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Thread: What's your secret?

  1. #1
    Butterfly is offline Neophyte
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    What's your secret?

    A co-worker of mine once said she was jealous of Adam and Eve because they didnít have in-laws. They also didnít have to keep up with Jones. They didnít have over curious neighbor. There was no one else to influence their judgment directly or indirectly. Although she was joking it's true. Today we live together with people who are not related. Sometime the next door neighbor lives other side of the bedroom wall. Then there is this new tribal culture we live now which is known as social network. Friends (plus the digital friends who we don't know in the physical world) and families who live other side of the planet now know every single detail of our lives because some of us choose to share. In addition to these, nowadays everyone has an opinion. Itís not easy to ignore others. Sometime they do really get to us.

    Age gap relationships are no longer considered, umm . . . , different. I think human have been doing it for long time. But those relationships were mostly OM/YW. Even though people have started to learn to live with next door age gap couples, most of the times their eyebrows jumps up. Then there are relatives and friends who express a little too concern.

    Here in this forum I see there are 1427 members. Members who are active here, I see you have tremendous strength. Some of you are living very happily with your younger men or women. While living among curious, concern and opinionated friends, families, co-workers and others how do you do it? Whatís your secret?

    I saw a thread link in one the sticky titled "How young is too young". That thread is a little old. If itís alright Iíd like to ask the same question again. How young is too young (for a LTR)?

    Thank You.

  2. #2
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    The 'secret' is the same that bounds any couple together, regardless of age, race or creed and that is quite simply the deep bond of LOVE.

    Perhaps also a refusal to not be a sheep and to conform to everyone else's ideals but instead to follow your own helps.
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  3. #3
    Angel's Avatar
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    I don't know how anyone could definitively answer what age is too young, outside of legally. As UK already mentioned, it depends on the person. Are they mature? Are they compatible? Are they generous or selfish?

    My relationship falls into one of the age gap extremes in that my, now husband, was a very young man (VYM) when we began dating. I met him unexpectedly in an online game (Everquest). He lived 3000 miles away and was 18. I was 32. He still lived at home, never had been in a serious relationship and I was divorced with three children. We have been together 9 years, married almost 5, and have a 7 year old child together.

    Everything the naysayers said was supposed to break us only made us stronger. I've been told that my relationship was inappropriate, that he was too young, that he should "age into adulthood", that I was just something a young man wants to conquest, that I would be dumped once a younger woman showed attention or I started showing my age, and I heard things far crueler than that. Folks would call him a teenager or a boy when he was 18-19 in an attempt to make him the victim with an undeveloped brain under the guise of a desperate older woman who should know better. It infuriated him to have his thoughts and opinions so casually cast aside and his mate unfairly attacked. My husband is not a weak-minded individual and anyone who has met him would vouch for that, but it was the only way some could make sense of why he would be with me.

    9 months after I had our daughter I became unexpectedly and permanently disabled. It caused me to gain a ton of weight and rely on a wheelchair and forearm crutches. I am not the woman he married on the outside any longer and yet his love and commitment has not wavered. Now I am losing weight and he makes sure to remind me that regardless of what the scale says I am beautiful. He has gone to college and worked, sometimes 3 jobs, since he's been with me. Right now he's working two jobs and going to college part-time. How couldn't I fall in love with someone this wonderful?

    Time shuts most folks up and it, also, proves the couple's staying power (or lack of staying power). Now, when people find out about the 14 year age difference, I hear how wonderful of a couple we are and that they understand why we are together. There are likely some who still don't approve of our relationship, but it's difficult to dismiss a couple who has been together after almost a decade.

    I don't know if it's a secret, but you endure the comments and dismissals of others because, as two adults, you have the right to make decisions for yourself. I mean, as it was once asked of me, at what point do you get to live your life as you see fit? You let the, "Are you his Mom?" comments slide right off your back because some folks look to quickly categorize couples they see and whether their comment is meant to be intentionally or unintentionally cruel, in the grand scheme of things, what difference does their opinion matter in 10 minutes anyway? Are they paying your bills or feeling your emotions? All we can do is try to make our best educated guess on who is worth the risk to love. One day you'll realize that you're suddenly okay, even if still irked on occasion, with folks feeling however they want because you don't need their approval to be happy in a relatonship regardless of your partners (legal! ) age.
    there before the threshold, I saw a brighter world beyond myself

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  4. #4
    christina923 is offline Senior Member
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    off topic...


    holy crap! ana is 7????
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  5. #5
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    Angel, you are so beautifully eloquent! x
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  6. #6
    Angel's Avatar
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    Aw,thanks fiorinda. <3

    Christina, time flies, doesn't it? I wish I could halt time for a couple years just so I could savor these moments a bit more.
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    there before the threshold, I saw a brighter world beyond myself

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  7. #7
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    The secret? TIME

    After a while the curious stop being curious.
    The opinionated get tired of voicing their opinions in vain.
    Those who were kindly concerned are now at ease that no hearts have been massacred.

