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Thread: Trying to Get a Read on Things and Feeling Frustrated

  1. #1
    TMAN is offline Member
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    Unhappy Trying to Get a Read on Things and Feeling Frustrated

    Hi Everyone,

    Well, my new OW friend, Liz, who I met at the wedding in June and is up for the weekend arrived yesterday in New York, we had a great time and the chemistry -- on the surface at least -- still seems to be there. I met her at the airport with roses and balloons, which she loved and she gave me a big hug and kiss. After a late lunch, we met some friends of mine at my club, then had dinner where her sister, who as I mentioned is a bit difficult, met us at the end of the meal, which was totally fine.

    Today, however, I am feeling a little bit out of sorts and blue because my friend and I were planning to spend the day hanging out together and were going to have dinner alone at my place tonight, while her sister worked, and then they were going to do girl things tomorrow during the day and then we were all going to have dinner together at a nice restaurant tomorrow night, which we still are.

    Now comes the disappointing part: the sister didn't end up working today after all, and my friend Liz who had a little too much to drink last night, wasn't feeling well and elected to stay in with her sister and so now we're planning to have dinner alone together Sunday night.

    At least that's what I'm hoping, except that now I'm concerned that it won't happen and we won't be able to spend much time alone while my friend is here because of her sister.

    I am also beginning to worry that my friend, after seeing me for the first time in two months after corresponding practically daily since we first met, may be starting to get cold feet about me because of our age 18 year age difference and also because she's turning 60 tomorrow. In addition, I worry that her sister -- who my friend already told me is a bit of a control freak and has had substance abuse problems in the past and Liz feels responsible for -- may make things even more difficult for us, which needless to say is very disconcerting, as I really do like Liz and all I want is the chance to get to know her better and spend some time alone with her, which I'm worried may not happen unless I say something even though I don't want to have to at this point.

    In other words, all I want for us to have while she's here is a fun, whimsical time the way any two people do in the beginning stages of a new relationship. I also don't want to have to bring any of this up on her birthday of all days.

    Having said all of this, though, I am not feeling like a very happy camper right now -- especially about the fact that she's here tonight and we aren't together as I'd hoped. I also don't want to do anything that is going to upset or alienate Liz before things have a chance to get on solid footing between us.

    So needless to say, I'm feeling very much caught between a rock and a hard place and really want to know what others think of how to best handle this. One thing I'm thinking is to ask Liz for breakfast tomorrow morning before she goes off with her sister to give her one of her birthday gifts, a little turquoise bracelet I bought her, and try to casually mention something then.

    Again, though, all I wanted was for us to have a fun time while she's here -- and still do -- and all of this interference from her sister, which I suspect is partially at play coupled with the reservations I sense Liz may be having about our age difference is really making me upset right now. Any advice would be welcome!

  2. #2
    Faith's Avatar
    Faith is offline Some assembly required
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    First, I want to assure you that it still sounds good for you two. You've still got nice plans, even though slightly readjusted. Be cool and roll with it.

    Now, the issue of turning 60...
    Zero birthdays are big deals, and the higher you go the bigger a deal they become. You've turned the big 4-0, so you know a little about that. Now at 42 you probably don't feel it so much, but I bet at the time of reaching 40 it made you pause and take assessment of your life. And you will really feel it at 50 and super-feel it at 60.

    She may be trying to make light of turning 60, but I bet underneath she's taking serious stock of her past, and where she is now, and where she's going and/or wants to go. At 60 we realize that we maybe have only 20 years left of our life. Looking back, the past 20 years flew by, *whoosh!* (You will feel this, too, when you turn 60 yourself, believe me.)

    So give her this one day to rest and regroup and recoup from the excitement of seeing you again. I think it will all be fine as long as you stay cool (and hot ). You are right to steer clear of getting heavy about the age or the sister. Just be aware that these ARE major factors in her life, and don't add to the stress.

    Have a wonderful weekend, stay flexible and open-minded, and let us know how it goes.
    "Leave the gun...take the cannoli."

  3. #3
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    In LDRs, not all trips are 100% what one hopes for. It seems that she likes you but as Faith says, she is probably having self-doubt and most likely feeling her confidence undermined by her sister. My best friend is also turning 60 and she, who has been confident all her life, is having a confidence crisis. Try to make the best of this trip, make her feel beautiful and wanted, and hint at plans for a next meeting. This part is important. Make sure she knows that you intend on seeing her again.

    Good luck.
    mskitty likes this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  4. #4
    gorillagirl Guest
    my only advice is to CHILL OUT and give her space/treat her as a friend would treat a friend. stay grounded in reality and take things slow. if you show or express any irritation, impatience, anxiety or seem whiney/clingy in any way, she might run for the hills. keep your cool. even if she leaves without falling in love with you, you still have a new friend. real relationships take time. if you're desperate for a romantic/sexual experience, post an ad on craigslist. otherwise, take a cold shower. sorry to say.
    theREALTrish likes this.

  5. #5
    theREALTrish's Avatar
    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
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    Turning 60 is a HUGE thing! When I turned 50, I was faced with the realization that I had more life behind me than I had ahead of me. When I turned 60 (in March), I remembered
    that my family history is death in their 60's. I haven't had the discussion with my children or my sisters (they're 2 1/2 and 5 years younger) but I feel that this might be my
    last decade of life on this planet.

    Maybe you expected more from this meeting than she has been able to give you. It doesn't mean that she still isn't interested. She's dealing with family obligations and
    turning 60. Family will come first. Dealing with turning 60 is another thing. Then dealing with a wonderful, younger man coming into her life.....yikes! I'd be running for a safe, quiet
    place.

