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Thread: University, long distant relationships and concerns

  1. #1
    melody is offline Member
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    University, long distant relationships and concerns

    Hi everyone,

    Its been a while since I have posted, lots of changes have happened and still with my younger man.

    I have a couple of questions that I would love peoples feed back on.

    Basic rundown: my partner went back to study as he didn't complete school and has been accepted into University here in Australia doing a Bachelor of Architecture. This is great news and I have extremely proud of him.

    The only thing is, the uni is 2 hours away, so he will be staying at his mums through out the week, and coming home weekends. His mum is about an hour away front the uni. He is then planning on working weekends when he does come home and through the uni breaks.

    He hasn't experienced full time study before, but one of my concerns is this, an hour drive to uni and home again each day, then 2 hours each way every weekend, study time, working all weekend, relaxation time, when does family time come into it? Anyone who has done full time study, will he burn out?

    One of my reasons is that if we lived closer to the uni, even in his mums area its only the drive to uni and home each day, not having to drive another 2 hours each weekend to come home and then work.

    I know that most of you don't class this as a long distant relationship, but could I have some views please. I really don't want to do this. I would rather just move (I can get a transfer with my work) if my house doesn't sell, I will just rent it and rent closer to the university. The thought of him not being with me through out the week just breaks my heart. I know i am being a sook, but I really don't want to do this.

    I have joined a gym and also enrolled into a study program to help me get back into study, to keep myself busy (and kids are still at home) to try and keep my days filled. He leaves tonight (only for a few days this week as it is orientation week), but already I am tearing up thinking about it. I just want him home at night, in my bed. Thats it. Up until now, we have had super busy lives, with his work starting early, mine finishing late, and he was working all weekend, so not seeing him all day isn't the problem, its not having him home at night.

    Any thoughts or opinions on this would be greatly appreciated. If you think I just need to "suck it up and get tough" then tell me. If my concerns about him burning out is over rated, tell me too.
    "The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

  2. #2
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    If you were willing to move, I assume he didn't want you to? Why is that? How many years will he be in school?

    As far as burning out, it does sound pretty awful, but everyone is different. You're probably the best person to answer that. How does he handle stress and a busy schedule?
    Last edited by degausser; 02-23-2014 at 11:13 PM.
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  3. #3
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    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    I'm curious that you wrote that you want him home at night in YOUR bed. Do you not live together currently? I hope you don't think I'm implying any criticism, genuinely I'm just unclear. I got the feeling your home is yours, not his. Maybe talk about getting a new home together nearer to his university? My YM is also going to university this autumn, but thankfully in the town where we live. I do know it has made a big difference to him, psychologically, to finally become a joint tenant with me when we moved flats recently!!

  4. #4
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Young people usually can manage work, study, and weekend stuff pretty well.
    What has he said about the idea of you moving closer to the uni?
    You seem to have no issues about that, you can rent your home, which is a great idea. No issues with work. Since there seems to be no great problem in your life to move, at this point I honestly believe that his input is more important than anything we can say here.
    That's the only piece missing in the puzzle.

    (Two hours is what it takes my son to go to his dad's weekend cabin, and he does that almost every weekend. Two hours is not that far away.)
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  5. #5
    legallyblonde Guest

    Melody

    My thoughts first are that your young man is ambitious! I'm sorry I haven't read anything about your past, but your one post, the OP does raise some questions. Why is he staying with his mother when he could go ahead and pay to live in a dorm? With the cost of gas, he could come out about the same and not have to drive two hours a day. If his mother lives in a nearby area, it could be that he has friends in the area he could stay with as well. Why hasn't he?
    And worst, and I'm a wet blanket here, but listen anyway: is being away at school a way of him separating with you without actually breaking up and going through all the drama? If you chase him to the school area, is that how he will term it later, that you "chased" him to his campus? In my past relationships I've listened to what the guys mouth has said without looking at the possible meaning of his actions. Moving away is a big hint that something ain't quite right, no matter what spin he puts on it. That he's moving in with his mother says even worse things.
    Are you pulling an Ali here and listening to what he says without looking at what he does?