    And regarding new people in your life... after a few years you develop your own style of dealing with the curious, the opinionated and the concerned.



    P.S. Until you get TIME on your side, you have to learn to live with the negativity... if there is true love, it will prevail over all the negativity.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  8. #8
    Stiletto's Avatar
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    Our secret is not giving a crap what others think. I have lost a brother over it, but Chris has a very supportive loving family, so no troubles there. I don't miss my brother, he was a complete (three letter synonym for donkey) at the time and I don't need people like that in my life, period.

    I have had to correct medical staff (nurses, doctors) about our relationship, seems the only time I get mistaken for his mother is when I'm stressed out because my son or my husband is in Emergency. Oddly enough, it had no effect on me, and maybe, just maybe, those people will think twice before making assumptions about relationships based purely on age from now on.

    I would say too young is under legal age, for obvious reasons.. though for me, personally, too young would be still in high school, fully financially dependent on one's parents.

    As a complete aside, why is a word in common usage in the Bible getting the asterix treatment?
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    Age gap: 22 years, 6 days.

  9. #9
    Butterfly is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by soul View Post
    The 'secret' is the same that bounds any couple together, regardless of age, race or creed and that is quite simply the deep bond of LOVE.

    Perhaps also a refusal to not be a sheep and to conform to everyone else's ideals but instead to follow your own helps.

    Does everyone, regardless of age, know what love is? Doesnít it require certain degree of maturity or life experience to comprehend what that four letter word means?


    Quote Originally Posted by ukfireball View Post
    Age is just a number, and I don't believe they should be applied to a relationship. If being 'too young', implies the younger person is not yet mature and lacks responsibly, that is not always true. In some cases someone in their early 20's maybe more emotionally mature, and less selfish than someone in their 40's.
    I beleive we should follow our own path, and not confine ourselves to someone else's ideology.

    This is one of the reasons I've come here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I agree with you.

    My work revolves around some very unfortunate girls and women. There are some 14/15/16 years old single mothers. They are much more mature than 30 something persons. We encourage them to give up their child so that the child may have a better life in adopted families. For some reasons if adoption isnít possible with the permission of the mother we become involved in parenting. We believe a teenage mother doesnít matter how maturity she shows shouldnít be on her own. We believe that because regardless of the level of maturity she has sheís inexperienced about the life. Life should be experienced step by step.


    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    The secret? TIME

    After a while the curious stop being curious.
    The opinionated get tired of voicing their opinions in vain.
    Those who were kindly concerned are now at ease that no hearts have been massacred.

    And regarding new people in your life... after a few years you develop your own style of dealing with the curious, the opinionated and the concerned.



    P.S. Until you get TIME on your side, you have to learn to live with the negativity... if there is true love, it will prevail over all the negativity.

    Time. Yes. Time can help. But how do I surf this time?

    I worry how much he knows about love? Do high school love birds really know what love is? Iím sure they use the word. But do they really understand it?



    Quote Originally Posted by Stiletto View Post
    Our secret is not giving a crap what others think. I have lost a brother over it, but Chris has a very supportive loving family, so no troubles there. I don't miss my brother, he was a complete (three letter synonym for donkey) at the time and I don't need people like that in my life, period.

    I have had to correct medical staff (nurses, doctors) about our relationship, seems the only time I get mistaken for his mother is when I'm stressed out because my son or my husband is in Emergency. Oddly enough, it had no effect on me, and maybe, just maybe, those people will think twice before making assumptions about relationships based purely on age from now on.

    Iím sorry about your brother. I admire your strength. I want to be as strong as you. Unfortunately Iím not. Thank you very much for sharing your experience.


    Quote Originally Posted by Stiletto View Post
    I would say too young is under legal age, for obvious reasons.. though for me, personally, too young would be still in high school, fully financially dependent on one's parents.

