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Thread: dilemma

  1. #1
    Ty1104 is offline Neophyte
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    dilemma

    Hi everyone I just found this site not too long ago and read through some of the postings and decided to join, I thought perhaps someone may have some words of wisdom for me. Anyways my name is Tyler and I'm 19 and in college. A little more than year ago, when I was 18, I met an older woman and she has literally changed my life. We got along so well and I just felt such a huge amount of chemistry for her its unreal. Its hard to put it into words because words don't describe how I feel about her, I honestly feel as though we are soul mates. I know people will say that I don't understand love at my age but I have to disagree. She's 39 years old and was just divorced a few years when we met. It all changed just before I went off to college, I told her that I wanted to transfer schools so I could be closer to her and that I didn't want to be away from her. She had feelings of guilt of me not living the life of someone my age should. I've always been more of a mature person. She kept saying that I'm going to go off to school have fun and meet a girl that is going to be lucky to have me. I've tried all that and believe me no other girl compares to her, she's all I think about. So now I'm sitting 4 hours away from her trying to work up here for the summer in this college town to earn enough money, when what I really want is to just be with her. I really want to have a heart to heart talk with her about how I really want her in my life and make her understand what I want in my life and why she shouldn't feel guilty about it.
    Last edited by SheLikesKitties; 08-06-2014 at 06:05 PM.

  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    It is normal for women to feel anxiety about a relationship with a younger guy. With the value society places on youth, we OW feel at a disadvantage, and it is stressful. Most OW/YM relationship took a lot of work from the YM to convince the OW that he was serious. Keep insisting.

    Now the question is, what does she want from a partner? Does she want someone established? Some women value money or reputation more than love, and I say reputation, because for some people we OW are considered crazy, or cougars, for getting involved with someone younger.

    Try to point her to this website, in my particular case it helped a lot, my YM was the one who led me here.
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    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  3. #3
    Angel's Avatar
    Angel is offline Anger Thrives In A Fool
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    You can always send her here! She'll find others who have navigated these waters, some successfully and some not successfully. When you've had your heart broken by a peer it's hard to trust someone decades younger. If our peer, someone we believed to be experienced and mature, couldn't remain committed to us, how could someone with much less life experience fare in comparison? We fear we will look foolish for hooking up with a younger partner only to be used and realize our fears were well placed. It's not fair to you, but it's the reality of the situation you are facing.

    When I was 32 I met a sweet 18 year-old guy online in a game. We hit it off and when he expressed his feelings for me I panicked. All he knew was he wanted to be with me regardless of the adjustments and sacrifices he would make, but I didn't trust him. Words are cheap, but, over time, he made those sacrifices and put weight behind his words. In the beginning, though, the trust isn't there and it's hard to know whether the age difference will be a big deal. (What if you want kids? What happens when she really starts showing her age?) Her hesitation is wise.

    Asking a 39 year-old woman to place her better judgement, which is screaming "NO!", into the hands a 18 or 19 year-old, is quite the challenge to take on, but it can be done if you're both willing to take the risk! Most of us showed up saying, "Can it work?" because we had it in our heads that the situation is so extreme it could not possibly work. My 18 year-old boyfriend is now my 27 year old husband. We're still going strong after nine years and, fortunately, he refused to let me use my age to make decisions regarding his heart. His insight was far more accurate than my fears.

    I hope some of the other long-term couples that began when one partner was 18 or 19 will chime in and please keep us updated!


    EDIT TO ADD:

    I asked him what he thought he gave up to be with me? His response: The risk of someone intentionally breaking his heart!
    Last edited by Angel; 08-07-2014 at 02:07 AM.
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  4. #4
    Ty1104 is offline Neophyte
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    The question came up as to what she wants out of a relationship, knowing her she's really not the looking for money type she's pretty independent and does well on her own. Her ex-husband cheated on her so I realize she's a little jaded with that. She also has a 5 year old boy who's really great.
    I did talk with her on the phone last night, at first she was giving me all the reason's why it might not work and how she feels guilt for taking me away from something....more along the lines of why I should just be out having fun at my age. Then the conversation lightened up and we were having fun again, I finally asked her to tell me truthfully what she thinks of me, with her words being "Tyler, I would be lying if I said I didn't love you". Then she hinted at us getting together next weekend, were going to talk more tonight, so hopefully it all goes ok.

  5. #5
    Air
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    TY1104,
    then I suppose she feel a lot of responsibility for her 5 year old boy and you should really consider if you do get serious with her if you are ready to become a stepfather for her child? I don't want to sound negative or harsh, but I suppose how ever strongly she feels for you, she is going to place her child's best first. If you're prepared to take your role in her everyday life with her son and succeed to convince her that you are serious it might be so that it was meant that you two should be together .Sounds like a good starting point that you are aware of the whole picture and also seems to see her side of the story already, that gives you cred.