    Ali

  6. #6
    Stiletto's Avatar
    Stiletto is offline Senior Member
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    Not sure what else is going on here, but my son's Digital Arts program was a 2 hour commute from home by transit (our transit sucks here), and he did that during the week, and worked one day on the weekend, leaving one day to relax, sort of. I think he still spent some time on course work.

    I think it really depends on the individual.. and without more information on the dynamics of your relationship we can only guess at what is going on.
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  7. #7
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    His return to uni may very well place a strain on your relationship. It's demanding, and it has placed a strain on the relationship of everyone I know (whether it was they, their partner, or both) who's resumed studies.

    If you're in a full time committed relationship, and you're willing & able to move nearer to university, then a couple of other things to consider:
    how will your move affect parenting agreement with your childrens' father (presuming this is one of the factors in the relationship)
    how will changing schools affect your children (this can be a plus or a minus for them, depending upon their situation)
    will he lose his weekend job if you move

    If those don't present issues, then if I were in your situation, I'd move house to nearer uni. Much nearer.

    If you're not in a full time committed relationship, then I'd stay put. That's a lot of upheaval for you (selling a home, transferring work, changing schools) for something that isn't a "permanent" relationship.

    MM
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    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  8. #8
    legallyblonde Guest
    I agree with MM, staying put would be my choice. Moving to be near him just looks so DESPERATE, and men run away screaming like banshees from desperate looking women!
    Ali
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  9. #9
    Ellethe's Avatar
    Ellethe is offline Ex-Marcy'd
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    Before I could say, I'd need to know what his thoughts are on this. Have you, assuming yes, discussed this completely together? Is moving really an option???? You'd pull up the roots of your kids for a temporary move? I'm just trying to understand here.

    At one point my hubby was considering a masters degree on the West Coast. We would likely have moved to make that happen, but not because we'd miss each other over the two years. He wanted his masters in game design and there is no video game industry in Central Ohio. I'm a finance director for a large healthcare system. I can work anywhere, but he would not be able to work anywhere. Relocating for a career choice seemed reasonable to me, it didn't become necessary thankfully because my kids would have really, really been miserable. Their feelings were part of our equation.
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  10. #10
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Some points to ponder:

    When my husband used to work in a job that caused him to come home at 9:00 pm, I would miss him too, and I definitely wanted a change of that situation.
    Living at home with the mother while going to college is not uncommon in some countries, and it may even seen cost-effective.
    My only concern was the opinion of the boyfriend. Maybe he realizes a move would be an upheaval.

    The OP and boyfriend seem to have a good relationship. He is visiting on weekends, and yes, they have less time together, a solution is available and the OP was just asking our opinion about the move, not a validation (or invalidation) of her relationship.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  11. #11
    gorillagirl Guest
    looks like you two have been together 7 years?? he's like a step-dad to your kids? he might need some space.
    i say don't move. two hours is not so long of a time. i can spend two hours a night on facebook or watching a movie.
    it's commute-able, do-able so let it ride for a semester before any decisions are made. let him do his life and get a teddy bear. only consider moving when **he directly asks you to move** closer to the uni. until then, cuddle up with your kids and let him be independent for a while.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 02-26-2014 at 08:06 PM.

  12. #12
    melody is offline Member
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    I think everyone is missing the point, or question I was asking.

    We have been living together for 6years now. This is a goal we both are working for. All I really wanted to know was from people with experience how they coped with study/living away from home/travelling/long distant relationships. I have put the house on the market. My concerns are if the house doesn't sell, do I rent? I can and will be transferring for work. He to can and will be transferring for work. He is just staying on in his current store for the moment until we working out when we move, and since he is going to be home weekends he wants to work to help with the bills. He will be home on weekends and breaks until we move. This is still his home. His mum is letting him stay there rent free, he only has to buy his food. Our relationship is rock solid. I hate the fact he isn't home at night. I am missing him something shocking. WE still speak several times per day, and before we go to bed at night. We are in the process of buying a motorbike so it will be cheaper on fuel for him to travel. This isn't a part time boyfriend, this is my partner. We still share bills and raising kids. The kids dad really doesn't care where we move to. We will be going on "date nights" when he comes home and will do family stuff.

