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Thread: You and your Ex YM... are you still in touch, maybe even as friends?

  1. #1
    Faith's Avatar
    Faith is offline Some assembly required
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    May 2007
    Left coast

    You and your Ex YM... are you still in touch, maybe even as friends?

    Are there any OW here who are still in contact with your YM post-breakup, even if it was years ago? Even if he totally broke your heart?

    If so, how did you reconnect? And how do you handle it emotionally?
    "Leave the gun...take the cannoli."

  2. #2
    gorillagirl Guest
    i'm still in touch with 2 of them (one platonic, one on/off booty call...and i'm not emotionally attached...guess i never really was). the one i truly love, that i was too attached to, we are no contact. we tried. we actually got back together for a short while. but the 2nd break up was even more devastating than the first and it's almost a year of NC now. my holidays last year were pathetic and i was near death from heartbreak. this year, i'm okay. it's better we have no contact. we can't be "just friends" and we can't be in a relationship. so NC is the only real choice.

    if you're considering reaching out to your ex...and if you think it will jeopardize you in any way, esp. emotionally, don't do it. keep it as a memory. and if you're "jonsin'" for a hit of that guy, write out everything he ever said/did to hurt you and really hold on to that. remember the break up(s) and how much it/they nearly destroy us. even though i love that guy more than any other human on earth, he has also hurt me more than i've ever been hurt in 51 years of life. my own mother's death by suicide pales in comparison to the crap he put me through. love is no reason to try and catch up with him again someday (maybe in 10 years or when i'm on my deathbed---it's unlikely he'll be any different situationally or emotionally). i need contact with my ex like i need a hole in the head. that being said, i talk to him all the time like a madwoman...sometimes i say "i love you, goodnight" to the side of the bed where he used to be...wishing him well...trying to diffuse the pain...but most often i'm screaming "phhhkkkk you!!!" when i'm driving through his neighborhood or near his BART station or CCSF.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 12-19-2013 at 12:02 AM.
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  3. #3
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    Sep 2002
    Stockholm, Sweden
    No, I have no contact at all, even though I wouldn't call him an ex or even saying that we had a relationship. And I think that is for the best, I have absolutely no need or longing for talking with him. He is emotional unimportant to me.
    legallyblonde likes this.
    Navigare necesse est!

  4. #4
    christina923 is offline Senior Member
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    Nov 2003
    CT, USA
    faith...what GG said.

    it could be a time bomb. why would anyone want contact with someone whose actions devastated them.
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  5. #5
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Dec 2008
    The only ex (OM) that I kept in touch with was a guy who I dated before I was married to my ex-husband. Him and I had a very stormy relationship, I loved him, but he was twice divorced and I wanted a church wedding. We hurt each other emotionally we discovered BDSM and how it can get out of hand. I mean... what a mess! A decade later, I met him, at the time I was married to my ex, and had my own company. He was married and had a nice, important job, and started introducing me to potential customers. This helped me increase my portfolio. We called each other every once in a while over business and once a year for birthdays. After he retired from his job we have never talked again.

    Apart from that, I do not keep in touch with exes. A couple have even died.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  6. #6
    Slow Worm's Avatar
    Slow Worm is offline Senior Member
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    London UK
    Quote Originally Posted by Faith View Post
    Are there any OW here who are still in contact with your YM post-breakup, even if it was years ago?
    Sorry if I'm intruding on what might be meant to be a women-only thread....

    I'm still in contact with ex-OW, if that is relevant.

    My wife and I rent our flat from one of my ex-OW, who lives downstairs. We are friends with another ex-OW of mine and have occasionaly contact (Christmas cards, the occasional e-mail, etc) with two others. We are also friends of Ann's ex-husband's widow, and were friends of both until his death last year.

    In the next generation, we have a lot of contact with four of the now-adult children of my ex-OW's and have a sort of step-grandparenting role to their children*.

    At our wedding the guests included 3 of my OW exes (plus 5 of their children, 2 girlfriends and 1 cousin of said children & 1 ex-OW's sister) and Ann's ex-huband (plus his wife) and 2 of her ex-b/f's (plus wife and children of one).

    * Those children may be getting the best of both worlds here: they have married parents who are very happy together providing a stable home, while due to their grandparents' less stable love lives they also have several extra grandparent-figures.

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  7. #7
    legallyblonde Guest
    No. I couldn't see a friendship coming....


  8. #8
    Ellethe's Avatar
    Ellethe is offline Ex-Marcy'd
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    Feb 2008
    Hilliard, Ohio
    Not an ex ym, only ever had one and I'm still with him, but yes lots of ex-partners. BUT... I've never been as emotionally attached or scarred by them as you have. I would seriously recommend maintaining your distance for now and frankly forever. You deserve more Faith.
    Psycho hatchet wielding midgets deserve to die

  9. #9
    VenusDarkStarLA's Avatar
    VenusDarkStarLA is offline Senior Member
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    Feb 2013
    If it was someone who was sweet to me but it just didn't work out, I always keep the door open for friendship. I don't try to contact them...unless you count forwarding silly emails occasionally.

