it before we were even out with our boxes and we didn't have a chance to sweep up the dog and cat fur. I told her I would leave our spare lawnmower for her-we didn't have one so I bought her one and he assembled it for her. Then the garbage disposal froze up-so I bought her one and he put it in. He's in construction and would do her home improvement projects at half price-and she would talk to him about everything that was wrong with the house. She would come over to our house and tell me, him, and the others in the friendship group negative things about me, and the house and other stuff (our dog is dumb, repeatedly, this was never fixed at the house she bought while he lived there). End of December, while he was installing closets for her, he finally told her he didn't appreciate they way she talked or the way she treated me. To be fair, I didn't either, but I'm too passive to say anything (e.g. long blond hair looks horrible on women over 50-I'm over 50 and have long blond hair). Things got worse between them-she had a sick cat and was going to let him die (it was something easily fixable but would cost $$)-and I nagged her into taking him to my vet-even offering to pay-and all she wanted to talk about was how she was going to have to replace the kitchen countertop because there was a heat-stain on it-then looking at me-hint being I should pay for that as well. Eventually she took cat in and he made a full recovery. She posted something on facebook commenting the vet for saving the cat's life-and he 'commented' that she should thank me as well for nagging her to take him there (brusque, but not really the stalking she claimed it was). THEN, another so-called friend was going to lend us her condo in the USVI and he (b/f) called her to thank her-btw he did all this woman's repairs free as she was retiring and somewhat frail) and said he really liked talking to her, but to the other friend (of the cat) not so much-he said he wasn't keen on talking to her. Well the second friend (who has made some inaccurate and clearly motivated by professional jealously comments about me in an email she forgot she included me on) told the first friend that he 'hated her'-well, she claims she told the first friend that John (b/f) 'didn't like' her. I'm inclined to believe John on this one. Anyway those two, the leaders of the clique, have gradually since then excluded and engaged in other bullying behavior towards me-and I finally confronted them-now, of course, I don't exist. Apparently, they are mad I didn't defend them.

    This post could go on and on, and I know I've had issues with John's behavior before, but what they are accusing him of just doesn't seem right. He shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place, but this woman had been emotionally abusive to me for years (threatening to never talk to me again if I invited so-and-so to go to a movie with the group that so-and-so used to be part of-until she (abusive friend) had a falling out with her over something stupid (so-and-so emailed the group stating that she appreciated our friendship but wasn't really comfortable as a part of group), making fun of me. I read the facebook post-and it was exactly as I described it. I know that the second friend (of the condo) has lied to be before so I don't really believe her.

    Now, at the 11th hour, I'm worried about getting married and second guessing. AND, just now at my lawyer's office getting the prenup taken care of, HE GAVE ME A LECTURE on the age difference-I had previously pointed out that my 11years old ex-husband cleaned me out AND cheated on me....

    I guess I'm just hoping for some reassurance that a ym who sticks around nearly 10 years before getting married is in it for the long haul, that my so-called friends aren't really friends, and that my lawyer is being a butt.

    any words of encouragement will help (or caution I guess)
    Last edited by catlover; 07-29-2013 at 06:28 PM. Reason: spelling error
    ambers garden-planted in memory of my cat Amber 1989-2006

  2. #2
    kittylane's Avatar
    kittylane is offline Senior Member
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    Your going to get married to someone you are going to spend the rest of your life with. All this other stuff is static noise that have no baring on one of the most important events of life.

    If you love each other, get married.
    mskitty, catlover and Angel like this.

  3. #3
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    As someone who doesn't know you and so is unbiased and going purely on what you've said here.

    Your two female acquaintances have shown why some female relationships just can't work, they're riddled with b*t*hy-ness, a bit like woodworm. Giving them any air time ( you listening to them) is just feeding their destructive nature. Your 'John' doesn't seem to have done anything wrong except to defend you. I'd be more pissed if my partner stayed quiet and didn't defend me.