    All in all, I am giving it a month to see how everyone is coping, and if the house hasn't sold I will rent it out and rent close to his uni. I must have just worded my thread wrong, to get so many negative thoughts. For that I am sorry.
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    "The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

  13. #13
    legallyblonde Guest
    Actually, you didn't word your thread wrong, you simply got what you got in asking questions.
    You did clarify somethings, but left questions open: the answer to--did he ask you to move to be nearer to his uni? is still on the table. And I'm giving you the benefit of my experiences. Are you sure that his attending a college so far away isn't also a way for him to distance himself from you and from a family that isn't his by law (marriage) yet? Like I said: I've paid too much attention to what men have said to me without looking at the actual possible meanings of what they do. I've been made a fool so many times with this. Don't take this going to college as something that needs no more attention it does.
    Ali
    Last edited by legallyblonde; 02-27-2014 at 10:42 AM.

  14. #14
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by melody View Post
    I think everyone is missing the point, or question I was asking.

    We have been living together for 6years now. This is a goal we both are working for. All I really wanted to know was from people with experience how they coped with study/living away from home/travelling/long distant relationships. I have put the house on the market. My concerns are if the house doesn't sell, do I rent? I can and will be transferring for work. He to can and will be transferring for work. He is just staying on in his current store for the moment until we working out when we move, and since he is going to be home weekends he wants to work to help with the bills. He will be home on weekends and breaks until we move. This is still his home. His mum is letting him stay there rent free, he only has to buy his food. Our relationship is rock solid. I hate the fact he isn't home at night. I am missing him something shocking. WE still speak several times per day, and before we go to bed at night. We are in the process of buying a motorbike so it will be cheaper on fuel for him to travel. This isn't a part time boyfriend, this is my partner. We still share bills and raising kids. The kids dad really doesn't care where we move to. We will be going on "date nights" when he comes home and will do family stuff.

    All in all, I am giving it a month to see how everyone is coping, and if the house hasn't sold I will rent it out and rent close to his uni. I must have just worded my thread wrong, to get so many negative thoughts. For that I am sorry.
    You didn't say in your opening post that you've lived together for 6 years, which is why I replied with two different scenarios.

    I was a non traditional student; I resumed full time study when my sons were in 7th and 5th grade, and within 6 months of my second marriage. Although my husband and I thoroughly discussed it beforehand, and I enrolled with his full support (excluding financial support; I paid for my own coursework and supported him during the marriage), our marriage failed before I completed my degree. We lived within blocks of campus and I found on-campus employment while enrolled in courses, which is required to schedule around my coursework. My sons didn't have to change schools and I was able to attend all their conferences, sporting events, etc.

    My mother was a non traditional student. She resumed full time study when I was in 9th grade. We lived 75+ miles from campus and she commuted twice weekly, leaving me to look after the housework, outside chores (yardwork and taking care of livestock), my sister and our father. It was a disaster for our family and I never reaped the benefit of her sacrifice. I didn't have access to better educational opportunities at secondary or tertiary level, additional extra-curricular activities, job opportunities, a higher familial standard of living, or better medical/dental care as a result. She drained my bank account to pay for her education, which wouldn't have been quite so bad if I'd received the money as gifts instead of having earned it. When I finished high school 4 years later, there was nothing to pay for my own college education.

    I have a friend whose husband is currently enrolled in courses. If she wishes to share the stress on their marriage, she will.

    Your YM will have to choose, continually: school or work, school or family, work or family, until he finishes his course.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  15. #15
    gorillagirl Guest
    i guess here's my answer. if you want him to be most successful in school, give him as much space as possible. family will take a back seat and it should. it's short term sacrifice for long term gain. be patient and forgiving through this process. hopefully you'll sell your home soon and be living near the uni ASAP. :-)

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