    GI Joe's birthday is coming up on the 22nd, but I'm gonna pass this year. Too busy with people who matter.
    SheLikesKitties and Mebel like this.

  10. #10
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Jun 2008
    I think it depends on the individuals and the relationships involved.

    There are people from my past I'd like to reconnect with. There are others I don't care if I never see again.

    I am not and have no wish to be in contact with either of my ex YM. I've moved on and I presume they have, too.

    In 2006, when we were planning our 20 year reunion, I reconnected with a peer-aged former boyfriend. Within weeks I remembered EXACTLY why I'd broken up with him when I was in high school.

    I don't despise my second ex husband, yet I don't want to be in contact with him either. If we happened to be at the same dinner party, I wouldn't go out of my way to either speak to or avoid him.

    The only reason I care about what happens to my first ex husband is we have children together, and what he does often affects them.

    I broke up with Lovey in late March/early April 2011; after about 6 weeks, we reconciled. At the time, I thought he'd pulled his head out of his butt; over the course of the next 2 years, I learned he hadn't. Those 2 years were rough. If he hadn't done a complete 180 after his cancer diagnosis in May 2013, I wouldn't still be in the relationship.

    During the time we were broken up, I reconnected long distance with a lover from 20 years earlier. This time, it was a good thing. I got closure on some baggage I'd carried for 20 years and could let that stuff go.

    Feel free to derive whatever take-home message you want to, from that.

    PurpleFever likes this.
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  11. #11
    Pickles's Avatar
    Pickles is offline Senior Member
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    Jun 2012
    United States-East Coast
    Though I was slow learner... Exs? are X for a reason.

    Most of my exs are not with me because they were unfaithful, violent or disrespectful...and basically a bad friend. There is no reason to stay in contact. Most of my exes do not and never did like me for who I am... I still wonder if my bust size was really reason enough to pursue me and share misery with.
    2 that I dated at 20; looked me up this past 8 years after my divorce. Both second chances sucked worse than the first rounds.

    I stay in casual contact with ONE willingly...2 because shared offspring. One is just a tool I don't bother thinking of more than 3 seconds a year. The final 2 it would be case of who can disable the other and put then in woodchipper first (I'm more proactive this decade and wont passively be pushed in with no struggle anymore)

    Only thing I am grateful to my exes for is they showed me not only what I didn't want but helped narrow what I did want
    (though a VYM was not the plan.. the man with his qualities was set in my all or nothing criteria).

    In the end ...unless the break up was nothing more than just a drifting apart with no arguments? I wouldn't take the chance of upsetting my balance and peace by re-contacting
    Last edited by Pickles; 01-28-2014 at 07:07 AM. Reason: had a double negative
    Daisypath Friendship tickers
    ............Unexpected pleasures are sweetest

  12. #12
    Drewright is offline Neophyte
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    Aug 2013
    Philadelphia, PA

    A clean break.

    I prefer a clean break, whenever possible. Doesn't mean they weren't wonderful people or that I wish them an ounce of ill will...just that it's difficult for me to ramp things down, especially when we've been intimate.

    Also, moving on has always been the best option for me. Sometimes that's not always easy to do, but I think both sides benefit from making as clean a break when we can. There was one woman who was well liked by my friends (rightly so, too). Now, I'm not the kind of fella who'll ask friends to choose a side or not be friendly towards an ex - but I did ask them to respect my wish that our lives move on independently. I don't really want to know what she's doing and I'm not all that interested in her knowing what I'm doing, so don't be a gossip, you know? (haha)
    MissMuffins likes this.

  13. #13
    legallyblonde Guest
    No no no, heck no. Or did I say that already?

  14. #14
    ThisGuy is offline Neophyte
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    Jan 2014
    Hey everyone! I'm new to the site and just wanted to chime in on this... A clean break seems to be best for me. Keeping in touch can give someone false hope...even if you are very clear about the relationship being over. It can seem cold, but if you care about your ex, a clean break can help both of you move on.

  15. #15
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    Sep 2002
    Stockholm, Sweden
    Hi ThisGuy,
    I am prepared to agree with you, why hold on to something that's not good? Better to move on and give each other a chance to get another start. But there are better ways and worse ways to brake up, and as many do today and send a text message or an email to tell it's's a cowardly way of handling a brake up. So suppose also the way " a clean brake" is handled results in how good a person handle the situation. A brake up is never easy, but you have to handled it in a correct way to be able to move on.

    Quote Originally Posted by ThisGuy View Post
    Hey everyone! I'm new to the site and just wanted to chime in on this... A clean break seems to be best for me. Keeping in touch can give someone false hope...even if you are very clear about the relationship being over. It can seem cold, but if you care about your ex, a clean break can help both of you move on.
    Navigare necesse est!

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