    If I was you, I would give myself a much needed and over due wedding gift, this comes by way of a new and fresh start and that would include ditching the two female friends and the lawyer.
    Last edited by soul; 07-29-2013 at 05:47 PM. Reason: Editing my swear words! :P
    mskitty, AmandaAlice and catlover like this.

  4. #4
    fiorinda Guest
    I didn't really follow any of that stuff about your friends and the cat and the condo, but what I did pick up on was: you've been with this guy for a long time, he's not a child (he's in his 30s for goodness sake!!), he seems to love you, he's handy and does his share by the sounds of it, he works hard, he sticks up for you and he can see the BS. I'm not sure I've got the faintest idea what your problem is here!! He sounds lovely, marry the man! Get some decent friends who treat you nicely and tell your lawyer to mind his own effing business!

    Hope you have a wonderful wedding! We're currently in the early stages of wedding planning - I'm 48 and my fiance is 24.
    mskitty and catlover like this.

  5. #5
    catlover's Avatar
    catlover is offline Senior Member
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    thanks for the replies. I know I shouldn't be second guessing myself on this, but I do that, and I appreciate hearing I'm not crazy. Even my 30 year old son said the choice was pretty clear
    ambers garden-planted in memory of my cat Amber 1989-2006

  6. #6
    Faith's Avatar
    Faith is offline Some assembly required
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    Quote Originally Posted by catlover View Post
    I guess I'm just hoping for some reassurance that a ym who sticks around nearly 10 years before getting married is in it for the long haul, that my so-called friends aren't really friends, and that my lawyer is being a butt.
    ^ You've already answered all your questions right there ^

    Your man has proven his fine worth many times over, and has gone the extra mile for you. Meanwhile, your so-called "friends" have proven their worth too... which is this: they suck, and they should be cut loose from your life. At the very least, limit your contact with them and don't let yourself get drawn into the Facebook faux drama. Their words and actions are not friendly at all. As for that lawyer, he has zero right to be giving relationship advice. Legal advice is all, period, and nothing more. I'd seriously consider dropping him as well.

    Now get your mind and heart back to the good stuff, the right stuff...

    Sending you all best wishes for a wonderful wedding, heavenly honeymoon, and a long happy and loving marriage

    with hugs and purrs ~
    Faith and Ella
    mskitty, catlover, Mebel and 1 others like this.
    "Leave the gun...take the cannoli."

  7. #7
    gorillagirl Guest
    i almost laughed at loud how ridiculous all this is just weeks before your wedding. totally ditch the "friends." oh, and by the way, in most cases (even in lease-to-own, i believe), when a new owner buys a house, the old owner is not responsible for any repairs. she bought it "as is." you're making waaaaaaaaaaaay too much effort to keep her. curb. and if your marriage doesn't work out with your man, join the 50% club. this is definitely a case of "Sweating the Small Stuff." read the book. you're tripping. stop stressing. be happy. get married...or don't get married ...but at least go to the USVI and go snorkeling!
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 07-29-2013 at 07:34 PM.
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  8. #8
    catlover's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    i almost laughed at loud how ridiculous all this is just weeks before your wedding. totally ditch the "friends." oh, and by the way, in most cases (even in lease-to-own, i believe), when a new owner buys a house, the old owner is not responsible for any repairs. she bought it "as is." you're making waaaaaaaaaaaay too much effort to keep her. curb. and if your marriage doesn't work out with your man, join the 50% club. this is definitely a case of "Sweating the Small Stuff." read the book. you're tripping. stop stressing. be happy. get married...or don't get married ...but at least go to the USVI and go snorkeling!
    haha we are going snorkeling-in our fancy dress! getting hitched on a sailboat just for that reason!

    and yes, I'm sweating the small stuff-too much drama going on this summer-including son is getting divorced, so hence the 'panicking' comment
    gorillagirl likes this.
    ambers garden-planted in memory of my cat Amber 1989-2006

  9. #9
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Congratulations Catlover! It's normal to be nervous, but don't be. I did not get the whole cat/ex-gfs post either.
    catlover likes this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  10. #10
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I understand the nervousness. It's normal. Everyone wonders if it's gonna work out "forever."