    I donít think by turning 18 (16 in some jurisdictions) one can become a responsible adult. 18 (or 16) years old should demonstrate the ability to become adult just like one has to demonstrate the ability to drive a motor vehicle. Itís not my idea. There are several tribes, especially in Africa, where a boy can become a man after demonstrating his ability by performing a task given by the elders. Late Nelson Mandelaís tribe is one of those tribes. But thatís impossible in other part of the world. So we are stuck with the age.

  10. #10
    Butterfly is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by Angel View Post
    I don't know how anyone could definitively answer what age is too young, outside of legally. As UK already mentioned, it depends on the person. Are they mature? Are they compatible? Are they generous or selfish?

    My relationship falls into one of the age gap extremes in that my, now husband, was a very young man (VYM) when we began dating. I met him unexpectedly in an online game (Everquest). He lived 3000 miles away and was 18. I was 32. He still lived at home, never had been in a serious relationship and I was divorced with three children. We have been together 9 years, married almost 5, and have a 7 year old child together.

    Everything the naysayers said was supposed to break us only made us stronger. I've been told that my relationship was inappropriate, that he was too young, that he should "age into adulthood", that I was just something a young man wants to conquest, that I would be dumped once a younger woman showed attention or I started showing my age, and I heard things far crueler than that. Folks would call him a teenager or a boy when he was 18-19 in an attempt to make him the victim with an undeveloped brain under the guise of a desperate older woman who should know better. It infuriated him to have his thoughts and opinions so casually cast aside and his mate unfairly attacked. My husband is not a weak-minded individual and anyone who has met him would vouch for that, but it was the only way some could make sense of why he would be with me.

    9 months after I had our daughter I became unexpectedly and permanently disabled. It caused me to gain a ton of weight and rely on a wheelchair and forearm crutches. I am not the woman he married on the outside any longer and yet his love and commitment has not wavered. Now I am losing weight and he makes sure to remind me that regardless of what the scale says I am beautiful. He has gone to college and worked, sometimes 3 jobs, since he's been with me. Right now he's working two jobs and going to college part-time. How couldn't I fall in love with someone this wonderful?

    Time shuts most folks up and it, also, proves the couple's staying power (or lack of staying power). Now, when people find out about the 14 year age difference, I hear how wonderful of a couple we are and that they understand why we are together. There are likely some who still don't approve of our relationship, but it's difficult to dismiss a couple who has been together after almost a decade.

    I don't know if it's a secret, but you endure the comments and dismissals of others because, as two adults, you have the right to make decisions for yourself. I mean, as it was once asked of me, at what point do you get to live your life as you see fit? You let the, "Are you his Mom?" comments slide right off your back because some folks look to quickly categorize couples they see and whether their comment is meant to be intentionally or unintentionally cruel, in the grand scheme of things, what difference does their opinion matter in 10 minutes anyway? Are they paying your bills or feeling your emotions? All we can do is try to make our best educated guess on who is worth the risk to love. One day you'll realize that you're suddenly okay, even if still irked on occasion, with folks feeling however they want because you don't need their approval to be happy in a relatonship regardless of your partners (legal! ) age.


    Iíve read your posts several times. I have copied your post and printed it out. You probably have no idea how much your post is helping me. Itís like a reliever to me like asthma patients use inhaler when they have breathing problem. Thank you very much for sharing your life for me.
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  11. #11
    Butterfly is offline Neophyte
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    Last year this young guy forced himself into my settled life. He has the ability to hold peopleís attention; he knows it and uses it. Other than work, I usually avoid this kind of characters. I also try to avoid guys in his age group as much as possible. My emotions are rusted. I failed to notice his flirting in the beginning. When I did realize I was shocked. I tried my best to avoid him.

    He was very persuasive. I threatened him that Iíd report him to Police. That didnít work. Then one day I slapped him and felt sorry right after slapping him. He is the first person I have ever hit. I tried to make him realize what he wanted was unrealistic, impossible for me to accept and he should give up. He listened to every single word I said. Then he told he wonít give up and tossed Tom Hank at me.



    That made me laugh and my laughter recharged him fully.

    What he did and still does touches me very much. I spend my entire day in the field. From there I go to my organizationís almost empty satellite office in the evening to do my paperwork. Itís a monotonous and tedious task. It takes time. He waits for me outside of the office around the corner on the street. He never tells me how long he waits whenever I ask. But I can see him from the office. Most evenings, he has to wait for over an hour. He sits on the busy footpath full of pedestrians and studies. He does it even if he has exam the very next day. He walks me home. Itís about fifteen minutes walk then twenty minutes bus ride and then ten minutes walk again. Most evenings, he is the one who does the talking and he knows how to make me laugh. Every evening there is a stick of red rose for me.