    Take care and let us know how things goes!
    Last edited by Air; 08-08-2014 at 01:38 AM.
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  6. #6
    Ellethe's Avatar
    Ellethe is offline Ex-Marcy'd
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ty1104 View Post
    The question came up as to what she wants out of a relationship, knowing her she's really not the looking for money type she's pretty independent and does well on her own. Her ex-husband cheated on her so I realize she's a little jaded with that. She also has a 5 year old boy who's really great.
    I did talk with her on the phone last night, at first she was giving me all the reason's why it might not work and how she feels guilt for taking me away from something....more along the lines of why I should just be out having fun at my age. Then the conversation lightened up and we were having fun again, I finally asked her to tell me truthfully what she thinks of me, with her words being "Tyler, I would be lying if I said I didn't love you". Then she hinted at us getting together next weekend, were going to talk more tonight, so hopefully it all goes ok.
    Sounds familiar to me... Now married about 10 years to the guy I met at 18 when I was 36 with 4 kids. Send her here
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  7. #7
    Ty1104 is offline Neophyte
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    Thanks to everyone who provided input! It is much appreciated, one thing I learned from this website is to not give up on what I really want in life. I talked to her today and she is actually going to come up and see me this weekend. I'm very excited to be able to see her again, but I'm also very nervous. I'll let you know how things turn out......hoping for the best.
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  8. #8
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Good luck!
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  9. #9
    Ty1104 is offline Neophyte
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    Well I made it through the weekend. She got up here Saturday morning, it was awesome seeing her again. It was a nice day so we went for a long hike and had a lot of fun together. I went out Friday and bought her a necklace, while we were resting on a log in the woods I gave it to her, she seemed really touched by that. We really didn't talk about anything serious until that evening over dinner. She's a little apprehensive over the age difference, but I just reaffirmed how much I love her, she did feel like maybe she had some guilt awhile back over taking my virginity. However she did say if this is something I really want she's willing now to give it a chance, but she doesn't want me transferring schools just yet. I was feeling a little worried later on last night after we made love when I told her I loved her and she just smiled I said "I know you do". We hung out a little this morning and she had to leave, however just as she was getting ready to go she asked me to come over, give me a hug and kiss through the car window and said "I love you too", so I guess that's a good sign.
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  10. #10
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    My nickel's worth:

    Tell her about the site, and take it slowly.

    There's a lot more to a relationship than "being together." She isn't in a hurry for anything, so don't rush her. From her perspective, it's possible that the best thing you could do to show her you're serious about her is to let things develop over the course of time. She isn't putting you in an either/or situation; her actions show it's important to her that you're in an "and" situation: finish your education and become established in a career and see where this goes over the long haul.

    Good luck with everything!

    MM
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  11. #11
    Air
    Air is offline Senior Member
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    Dearest TY1104,
    how sweet of you to buy her a necklace she must have been more than delighted. Great to hear that both of you had a good time and what a courage you seem to have! Take care of you and also of her, whatever happens if you both treat each other with care and respect no matters what happens, you have strengthen your hearts and given your souls a bit of rest and joy. Thanks for telling us!
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  12. #12
    Ty1104 is offline Neophyte
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    I thought about telling her about this site, but I'm still not sure. I still sense a bit of apprehensiveness on her part, I think the fact that I am serious about it throws her for a bit of a loop. At this point I really couldn't stop loving her, even if I tried. The stressful part is trying to figure out what is going through her mind....I really wish I could read it!
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  13. #13
    Air
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    TY1104,
    it's always difficult to know what really goes on in other peoples mind. She might be scared, calculating of risks, caring for you, thinking of her child, not daring to believe you are serious, still dealing with old scars etc. No matter what she is going through, make sure you are feeling good and that you enjoy things and try to form your life as good as you can. If it will be it will be, for now you just have to cope all unsureness and also take care of yourself. Great that you have found this site and feel all of us supporting you Take care.
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  14. #14
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    I remember when I was 19 and with my first love and I believed, really truly believed with every fibre of my being, that I would love him forever. I'm 49 now and I've loved several people since and no longer believe in soul mates or 'the one' or any of that romantic guff, and can barely even remember what that first love looked like. No doubt your girlfriend also remembers way back being 19, and how different she was to how she is now, and she might also have believed she would love whoever she was with back then forever. I'm not saying that you won't always love her, I'm not saying you don't necessarily know your own mind on this, all I'm saying is that most people's experience of life is that the things we think we want when we are 19 are not the things we want when we're 30 or 40 or 50.

    When I first got together with Lee (over 3 years ago now when he was 22 and I was 46) I was not long out of a 14 year marriage (21 year relationship), and still bruised from a relationship with another younger man which had ended when he decided it was time for him to start looking for a life partner of his own generation. I know I was terrified that Lee would do the same thing, especially as it was becoming increasingly unlikely that I wouldn't be able to have any more children (I have 2 adult ones). It took time for me to learn to trust that he knew his own mind, and that it wouldn't happen. And Lee had lived independently for almost 7 years and been in a serious relationship (even engaged) before. It was also, still, a huge leap of faith for me, and it felt like a big risk.

    Your girlfriend is 39. We get to a certain age and we start to think that we don't want to waste our time. I know I did. Even if you get 10 years out of a relationship, then you are starting again 10 years older - or resigning yourself to being alone. These things are probably very difficult to understand when you're 19 and your life in front of you seems endless.

    Give her time, as the others have said. Trying to push her won't prove your maturity and commitment to her. I know it's frustrating, but she has a lot to lose if things don't work out. Be patient and win her trust.

    P.S. Lee and I are getting married this Halloween, and planning to adopt a child together. Good luck!
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  15. #15
    Ty1104 is offline Neophyte
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    Well I took all of your advice and told her about this site. She's going to check it out, it raised her curiosity.
    I can see why some might view someone my age of the attitude of "I already know it all" I can see it in my peers all the time. However I will say I am pretty mature, mostly do to circumstances. Both of my parents died when I was 13 and had to learn how to be pretty independent and lived with my grandpa until he passed away about a year ago. It has all taught me not to sweat the small stuff and cherish the things in life money can't buy.
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