    Give her space and time. Maybe you could plan a trip to where she lives.

    Continue to get to know her. Just relax.
    gorillagirl likes this.

  6. #6
    Faith's Avatar
    Faith is offline Some assembly required
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    Some further thoughts about her sister...

    She might be making more of her sister's so-called possessiveness than is really true. She might be using her sister as a handy excuse for giving herself space when she needs it but she doesn't want you to feel she's putting you off. This isn't a bad thing! Hey, we've all done it, no big deal. I've used friends, family, work, or other obligations in order to buy myself time and space when a new relationship might be moving a little too fast and I needed to catch my breath. If I were you, I'd be flattered. Seriously.

    Also, consider this... you are amazingly lucky that she has a sister living in your city. That gives her a perfect excuse to keep coming up to the city and see you. I'd recommend making an ally of the sister, not an adversary.
    gorillagirl and theREALTrish like this.
    "Leave the gun...take the cannoli."

  7. #7
    theREALTrish's Avatar
    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
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    It's often said that men can't stand clingy women. Well, the same is true about how women feel about men. I'm not saying that you are doing that. But, she came to visit to
    celebrate her birthday with her family. It's just kind of a coincidence that you live in the same place. If you didn't, you wouldn't have been included in her 60th birthday
    celebration. I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm really hoping that everything works out for you.

    I think that the more you worry, the less things will work in your favor.
    gorillagirl likes this.

  8. #8
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by TMAN View Post
    Hi Everyone,

    Well, my new OW friend, Liz, who I met at the wedding in June and is up for the weekend arrived yesterday in New York, we had a great time and the chemistry -- on the surface at least -- still seems to be there. I met her at the airport with roses and balloons, which she loved and she gave me a big hug and kiss. After a late lunch, we met some friends of mine at my club, then had dinner where her sister, who as I mentioned is a bit difficult, met us at the end of the meal, which was totally fine.

    Today, however, I am feeling a little bit out of sorts and blue because my friend and I were planning to spend the day hanging out together and were going to have dinner alone at my place tonight, while her sister worked, and then they were going to do girl things tomorrow during the day and then we were all going to have dinner together at a nice restaurant tomorrow night, which we still are.

    Now comes the disappointing part: the sister didn't end up working today after all, and my friend Liz who had a little too much to drink last night, wasn't feeling well and elected to stay in with her sister and so now we're planning to have dinner alone together Sunday night.

    At least that's what I'm hoping, except that now I'm concerned that it won't happen and we won't be able to spend much time alone while my friend is here because of her sister.

    I am also beginning to worry that my friend, after seeing me for the first time in two months after corresponding practically daily since we first met, may be starting to get cold feet about me because of our age 18 year age difference and also because she's turning 60 tomorrow. In addition, I worry that her sister -- who my friend already told me is a bit of a control freak and has had substance abuse problems in the past and Liz feels responsible for -- may make things even more difficult for us, which needless to say is very disconcerting, as I really do like Liz and all I want is the chance to get to know her better and spend some time alone with her, which I'm worried may not happen unless I say something even though I don't want to have to at this point.

    In other words, all I want for us to have while she's here is a fun, whimsical time the way any two people do in the beginning stages of a new relationship. I also don't want to have to bring any of this up on her birthday of all days.

    Having said all of this, though, I am not feeling like a very happy camper right now -- especially about the fact that she's here tonight and we aren't together as I'd hoped. I also don't want to do anything that is going to upset or alienate Liz before things have a chance to get on solid footing between us.

    So needless to say, I'm feeling very much caught between a rock and a hard place and really want to know what others think of how to best handle this. One thing I'm thinking is to ask Liz for breakfast tomorrow morning before she goes off with her sister to give her one of her birthday gifts, a little turquoise bracelet I bought her, and try to casually mention something then.

    Again, though, all I wanted was for us to have a fun time while she's here -- and still do -- and all of this interference from her sister, which I suspect is partially at play coupled with the reservations I sense Liz may be having about our age difference is really making me upset right now. Any advice would be welcome!
    I understand why you feel frustrated. I realize you feel like you had plans with Liz and have been thrown over at the last minute; in your situation, I'd feel kind of like I was the date someone ditched, too.

    While I think Liz could be handling things differently--it's a variation of the "leave with the guy who brought you" principle--you're in a situation that calls you to take the high road. Do your best to roll with the punches and enjoy whatever 1-to-1 together time you're able to salvage. Although you would without doubt like time to explore the chemistry that exists between the two of you, you probably need to shelve that for this visit. Despite the two of you being in almost daily contact for the past few months, Liz probably should not have agreed to spend a milestone birthday with someone she met just a couple of months ago, while being aware that another person who's long been an established presence in her life (her sister) would also expect to spend that time with her.

    Try to see things from Liz's sister's point of view. If your sister was in town to celebrate a milestone birthday and you were scheduled to work that weekend, you'd probably do your best to arrange to get out of it so you could spend more of the weekend with her. If, after you went to that effort, she ditched you to go hang out with a guy she just met a couple of months ago, your nose might be out of joint.

    Make a conscious decision to not read anything into it more than that. Enjoy dinner with the three of you, and then dinner with just the two of you. If dinner with the two of you doesn't pan out, there's your sign. No blood, no foul.

    MM
    Last edited by MissMuffins; 08-30-2013 at 10:38 PM.
    theREALTrish and gorillagirl like this.
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

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