    One evening my son was in home and trying to fix the front door. Instead of fixing it he butchered it. This young guy did his magic and fixed the door by himself. While at my home he played a piece of Kenny G. I had no idea saxophone was such a powerful instrument. He was carrying that saxophone every evening to play it for me but never had the chance prior to that day. Before he left, he asked my cell phone number as reward to fix that door.

    We started to talk over the phone. He calls me at least four times a day; some days even more. He likes to share small things. I started to enjoy our conversations. More I spend time with him more I see he is much better than I thought. He is very dedicated. He barely sleeps six hours a day. Rest of his awaking hours he spends on building his future, work and is volunteering his time with underprivileged children. He is from a very rich family and spends a lot of his family money on underprivileged children. When his friends hang out together and do their young fun things he tutors children. The children he spends time with come from a very tough neighborhood. It is a very difficult task to keep the coolness while dealing with those children. He somehow manages to do it gracefully.

    I assumed it wouldnít last long. He would leave as he had come - suddenly. I also assumed he didnít tell anyone about me. Well, I havenít told anyone about him . . . yet. My son thought he wanted certificates from me to prove his community works to make his Resumť heavier. To my surprise one day his mother came to the location I work. I always easily become intimated by rich or influential people. His motherís presence made me, too. But she was very friendly to me. We talked politics, politicians, weather, people in general and the women of my work. His mother donated a handsome amount to those women who had nowhere to go and were either violated or victims of violence. For those women she also promised to arrange a bigger fund which actually had materialized through her business firm unlike some people . . . who make big promises and never show up. Although we didnít talk about her son and me, she did ask questions about my life, ex-husband etc. His mother also tactfully let me knew that her husband was couple of years younger than her.

    His motherís visit gave me the impression that he wasnít going to fade away soon. He probably had talked about me and him with his mother. I think his mother found me incompatible with him. I think we are incompatible.

    Iím overweight and short. I had an accident and since then I limp a bit when I walk. Ankle cap is my everyday company. Iím not much educated. I donít have money. My clothes, like me, are old fashioned. Iím not good at small talking. I canít dance or sing. Iím not funny. All my hobbies and passions have died long ago. I am fully aware that Iím not good looking and my ex-husband had proved it very well. My ex-husband also proved with examples in the presence of my former in-laws how cold four legged animal I was. I grew to know what I should expect in life, as a woman. Something like... Girl gets education, gets a good job and meets a nice boy with the ability to provide. Then girl marries boy, has his children and grows old with him, their children and all their grandchildren. I had some of those. Then all were taken away from me except, fortunately, my son. The way my ex-husband left me . . . pretty much made me worthless, unimportant, useless rejected furniture. If I didnít have my sleeping son on my lap when I was singing the divorce paper then I could have ended everything. I have a very low self-esteem. I donít have much confidence. I feel my life has already finished and Iím only tying up few lose ends. All I want is to see my son established in life. My best friend is a woman (who has no one and nowhere to go) I call aunt who lives with me.

    He, on the other hand, is very confident and his life has just begun. He looks younger than his age. Looking at his face only, ignoring his body shape from neck down, he can be mistaken as 16/17 years old. He has eye catching eyes with girlsí like eyelash. Heís disturbingly good looking handsome guy like an ancient mythical God. Since heís tall everyone sees it even from far. Girls look at him admiringly. Heís funny and knows very well what to say, when to say and how to say. I know him very intimately. He is exceptionally top of the class there in every section. He can sing and dance. Heís playing saxophone and guitar since he was a little boy. Guys like him should be on a front page of some tabloid with celebrity. He should be the material of some gossip column.

    But heís hovering all over me. Itís not only that. I fear he can read me or at least my fantasies. I have several fantasies which I havenít told anyone. One of my fantasies is having a real nice breakfast prepared by someone else before going to work. He not only made it true, unknowingly, but also served it as my personal server. He even cleaned everything afterwards. Another of my fantasies is a poem written to me by someone on a paper by pen folded neatly inside an envelope. I bring lunch from home to work. He cooked for me more than one occasion. Heís really a bad cook. Whenever he cooked I found a piece of paper folded like an envelope and poems written on it by colored pencils in my lunch box. Another of my fantasies is to receive a real thoughtful Valentineís Day gift not some cooking pot or showpiece for home. I never had a real Valentineís Day gift, not even when I was married. This Valentineís Day he gave me a pair of shoes specially modified for me. There are holes at the back of those shoes filled with special foam. I walk a lot and most of the times at work Iím on my feet standing. Those shoes feel very comfortable. That pair of shoes was found next to dinner (a half cooked dish cooked without salt) cooked by him. His foot message is dangerously addictive and heís becoming better and better each day.