    But the lawyer is a dork. You weren't seeing him because you will be marrying a YM, you were seeing him for a prenup. The America Bar Association has a code of ethics that lawyers must adhere to. What he was doing was harassing you and embarassing you. An ethical complaint to the licensing board and bar association in whatever state he practices in is in order here. He was out of line.

    Your friends aren't much better. They are abusive and you don't need people like that in your life. As for the house thing, unless those items were a part of the bill of sale (meaning that if she bought the house, you promised to fix X, Y, and Z for her), you don't owe her squat. But she knows that she can get away with this abuse and that you'll roll over and take it. You train people how to treat you, and you've trained her, and a few others, to walk all over you.

    The problem that they have with your YM is that he's not going to take it, and he's called them out on their abhorrent behavior. They don't like that. But they know they can't say anything to him about it (he's trained them that they can't treat him like crud), but they think they can still treat YOU like crud behind his back.

    Get these negative people out of your life. All they will do is suck the energy and happiness from you.

    Phrases for you to learn:

    "I'm afraid that won't be possible."
    "No."
    "That was not a part of the purchase agreement, so I have no obligation to do this for you."
    "I can't believe you just said that!"
    *stony silence*


    You and your YM should give these people the cut-direct. Un-friend these people on social media, change the ringer on your phone for them so you know that it's them calling and you DO NOT ANSWER. If you see them out in public, act like they aren't even there. Sure, they won't like it, and it will make them mad, and they will probably gossip among each other as to what a "snob" you and your YM are. But their opinion doesn't matter. Heck, even so-and-so noticed this and let you know that she wasn't comfortable being a part of this group. Between that and the fact that your YM has to stick up for you to your so-called friends should be a good, solid sign that perhaps you shouldn't be a part of that group, either.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  11. #11
    mskitty Guest

    Don't worry be happy

    getting married is a big step.. hence the doubts...EVERYONE gets them...I believe you are going to be very happy..congratulations ...and don't invite the haters...let them go down the road where they belong.
    catlover and fiorinda like this.

  12. #12
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    debralee is offline Senior Member
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    Blah to your nasty friends. They sound like people to avoid at all costs. Yay for your husband to be. He sounds like a very nice man who loves you. So, you are at a crossroad. *****y nasty backstabbing friends to the left, a man who loves you and is trying to do his best to the right.

    I know which direction I would go. But that is ultimately up to you. It took me 7 years to get over my jitters about getting married again. This November it will be a year. And I am so glad I did it.

    If it is what you choose to do..Then Congratulations. Either way...follow your heart and be happy. Definitely find some nicer friends. Those girls sound like mean girls at high school..yuk
    mskitty likes this.
    ​​"Life is an adventure, not a prison sentence."

  13. #13
    catlover's Avatar
    catlover is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by debralee View Post
    Blah to your nasty friends. They sound like people to avoid at all costs. Yay for your husband to be. He sounds like a very nice man who loves you. So, you are at a crossroad. *****y nasty backstabbing friends to the left, a man who loves you and is trying to do his best to the right.

    I know which direction I would go. But that is ultimately up to you. It took me 7 years to get over my jitters about getting married again. This November it will be a year. And I am so glad I did it.

    If it is what you choose to do..Then Congratulations. Either way...follow your heart and be happy. Definitely find some nicer friends. Those girls sound like mean girls at high school..yuk
    Debra, yes, yes they are-the mean girls from middle school
    Called the Virgin Islands superior court and got the license number (marriage license)-I had some concerns as I didn't know if I sent them the right (or enough) divorce documentation.
    Next crisis-forgot to contact the vet in time to get the dog his shot to get boarded-so we'll have to figure out plan B
    ambers garden-planted in memory of my cat Amber 1989-2006

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