    I was away for three days in a conference. When I came back I found the he and another guy were working in the bathroom attached to my bedroom. I was very upset because he didnít ask me before he tore apart my bathroom. I scolded him and he absorbed everything quietly. I had to sleep in another room. I was so upset that I didnít ask what he was doing. I didnít have any choice but to let him finish his work. Two days later when I came home I found the bathroom was ready to use. There was a new bathtub big enough for actually taking a bath comfortably. Stair to tub, tiles, flower vases, mirrors everything was there. Itís a small bathroom but decorated it beautifully. He had to sell his rare collectable bike and few of his belongings to bare the expense. He also had to do some contract works in addition to his part-time job. While he was working in my bathroom he suspended almost everything in his life. He even skipped his classes. He did it because he overheard me saying to my aunt how nice it would be if I had a bathtub like a movie we were watching. I was afraid to speak there in case I cry. Nobody has done anything like that for me in my life ever.

    Standing in the bathroom I couldnít figure out what to do with him. Part of me told me to scold him and make him go away. Part of me told me to embrace him. He came stealthily into my life. He made my heart quarrel with my brain. Heís a little devilish and a little pitiful. Heíd gotten mischief in its pockets. His exterior was very hard but heís tender from inside. Heís a little noble, and a little shameless. I thought in full consciousness, I was behaving naively. I couldnít recognize my own heart. His free-spirited behavior had cost me a lot. By taking advantage of my confusion he made room for himself in my heart.
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  12. #12
    Butterfly is offline Neophyte
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    He is a very nice guy. He knows where he wants to go. He is a dedicated hard worker. Heís a good looking handsome guy. But heís too young. He is a year younger than my son. I feel like Iím taking advantage of him, exploiting him. Iím a 42 years OLD field employee in a dead end job and heís almost 19 (will be this year) years YOUNG Architect student with bright future. He works part-time in an air-conditioned office and I work full-time mostly under the open sky. I donít think our work environments are the only difference between us.

    Last month Iíve learned the reason my body is acting up is because Iím pregnant. Iíve been to three different places and they all have the same test result. I havenít told anyone. I donít know how to tell it to anyone. Every time I try to tell someone my shyness wraps me like a plastic sheet. I know a woman of my age who has a grandchild whereas Iíll have a child. Every day I see young mothers, some are few years older than my son, with their children. They look great together. Iíll look . . . old and odd. The surprising look of the people . . . But this is not something to hide, can't be hidden, shouldnít be hidden; at least not from the father of the child. I donít know how Iím going to tell him, my son, my co-workers or others.

    I think heís more settled than his peers. But he canít be as mature as I am. We only went to a single date. He asks me to out with him all the time. He asked me to go to his cousinís wedding and his friendís birthday with him. I declined. Our single date ended abruptly. We were at the park. He ordered fruit cocktail from a street vendor. That vendor assumed I was his mother. No surprising there. I do look older. When he corrected the vendor couple of guys there around his age made some comments. While I was pulling him away from there one of the guys made a rude comment of my physique. Before I could do anything he forced that guyís head on the steel railing. That guy lost two teeth. The guy could have lost one of his eyes. When I grabbed his shoulder he did stop. But I could still feel his anger. He was breathing heavy and had his fists ready to hit them. Fortunately there were other people who interrupted and the fight didnít escalate any more. Men fighting over something donít impress me at all. I was very upset. I left him there without saying anything. Later when I thought over it I realized itís his age. I was expecting him to be as mature as me which I shouldnít. Thatís how people become mature by making mistakes or crossing the limit not by merely changing calendar. He has to experience life. He has to go through events of life. He has lot to learn from his mistakes but first he has to make mistakes. He has to gain experience. He has plenty of mistakes ahead of him.

    If I didnít get married so early probably my life would have been different. Sometime I think (regret?) if I had few more years to me before my marriage I could have done something, perhaps a little more education. I could have provided a better life for my son then. I feel Iím making him do the same mistakes I did.

    At his age in the evening he should be at concerts, which he does go time to time, not calming down his crying new born child. In few years from now he should be an overworked intern or a new employee trying to prove himself by working late at his office not in parent teacher meetings. This is the time when he should live a carefree life, this is his time to waste time, make mistakes etc. Itís not time for him to be a family person. Responsible for a group of children for few hours a week is one thing; responsible for his own child is completely different thing. A child is a life time commitment without any break. My son is a legal adult and takes care of himself. Still he is my child. Since he was conceived I havenít taken a break from him not even a day.

    I know Iíve made a series of mistakes. I should have been in charge of myself. I grew up in a military style barrack in an orphanage. I learned hoping less make people like me happy (few disappointments), asking lesser make people like me happier (few broken promises) and having the least make people like me the happiest (some people didnít have what I had). Since I was under the influence of feeling very very special, needed . . . desirable I slipped and carried away. In fronted of pair of enchanted eyes I became greedy. Feeling wanted made me wanted more. Every evening when we meet first thing he does is draw a heart in my palm with his index finger. Itís much more powerful than any hallucinating drug. I let my other me to take control of myself. I should have known better.

    He tells me he wants to go places, places Iíve never been and seen pictures only. He wants all of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences and he wants me there with him. When he talks about those I just canít take my eyes of his eyes. My deepest darkest fantasy resides very deep in me. There is a Windows wallpaper. Two empty beach chairs on a white sandy desolated beach under a pair of trees few feet away from crystal clear ocean water. Itís my happy place. I fantasize sitting there enjoying the sound of ocean wave dancing on sand and nothing else . . . warmth and breeze . . . letting the time go . . . worrying about nothing, absolutely nothing. Sometime I can even feel the ocean wind as if Iím there. It feels good to put him in that fantasy of mine.

    Look not above
    There is no answer
    Pray not
    For no one listens to your prayer
    Near is as near to God as any Far
    And here is just the same deceit as there
    Some yearn for the Glories of This World
    And some sigh for the Paradise to come
    Not the fool me
    The earth has stops
    Sky has bowed down
    When the downcast eyes are filled with longing
    These the moments in which life flourishes
    When the sweet sparking smile appears
    Somewhere between the lips
    Ah . . . take the cash and let the credit go
    Nor heed the rumble of a distant Drum
    The fairy which resides in books and imagination
    Has come to life right here

    Sometime a thought occurs to me. Why wasnít he there when I met my ex-husband? Why didnít he come before my ex-husband? Some day he might think the same when heíll see someone else . . .

    Part of me tells me itíll be a very selfish act to keep him. But other part of me has made me do a lot of selfish acts recently. I feel . . . itís numb kind of feeling.
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  13. #13
    Butterfly is offline Neophyte
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    I posted last twp posts few days ago. I was emotionally overwhelmed when I wrote these. Later when I read those I couldnít believe I let out myself like this out in the open. Thatís not what I do. I sit in the corner and applause when others take the podium. Shyness overpowered me and I requested SheLikesKitties to delete those. Thankfully she did.

    But somehow today the spotlight is on me. So I'm writing again for me . . .

    I know the mother of my doctor. Her mother was in one of my work projects. After I deliberately missed my last appointment she called me. She asked me for a cup of coffee in her office on Tuesday afternoon. She told me she just wanted to chit chat and if I wanted we could talk about . . . me. Iíve to talk to a lot of people not just her. I havenít decided how I will word all the talking . . .

    Time flies. Mine is flying faster and I canít determine the path.
    Angel likes this.

  14. #14
    degausser is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    532
    Butterfly,

    If you're pregnant with his child, you need to tell him, and sooner rather than later. The situation is what it is, and it isn't your place to make decisions for him. He has a right to know, and he has a right to choose to be with whoever he wants to be with. Lay everything out for him, and he will make his decisions. IMHO, one of the most condescending things the older partner can do is feel that because they're older and think they're more mature, then it's their responsibility to make decisions for both of them. If you don't want to be with him, then fine. But you don't get to decide whether or not to "keep" him. He is an adult capable of making his own decisions.

    On another note, I really think you should see a therapist to work on your self esteem. It sounds like you don't see a single positive thing about yourself. If that's true, then you aren't in a position to truly be a good partner to anyone else, no matter how old you are. And if you're self esteem is so nonexistent, a new baby and whatever is going on with this guy is not going to help. You need to work on loving yourself and being happy with yourself. It's the only way you can love someone else properly.
    NY10 likes this.

  15. #15
    NY10's Avatar
    NY10 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    910
    I agree that if your having his baby he does have a right to know, regardless of fears or concerns now there is a baby involved and both parties have to communicate and come up with a decision together.

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